I am not happy about my "new normal" and cringe every time the phone rings or I receive an e-mail from the NH. Just cannot get past the fact that I am the one who handles her finances, personal shopping and all interactions with nurses, social workers, activities coordinators, dieticians, etc. when in fact I would rather not. I have read everyone's advice and implemented many helpful strategies found here, but I still feel used and abused by my mother. I have spent many years in therapy (although not lately) and have read many books, articles and on-line blogs to understand how to best love with boundaries. I was feeling very positive and content with physical and emotional distance from her until she was forced out of independent living after 2 falls and Covid. My father divorced her many years ago, my only sibling does not want anything to do with her except for holidays and other relatives/friends are no longer in the picture. She is nasty with the staff and makes unreasonable demands even though she is on Medicaid but wants to be the "Queen Bee" and act like she has all the money in the world for frivolous spending. I understand that she is grieving over the loss of independence and is suffering from many chronic conditions. However, she did not take care of herself having been a smoker, overweight and out of shape. Am I the only one who feels that all the wounds from the past are ripped open each time she lies, manipulates and puts me down?
I took in her personal toiletries, right there next to her bed, but for some reason the aides did not use it. They used what they provided. They have toothpaste and lotions. She has a Personal needs account where a small amount of money (in my State $50) is placed in the acct monthly. This can be used on haircuts, snacks, sodas whatever she needs. If you buy her something with your money, you can be reimbursed from the acct. It has to be spent because it effects the 2k in assets (amount maybe different in your state) she is allowed. Its counted as an asset. If you want, you can put xrtra money into the acct.
I allowed the NH to become payee of Moms SS and pension. I figured if there was any problems with either after Mom passed (like pulling back payments too soon, which happens) the NH would have to deal with that. Ask the financial office for the form allowing them to become payee.
Since Mom is only allowed about 2k in assets, what other expenses does she incur? Medicare is her primary and Medicaid secondary so should have no other health insurance. You should NOT have any out of pocket expenses. If Mom does not have the money, then she does not have the money.
You should need no interaction with anyone now Mom has been there 15 months. Time to tell them to handle things themselves. Unless its an emergency, you really no longer need input. POA does not mean you have to constantly be involved or run Moms errands. If they are having problems with Mom then they need to handle it. Tell them you need to back away. I give you permission to do this.😊
You are the compassionate child. The one who wants to make everything right. The one who is trying to find love from a person who can't give it. She doesn't know how. And you don't deserve the abuse she hands out. She has lost friends and family because of how she treated them. Her heath is the way it is because she didn't take care of herself. This is not your fault. You can't fix it.
Your profile says nothing about Dementia being involved. You may want to tell Mom that you are going no contact. You no longer will take the abuse she dishes out. She is on her own so she better be nice to the staff because they do more for the nice residents. That the NH can take care of her basic needs. Then you talk to the Director of Nursing. Tell her you want no more calls unless its an emergency. That Mom is competent enough to express what she wants and doesn't want. She has been there 15 months so they should understand why u need to back off. If you receive any calls from them, other than an emergency thank them for the call but that you have asked that other than for an emergency, you were not to get calls. Its now between them and Mom.
You can block Mom. Call her when you feel like it. As soon as she gets started tell her you are hanging up and hang up. If you don't want to visit DON'T. She has brought this on herself.
1) You don’t have to visit. You don’t need to witness the ‘Queen Bee’ act, the nastiness or the unreasonable demands.
2) She is on Medicaid, so the NH takes most of her money and keeps her small amount of spending money in a trust account that she can ask for. That isn’t enough for ‘frivolous spending’. The NH can’t give her what isn’t in the trust fund. She shouldn’t have finances that you need to handle at all.
3) She needs very little in the way of purchases. Her clothes will take a long time to wear out, her creams etc should last for ages. The NH will have some residents who have no family left at all, and they will have a ‘personal shopping’ system for buying what is needed. Ask about it.
4) You can cut right back on interaction with ‘nurses, social workers, activities coordinators, dieticians’ and anyone else involved in her care. You give them permission to make their own best decisions, without your involvement. They probably think that they are doing you a favour by keeping you in the loop – they aren’t! Once again, remember that some residents have no family left at all, and this is what happens for them. The staff can deal with the ‘nastiness’, and you don’t need to be an intermediary or to apologise for bad behavior.
