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At some point sooner or later, MIL will cease her life here on this earth and I will have to pretend to be saddened by her passing. I will have to be worth of an Oscar, though, because I will not be saddened at all.


She was admitted to the hospital two days ago with what they "think is a kidney stone", but they haven't decided even yet what to do about it. She has diabetes and her sugar readings are always high lately, even on consistent medications and insulin. She is refusing to eat at the hospital and is very, very weak now. She hasn't kept any food down since early last Saturday.


I've had two days now of complete relaxation and it feels great. They can keep her there for a month and I would appreciate it a lot. My house is quiet with the oxygen concentrator turned off and the oscillating fan turned off, her TV turned off. Things seem normal again for a few minutes.

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I'm guessing and I could be wrong, but I suspect that you will continue to mourn what you've probably mourned all along. I would be sad not to have had a mother in law as a loving, nurturing part of my life. Some people have that, and others don't. You apparently not only didn't have it, you had the added burden of taking care of her.

You don't owe anyone an oscar performance. Keep your responses dignified, for your sake. Grieve the loss you've always experienced and which is over now. No faked responses are needed.
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I can feel your pain. I can still see the scares on my body that my mother put on me
as a child. I can remember the nights I was thrown into the cellar 3 and 4 days without food. Now I have to visit her in a nursing home. I have to deal with
forgiveness because it is for me not her. She could care less. Thank God for this forum. Let the healing process began funnierthanme
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Why would fake anyway arent you human too?? thats one thing you shouldnt do is fake cause god knows if you have no grief dont chum some up apparently she is not ur favor person cause grief comes from the heart of a person thats feels it and if you dnt feel it don't fake it god dnt like ugly be urself
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Is it possible that you have already grieved just seeing her deline?
I know i have been grieving for my mom for years and she is living with me.
Maybe you are just burnt out
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Never fake anything. Just be there for the family and move on.
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Everyone grieves differently. I didn't see any tears from my Mother for her husband of 33 years when he passed. It has been 4 years now and only maybe once have I seen her cry about him being gone. I love my mother and I grieve about daily for her. I don't know if I will be grieving when she passes. When my Dad passed I did not grieve. I am sorry, but he was so mean to me in life that I was relieved when he passed. I forgive him, but I don't have him constantly reminding me how great he is and how I am not what he wanted me to be. Whatever that was, he was not willing to contribute to it. All in all, I find that I am good enough because of what my Jesus did for me. I am what I am supposed to be. Sometimes, we just need it all to stop. But, that doesn't happen the way we want. We have to find more patience. Yes, we need breaks now and then. We need help. We need guidance. Thank God for this site!
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Dear, I feel like Im reading my own comments after reading yours. I know EXACTLY how you feel as I am in the same situation. Eerily to a tee. Your MIL isn't named Mary is she? lol But I know the absolute frustration you feel with your situation. The only thing I do is make sure I do something for myself every day. Which usually involves my computer. If I didnt have an outlet, I would have been gone a long time ago. Hang in there kiddo. Things will get better for you. If you have had this kind of patience for this long, you are a saint. So we should pat ourselves on the back for hangin in there!!!! Good luck to you!!!
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You don't have to fake grief. Many people have feelings like you have. You've had a very difficult time caring for a woman who you may not have been that close with. You've been grieving a long time over your "lost life." Now, you will get some of that life back. Just remain dignified and kind. You don't have to fake tears or real grief. You can rightful think and say, "At least she is done suffering" if a response is necessary. Take care of yourself,
Carol
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We sent her to the ER Monday because she was ill with a UTI and vomiting and back pain. They believe she has a kidney stone, but they don't know what to do with her yet. She is getting weaker and weaker. Each visit my husband makes, he calls and lets me know how she is. I expect the calls and I want them, not to know that she is getting better, but to know that she isn't. She will be 93 in November. My grandson, I have babysat for since he was 11 days old, came to spend the day Tuesday and said "Yea, it's the best day ever! We don't have to hear her call you away from us and we can go outside if we want to". He does care for her, but he doesn't like spending all of his spare time visiting a "nursing home" . That's what people call our house now. They see the drug store delivering medication and medical supplies all the time and the ambulance coming and going with her several times. When they come to visit, they hear her call me out of the room to hers. She wants to know who is here and what they want even if she doesn't know them. My husband thinks we should bring her in the living room, but then we would have to bring the potty in also. That would not be dignified. So we don't, because we would never get her back into the bedroom in time to get her on it if she needed to go to it.

