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Don’t accept the guilt. Just because that’s what she thinks she wants doesn’t mean you have to provide it and if you know that isn’t the best arrangement for you then it is t the best arrangements t for her either. Taking in or moving in with a parent to be live in caregiver is a huge move and sometimes the most loving thing as well as the hardest is to recognize before hand that it won’t work. Mom may not see that now because she is blinded by fear which is coming out as anger and frustration at you but that doesn’t mean she is right. I would say the same if feelings were reversed and you wanted to move mom in but she wanted to make other arrangements, it takes both or all parties in the case of other family in the house, being on board with the plan to even have a prayer of it working well. Guilt only indicates a problem that shouldn’t be ignored and if mom isn’t able to see that you need to be the reasonable adult that does by simply not accepting the guilt she is handing out.
In some cases, not being the primary caretaker helps preserve the family relationship. When we were taking care of my grandmother, having a home health aide to assist us helped protect her privacy and dignity for things like bathing and dressing. It also helped her maintain an element of independence instead of being directed to do something by a child or grandchild who was trying to fit in caretaking with all of their other responsibilities. Having that respite allowed us to enjoy being with her instead of feeling stretched thin and frustrated. It also helped ease my grandmother's sense of feeling like a burden.
Of course, my grandmother was a very different individual in terms of being an excellent communicator who was very empathetic and appreciative. I am having a much different experience at the moment as my husband and I transition to caregiving for his parents. I am trying my best to emulate my grandmother's compassion, but taking care of someone who never seems to appreciate your efforts is extremely draining, even though the physical level of required care is not as substantial just yet. I am sorry that you are going through this. Thank you for posting - reading through this helped me recognize that it is perfectly OK to set boundaries with my mother-in-law. I do not think I could mentally survive living in the same household with her.
No I’m just kidding ( 99% of the nights )...but I totally get it as I struggle with the same issue. Some mothers will NEVER be satisfied no matter what, and satisfying them isn’t our job, even though it can take decades to realize we’ve been groomed to try to please them. Sometimes we get more pressure from relatives and staff to ‘be strong’ and ‘ be there’ for our mothers as our moms act lovely to visitors and then crab at us. This pressure can be
Keeping your mom safe in AL and being in charge of her logistics etc.. is MORE than enough! And when conversations with her involve guilt bombs getting thrown in, changing the subject or making a white lie might help. I often try to be cooking while we’re on the phone so my own attention is diverted.
You are more than enough! Huge hug M
PS Yesterday my mom said she needed a break and only wanted to ‘mooch off of my daughter’, and would bring a sleeping bag since I said I didn’t have room. I totally feel ya.
But you ARE taking care of her! She is being cared for in Assisted Living . My great aunt explained to her daughter that having daughter care for her in daughter's home was not working out. Too hard on daughter and son-in-law. And most of all, too much isolation! Great aunt wanted to be around people, to socialize, etc. etc. She insisted on moving into assisted living and was very happy there! New things happening every day, new people to meet and befriend. She did not want to insult daughter, BUT she was getting tired of the same old, same old everyday stuff at daughter's house.
Always good to have NICE stories like this. Those who think the only place for elders is in their own home with their children as slaves or that it's horrible placing someone in "those" places haven't seen how much improvement there has been in senior housing. Not everyone needs a NH. Mom's facility is IL/AL/MC, so there is potential for transitioning if needed. My mother was already in need of MC, but I have seen the place when they first finished the rebuild and have interfaced with others living in the IL/AL. So far only one man was unhappy being there, everyone else loves it and are happy! The best news was recent - mom can stay to the end - they told me I won't have to move her to NH if she declines too much (she's 97, in a wheelchair mainly of her own doing, recently had a stroke, but still feisty and gets along really well with several staff members.)
