Hello all! My family and I moved to a new state so that I could pursue my Ph.D. My wife's parents sold their house and moved with us to "help". However, they moved without telling us that my wife's mom had Stage 4 kidney failure. At this point, I make much less than I did in my previous job so my wife started working full time. She had to cut back her work hours to take care of her mom because her dad wouldn't help or acted like he didn't know what to do. Fast forward and my wife's mom passed away leaving her dad with us. Now, I understand the pain of loss and I would never leave him homeless. He is healthy and can function when he chooses to, but he is great at making my wife feel guilty. He's lazy, doesn't interact with my kids, and only talks when he needs something. He has no savings and will inevitably become ill.
Here's the issue...my wife thinks I'm wrong because I think that I and our kids should take priority. I'm contemplating leaving because I don't want any part of it knowing that my wife is trying to save him because she didn't save her mom (not logical, but that is what she thinks). Our relationship is different and she just expects me to accept it all because she can 'ignore' it all. I can't ignore it and I feel that she has basically chosen her dad over me even though I haven't asked for any choices to be made. I just want to talk about solutions, but she gets defensive and basically says that we're in it for the long haul. Our relationship is struggling, our kids are struggling, and he is as happy as a turtle in the sun because she is doing everything for him. We are both resentful of each other and it feels terrible knowing that our relationship has worsened as a result of her parents moving in.
On this site, there are many many posts telling women to stand up for themselves to their husband and refuse to accept MIL or FIL in their home. The same applies to you. You need to stand up for yourself to FIL and to your wife as well. You are fighting for your marriage and for your children’s home. You are not fighting with your wife by doing that. For whatever reason, your wife feels she can’t do this herself. It almost sounds as if she might even want you to take this particular load. Pack up his stuff and dump him in a hotel for a week, prepaid. The conversation is then where he goes next, not about whether he leaves your home. Just go for it!
You and your wife are not the only ones in this. You should make it clear to the old turtle that he is very close to breaking up his daughter’s marriage. You need a very straight talk with him that he is not welcome by you in your house and you want him out. Your children are also involved. A divorce or separation will have major effects on them, and they should have a chance to put their point of view to you, your wife and to FIL. Confrontation is difficult, and you may feel as though it’s easier just to walk. Initially that may be true - many men walk straight into another relationship and that lovely honeymoon feeling. However divorce keeps hurting long after another honeymoon period has worn off.
Perhaps you aren’t able to have this conversation with your wife, because she isn’t hearing you. You could try marriage counselling, but my own experience wasn’t good. However you should have the conversation with FIL. Some people might disagree about the children, but I think as above, and I am sure that my children (now adults) would too. If you do leave, please try to make it a temporary trial separation, and avoid the lure of the new honeymoon. Been there, done that!