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My husband and I just sold our house and have bought a house down south, that has been our dream as soon as we both retired. My parents are in their early 80’s and I knew they were not happy about it. They have their health issues, but, I didn’t think anytime terminal. I told them we were not abandoning them, my brother lives across the street from them and we planned on coming home every 6-8 weeks to visit. Well my mom dropped a bombshell on us last week, she has a lump on her breast which she has been hiding for 2 months and only told us now because she has had back pain for a couple of weeks and had been resisting going to the drs. She goes for a biopsy tomorrow and next week we will find out how advanced the cancer is. She also said she didn’t tell us because we were moving and everything was in disarray. I feel so guilty about the whole thing. Now, it looks like my husband will be going south by himself for awhile and I will be staying here to help my mother. I can’t stop worrying and crying. I feel like this is such a bad dream.

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Assuming your mom does not suffer from dementia, then she is responsible for going to the doctor to investigate the lump. Whatever you or the rest of the family were doing does not really change that. I can understand your worry, but you truly have no reason for guilt.
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Please do not feel guilty. Your mom decided on her own timing to see a doctor and let everybody know her problem. You are not responsible for the lump. her timing, or the treatment. Of course you are concerned and fears about pain or death probably come to mind frequently.

Please find a counsellor in your new town to talk to about your concerns. You need to come to a place of peace before you can be an asset in this new health challenge.
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I am a breast cancer survivor. My cancer had metastasized. First of all, not all lumps are cancer. If it is cancer, it depends on the type of cancer on how fast it grows. Even with it metastasizing I have survived for 40 years. They did a modified breast removal and removed all my lymph nodes on that side. I did not need any help except for dinner and laundry. Your dad is still alive, he can do those things. Someone can take her to the doctor for followups.

Her back pain probably has nothing to do with the lump. I am 87 and have back pain all the time.

I will admit, I am somewhat of a rebel, I drove anyway.

If it is cancer, decisions will have to be made about post op treatment. IF it is cancer, and she decides for chemo, tell her that Boysenberry pie is easy to keep down. I had years of chemo, personally, if I am faced with that choice again, I may say, "I will try it, but if I get sick, I am out of here." I have permanent bad effects from chemo. I have led a full life and I will probably chose no chemo or radiation.

Don't feel guilty, or think you have to give up your retirement to take care of your mother. Your first responsibility is to your husband. All your anxiety will not make her well or save her life.. I was out of the hospital in 2 days, and I went back to work within two weeks. They did accommodate me at work. I would have gone crazy being at home believing I was going to die and leave one child at home. PLEASE, if it is cancer, don't tell her to "think positive". I hated those words.

You can message me anytime. Hang in there,
remember, your mother chose not to see a doctor or tell you immediately.
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Maple3044 Aug 2021
What a lovely, hope-filled message. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience.
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It seemed like she was afraid to tell you the bad news, and I'm sorry that she could have let you know a lot sooner. Is it possible she could have done this to prevent you from moving? What an awkward situation. I would go get some in home help, and then go ahead and move with your husband.
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Move with your husband to your new home. Visit your mother as planned. She will find out what, if anything, is going on and she may or may not have cancer. Once she is evaluated she will then have to decide how she wants to proceed. Treatment? Palliative care? I say go South and get settled into your new home. And visit your mother in 6-8 weeks.
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Kiansl: Imho, you should not feel guilty. Best of luck to your mother and to YOU. Take care of yourself.
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YOU did nothing wrong - she did by not being honest with you. What happens now is her fault. Please make sure all the affairs of both of them are in order and get a POA and whatever else you will need. If it is really bad, you realize you might need a caretaker or will have to place them. You can't do much more. Don't jeopardize your life and marriage - you come first now. They lived their lives.
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BurntCaregiver Aug 2021
Riley,

Do you actually READ what you write before posting it?
I truly think not.

"What happens now is her fault".

Cancer is nobody's "fault" and you should be ashamed of yourself to post such a statement.

Whether or not the mother was honest about it would not stop her having cancer. It could be that she didn't want to put the burden on Kiansl when she was in the process of moving.
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Breast cancer is far more treatable than it used to be. Even mammograms can be wrong. My sister was biopsied and it came out normal. Just encourage her to be proactive.
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Stop worry about yourself. Your mom did nothing wrong. Although you may by inconvenienced for a while because you were looking forward to moving south , your mom is going through a difficult situation. She needs emotional support right now. Nothing is more important than family. You think if the situation was reversed she would be upset because you hadn’t told her what is going on with your health. No she would be there for you without question.
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Chris52 Aug 2021
Seems to me this woman is quite aware of her mother’s need of support; she simply wishes she had known as they were planning the move. She mentions feeling “guilty” and turned to this forum for support. Your response sounds like a scolding, which is the last thing she needs.
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Cancer is so very, very personal.