I guess I am burned out. Maybe I was a long time ago, though. You can't unburn paper. Can you fix burnout in caregivers? My husband had bought two pygmy goats to help graze a hill and I thought they were the best stress relievers I had ever had, but now his dog won't stop barking at them. Now there's some stress that I can't live with. I want to jerk that dog's vocal cords out!
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If you have no grief and glad to be in a quiet house then I feel you need to STOP being the caregiver...A total stranger could give her more caring feelings, come on people, you will be there sooner than you know
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Don't fake grief if there isn't any, I know how you feel, when my stepfather died, I had no grief, as he was not a good bad in my eyes , will not go into details but lets say did aweful things to me, my mother said to me why no tears didn't you love him, down came the tears but for her not him, later many years I told her the truth and she understands and is ok with it now, I will never understand how she could love him and still grieves for him 15 years later but that is not for me to know, just feel the way you feel, lots of prayers and hugs
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Don't feel like you need to put on a show for people. If anyone gives you criticism remind them that you spent every day dealing with her decline while that person got on with their lives.
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Jan, nice to read such an honest post. Bless you for all you have done. The break you are getting is well deserved and necessary for your mental/physical health. I don't see anything wrong with not feeling grief. You have gone above and beyond. Blessings and take care.
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Never "fake" something you don't feel. As stated above - just be quiet, kind, and dignified. We will be there with you -
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Don't let anyone force you to fake grief. Better to honor the best parts of life by remembering good times. I grieved for someone when he changed from a wonderful man into a selfish demanding invalid who managed to destroy my financial security, to fall in love with a staff member at his SNF and to tell me I'm old and unattractive., to tell people I'm having an affair, that I hallucinate, and other lies. I am kind to him now only because I honor the person he once was. When he passes from life I wonder if I will need to grieve again- doubt it - I do hope I can reach back into the past and honor his memory by focusing on the happy years.
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I commend you and the love you feel for your husband, having agreed to taking on this burden all this time. It's difficult enough having a person of 93 living with you, even if healthy. I am not sure if you have siblings or anyone who can pitch in, but I agree with the poster who said maybe it's time for her to be taken care of in a round the clock facility, for the sake of your own health, sanity and marriage, particularly that it seems now her health is more on the decline than before and will probably require even more steady care. I disagree with the part, however, that said she can get better care from a stranger. DON'T JUDGE until you walk in someone else's shoes. Not everyone has the financial resources to hire people to come in for more than a routine visit, but hopefully she can qualify for a facility somewhere nearby that can take on her medical needs. (And for goodness' sake, no one is going to be "checking" to see if you are wringing your hands and crying furiously at her funeral! LOL)
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Funnierthanme...I don't think it makes you a bad person to feel the way you do, in fact, I'm in awe of people like you who move an elderly parent into their homes and commit to their care. You are saints on earth in my opinion. Truly. Its one of the kindest, most selfless things you could ever do. My parents live in their own home and I go to them. It will be this way until they need to go into a NH. Am I a bad person? I don't think so. I know what I can and can't do though. When my parents pass away, I'll be one of those people who say "her suffering is over now" or "he lived a long life". I won't be wringing my hands and crying either. I wish I could be though. It would have been nice to have had so much feeling for them, but that wasn't in the cards, and we do the best we can. I'm kind to my parents and I keep my obligations and I try to put some humor into the goings on at their house, and they appreciate that and they look forward to seeing me, and that's all I can do - do the best I can with a smile, even a forced one! You've cared for your mil in your home, and that's your contribution, and its a huge one. You don't need to contribute tears too.
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She may rally. Don't let her come back into your house from the hospital. It's time for a nursing home (probably has been for awhile). You really sound like you're at the end of your rope. You've done more than enough. You deserve a life. And (to the other commenter), yes - some of us MAY wind up having a long, torturous slide to our deaths (though we'd all prefer to die in our sleep long before that!). That doesn't mean that we all want to drag our families down the slope with us.
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In California if a person on medicare goes into the hospital and stays their for three days or more they can be put in a nursing home for 21 days and medicare will pay for it they can then go home and if they get sick again after two months and go back to th hospital for three days they can go back to the nursing home this will give you almost a month break good luck to you and may God bless
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Does your husband's culture expect an outpouring of grief?
In western culture, appropriate behavior would be to dress conservatively,
behave reservedly, speak well -- or not at all -- of the dead, and interact
with others quietly and respectfully.
Death is a natural part of life; believing otherwise is certainly unrealistic!
