I am disabled due to hip and back problems and then Depression makes it all worse. Over the years of my life I have moved in with my parents occasionally to recover from an episode of depression and the problems that come with that. 5 years ago I moved in and while I was there my mother who had severe memory loss had a stroke and could not even remember my name. She could not do anything so me and my dad took care of her. My father is old fashioned and thinks my mom is supposed to serve him and do what he says. He became aggressive toward her when she did not do what he told her. I was there and saw how he was treating her so I stepped in and stopped him. I took full control of the care of my mom. My dad still works at age 80 and has some savings. He did not like me making decisions in his house but I told him that I would not allow him to force my mother any longer. He chose to hire someone to care for her. I stayed at the house and now I know that I cannot leave my mother because my brother's also don't have time or the money to help in any way at all; nothing. they are wealthy but prefer to send my mom and my dad to a nursing home. I think the guilt of not caring and me doing it all is making them want me to go away; fail to be able to care for them in any way. I lost my job due to running home to help the low wage sitter. Now I struggle to make money and do what I can. I hurt my back lifting my mom after she fell and broke her hip. I had surgery 6 months ago but hurt myself again helping my mom onto the toilet. My family watched and did nothing to help me. I have been going into depression for over a year and I am about to go crazy not knowing what I will do if I have any more health problems. I think my family wants me to die so they will be able to relax and send my mother to a home and be rid of this problem. If this continues, I will be unable to do anything for my mom or myself. I will likely die.
1) What will you be dying of if your fears come true?
2) Will you be able to stick with some of the advice that caregivers can offer you, and answer their questions without getting your feelings hurt?
3) At this time, I do not think that anyone can stop you from hurting yourself lifting your Mom and helping her onto the toilet.
If you are going to continue to do that after having surgery, not able to stop yourself, then I know for sure that I cannot help you.
4) Your asking "How do I help myself" is a good start! A very good start, showing some insight into the fact that you are doing these things to yourself.
5) There is no shame or weakness in seeking treatment for depression, and you need not tell anyone, especially your brothers or family. There are so many offers of help and therapy now during the Covid crisis, you can get help with your thought processes and depression. Some people can tough their way through this, but from what you wrote, do not delay treatment, you need it.
What will you do for yourself, today?
If Dad is 80, he needs to quit his job and care for Mom. Or place Mom in LTC. He will then be the Community spouse. He can continue to work and will not be made impoverished.
I suggest that you talk to someone at your County Social Services once this Virus thing is over. Ask about SSI (Supplimental income) and HUD voucher for housing. Don't wait, HUD only has open enrollment once a year and for my State its June or July. When ur on your own, there is help with utilities and food stamps. If your back is now considered a disability, you may be able to get Social Security disability, if not already receiving it. Social Service office maybe able to give u names of Social Security lawyers in your area. They work free and compensated by SS when u win.
The only person who can do this is you. I would stop complaining. Seems they don't listen to you. Since Dad has been aggressive to Mom, I will assume he has no respect for woman. As such, either do your brothers.
I have a friend who complains all the time. She has some friends but its because they feel sorry for her. Her boys have little to do with her. She has cried wolf too often. At 70 she is in a NH for health issues beyond her control. No visitors because of the virus.
YOU, have to take control of your life. If you can do what I suggest, then u put Dad in a position of making a decision concerning Mom. Wouldn't she be better in LTC instead of his abuse. And once you walk away, don't look back. I don't see how keeping in touch with these men will be good for u. There is also APS. You could call and say Mom is a vulnerable adult.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-have-lost-respect-from-everyone-my-family-seems-to-hate-me-and-my-father-treats-me-like-a-problem-455944.htm
Only you can solve this problem. Your depression maybe caused by the situation your in. Nothing much you can do now with the Virus but when County Offices reopen you need to talk to someone. If Mom
But before you can even consider what’s actually best for them, you MUST take charge of feeling better FOR YOURSELF.
There is currently very good counseling available by phone or on line. Security and privacy arrangements make this kind of therapy safe.
TAKE THE FIRST STEP. Do a google search and see what you can find.
After you’ve done that, come back and ask for specific information here. You will be welcomed, and find that there are others who have been in situations similar to yours, and got through them.
Hoping that you find solutions for yourself and your loved ones!
One practical thing that may help: organize a meeting with your siblings and their spouses (without your parents present). Let them know that you will be backing off/away from the caregiving role and that you 1) wanted them to know this so that 2) if they had any suggestions or solutions it would be greatly appreciated and helpful. Don't have any expectations about the outcome of this meeting -- just see how they react. They may surprise you with a willingness to step in if they know it is temporary as a means to a solution for what is going on. Or, they may just give you dumb looks and offer nothing -- and you should accept this -- but at least you'll know clearly where they stand and you can move forward on your own. FYI I'm assuming you have durable PoA for your parents? If not, this should be discussed with your siblings as helping cognitively impaired and/or resistant LOs will be legally difficult without this.
I wish you peace in your heart as you conquer your depression and live your own best life to the fullest before it is "too late".
I am concerned for YOU. Here are some things to think about. You need to get yourself into a better living situation. You are NOT obligated to stay for your mother. Don't care more than your three brothers.
If your father becomes aggressive towards your mother and isn't willing to participate in her care, then what is wrong with a facility for both of them? So he hired a caregiver for your mother? How many hours a day is that person there for? Who is taking care of your mother the rest of the time? Is it you?
Your brothers want no part of it all, and you can't change them. Nor can you change your father. You can only change yourself. You've been physically hurt now twice when helping your mother. Do you want that to happen a third time?
I think your depression is getting in the way of your considering how to actually help yourself.
What do you think?