I was dxed by my PCP and out for a CT scan within 24 hrs. Only told DH. After we had all the tests and scans and whatnot, we then shared it with the kids.

They were remarkably calm and not a single tear was shed (in my presence, anyway).

I did 18 months of chemo, 6 of the 'rough stuff' and about a year of FU. Then I was DONE...I just couldn't see being sick 24/7 to buy a few more months of life being worth it.

Until you yourself have had cancer (and God forbid you do!) you cannot fathom the emotions you go through and how hard it is to create a support network of people.

Live your life. That's all I asked of my kiddoes. Just go do what you would have done anyway.

And actually--KNOWING was far better than laying in bed wondering and worrying.
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Thank you all for your helpful and kind words. I am so glad I found this forum. I will update when we get results.
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cherokeewaha Aug 2021
I had a lump/knot in & on my breast for over a year. It started bothering me and my back straight thru from it was hurting too. I went in, had a biopsy and it was benign. I had a cyst from what they told me was a milk gland. I had it removed and on my 6 week check up, another one had come up on the other breast. I left it and it is still there. That was in 1987. I told my kids since they were still teens but, we decided to wait for results to make plans if needed.
Then again in 2018, a colonoscopy resulted in removal of most of my colon due to cancer. I refused any chemo but took oral meds. I have my final things paid for and ready and my children and grand children know they are not to worry about taking care of me. They have their own lives to live and their own kids and grandkids to worry about. I didn't give birth to them to be my care givers. I took care of my mom until I could no longer lift her and now am doing the same with my husband.
I gave up a lot for my mom and almost cost me my marriage. Don't let that happen to you. Be there during the really bad times but, spend as much time as possible with your husband.
I pray the results on your mom will be benign also.
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You both had a bombshell to deal with. More than likely she was just too scared to go to the doctor and hear out loud what she was already thinking the lump could be. The pain scared her more, so she finally had to spill the beans. Don't feel guilty about what you couldn't have possibly known. Just help her along with the doctor appointments. Will be hoping for both of you that the lump is just a lump.

The thought of having cancer or actually having it is exactly what you said - a bad dream that you can't wake up from. I totally understand her not wanting to hear the words and you being fearful. Best wishes to all of you
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Lymie61 Aug 2021
Yes you are right, denial is both a very human thing and very powerful.
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How old is your mom? Almost every older woman develops some breast cancer just as almost every old man harbors some prostate cancer cells. This may not be invasive. If your mom is in her eighties, then conservative treatment is the best option At some point, we have to consider quality of life as well as length.

Do not feel guilty. In many cases finding out early that one has cancer only tells you that you have had cancer for longer than you thought. If a cancer is aggressive, it doesn't really matter when you find it.

I always recommend Dr. Nortin Hadler's book, Rethinking Aging: Growing Old and Living Well in an Overtreated Society.

https://doctorskeptic.blogspot.com/2013/03/book-review-rethinking-aging-growing.html
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What is causing you to feel guilty? I don't read anything in the situation that you would be guilty about.
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Your parents could go stay with ya'll while mom gets treatments or you could just stay with her a week while she recoops from surgery and just fly back and forth every 3 months to visit.

Your brother is across the street and your Dad can accompany your mom for the Treatments.

And who knows, a lump doesn't always mean it's cancer.

Also, there are Caregivers your mom can use.

Just wait and see.

Moms are special but so are husband's and your Dad is still alive and can be with mom and she's fortunate to have a son across the street.

Prayers
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First what do you feel guilty about? Following your family plan to move south, the one that has been an open book plan for…how long? Maybe you think the moving forward with purchasing a home and moving caused your moms Cancer (if this is the case you might want to ask a doctor about this)?

It sounds more to me like you are feeling loss, loss of your vision of the next year (maybe causing the guilt), loss of your parents independence, maybe even loss of the life you have had even though you’ve been looking forward to the new chapter. By the time we get to retirement age we learn that things change and hopefully we learn to adapt. This is just a change of life and you need to find the best way to adapt and incorporate it into YOUR life. It sounds like you have been and have always planned to continue being very involved in your parents lives. It sounds like your brother is as well and the two of you are able to work together. Your retirement plans didn’t come as a surprise to him did they? He decided to live across the street from your parents? Staying until your moms diagnosis comes in makes sense and so does continuing with your move until her diagnosis is made and a plan, if any, for treatment is made. It up to you but I can tell you from experience while it isn’t easy, living at least 5 hrs away and still helping, being very involved in all the medical needs and issues as well as there in person when your really needed is possible. Lol when my mom had her stroke and then heard surgery I basically spent the summer at my brothers helping to care for her, my husband called it my summer home.