Do not let your mom guilt you about this. I would never ask my own daughter to take me on in addition to her other responsibilities and essentially not have a life of her own. I don't want my mom to expect that of me either. I have no desire to be a 24 hr a day caregiver. I don't have it in me. Add in the fact that mom has dementia, so I am dealing with someone who is mentally not there and it is definitely not my desire to deal with that 24/7. Even though her siblings try to guilt me about it and say even though you're working you could hire in people to take care of her while you're at work. I said I have no desire to move her in with me, but if you feel compelled, you are more than welcome to move her into your home and deal with someone who can't be left alone for a minute, doesn't want to bathe, repeats herself over and over and over again and then accuses you of stealing her things. Have at it. That pretty much shuts them up. None of them have taken care of anyone in this capacity and I find their suggestions ignorant and insulting. Dealing with a parent or spouse who has dementia has its stages. I don't mean their stages of the disease, I mean your stages of acceptance and dealing with it. In the beginning I was shocked, then I was overwhelmed trying to manage everything, then I got mad about it all, then I got busy and placed her in a lovely facility 2 minutes from my home. I don't feel guilty at all. I have done an excellent job of managing my mothers care and she didn't have to be under my roof for me to do it.
This is an answer I would like to up vote 1,000 times or more! I love how you shut the others up. If telling them doesn't work, arrange for a day you can drop the person off, even if it's just a few hours and let them taste it!!!
I did what I could to try to keep mom in her condo longer, but we never got past 1hr/day aides, who really had nothing to do except check on her, perhaps go buy some milk and juice and check/remind her to take her meds from a timed/locked dispenser. The plan was to increase them if/when needed, but less than 2 mo later, she refused to let them in!
Plan B - find a NICE place, nearer to where I live (her condo was 1.5 hours each way!), manage all the finances, condo until sold, etc and continue to advocate for her, see she's well cared for, cont managing finances, etc. The care they provide is WAY more than I could ever do myself, even if I could hire help. The place and staff is so nice, I've said I would like to live there, if I ever need to give up living in my own place (it's IL/AL/MC.)
Already told my kids, if/when the time comes, find a nice place for me, manage finances, etc for me, MAKE SURE I DON'T GET FAT and visit only if YOU want to visit. Also make sure my kitties find a good home, if I have any left by then...
This may be more of a generational issue. My grandmother dropped out of school at 16 year old to work and "help support the family." She never went back to school. She took care of her parents and her in-laws during a time period when family HAD to take care of the seniors because there weren't other options. My mother took care of my grandmother for the last 7 years of her life (Gram lived to be a month shy of 99) and Gram paid my mom a weekly salary - same amount she got from her minimum wage job. My mom is living independently for now at 77 years old. We have an agreement that I will build a small "granny cottage" on our property when she needs it.
In my case, I am returning to work to earn a retirement. I have told my mom that I will make sure she is safe and healthy (happiness is the individual's responsibility), but did not guarantee that I would do the caregiving. She probably hears that I will take care of her like she took care of her mom. However, she is satisfied that she will be cared for.
Maybe your mom has expectations of being cared for as earlier generations have done. In reality, your responsibility is to make sure she is healthy and safe... not to keep her in your home and not necessarily to do the caregiving. God bless those folks that are able to do the caregiving.
What a thoughtful explanation! Thank you!! My generation (I'm 76) and those following me have become used to having elder care options (some of which we don't necessarily like) - nursing homes, ALs, MC etc but my Mom's generation didn't have any choice but to take care of their elders. The only thing the government supplied prior to the New Deal was the local workhouse or the insane asylum which is where those who were older and had no family unfortunately wound up. Even orphanages were usually privately funded by charities. I took care of my Mom for a lot of reasons and now that was an honor and a privilege but now I realize that subconsciously, it may also have been that I was just following in the cultural footsteps of my family and generations that had gone before me. Thank you!!
