I'm caring for MIL in my home. She has Parkinson's, dementia, and is incontinent. She is able to get around on her own to an extent with a walker if she has help. Mentally it's another story, she needs assistance with everything from meds to meals, reminding her to use the bathroom/change her Depends, and drink liquids, etc. I am tied down to the house when my husband is at work.
I am married, have a toddler, and am pregnant with my second child. It's a very rough pregnancy. My husband helps a lot when he is home, but I have absolutely zero help from the rest of his family (3 siblings). They say they "can't deal" with caring for MIL, even just for a day to give me a break. No one in his family will even let me (or him) talk when we try to have a discussion. They interrupt us, and seem to think that its my duty to do this. I've been told, "it's not any extra work for you" and "you don't do anything anyway because you are a stay-at-home mom" by his siblings.
We discussed adult daycare, but she has refused to go. (any advice on how to encourage a senior to go is much appreciated too! )
She has only been with us a few weeks. Previously was living with my sister-in-law, but that is no longer an option. Already, I feel EXTREMELY stressed out. At my latest OB appointment my previously good blood pressure and blood sugar (2 things that were issues for me in past pregnancy) were not so great. I've gone from an active healthy lifestyle to being mostly sedentary, not eating as healthy either. The smells associated with her incontinence trigger my morning sickness like you wouldn't believe.
I can't leave during the day to take my daughter to the park, or playgroup or anything. I told my husband that the sibling with medical/financial POA is going to have to pay for in-home help. So far it hasn't happened.
My husband promised his mom that she would never have to go to a home. I will add that I've helped my in-laws for 15 + years (FIL passed away a few years ago and was disabled) with absolutely no help from his siblings then either. I feel like the stress is putting my health at risk during my pregnancy. We did get a relative to agree to care for her when I have my c section later this year, but that's the only time anyone is willing to help.
Sorry this is so long. I feel like an awful person because I don't want to be a caregiver. I love my MIL. I'm a religious person, and I think there is some religious guilt going on here too for me, feeling like I need to care for others etc. I'm afraid of the changes I've seen in my health in just a few weeks of doing this, and terrified I could end up in preterm labor or some other complication from the stress. Not sure what the right thing to do is or how to communicate with a family that won't listen to what my husband or I have to say but who expect us to do all the work.
Your health, pregnancy, and general well-being are on the line here. And from the looks of it, people are going to have to be forced to step up--as in, invite people to offer solutions (not criticism) b/c the present situation is impossible to maintain, ESPECIALLY when the new baby arrives.
Make an objective list of all the responsibilities, all the care she needs. Be detailed, remain objective (so you are not accused of being selfish)--just the stone-cold hard facts about her daily needs AND how they need to be met.
This should take pages.
Your husband made a promise. Well, life is what happens when you're busy making plans. (The Universe has a way of laughing, and saying, 'Awww, aren't you precious? Here's a fly in your ointment--now what're you gonna do?')
The promise didn't include the present set of circumstances, and if he feels he must keep that promise--it will be to the detriment of his own immediate family--so he would need to force his family to help in a manner that alleviates the caregiving on your part.
You can't do this. Too much has been placed on you already.
Perhaps his mother guilted him into the promise, maybe felt like he had to promise that.
Was she the type of person who would've liked to be the burden she is now, in a growing family?
Things change. Circumstances and people change. Promises need to be evaluated in light of changes. Period.
Nothing will change unless you objectively assert yourself. Must. be. done.
While it is beneficial for kids to grow up around those needing care, the situation you describe isn't.
As for someone suggesting bringing in caregivers, I'd say not. You will still be taking care of a lot of things plus will have to train caregivers, replace them, train again, etc., all while taking care of the kids, house, husband, etc.
And I haven't even mentioned taking care of yourself, which clearly you aren't doing b/c the circumstances prevent that.
Your husband also has an allegiance to you, his kids. He's in a rock and hard place, but so are you.
There needs to be compromise. His promise isn't practical. He needs to face the hard, stone-cold facts and face his family with them.
This will get messier before it levels off.
Maybe give family a deadline. By such and such a date. Or she will have to get placed. Not b/c you don't love her but b/c it's impossible under the circumstances.
Stay objective. Remain logical.
Super-big, warm hugs to you.
The family should not be pushing the care of the MIL off on the OP who has a family and a baby on the way. That's not fair or right.
