Mom and her husband have been married for 37 years. They have lived a lovely lifestyle. He has catered to her every whim, specifically her habit of buying homes then spending hundreds of thousands of dollars fixing them and selling them for a loss. She frequently decides she wants to relocate after only a few years to live in an area with more social clout. This has been going on since the early 80's. They have spent his lifetime earnings as a PhD, her sizable inheritance and a large insurance settlement due to my grandmother being killed in a car accident ten years ago.
Lo and behold in 2022 they are down to a few thousand dollars. I am a single mother raising an autistic child by myself and am carefully balancing my inheritance from my father that I got in 2019. My money is invested and cannot be disturbed.
I know as sure as the sun rises she is coming for me. My stepfather has dementia and will likely not be able to be without some kind of supervisory care within 12-18 months. I refuse to buy her a home and she cannot live with me. My brother also refuses to do the same. Both of us have helped them with planning, budgeting, housework and more. Still, my mother has refused to listen or stick to any plan we have given her.
What shall I do when they cannot grocery shop or keep the lights on? She is hostile and abusive and her husband has watched her treat me this way since I was ten years old. It's going to be an epic disaster and I don't know what to do. It doesn't help that I battled addiction in my 20's and needed rent money here and there and a criminal defense lawyer 20 years ago, which she has never let me live down. She also loves to remind me how much money I cost her growing up (gymnastics, horse riding lessons, family vacations).
Advise me, please.
You also say that neither you nor your brother will either buy your mother a house, or allow her to move in with you [- setting aside what becomes of your stepfather when this happens? Does he have other resources, or other family who might scoop him up once he becomes dependent enough?].
Fair enough; but has your mother suggested these possibilities to either of you anyway?
She has not suggested these possibilities, and I don't think she would want to live here, but she has expectations for sure. As far as my step-dad goes, there is some weird balance in between what they have in assets/cash and eligibility for housing and he is also not within the medical need threshold yet. My brother is way more informed about these things, but I can hardly see it all falling into place so smoothly that they will just slide into assisted care the moment they cant pay the bills. Interestingly he does have another resource--his daughter. She has more money than all of us put together, but neither mom or SD will go to her for help and here is why. He allows the same behavior out of his daughter like he does my mom--she's Never held accountable and he would never trouble her. And my mother won't ask her for help because she hates the fact that his daughter became more socially successful than she did and mom won't lose face by going to her for money. Convenient for my step-sister, isn't it?
You need to get out of this mindset.
Her lack of planning is not your emergency. Call the local (to her) Area Agency on Aging and find out what resources for elders exist in her area. Ask about case management services. Give your mother a list of resources the next time she asks for something.
We have a wise poster, Beatty, here who says "there will be no plan as long as YOU are the plan".
Your brother and you must continue to present a united front against her. You can be each other's support system.
(I'd also stop helping with the housework.)
As adult children in our society, we have no, repeat NO obligation to house our parents, provide hands on care or provide them with luxuries. Even if they were the best parents in the world. Adults plan for their own old age.
Social services exist and will be there for her.
Read a book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.
Google F.O.G. Fear, Obligation and Guilt.
Read Never Simple by Liz Scheier. It's about a young woman with a troubled and mentally ill and abusive mother who gave her daughter a wonderful childhood. And how Liz almost goes under trying to rescue her mother. Her boundary setting is as impressive as it is instructive.
Start compiling a list of food banks and other services your mother can utilize when she comes to you.
And no matter how guilty you feel and how much she pushes the issue never, ever let her move in with you. Ever.
It is not your job to fund her wasteful lifestyle just because she gave you money in the past. Both you and your brother have tried to help her with budgets, etc and were largely ignored.
This woman could win 10 million dollars in the lottery and still be broke in a few years.
Since her husband worked she should get a portion of his social security. He will have to go on government assistance and they divide the assets between the two spouses.
Offer to take her to an elder lawyer (which she pays for) so she knows what her options are.
Setting boundaries and sticking to them no matter how much she guilts you, cries, and screams will be important.
The best thing is to let her know in advance that you are not her financial solution.