An important activity in preventing these guilt trips that can be put on you not just by a parent but others is to have a -0- tolerance for them. When people see you can't be sucked in to the manipulation they will stop. Parents are living soooo much longer (we all are) and for some reason soo many of them percieve their children owe them something. To "deal with" the guilt you have to prevent the guilt activities from occurring. Our parents are adults they need to take responsibility for their lives and we need to hold them (politetly) accountable to that. When she starts in do not argue with her, stick to the facts as to why she is not living with you. If she persists at some point you have to step away and say to her I will not be treated this way. Tell her if this persists you will drive me away. If you lay that down you must be prepared to act on it. If all you do is give empty threats she will see right thru it and you have put her in charge of your life. Im 64 yrs old now and living alone. With this pandemic I am quite the hermit. The only people that are really safe to be around are my children. BUT I have not changed to constantly bugging them. My policy has been if hey want to see me they can call, come over or invite me. They need to live their own lives. Engaging with me needs to be a positive event when we get together not a dreaded guilt trip. This is how my parents handled it, it worked very well, so I am using the process. Their Mother.. she calls them constantly, pestering them. She has pretty much driven them away.
As others said, and I HIGHLY agree, guilt is only for those who have done something wrong. You have NOT done anything wrong. Your mother may think so, but that's what she thinks. Just because she thinks it doesn't make it true!
One thing I did not do was participate in the actual move to MC. I did all the leg work and prep, and left the move to my 2 brothers. I figured I would get the blame anyway, as I did for taking her car key (YB took it, not me!) Surprisingly not once did she ever dump on me - every time YB was there during the first 9 mo, she would harangue him to take her back to her condo - although I was there, she didn't pester me! Granted it's a little different, as she has dementia. At 9 mo she forgot about her condo, regressing in time back to the previous house (sold 25 years before!)
I also made my decision, no way could I take care of her. She and her sisters took turns caring for my grandmother, but she was easy to care for, didn't have dementia and was gone before they all retired! She could be left alone during the day, if they were working. She was very easy going too. My mother, not so much. Add in full stairs to get in/out of my place and bathrooms too small to handicap, plus having issues with my lower back and her outweighing me by a lot, nope.
You can call, visit, take her out (if possible) and/or bring small gifts/treats, and that shows you care. Given her multiple issues and most likely that you are working, taking her in is not going to work. Most of us are not trained in care, and many still have obligations such as work and/or children/families of our own to care for. It isn't always the best solution to take in a parent or other LO.
So, work on not accepting guilt based on her statements. If she starts on you, and asking her to stop doesn't work, say goodbye and hang up if on the phone, or tell her you will be back when she can stop asking for what can't be done and leave. You have a LOT of support here!
(P.S. there are those on the forum who will attempt to lay more guilt on you. IGNORE THEM!)
I so wish I had kept that post from when I first started on this forum. Her parents wanted her to care for them. She said something like this:
would you hire someone who has not been trained to care for people.
would you hire someone who could not cook and clean and so on. Her parents said no. She said, then u don't want me.
If you work, there is no way Mom would like being alone all day. Then u come home to caring for her. She is better where she is. She gets to dine with others. Has activities and entertainment.
Of all my Moms 4 kids, I was the one she could guilt. That changed after years of the only one who was there. My house is not conducive to someone who can't do stairs. Mom did better in an AL where she could walk around and was able to Socialize.
Let’s look at who should feel guilty here. You are doing nothing wrong. Your mother is, and she is the one who should feel guilty. She is trying very hard to force on you what she thinks is in her best interest, even when you have made it clear that you don’t want it. That’s not very nice behavior!
Get rid of the guilt in your own head, and turn the tables on her. How can you be so unkind to me, mother, when you know that I just can’t do what you want? Do you want me to feel bad? Don’t you care at all about me?
NYD-- Hit the nail on the head: Guilt is for when you've actually done something wrong! We get so conditioned to feel responsible to our LO's and so everything we do--we wind up feeling guilt, when in fact, there is no right or wrong in many situations--there's only compromise and the 'best effort'.
Somehow my mother tried to make me feel guilty for not 'looking better' while I was txing for cancer. It was SO weird and SO off base, it was actually a wake up call for me.