Hang in there and remember it doesn’t need to be all or nothing, each lane of your life will need to give a little but you can find your grove and maintain both your family life at home in the south and your family life there with your parents and brother. Don’t expect the worst just plan for it. Good luck, you’ve got this!
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I've read a few answers about how you should not feel guilty, and they are right. I think what you're really feeling is is fear of the unknown and sadness because you want to be there for your Mom and you can't be there for the day to day. Thankfully your brother is right across the street, so your parents will never be alone and especially in an emergency. Have faith things will work out for the best. Once you have the test results, there will be a plan of care. You'll get into a rhythm of being in either location as the need occurs. You cannot predict the future, but you can plan for it. Perhaps you can find an adult community right by your new home where your parents can re-locate in time. Deep breathes, take one day at a time. I wish your family the best possible outcome. Keep us posted.
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Sounds like you did everything 100% correctly except allowing yourself to be guilted by your mother's maneuver.
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my2cents Aug 2021
Maneuver? Everyone reacts to potential serious health problems differently. Some face it head on and go to a doctor. Some are afraid of what they might hear and delay medical advice.
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Why should she necessarily tell you? It is not uncommon for an older person to not share a difficult medical diagnsis with friends or family at all. If they ultimately die of that disease, only then might other people learn they were sick.

You are not your mother's doctor. Her treatment and prognosis do not depend upon you. If she had no childten, no husband, no help, she would still have a lump and perhaps have cancer and she would make arrangements for treatment (or not) on her own. If you want to be there for her appointments and/or treatment, you can be, but your being there will not make her cancer go away.
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The older we get the more health issues occur. It's called aging.
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It is not your mother's responsibility to inform you of every health issue that she has going on. A person's body belongs to THEM - not to their relatives. There is no reason for you to feel "guilty."

I'm sure she was being honest when she said that she did not want to burden you with it in the midst of your moving chaos.

Since she is in her 80s, she may not want extremely aggressive treatment for breast cancer. It becomes a quality of life issue. But you won't know what you are dealing with until the tests come back.

Having moved down south will NOT change the outcome of your mother's cancer. If it turns out to be a wildly metastatic type, having it examined two months earlier would not have made any difference in the outcome. Please keep that in mind.

So, please calm down and look at the situation rationally, instead of emotionally.

Good luck to you and your mother.
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YOUR FIRST RESPONSIBILITY IS TO YOUR HUSBAND. PERIOD. You MUST live your life and enjoy your retirement. You are NOT responsible for your parents. No guilt trip and no shame. ENJOY YOUR RETIREMENT !!!!!
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cetude Aug 2021
they are still her parents. you only get one mom and dad. That's it!
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some people don't want to admit they might have something serious, but take one day at a time. the question is......IF it is cancerous, is she going to do something about it? My mother had breast cancer when she was 68 had a single mastectomy, then 20 years later it re-surfaced, only this time (at 88) she only needed a lumpectomy. She said no chemo, but did the radiation. Someone asked her (she is now 94) did she check herself and said no. she said if she had cancer again, there would be no treatment. Of course your mother is younger, but I am sure she will make out fine. you can stay on and help her where needed but at some point she should be back to normal and if necessary you and your brother could arrange to have someone come to check on her every day once you move to the south. Why feel guilty.......you had no idea and she didn't want to interfer with your plans. Again, take one day at a time, see what needs to be done, either she follows thru with a plan or not. I wish you luck........no one wants to have cancer and she is lucky to have you help her out.
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Why should you feel "guilty"
YOU did not hide the fact that there is a lump...
YOU did not hide the fact that you were buying a house and moving...I am sure you have talked about this for years.
YOU have made plans to come back and visit.
YOU have a brother that can help out.

Wait until you find out what the biopsy says.
Have you discussed with m om the possible outcomes and what SHE wants to do given the best scenario and the worst?

Have you talked to your brother about what he is willing to do to help out?

You all now play the "waiting game" and see what steps have to be taken next.
Yes it is stressful please do not feel guilty,.
If treatment is choses PLEASE go south to be with your husband when you can this is your dream, your life
And if I were your mom I would NOT want you to abandon your dream I have a close support system and I will manage. And knowing that you will be back to visit will give me something to look forward to.
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Agree, see what the biopsy says and the choices Mom makes, as said, sometimes the lump is removed and very little done. My friend takes a chemo pill for the next five years.

Why should you feel guilty. Your Mom should have had that lump checked out as soon as she found it. Keeping you out of the loop until she got the results.

