I’m despairing and overwhelmed trying to support my parents in having the best quality of life.
My mother suffers from chronic pain due to back injury and arthritis. She has highly limited mobility ,almost complete tooth loss, and is persistently depressed. She will sometimes complain, understandably so, for hours about everything from politics to the pain she deals with, food, her marriage, and life regrets. She gets agitated quickly when she forgets something we’ve talked about, and accuses her husband of keeping things from her. He then gets frustrated which further exacerbates the situation.
My heart breaks for her. She has regular doctor visits, her husband, a care aide that comes several hours a week, a comfortable home, but no friends other than another family member she keeps in touch with on a regular basis.
She gets so anxious that she even refuses to do things like get her remaining teeth pulled so she can be fitted for dentures or taking ear drops as prescribed. I feel so helpless and despairing. I come in full of ideas and hope, but after a while I just feel anger, despair and exhaustion. I wind up wanting to escape but I don’t want to do that either. I want to support her the best way I can given my own life responsibilities. At this point so much feels like a fight, and I’m losing. I try to just rub her back, sit with her and listen , validate her experience, distract, but it’s almost as if I start to feel anxious and depressed after awhile. I just want to lay down and cry.
What can I do to be supportive of my mother? Are there resources for supporting an elderly parent with chronic depression snd chronic pain? I’m also wondering about medications for depression and anxiety that won’t interfere with other medications she’s on that’s had decent results in seniors.
Any and all advice is welcomed, I just don’t know what else I can do and how to keep from breaking down.
Don't rub her back and baby her. She's an adult who has family, help, and resources. A good many elders her age do not. Remind her of this. Tell her plainly that you love her, but will not listen to any more complaining and will not commiserate with her. You cannot make her happy nor should anyone expect you to. If this is how your mother wants to live, let her. You may have to reduce how much contact you have with her for your own mental health. Stop validating her negativity because it's not healthy for either of you.
She has not improved from your constant validation. It's clear that you love her, but it's time to change how you do that. She needs some tough love.
There may be medications what can help with her arthritis pain. She can get into physical therapy and even aquatic therapy which will help with the pain. She may benefit from a mild anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication too. Her doctor would know what she can and can't have with her other medications. She can get new teeth. You, her aide, or your father may have to schedule the dental appoitments and bring her but that's a problem that can be fixed.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years before going into the business of it. I've had many, many elderly care clients like your mother. The worst thing you can do for people like your mother is baby them and be a sounding board for their complaining and negativity. In my long experience as a caregiver, I find there's a difference between "venting" and chronic complaining. A person may ocassionally need to vent to another person, then they feel better and take steps to improve what they're venting about and how they respond to it. Chronic complaining never improves because the complainer doesn't want it to. They enjoy being miserable and making others so as well. That's why you shut them down when they start up.
Be positive to her. Encourage her to keep her doctor's appointments and to get new teeth. Let her know that she can improve if she wants to, but that you will not be her partner in misery.
I'm sorry it has worked out this way, but you didn't cause this and you can't fix it. Once she has a ladies' companion, stay away. Join them for lunch once in a while, but have your own life. Your mom isn't ever going to be happy.
You write, "She gets agitated quickly when she forgets something we’ve talked about, and accuses her husband of keeping things from her. He then gets frustrated which further exacerbates the situation." This looks a lot like dementia with your mom, and maybe with dad too. Start looking for memory care homes. They'd probably both be happier in a place where there are activities, friends, regular attention to meds, and doctor and nurse onsite. It would be good for you, too, because professionals would be taking care of them and you could go back to being their child, not their dumping ground for all things miserable.
A Jewish friend told me that the Talmud says that you are required to throw people a life preserver, but you don't have to go down with their ship. It's some of the best advice I've ever had, and I pass it on to you.
No one can rescue a negative, miserable person from themselves because nothing you do will ever be enough. I know this because it was my mother to the letter. They want to be unhappy and miserable. They want others to be so too. It's best to just leave them to it.
When I first started out in caregiving, I trained with an old-school CNA who worked in the field for years. As we made her visits I asked if there was anything we could do to cheer up two of her clients who were very miserable people. She said no and she was right. The only thing these two women enjoyed was making others miserable, getting workers into trouble if they could, and complaining. They both had families who covered their basic needs but no one would spend time with them or allow either to move in which they both wanted from their families. Totally understandable.
