My father is 77 and I am 51. I’m an only child. My father lives alone in the same house he’s lived in for 50 years. It is NOT a safe environment for any senior - let alone someone like him who had back surgery 3 years ago, walks with a cane, and has a very unstable gate. For most of my life, my father was not a regular dad. My parents divorced when I was 5, and although I saw my dad every weekend until I went into high school, he was barely involved in my life. My father is also an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember. 3 years ago, he underwent back surgery because he went from walking normal to walking wobbly, to not walking at all in a 3 week timeframe. The surgery was successful (he’s not paralyzed) but it definately had a severely negative effect on his quality of life. He has lost confidence, rarely drives, is angry most of the time, and barely does anything. He refuses to accept his physical condition as his new normal but does not do anything to fix it. He won’t try P/T, won’t use a walker, WON’T stop drinking, and is basically a recluse. His memory is spotty which I know makes him nervous but he really doesn’t admit that’s a problem either. Doctors visits are because I force him to go (and take him) but I am usually so embarrassed at his outbursts and rudeness while we’re in the waiting room. He calls me every day several times a day asking if I want to go to lunch - then do I want to go to dinner....then to say basically nothing at all. It's literally become like a life sentence for me. He doesn’t demand that I come down to visit him but he’s soooooo lonely and I feel like I should because he asks every day. I don’t want to push him away but I don’t want to enable the situation either. I’m completely at a loss but this has become my new full time job. I think he looks at me as a friend or a client or something! I don’t even know for sure that he thinks of me as his daughter (who has kids of her own and a life.) I dont know what to do or where to turn.... I can’t imagine my life staying like this. I worry all the time. What should I do?
My father was a raging alcohol almost his entire adult life. He died the day after Christmas 1996, suffering from alcoholism and other related medical issues. He was a Policeman for 30yrs, suspended three times, the guys would put him in the back seat and drive him around for his entire tour of duty. Yet he was decorated three times over the years for heroism saving other citizens lives. He was not willing to do anything to treat his alcoholism. He was also abetted by my stepmother who insisted beer and wine were not alcohol. He made the decision not to do anything to save his own life.
I learned at a very young age from my RN mother that he had to make an effort to save himself. I was also taught that yes, we could pray for him, yes occasionally visit him. The number of times he promised to meet us at the park and watch us ice skate, come to see us play in Little League were innumberable. His final suspension came two days before my high school graduation. Dad didn't show up again. I decided to give him a wide berth and limited the time I visited with him and allowed my children to visit with him. I would call him only two or three times a year, usually he'd be full in the bag and raging. Fortunately for me there was 400 miles separating us.
I encourage you to take the tough love position. He wants to behave like a child, remember he is not your child. Focus on your own husband and children. Give them all the love and attention they need. Let them know when they are old enough to understand, the genetic component of alcoholism and how it could effect them. How it has affected you.
Most importantly, make plans for your senior years. Talk to your children about how you want to be cared for, appoint a DPOA, prepare Medical Directives, Wills, or form a Trust for your property to be distributed from. This will save
a lot of trouble for your children.
We have made all of these plans for my DW and I. I was diagnosed with early onset Dementia/Prob ALZ 2 1/2 years ago. Now, my DW and I are enjoying our lives to the fullest with little to worry about the future. We've made the plans.
Please, I know it is hard, but you and your DH deserve to focus on yourselves and your children. Time is short, don't continue to allow yourselves to be captive, to someone who won't help themselves. Pray for your Dad, I still pray for mine, 22yrs after his death, that is something big you can do, on your own time. I will pray for you and your family's emotional and physical help.
Final comment. We've always told our children, we are your father and mother not your friend. We should all have our own friends and spouses, parents can't be both. They will thank you later. Our adult children have said thank you to us for making that distinction.
God Bless you all.
No time for socializing but for a few mins. We never ate lunch with the residents. I'd have 50 lunches to eat. Some people were friendly and welcoming. A lot were happy to be left to their own devices. They were usually crumbly and annoyed with life.
I did report some things but it fell on deaf ears I think. Or they just notitlfied the family. Most of the elderly I delivered to should have been in AL, where more eyes were upon them for safety reasons.
He would protest, I am sure but the choices have to be made clear, and in writing or much like in that movie 50 Dates, that would repeat the choices to him so that he can't say "he don't remember" what you said or planned. Seriously, drunks are everywhere, and the worst thing any human, bad or good could go through is solitary confinement. Choices or not, you can't expect that an old man is going to have to fall one more time before he is presented with his final choices, good or bad. He has no choice if you took over and set it up so that he was watched via camera for security, letting him know you know he is safe, and also, having other people outside of the family come to help him, to alleviate your burden.