If no one wants to assume the hands-on care of the MIL, or have her living with them, they should all (the whole family) start looking for a care facility to place her in.
Until something is decided let hubby take over ALL her duties when he comes home from work. This should be your time to relax with your toddler even if its just playing outside. He will not understand your stress until he does it alone. Use some weekend time to visit a park or get ice cream with your little one.
It will only get worse with your MIL. You cannot sacrifice your family especially the children for her care.
To start you could hire a caregiver to come in part time to assist MIL at home. Make MIL do what she can on her own. Do not baby her.
Probably best to move her to assistive living (ASL). Ask her doctor for some recommendations to start scheduling tours WITH your husband.
Let hubby schedule a come to Jesus mtg with his siblings. They need to cough up some $$ if they cannot take MIL for relief for you. Let them know ASL is the plan. You cannot care for her longer.
I still am going with the ASL living situation.
MACinCT's story of the neighbor gave a good strategy. I would also give a deadline and be ready to stick to it. Your in-laws will probably be pissed so just know this, but they will get over it. And probably respect you more for putting up this boundary. Please don't be a doormat.
Your MIL should be the one paying for the adult day care, or extra in-home helper. DO NOT agree to any arrangement that requires you to pay for it. Eventually MIL's condition will require 24/7 care and that will be exceedingly expensive. A facility will actually be less expensive at that point. So, maybe she is transitioned now while she still can choose which one. If she can't afford it, then she should apply for Medicaid.
Who is PoA for MIL? Is it your husband? Hopefully it's one of the siblings. This would be helpful information. May you receive great wisdom, courage and peace in your heart.
Except....
No other family members have children. Bingo.
Use that as part of the Golden Ticket.
Excellent idea. Not fool-proof BUT the pros can point out ALL the care involved...and might even lay out that your MIL needs to be elsewhere if she's to get the care she needs.
So with the suggestions offered below, what are you willing to do? Or even consider doing?
Time is short on this, remember.
Why not "drop" MIL off at the guardian's? (Easier said than done, yes...but status quo isn't going to solve anything.)
We even had one of Mom's neighbor present who helped her a lot.
This would put everyone on the same page, everyone would have the information they needed...including the bullies.
Do it. Involve the doctors.
Edit: Involving doctors takes you out of the "lazy" and selfish category.
I would contact the court that gave SIL guardianship and tell them that she has dropped her off, doesn't hire caregivers and MIL isn't getting the care she needs because you are not able to provide it and she won't listen to anything you or husband says and this is adversely effecting MILs well-being.
Your SIL is violating her legal duties by pulling this stunt.
Your wedding vows, being religious, should have said something like, forsaking all others...that means EVERYONE.
I have a question for dear hubs, would you rather put your wife and unborn baby in a grave? Because not putting mom in a facility could cause both of them to die. Look up the statistics and determine for yourself if you want to risk it for a promise extorted by someone that made it clear she matters more then anyone else. Sounds harsh but, that's what her making you promise was all about. She doesn't care what taking care of her costs anyone, including your own children. A loving parent doesn't do this.
Reading those helped make my mind up and helped me let go of some guilt i was feeling for wanting to say no to doing this.
As a parent myself, i would NEVER let my children promise to care for me at home, even if they wanted to. I never want to put that burden on them.
I would contact the court that gave SIL guardianship and tell them that she has dropped her off, doesn't hire caregivers and MIL isn't getting the care she needs because you are not able to provide it and she won't listen to anything you or husband says and this is adversely effecting MILs well-being."
Dingdingding, yesyesYES! What happened that living with SIL was no longer possible?
"At my latest OB appointment my previously good blood pressure and blood sugar ( 2 things that were issues for me in past pregnancy) were not so great. Ive gone from an active healthy lifestyle to not being mostly sedentary, not eating as healthy either. The smells associated with her incontinence trigger my morning sickness like you wouldnt believe."
If this is happening after only a few weeks, then you must look out for your own health and that of your unborn baby and do anything/everything to get MIL out of your house. I am thinking of morning sickness because of incontinence smells alone, and I am angry for you.
Please tell us what happens after your talk with your H tonight. And remember, you don't need some help, you need her OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.
Do you have relatives or even friends that you can stay with to force this issue, if it becomes necessary?
Still dreading the conversation and the backlash from his family, who, i know, will blame me for her going to a nursing home.
