I'm 24, my mom is 55. When I moved 3 years ago with my now fiance, my mom's marriage was ending so she moved with me. We were doing fine financially so we told her we didn't expect her to financially help at all so she ended up not getting a job. When she moved with us she left her car behind (it was broken anyway) so she doesn't have a vehicle. We're having to drive her everywhere she has to go (doctors quite often) or if she just wants to get out the house. She has really bad direction and isn't a great driver anyway so with her getting a car, I know I'd be expected to go with her still to insure she doesn't end up lost or in a wreck. Even things 5 minutes down the road are very difficult for her to remember. She hasn't tried to make any friends so she's confined to the house everyday all day. After much persuasion, she finally downloaded a dating app. The fellow she's been talking to cannot drive due to a aneurysm and the damage it caused. I'm extremely worried that as they're getting serious nothing will change because he's also living with others on a very fixed income. I'm worried I'll end up having to look after both of them eventually. I've 2nd guessed having kids of my own because I'm already overwhelmed with the responsibilities I have due to the current situation. Me and my fiance aren't able to go out overnight without her because she frequently leaves the oven on or a burner on and I'm worried she'll get hurt. We don't have any privacy in the house currently. She knocks once and opens the door right away before we can say anything to my bedroom while me and my fiance are in there and even while I'm in the bathroom. Both situations have led to awkward situations but nothing has changed. I don't mean to sound overly negatively. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom and will never leave her to struggle. We're in the process of buying another house on a bigger property so that we can put a in law building somewhere on the property, but she doesn't want to live in it alone which brings me back to the fellow she's currently dating who would also need assistance such as doctor visits, grocery shopping, etc. Can anyone help me with a way to politely set better boundaries with her and to push her to be more independent? I've tried getting her to go to church or join the local zumba group and ymca but she'll say she'll think about it and brushes it off. Is there a way to politely let her know she'll be expected to be more independent especially once we move and she's in her own space on the property? What ways can I help push her? Thanks in advance
Things to note:
We live in a rural area in the south
My only sibling recently moved out of the country
You are the captain of your own ship; live your best life and set healthy boundaries of self-protection.
"Polite," means speaking in a calm voice with clarity of what your needs are.
Setting boundaries, limits doesn't mean you do not care, it means you do care.
The situation needs to work for all of you in the household.
* Write down what your needs are. Have a list available.
* Limit 'explanation' as over-explaining usually means a person feels guilty, bad, etc for what they assert - it gives your personal power away.
- In the moment you feel something is not right, speak up. Do not hold it in. Holding it in is, in part, why you are in the situation you are in now.
- This is new behavior for you (asserting yourself). It will feel awkward and you may feel trepidatious / timid to speak up. Do it anyway. You could start with "This is hard for me to say ... then say it." "I don't want to hurt you although I need to tell you XXX".
* You are not able to 'push' her - you can offer her options to check out herself perhaps (if she can) - or you do the research:
Again, depends on her cognitive abilities/functioning:
- where places are hiring for her to get a job
- Volunteer organizations
- Meet Ups
* Then it is up to her to pursue / follow-thru. If she does not, you need to make another arrangement - perhaps discussing her living elsewhere.
* Based on her cognitive capacity: She is NOW ACCUSTOM to doing / being as she has been. It is 'easy street' for her. She may (certainly) not 'like' new rules or guidelines for living in your space. Expect her to react. Hold your ground, in a nice way. Take small steps although do not give in. Revisit your 'list' with her regularly to see how she is doing (to meet your needs).
If she has dementia, she should not be 'bringing any man home." This puts her in tremendous risk, as it does you/r family.
Whatever the relationship is with this man --- or if not him, it might be another man down the road, insure that all your mother's financial documents are in order - (you/beneficiary) and if it were me / my mother (esp on my property), I would do a criminal check and by all means ask him for a copy of his driver's license. You need to be as careful as you can be (esp nowadays). You mother is an 'easy target' for men - they smell a vulnerable older woman a mile away.
* Tell you mom: If you date / have men come over, they needs to provide me XXX" --- end of story / no discussion. If she doesn't go along with this, they she doesn't live in your home.
DO NOT PUT YOURSELF IN A POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS SITUATION.
You are very young and you are doing too much, which really will not help her overall. Thank you for reaching out. You did good contacting us.
Gena / Touch Matters
Unless she is sick, quit taking her to the doctors except once or twice a year. She might need anti/depressants or she might just be a narcissist like my friend’s mother was that destroyed her children’s lives because of the same thing you’re doing. You need to quit feeling sorry for her because it doesn’t sound like she cares about your life. Do you really want to be taking care of her for the next 25 or more years. If you do get a place with a mother-in-laws apt, you need to set limits on her coming into your house and never let a boyfriend that is handicapped move in with her because you will be taking care of him too. Read up about narcissistic mothers because it sounds like she is one.
She either has special needs or perhaps has a form of Dementia, because no responsible adult acts that way. The fact that she "frequently" leaves the burner on, is a giant red flag that something is WRONG.
You may have to take her to a neurologist ASAP to see what is wrong.
You need to find out what's wrong, so that you can take the next steps from there. If she has a form of Dementia, she will eventually need a full-time caregiver.