When she starts in with the guilt (or MIL does with DH, we walk away.)
Deal with it by not listening to it. The minute she starts using the words that trigger you into feeling guilt, end the conversation. Leave. Hangup the phone. Guilt is for when you have done something wrong and you've done nothing wrong. If she doesn't get the drift that you no longer hang around for her guilt trips, then it's okay to be honest about not wanting her living with you: "Mother, I don't want to live with you. I understand that's what you want but it isn't what I want. Please respect that."
It is yourself you need to come to terms with, not your mother. You know who she is, and likely always have known. I am 78. All my adult life I have told my children NOT to take me into (or even on the property of their home. It is hard enough for us to live with chosen partners and our own children in life, and those are the people we OWE to. Our parents chose to have us whatEVER their reasons were. Theirs was the duty to raise us well as they were able given their own limitations. Time now to recognize your own limitations. You can provide what you are able in loving care while recognizing that you have your own life to live. You can provide gentle joy-filled visits. You are not a felon. You have not committed heinous crimes with malice aforethought. Guilt is for them. You are not Ms Fix It. You cannot make everything about the losses that come to us with aging OK. You are a human being with a right to your life, and with your own limitations. If you need help with understanding that fact on a deep inner level then I recommend licensed Social Worker who deals with therapy for life passes or psychologist. You are not a Saint. If you were we would shoot you full of arrows, kill you, then pray to you for eternity to fix EVERYTHING for ALL of us.
I've been assigned the role of The Bad Guy for my mother, and I've accepted it. If I'm the Bad Guy for 'putting' her in Assisted Living (and now Memory Care) to keep her safe & well, then so be it. I accept it. I made a decision long long ago that I would NOT take my parents into my home to live with me, that once was MORE than enough (when I was a kid), and that's THAT.
When she starts carrying on (mostly to my son) that I 'should be' taking her to live with me, I simply tell her that I'm SHOCKED she would even SUGGEST such a thing, given all of her tons of health and mobility issues! That her wheelchair wouldn't even FIT into ONE of my bathrooms, let alone up the steps into my house. That we work all day and nobody would be here to pick her up off the floor after taking one of her many, many, many falls (over 50 that we're aware of to date) and leaving her alone all day would NOT be safe or in her best interest.
Sorry not sorry. Love you mom, but you are where you belong. Moving right along to the next subject........
Guilt is a self imposed emotion that serves no useful purpose. Unless you are trying to 'punish' your mother by having her safe & secure in Assisted Living, I'd let go of the notion that you're deserving of guilt in any way, shape or form.
The next time she lays into you, turn it back on her. "Mum, the way you are behaving right now, affirms that it is not in my best interests to have you in my home. You will receive far more professional and 24/7 care in a facility."
Your profile says that your mother is in Assisted Living, is that the case? It also says she is suffering from depression. Is that being treated?
You are NOT a terrible daughter. Or you and I BOTH are, because my mom resided happily in a nice Independent Living Facility and later a Nursing Home, because her care needs were far beyond my capabilities.
First I need to response to what you have written in your BIO, and that is that "you're a terrible daughter for not wanting to care for your mom in your home." You are NOT a terrible daughter, you are a smart one who knows your limitations, and knows she's better off in someone else's care. There is nothing wrong with that. I've said it many times on this forum, and I'll say it again, NOWHERE is it written that children have to take care of their parents as they age. NOWHERE!!! So while your mom is trying to guilt you into caring for her, you just need to say, because I do love you, I want the very best care for you, and unfortunately that is not with me, so let's together figure out where that may be. Your mom is just afraid of what her future is going to look like and she's taking it out on you. Stay strong and stand your ground. Mom will be just fine where ever she ends up for her care. Best wishes.
"NOWHERE is it written that children have to take care of their parents as they age. NOWHERE!!!"
One exception - those who join this forum and then lay MORE guilt on those like OP looking for reassurance. BUT, that is just THEIR opinion and THEIR prerogative. Just because THEY say so doesn't make it so!!!