Secondly, just because you're a housewife (I detest the term "stay at home mom" and don't use it), doesn't mean that others get to decide what you do with your time. Working at a job doesn't excuse people from responsibility. Though often in families if there's a woman who doesn't work, she gets volunteered for anyone who needs child care or elder care. It happened to me. I didn't work for over a year following a car accident. I didn't need to hurry back to work. My then husband's cousin needed child care for her two kids because she was "in school" and since I was home anyway... Didn't do it. My husband's grandmother needed care too. She was stubborn and wanted to stay at home and since I was a professional caregiver anyway.... Nope. I flatly refused. Sure, the family wasn't happy, but they got over it.
Stop allowing yourself to be used like a slave or an indentured servant. Tell them no more. Believe me they'll get over it.
If you don't want to be a caregiver YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE!!!
You call a family meeting and speak plainly to them. Either one of them takes MIL to live with them or she goes into a home. If they try to talk in circles or avoid giving you an answer you tell them that one of them takes her that night, or she will be dropped off in a hospital and you will ask for a 'Social Admit' for her. You will get it. Make sure the SIL with guardianship knows this. Then let that be the end of the family discussion.
Third and final. The guilt that comes with being religious. I totally get that. I was raised in a Catholic home and had a lifetime of Catholic schooling. The guilt was beat into me every day. Then I turned Jewish to marry my second husband. We got divorced. I stayed Jewish. I'll get back together with my ex at some point. We always do but that's besides the point. I have been both a Catholic and a Jew. There are no religions with more guilt than these two and I have both. There comes a time though when a person must come to the realization that their life matters too. A good person is still a good person if they say 'no' sometimes. Especially in a case like yours because your health and your baby's could be at risk.
Do you think God from which all things come and in His infinite wisdom, would want you to risk the life of your unborn baby and maybe even your own to wipe your MIL's a$$??
I realize that you love your MIL and want to do right by her.
Your husband, your children, and yourself are more important than your MIL. They are the priority, Not MIL. Please for your sake and your family's make other arrangements for your MIL.
I am finding that people are becoming self-centered. The caring for a parent and even a child seems to be going on a back burner especially if there is someone who is willing to do the caring. We are becoming a selfish society. We will only survive if we help each other.
My daughter would allow her friend's son to spend the weekend with her when his Mom went camping on weekends. He was 14 and felt he had outgrown it but not old enough to be on his own. She allowed him friends over and sometimes sleep over. Not once when the parents dropped these 14 yr olds off did they introduce themselves or find out who my daughter was. My daughter could have been a drug dealer!
No, I don't think a child who has been abused physically, mentally or verbally should care for their abuser. Those that had good parents don't need to physically care for them but I feel need to look out for them. They were our parents. We need to set boundries and when those boundries are continually crossed, we need to back off. We don't need to give them 24/7 of our lives, but we should be there for them in some capacity. They also have to be willing to compromise.
You wonder why this SIL felt the best place to dump her mother was on a woman with a toddler and one on the way? When I took Mom in, I was babysitting a toddler that my daughter had to put him in daycare. I could not handle him and her. What are you going to do if you have a screaming baby wanting to be fed and MIL has chosen to toilet herself and its all over her and the bathroom. You are literally going to be changing diapers for 2 people, which ur probably doing now, so 3? I am getting overwhemed just thing about it.
If your SIL is guardian appt by a Judge she took on the responsibility of her mother. As guardian SHE has the ability to place Mom. If Mom has money, it needs to be used for her care. With Parkinsons Mom is definitely passed what an AL can do. And MCs are not skilled nursing so probably LTC. If she has no money then Medicaid should be applied for. And as guardian its SILs job to set this all up.
Whenever there's a woman in a family who doesn't have a job, there's a person who thinks they have the right to decide what that woman does with her time.
When I had my car accident, I wasn't seriously injured. I didn't go back to work immediately because we were fine money-wise and I didn't have to.
That was the best year of my life. I had a wonderful time with my husband. At the time I wasn't speaking to my mother so I didn't have to deal with any of her BS.
I got hit up when some of his family needed child and elder care, but I didn't get talked into it and said no. I'd watch the kids for a couple of hours from time to time. I'd go to the store for my husband's grandmother or run the odd errand. I would not commit to spending set hours at a time watching her and sitting there in her hoarded house though.
They got upset sure. They got over it. Just because a woman doesn't "work" doesn't mean she's available to provide child care or old people services.
Don't stress out about what his family will think, they have proven they aren't worth your head space.