If this had been my MIL, it would have been intentional. She had already done something similar to my BIL. He couldn't go to her home in Fla for Christmas because of commitments with his job. So she told him she had breast cancer. SIL called me wanting to know why we didn't tell them. Because we didn't know and its probably not true. And it wasn't.
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I myself had a breast lump several months ago which had to be biopsied; I did not tell my children about it b/c why worry them over something that could turn out to be nothing? That's exactly what happened, too, the lump was not cancerous, and nothing to worry about & does not have to be removed.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, first of all. Your mother chose not to tell you about her potential health situation, notice I said Potential, and did choose to tell you now that you let her know you're moving. Stop crying and worrying over something that may be nothing at all. Let the test results come in BEFORE you consider this situation to be a crisis, ok? And, even if mom does have cancer, many many MANY women do survive breast cancer.

Old age hits all of us, and we wind up dealing with all sorts of health issues. My DH is now facing a liver transplant after undergoing triple bypass surgery & lung surgery last October & November. I'm the one who took care of him then, and will take care of him after the transplant, so the only one of our 7 children who's been affected by his health crises has been my daughter who's an RN. And she's chosen to be by our side during his various surgeries b/c she is a cardiac RN with direct experience in the field. The rest of the children's lives haven't been affected at all by their dad's health issues, which is as it should be. Of course they call frequently & lend their supportive ears to both of us, but in the end, that's all they can and should do.

Please put this whole thing into perspective and try to calm down. You can definitely stay with your mom for a while, if need be, and your DH can go south alone to get things set up. But eventually, you'll join him to begin your retired lives together, one way or another.

Wishing you the best of luck with everything.
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Breathe 🦋
One day at a time and one moment at a time.

My mom is 74 - she is a 32 year breast cancer survivor and almost 3 year massive stroke survivor.

Your mom got scared - but she isn’t anymore and she is doing exactly what she should now with this next step …..go with that moving forward.

So much more is available and know for breast cancer now - just keep positive and know what ever happens “You will get through it as a family”.

It is so hard not to look and think ahead and the anxiety to take over when our loved ones get sick but you just pull yourself back into focus and manifest that this won’t be cancer and if it was then you take step 2.

kepping your mom in my prayers for tomorrow - 🙏🏼
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My mother, when she was in her mid 80s, also found a lump. It was breast cancer. The lump was removed in a simple out-patient procedure, and no further treatment of any kind was done. The surgeon emphasized to her, and to me, that she should not be forced or pushed into any other treatment if she didn’t want to (such as chemotherapy or drugs). He said he had gotten the lump out cleanly, and felt this breast cancer was likely just the result of living a very long time and cancers can happen to the very old.

That was over five years ago. My mother is now almost 91. The cancer never returned.

I hope, and pray, your mother’s breast lump, even if it does turn out to be cancer, will be as non-eventful. Try not to panic or worry too much until you find out the real situation, and then try to take any news with measured deliberation and evaluation of what needs, or should, be done. As bad as breast cancer can be for young women, in the elderly it isn’t always the sentence to a miserable series of treatments and/or death.
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I'm sorry that you are in this distressing situation. Many on this forum have been through the same and similar.

First, please try not to feel guilty. You did nothing wrong since you could never have known about your mom's health unless she told you -- and she chose not to. My mom does that same thing to me, even though I've talked to her a million times that it would be worse for both of us to find out about the issue later rather than sooner.

It is ok to grieve (which is maybe what you really feel, not guilt). It IS bombshell news and things are happening fast, no time to mentally and emotionally process things. You will need to "eat the elephant" one bite at a time so that you don't get overwhelmed. Please try not to worry about your mom's prognosis until you know actual facts from her doctors. Don't spend any energy worrying about something that hasn't happened yet -- it will drain you of important energy reserves you need for other pressing things. May you gain peace in your heart and wisdom in your decisions as you move through this time.
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Kiansl Aug 2021
Thank you for the response. It really helped. ❤️
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Your mother may have several reasons for not sharing this information, not the least of which is fear for herself and not wanting to disrupt your plans.  But that's then, you're moving into the "now".

My sister told us she had cancer but concealed the level and complications until less than a year before she died. I learned more from her co-workers.  She was a strong person and apparently was uncomfortable sharing her situation with us.

Think instead in terms of how each of you can move forward, and begin making plans.    If the biopsy is positive, consider an appointment with the oncologist to be aware of and discuss the options.    Locate a local Gilda's Club and meet others who are also dealing with cancer.

Also, you might want to check the CURE website for information on dealing with cancer:

https://www.curetoday.com/

There's no question that cancer is a nightmare materialized, and much more, so focus on that, and how you, your husband and parents can work together, especially given the geographic separation that now exists.
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