So mom's end of life is finally here, and I was not prepared for the horror I just experienced tonight (which was the terminal agitation/restlessness, crying for the police, calling people names, almost an exorcist type voice, then begging for help, then repeting "I'm scared"). Hospice just started morphine and Ativan/comfort kit and she is finally sleeping, after I basically hypnotized her with a steady stream of words about her favorite vacation spot (the Adirondacks) and describing to her while holding her hand and playing calming music. I'm not leaving tonight or any night until death, I just can't. I did the same for my dad and I will for her. I have been through 2 deaths before but not this. What a horror (and I won't describe how I feel about the fact that we can euthanize dogs in pain, but we can't give dying adults in agony enough morphine because it will "supress the breathing and kill them.")
What are other people's experiences? How did you help and does it pass? I'm so grateful to the support this forum has given in the past; I honestly think I just need some kind words. I didn't expect it to end this way, just today we were laughing about things. Now she's crying out in fear anger and pain. I'm hoping Ativan and morphine will kick in. It's so heartbreaking.
Thank you to everybody who was supportive without judgment.
I feel incredible relief. Many people counseled me to not get involved in carrying for my mother, but I'm glad that I did.. It almost tore me up... but I fear I would have been more torn up by my regrets if I hadn't... In retrospect I did it just right. So did she.
Love to all on this journey who haven't reached an end yet.
Hugs out to you Wicki. Please rest gently knowing she's at peace.
I'm So glad I did this. I don't feel I need to mourn, I feel like I've swept out the dark corners of my childhood, I was there for her every step of the way and yes we fought and yes we argued and I even told her what a pain in the butt she was and I didn't want to hear her complain anymore... But we are human and I did the best I could and so did she.
Thank You all for your kind words. Sadly this is a dark journey no matter what anybody likes to say but ...there is light at the end of the tunnel... It just was in my case very long tunnel.
no words needed
One positive is Dad asked me today how much time the nurse says he has. I was honest and relayed the "days to weeks, depending on his body" estimate they have recently given me. He accepted that and said himself he feels like something changed today and it could be just days away. I was sad to agree with him, but as of today, I do. It is comforting to me that he isn't afraid. I just hope this agitated, confused state isn't 24/7 to the end now. Will do all I can to help him avoid that.
UGH. This is legit the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Even harder, in some ways, than caring for my late mother through her 9-month journey with cancer. Perhaps because it was easier to point to the cancer as the reason she died? Dad's is more decline and frailty at this point (and yes, some underlying issues). Both of my parents have gotten to make their choice in the end to die at home on their terms though, and for that, I am grateful.
You are in my prayers!