4 years ago my Dad had a 911 event that made it clear it was not safe for him to no longer live by himself in his home as it was 2 story and all the bedrooms and showers were upstairs. He was stressed and didn't know how he would manage considering my mom was already in a board and care facility and he probably would need to sell his home in order to afford it. My wife and I offered for him to live with us until we could figure something out.
Since he was weak after his 911 event, he asked me to open his mail and let him know what were the outstanding bills and he would pay them. It was the first time I had a glimpse of my parents financial situation. I was under the impression that money was tight, but on the contrary their income stream was more than enough to cover care for both of them and they could be together. My mom passed away in 2017, but due to her incredible pension, my Dad still gets my mom's outstanding health & dental benefits and 50% of her pension. He himself gets an above average SS check as well as a small monthly private pension.
I am emotionally burned out and I feel duped letting him into our home 4 years ago when he has plenty of resources to go live his life. There is too much baggage from my childhood and teenage years to deal with him. We were told by social services that since he is a fall risk we cannot leave him alone for days if we want to get away to reenergize. It is stressful for my marriage as my wife is the only one working and I have been unemployed since 2017 after my mom passed away. We are running a monthly negative and I am burning thru my savings I had set aside for retirement.
Early 2018, I presented him with a schedule to get him to look at Assisted Living Facilities both locally and out of state where my sister and her kids live. He said he would need to sell the house to feel more comfortable financially to do this. (From 2015 thru 2017 he lived in our home for free. In early 2018 I started asking him to contribute but it is like pulling teeth to get him to and we usually end up in arguments.)
It took me 9 months to physically clean out his house (hoarders) but we recently sold his home. Needless to say he is still here and hasn't even looked at any of the brochures we had given him.
I originally was taking care of both parents, one with ALZ and the other with Dementia and NPD, and on occasion we would tour some of the AL homes. My Mum hated them all. She preferred to stay in my home but by that time my Dad was suffering from psychosis. My husband was living in the Caribbean, and I wanted to be with him during the holiday season. So I figured a way that I would have reliable help to stay in my home while I was away. I told my Mum that I was going to spend the holidays with hubby, and that xyz would be caring for her and my father. Well, it worked - my Mum quickly decided that she wanted to come with me, and agreed to stay in the White House (an AL facility one block from our condo). I continued to call it that on purpose.
The transition wasn't easy for either of them. My Mum was able to get involved at the facility and while Dad was not especially happy with the situation, he did adjust as best you can in the late stages of ALZ. All in all, it has turned out to be a very good thing for all of us. They had a nice room with a view of the ocean in a memory care unit - that was something my Dad wanted. The people in the home have been able to help me a lot in establishing boundries with my NPD Mum.
I know they are well taken off, and since my Mum is here with us, she has many new friends who visit her. Since my Dad passed away last year, My Mum and I have a better relationship than ever, so much so, that I'm actually taking her back to the mainland to stay in our home for a few months.
Good Luck!
This takes me back to when my Mum wanted to go back to her home in the beginning. I would say "No Way" - after all the home was uninhabitable. Later on I changed my answer. Every time she brought the subject up, I would say "Okay Mom, let's make a reservation for a ticket, would you like to go on the 1:30 or 2:30 flight?" I would even pull out the suitcase and tell her we needed to get her packed.
She stopped asking eventually.
When I tried to get her into a home, she would have issues with every one we went to see. She would say "This home I'm living in is a palace - why would I want to live there?"
Little white lies...