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Of course, my grandmother was a very different individual in terms of being an excellent communicator who was very empathetic and appreciative. I am having a much different experience at the moment as my husband and I transition to caregiving for his parents. I am trying my best to emulate my grandmother's compassion, but taking care of someone who never seems to appreciate your efforts is extremely draining, even though the physical level of required care is not as substantial just yet. I am sorry that you are going through this. Thank you for posting - reading through this helped me recognize that it is perfectly OK to set boundaries with my mother-in-law. I do not think I could mentally survive living in the same household with her.
I’m sorry that she is laying on the guilt so strongly. It’s stressful to constantly hear upsetting news.
Tell her that you aren’t a nurse. Its not easy caring for the elderly. I think you are wise for recognizing that you aren’t up to caring for her.
So many of us have tried and have been sorry. You are one step ahead of the game by not attempting to care for her.
Besides you are caring for her by making sure that she is receiving good care by a professional staff.
No I’m just kidding ( 99% of the nights )...but I totally get it as I struggle with the same issue. Some mothers will NEVER be satisfied no matter what, and satisfying them isn’t our job, even though it can take decades to realize we’ve been groomed to try to please them. Sometimes we get more pressure from relatives and staff to ‘be strong’ and ‘ be there’ for our mothers as our moms act lovely to visitors and then crab at us. This pressure can be
Keeping your mom safe in AL and being in charge of her logistics etc.. is MORE than enough! And when conversations with her involve guilt bombs getting thrown in, changing the subject or making a white lie might help. I often try to be cooking while we’re on the phone so my own attention is diverted.
You are more than enough! Huge hug
M
PS Yesterday my mom said she needed a break and only wanted to ‘mooch off of my daughter’, and would bring a sleeping bag since I said I didn’t have room. I totally feel ya.
Do not feel guilty.
I did what I could to try to keep mom in her condo longer, but we never got past 1hr/day aides, who really had nothing to do except check on her, perhaps go buy some milk and juice and check/remind her to take her meds from a timed/locked dispenser. The plan was to increase them if/when needed, but less than 2 mo later, she refused to let them in!
Plan B - find a NICE place, nearer to where I live (her condo was 1.5 hours each way!), manage all the finances, condo until sold, etc and continue to advocate for her, see she's well cared for, cont managing finances, etc. The care they provide is WAY more than I could ever do myself, even if I could hire help. The place and staff is so nice, I've said I would like to live there, if I ever need to give up living in my own place (it's IL/AL/MC.)
Already told my kids, if/when the time comes, find a nice place for me, manage finances, etc for me, MAKE SURE I DON'T GET FAT and visit only if YOU want to visit. Also make sure my kitties find a good home, if I have any left by then...
In my case, I am returning to work to earn a retirement. I have told my mom that I will make sure she is safe and healthy (happiness is the individual's responsibility), but did not guarantee that I would do the caregiving. She probably hears that I will take care of her like she took care of her mom. However, she is satisfied that she will be cared for.
Maybe your mom has expectations of being cared for as earlier generations have done. In reality, your responsibility is to make sure she is healthy and safe... not to keep her in your home and not necessarily to do the caregiving. God bless those folks that are able to do the caregiving.
Thank you!!
One thing I did not do was participate in the actual move to MC. I did all the leg work and prep, and left the move to my 2 brothers. I figured I would get the blame anyway, as I did for taking her car key (YB took it, not me!) Surprisingly not once did she ever dump on me - every time YB was there during the first 9 mo, she would harangue him to take her back to her condo - although I was there, she didn't pester me! Granted it's a little different, as she has dementia. At 9 mo she forgot about her condo, regressing in time back to the previous house (sold 25 years before!)
I also made my decision, no way could I take care of her. She and her sisters took turns caring for my grandmother, but she was easy to care for, didn't have dementia and was gone before they all retired! She could be left alone during the day, if they were working. She was very easy going too. My mother, not so much. Add in full stairs to get in/out of my place and bathrooms too small to handicap, plus having issues with my lower back and her outweighing me by a lot, nope.