5) You can limit involvement, and the information that comes to you, to serious emergencies.
If you look at this list, don’t feel guilty if you decide to go along with all of it. However you can pick and choose what you will do, and what you won’t do. You can also change your mind as you see how things work out. You may find that getting rid of some of the stresses means that you can keep a ‘decent’ amount of involvement without going around the bend.
Best wishes, and I hope this helps!
After 2 years of being the sole carer during lockdown, I got to October last year and I was having very dark thoughts, despite having a loving marriage of 35 yrs, 4 beautiful grown children, grandchildren, a fulfilling career and a comfortable home, etc. I was overwhelmed at the thought of being solely responsible as POA, which Mum took pains to tell everyone I’d tricked her into signing! My brother has been out of the picture for a while - he came back briefly when I was moving mum into extra care housing to help. And he really did help, but he was rewarded with her full on victriol, so has retreated again. I realise his absence was self- protection.
The best thing that ever happened to me was that my desperation reached such a bad place that I finally sought counselling. I began in January and already have made such strides in coming to understand the dynamics. My counsellor has helped me to work through the sadness and grief of a mother who wasn’t able to meet my child’s needs. I’m actually in a place now where I can have empathy for her, set some boundaries to make it possible to take care of her without it being at the expense of my own mental health. I’ve also realised that her behaviour has nothing to do with me and is a result of multiple childhood traumas she suffered - a coping strategy, which has devastated her life, as well as mine.
Consider, if you can, seeking professional support. It has changed my life for the better and I’m able to care for my Mum as I wanted to, with professional carers, whilst still being able to take care of myself.
Good luck. Take care of yourself. You matter!
You also do not need to act as her POA or advocate.
If you walked away, she would still be cared for and if she needed an advocate the nursing home would involve DHHS and they would do an emergency petition that would make her a ward of the state and she would have a court appointed guardian to act in the capacity you are now, without the history.
I don't usually think walking away is a good idea but, I know there are people that can destroy you if you don't protect yourself. Only you can decide if you can walk away and be okay with it.
You could still visit, if you chose to.
You matter and your well-being matters. Don't let her need to abuse you cause you to lose that.
It took me DECADES to make peace with the fact that although her tragic condition resulted from my birth, I wasn’t “complicit” in its cause.
She truly did what she was able to do, but only because her 4 younger sisters were a part of my early years was I able to access a fairly normal adulthood.
I know the path you walk, and I will tell you that you MUST divorce YOURSELF from “…the wounds from the past…” to free yourself from the treadmill of her destruction.
Your description of your current life suggests that you are still in an emotional “push-pull” with your mother, and SHE won’t put the rope down, so for your welfare, YOU MUST.
I know this, because I lived your life until I was in my middle 20s.
NOTHING you have written about your mother’s current life is intertwined in YOUR life.
You didn’t make her the woman she is. Caring for her is an onerous occupation, but what she is or why she’s who she is now is not part of YOUR PRESENT.
Make your contributions to her management a “mitzvah” - the gift that you freely give, and expect nothing back. It took me YEARS to perfect my ability to do this, but it can be a wonderful release when and if you do.
YOU are worth the effort it takes. Reward yourself, tangibly or otherwise, for each task you feel obliged to perform. Cut your actions toward her to essentials, NOTHING that is “extra”. You have observed that she is not ABLE to accept your kindness and generosity, so STOP OFFERING IT.
Seek the help of others to do the basics.
Last, and probably at this point, MOST IMPORTANT, you must give yourself 100% permission to IGNORE her lies, slights, and insults. Her caregivers ignore her, and couldn’t care less what pretensions and actions they observe from her. Your welfare needs you to adopt the same policy.
It is a difficult life being the child of a parent who is unable to express the gentler loving feelings that we all crave, but you can become a good parent to yourself.
I did. Come back to the Forum when you need a renewed dose of resolve. You can expect to receive it here.
Sometimes distant nieces or great second cousins or whoeverer are asked to be POA, as the only viable family member.
They may choose what level of involvement - from frequent visitor to completely hands-off in the background.
They may outsource many tasks to accountant, law firm, or geriatric care manager.
Someone can then be authorised to authorise any purchases the NH may request for your Mother eg haircuts, more clothing, new shoes.
You could choose to be completely non involved. Think about what feels right for you.