At the least possible "emergency", call 911 and have MIL transported to the ER and make it clear to the social worker (via phone) that she may NOT come back to your home.
Give them the phone numbers and addresses of your worthless in-laws.
I would have a nice little show down with DH; "either she goes or I do".
Consider an appointment with a divorce attorney and a marriage counselor to assess your options.
So? So they get upset.
So what?
Do you actually like these people or want anything to do with them? I'd consider it a good thing to never have to be around them again.
"No, I can't possibly do that".
Practice it in the mirror. Look yourself in the eye. Become the Tiger Mom protecting her kids and her marriage.
Right back at them. "How dare you feel i should compromise the health of my baby and myself over this. You are the ones being selfish" then let them F - off. Why should you worry about these inconsiderate bozos when they don't care for the stress you are under and the health impacts.
I'm very angry on your behalf because i had a friend have a massive stroke a few days before her 3rd child was born - he was delivered by C Section while she was on life support. Her MIL had moved in to "help with the children" but was so difficult to deal and fought with her about the kids, the house, the hubby and her idiot husband avoided everything. Stress can / does kill.
You matter. Your baby matters. Your husband needs to stand up with you and say "NO" and if no one takes her in - a nice assisted living. You'll still be her family and care for her but the caring is not in your house and you do not have to do it all.
F-em!!!!
You are a young mom with your hands full and more to come.
Start looking for Memory Care for mom. Not Assisted Living, she needs Memory Care.
Set up a tour of a few places and when you find one you think will be a good fit begin the process of getting her in residence.
If siblings do not agree, let them care for MIL. DON'T back down.
Yes she is not going to like it.
She will probably tell you she hates you, that you are dumping her and every other thing she will say to make you "feel guilty"
She is not going to get better, she will decline and as much work as it is now to care for her it will get more difficult.
I based the decision on placing my Husband on SAFETY.
If it became unsafe for me to care for him I would have had to place him.
If it became unsafe for him for me to care for him I would have had to place him.
SAFETY is not just physical safety but mental, emotional safety.
Right now it is getting unsafe for you mentally, emotionally to care for your MIL.
it is not "giving up" or a "failure" it is the reality that she needs more care than you can give her.
Thats’s the person who is authorized to make decisions for her……not you or your husband. It is that person’s duty to find & make sure she gets the best care.
I wish someone had told me this sooner. I hope you don’t make the same mistake I did. Best wishes to you. Hugs
I agree 100% with the others who have said she needs to go, now! Your health and your mental health and your family are all at risk here. Don't worry about his family being upset with you.
Your husband made an INVALID PROMISE to his mother. It was based on his emotional attachment to her, and has NOTHING to do with his present, REALITY BASED LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES.
”You don’t DO ANYTHING ANYWAY”? An ignorant, self serving, offensive comment, if anyone ever spoke one.
Mother, with dementia, has ABSOLUTELY NO SAY in making choices for herself that are in conflict with YOUR WELFARE. Her SAFETY is important, and POA should indeed be overseeing and developing her NEW CARE PLAN, starting with removal from your home.
Since you are treated abysmally by them, and clearly shown no respect, why on earth would you be concerned about their negative reactions to your desire to defend yourself and your babies’ welfare. Let them pout, let them grouse.
If it were only you who was being used so crudely, the decision about continuing would STILL be yours to make, but when it comes to doing your best for your children, it’s time to choose FOR THEM.
Speak up with quiet confidence. Your input is FAR overdue.
I think we should all listen to this.
Poodle
The sibling with the medical/financial POA needs to arrange placement in a facility. That sibling may be refusing to spend any of mother's money on MIL's care and think you should do it "for free." I do not know what you have to do to make the POA act on MIL's behalf. At this point your husband may be agreeing to the POA sibling's demands, but this is not workable for you. He will have to forgo being the "good son." Does your hospital group have a Social Services Department? Please look for help from the Social Services Dept or a Senior Advocacy group to find out how to make a medical POA properly administer MIL's resources for her care.
To save ur children and yourself, you tell hubs that today he’s getting that poa sister to take her in or put her in a home. Or tomorrow you go to a divorce lawyer, sick, large pregnant belly and all.Between alimony and child support and most likely losing his home, there shouldn’t be a choice here. And if your mil was ever a good person before being a pissing and worse burden, she would probably agree.
Get. Her. Out. Your babies lives depend on it.