You are inviting a host of co-dependency and enmeshment issues, not to mention compromising your relationship with your partner. As to your mom's health, it appears that she needs a thorough evaluation. Is she menopausal? Cognitive issues can be related to the abrupt loss of estrogen and progesterone. In many cases, hormone replacement therapy can solve the problem. Also, consider involving a neutral third-party, like a mental health counselor to guide you through the detachment process. Schedule an initial appointment to get the support you need. Then, work towards a group session with your mom where the counselor can take the helm and hold a mirror up to your mom's behavior non-threateningly. Where is your sibling in all of this? You need to enlist his/her help in this effort by becoming a united front and not shoulder all the responsibility.
Stay strong, and remember you deserve a life independent of your mother!
If so, now divorced + dependant?
My aim would be to encorouge her towards making a great new life for herself.
You do not need to FIX her life for her.
But you could HELP by;
1. researching & suggesting SUPPORT groups:
faith based, women's help group, councelling.
Prod her to go.
(I see you have been..)
2. arrange a MEDICAL appointment for a thorough checkup: general health, memory & mood screening.
The big ones to rule out - or get diagnosed & treatment for are;
* depression & other mental health
* dementia
* diabetes
* dependance on alcohol or drugs
Then see where that takes your Mom.. Health treatment plan? Therapy? New support groups? Re-training skill classes? A new job?
Next steps will be for Mom to move out & into her OWN space. If living alone does not appeal (as you mentioned) then what other options exist? +55 community? Or even a sharehouse (Golden Girls style). Some women find a whole new chapter of life & it becomes the BEST chapter of their life.
A friend did just that. Thought about what she REALLY wanted in life. To swim in the ocean! Sold up everthing in her rural life. Bought a townhouse she could afford in an area she could afford, rented it out & rents near a beach.
Now swims in the ocean.
PS. "She's in her own space on the property?"
Seriously re-think this solution.
Listen to your warning bells.
Mom will still be dependant on you.
I am 70 years old and live alone and work a part time job at home, I also drive and have GPS. When I was 55 I worked a full time job and supported myself. So, I just think some mental issues are happening and you need to make sure of this.
By the way, some people on here are very against a mother living with their adult child but people, it just depends on the people involved. I lived with my daughter when she had my first grandbaby and I took care of the baby all weekend so she could rest. She and her boyfriend always asked me to come out of my room to watch our favorite program together and we would order take out. We never had a problem with boundaries. Currently my daughter and I are looking for a house to rent together, along with her current boyfriend. They have 3 kids and haven't been out for ages so when I can I go over so they can go out but living together will help them out greatly. Two of the kids are autistic. So people need to stop being so hateful about it!
I think your Mom is going through depression. Unless she had been diagnosed for early memory loss, the leaving the stove on, short term memory loss, etc. is due to the severe change and stress that divorce brings, regardless of the conditions of the marriage. Then she moved, on top of that.
I suspect the underlying issue is that she has no friends or support now that she has moved to a new area. Therefore, you are not only the friend, but also the support. You, yes you, need to help her get assimilated into the area. Instead of just talking about zumba and church, both you and she go do it. Instead of talking about senior activities, research together and drop her off to do it. Then think about transportation. How is she going to get to where these activities might be?
Look for volunteer opportunities that are outside the home. That will give her an opportunity to go meet people and get to know them. At first, drop her off. Then later, you figure out how she is going to get there. Go on the LYFT or Uber with her. Show her how to do it. Talk is not good enough when one is insecure about transportation. She needs to get out of the house and put into a situation where she can meet others. Not easy if you have moved into a new community. Even harder if you are rural.
She really has had 2 "whammies" in her life, all happening at the same time. 1) divorce -- which changes your friend and support group and 2) moving -- which changes everything she knows about the area.
In order to get her to be more independent, you need to address both "whammies".
About the friend on the internet....get her to meet people in person. It sounds like she is the perfect candidate for catfishing.
Do she do lists? If so, put together a list of things she has to check before she leaves the house. Keep the list close to the door so that she can remember to use it Bad direction? Teach her to use Google Maps and connect your phone to hers so that you know where she is at all times. Can't remember to take the phone? See if you can get a lanyard to hang the phone around her neck. Attach the keys to the house on that lanyard.
I commend you for taking her into your house. However, you are going to have to take the initiative to help her meet new people and how to get around in the community that you live in.
P.S. Get a lock on your bedroom door and make sure you use it.
I made this decision as I was living overseas, had just meet someone who would become my husband and eventually the father of my children. I eventually moved closer but still remained her champion, but not carer. I would not let her live with me and I prioritized my kids and career. I did this because I wanted to provide my kids with the best life possible and enjoyed my career.
My point is this; had I jumped to care for her, I would have missed out on the most important things in my life, especially time with my kids. I know she would have loved for me to help and care for her, but I needed to prioritize my kids and my own happiness and mental health. That doesn't mean I loved her any less, just that as adults we have to make hard decisions. I was always polite as I don't think setting boundaries makes you rude, unkind or unloving.
My mother will be 91 this year. If I had dropped everything to care for her, I think my life would be empty and joyless. I have had done and experienced so much in the years since her accident. I am now your mothers age, and I can't ever imagine putting the pressure she is putting on you on my own kids.
My recommendation, be very firm and set very clear boundaries. If she doesn't want to abide by them, walk away. It will be harder as she lives with you, but you need find another place for her. The short-term time and effort commitment to find somewhere else for her will be worth it a thousand times over.