You can call, visit, take her out (if possible) and/or bring small gifts/treats, and that shows you care. Given her multiple issues and most likely that you are working, taking her in is not going to work. Most of us are not trained in care, and many still have obligations such as work and/or children/families of our own to care for. It isn't always the best solution to take in a parent or other LO.
So, work on not accepting guilt based on her statements. If she starts on you, and asking her to stop doesn't work, say goodbye and hang up if on the phone, or tell her you will be back when she can stop asking for what can't be done and leave. You have a LOT of support here!
(P.S. there are those on the forum who will attempt to lay more guilt on you. IGNORE THEM!)
would you hire someone who has not been trained to care for people.
would you hire someone who could not cook and clean and so on. Her parents said no. She said, then u don't want me.
If you work, there is no way Mom would like being alone all day. Then u come home to caring for her. She is better where she is. She gets to dine with others. Has activities and entertainment.
Of all my Moms 4 kids, I was the one she could guilt. That changed after years of the only one who was there. My house is not conducive to someone who can't do stairs.
Mom did better in an AL where she could walk around and was able to Socialize.
Get rid of the guilt in your own head, and turn the tables on her. How can you be so unkind to me, mother, when you know that I just can’t do what you want? Do you want me to feel bad? Don’t you care at all about me?
Hit the nail on the head: Guilt is for when you've actually done something wrong! We get so conditioned to feel responsible to our LO's and so everything we do--we wind up feeling guilt, when in fact, there is no right or wrong in many situations--there's only compromise and the 'best effort'.
Somehow my mother tried to make me feel guilty for not 'looking better' while I was txing for cancer. It was SO weird and SO off base, it was actually a wake up call for me.
When she starts in with the guilt (or MIL does with DH, we walk away.)
When she starts carrying on (mostly to my son) that I 'should be' taking her to live with me, I simply tell her that I'm SHOCKED she would even SUGGEST such a thing, given all of her tons of health and mobility issues! That her wheelchair wouldn't even FIT into ONE of my bathrooms, let alone up the steps into my house. That we work all day and nobody would be here to pick her up off the floor after taking one of her many, many, many falls (over 50 that we're aware of to date) and leaving her alone all day would NOT be safe or in her best interest.
Sorry not sorry. Love you mom, but you are where you belong. Moving right along to the next subject........
Guilt is a self imposed emotion that serves no useful purpose. Unless you are trying to 'punish' your mother by having her safe & secure in Assisted Living, I'd let go of the notion that you're deserving of guilt in any way, shape or form.
You are NOT a terrible daughter. Or you and I BOTH are, because my mom resided happily in a nice Independent Living Facility and later a Nursing Home, because her care needs were far beyond my capabilities.
PS, my mother never threw any guilt my way.
You are NOT a terrible daughter, you are a smart one who knows your limitations, and knows she's better off in someone else's care. There is nothing wrong with that. I've said it many times on this forum, and I'll say it again, NOWHERE is it written that children have to take care of their parents as they age. NOWHERE!!! So while your mom is trying to guilt you into caring for her, you just need to say, because I do love you, I want the very best care for you, and unfortunately that is not with me, so let's together figure out where that may be. Your mom is just afraid of what her future is going to look like and she's taking it out on you. Stay strong and stand your ground. Mom will be just fine where ever she ends up for her care. Best wishes.
One exception - those who join this forum and then lay MORE guilt on those like OP looking for reassurance. BUT, that is just THEIR opinion and THEIR prerogative. Just because THEY say so doesn't make it so!!!
How dare she insist that you give up your privacy and ability to live your own life by throwing guilt at you. I am incensed on your behalf.
I wonder if she lived with you if she would moan all day that she was lonely and missed seeing people and having activities?
If I were you, the minute she starts in with the guilt, I would get up and leave.