That CNA told me when you get clients like this, show up and leave exactly on time and don't do anything that isn't specifically mentioned in the careplan. Don't give them a birthday card or even a small gift because they will find a way to get you in trouble for it. In those days homecare aides did a lot more than they do now. We had to provide transportation for clients and accompany them places. With certain clients they went nowhere with me unless there was a specific place and the outing stayed within my time frame. I wasn't going to drive all over the place on a wild goose chase because it amused some miserable old biddy. There's nothing to be done with these kinds of people.
You're not responsible for her quality of life or happiness. From what you describe, I'm wondering if she doesn't have dementia... has she ever had a cognitive exam?
You are asking how you can be supportive of your Mother even though you've been nothing but supportive. I think you're really asking, "How can I FIX my Mother?" And the answer is of course you can't. You didn't make her broken and you can't fix her.
Being around her for hours circling the drain around her negativity and dysfunction is now making you sick. This is why you're feeling burnt out. Please consider therapy so that you can get a wise, objective view on the situation and learn to identify and defend healthy boundaries. Maybe consider recommending she hire a Geriatric Care Manager so that you don't have to continue doing it for her. It's only going to increase.
I'm so sorry for this situation. I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you find your healthy boundaries.
So did limited contact with her dreadfully toxic personality.
You cannot fix old age and misery, but YOU you can limit your exposure to it lest YOU become the one needing antidepressants and anxiety meds.
Was Mom always like this? If so, there are some people who are never happy. They expect people to be a certain way and do things a certain way and when they don't, they are not happy. You will never be able to make Mom happy. I so hope she has an arthritis specialist for her pain. Or see a pain specialist. She needs meds for her anxiety and depression. She needs a Neurologist to test for Dementia.
An antidepressant might help.
i feel for her husband. My mother was like this with my father when they were in the last years of their lives. It was sad to watch.
I think you are doing the right thing, "sit with her and listen, validate her experience". But, you are listening too intently and taking it all as a burden on your shoulders. You are coming in full of ideas and hope, then you get frustrated, because nothing she complains about is something you can fix. She's getting old, and she suffers from chronic pain every day.
If you are able to talk with her doctor, or be present for her next doctor visit, you can ask them about something for pain and anxiety. You can ask if palliative care would be appropriate for your mother. If your mother or father become overwhelmed by their daily activities and household responsibilities, they could be moved to an assisted living community, or to skilled nursing.
Google is a great source of information. Type in the Google search bar just what you have asked here; "medications for depression and anxiety that won't interfere with her other medications", and "Are there resources for supporting an elderly parent with chronic depression and chronic pain?" Do some of your own research before talking with a doctor, AND research anything the doctor recommends before doing it. Just so you fully understand how any drug works and possible side effects.
If your mother reaches a point where she can not make reliable decisions regarding her care, does she have a POA assigned? Make sure this gets done for both your parents before they are deemed cognitively unable to make their own decisions.
If the burden of listening to her problems is overwhelming you, it's ok to take a break and limit her phone calls or visits. You can not fix her ailments. You can be by her side to comfort her. And, yes, it's sad. It's your mom. Your parents. It hurts when they hurt and they are not getting any better, they will only continue to decline. It's ok to feel sad. But, please, if you are getting anxious and depressed, it is not healthy for you. You need to take a break and take care of your life.
1- find support (in addition to this forum) with a great therapist who can help put your mind into a better place by understanding the dynamic between you and your mom and what you can and can’t control.
2- insure that she gets adequate pain management, (medication, PT, massage, chiropractic care, etc)
a diagnosis for her depression so that she gets medication ( it can take weeks of medication to see improvement);
and get her tested for cognitive impairment.
3-limit your interactions with her because it’s not your responsibility to make her happy. That’s not even possible. Getting her help from professionals is how you can provide support.
4-take care of your physical and emotional needs as a priority. As someone who I respect would say routinely, “life isn’t a dress rehearsal”. You matter.
5- look into aging resources in your area as well as an elder care consultant. They can help you with finding proper caregivers and various related services.
Best wishes!
If you are moms POA then I guess you can talk to her doctor about what anti-depressants may be helpful for her, but other than that I would just suggest staying away as much as possible as your mother is toxic and she's affecting you in a negative way. So limit your visits and phone calls to perhaps once a week/month so you don't end up just like her and start making yourself and your mental health a priority.
It's about setting the necessary boundaries. I wish you well in getting them in place.
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