Some religions & culture celebrate a loved one's passing to a better, higher,
or more evolved state.
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i know when my mother dies the only thing i will be mourning is the fact that i never had a real mother. i doubt i will have tears either, but i won't defend their absence. let people believe that you are either stoic, or in shock. you have nothing you need say. it's none of their business.
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I agree with the respondents who say that you've been grieving all along. The day it hits you that the woman you once knew is no longer here is the day you begin to grieve. My friend's mother-in-law developed Alzheimers. Her husband's culture expects children to care for their aging parents. As a devoted wife she took on the responsibility along with her sister-in-law of splitting time to care for her MIL while still holding down her job. Months later it became overwhelming for both women and the MIL was admitted to a nursing home. Also, despite her devotion her husband's family, she also began to resent her husband's minimal involvement because it was HIS mother, not hers. She continued to visit her MIL regularly at the nursing home. In this country, we are conditioned, partly because of science, to hold on to life as long as possible. What about the quality of life? And what about the quality of YOUR life? Under such stress, will you live to be in your 90's? Please don't think that I am being insensitive, but the only people who can judge are those who have walked in your shoes. If your conscience is clear that you have done the best you can, then leave it in God's hands. He is preparing a better place for your MIL than anyone here ever could. You can transition to celebrate your MIL's life while she was here.
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You do not have to grieve. Just be respectful. Even if you were saddened, there is no need for display. When my brother died, my Mom was almost a hostess at the funeral home. She worried about everyone else, as she always did. She had lost her son and her heart was broken and she was never the same again. But to "viewers" she was not sad enough. Really? Don't worry about how you look. You will feel sad for your husband's loss and that will be genuine.
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Cry tears of relief that it is finally over. That is what i plan to do when i am through with the caregiving. Then everyone will think that you are saddened by her passing.
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I am sorry you feel this way. I will tell you I have got an incredible mother in law and I would do anything for her but not everyone has that. I feel blessed by my in-laws. Anyway, I am concerned about your MIL and her kidney stone, my mother has been in the hospital since June 12, she had a staghorn kidney stone and it had abcessed her kidney to the point it had made her septic. Her body was being poisoned. My mother is 82, we ended up having to make the decision to have that kidney removed. Mom did great during the surgery her recovery was rough. She would have already been home if not for the hospital messing up, yes they messed up. They gave her too much xanax in a short period of time and her lungs stopped working completely. We are on a ventilator at this time with the hope of coming off in the next day or so. All her vitals are good. these stones are very painful and make a person very sick I pray I can take my mom home soon. That being said your MIL is very sick and I find it sad that you feel the way you do. And before anyone starts bashing me for saying this remember what my poor mother has been through a lot and emotions are high but I have seen first hand what a kidney stone can do to a person. Just think about it, we will all be there someday.
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you know we all have our feelings of mother in laws no one is the same. so i dnt think anyone will bash we just have different feelings....some have experience different hardship with ML'S than others you know us daughter in laws always gets the short end of the stick some kinda of way and i maybe the same when my sons get merried but one thing is for sure we all need to respect them no matter how they treat us...because we are merried to their sons and some sons will go bats for there mom.. i have heard the old saying "your my wife now but she will always be my mom" so i have been on both sides but i never treated either one of ML"s laws different..i treated them with respect
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It sounds like you are just relieved to have a little privacy and some space without her there. I think you are just being a normal human being. When my dad died I literally got down on my knees and thanked God. I was relieved that his pain and constant trips to the hospital were over. I was also relieved because the strife was over for my immediate family. We grieved but, I didn't cry. The last year was rough. I was solemn and that was it. I miss my Dad but, I don't miss the painful, stressful end for him and my family. It's just so hard at the end when there is illness and difficulty. I know my Dad didn't want us to be in such flux but, that was the way it was. He's now at peace.
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I've been greiving for the past 2 yrs for my Dear Parents drastic physical and mental decline, I think I will not grieve hard at their passing because I am doing it now but who knows, I will certainly miss them but thankful for the life they once enjoyed but then for their peaceful rest. My Sister passed in Nov, to her choosing we were not close, I grieved over her 40 years ago, I'm 51 now. At her Memorial Svc I cried for what we didn't have...a friendship....we only shared kinship. Heres the big BUT!! But I remained sensitive and dignified in for sake of my Family and friends and my own morality! I didn't know who the attendees were speaking so kink of loving of...I didn't know my Sister like what they were saying. ( I kept looking at the Obit which I helped write and wondered...who was this lady that was such a "loving friend"? I will not say any disparaging words but my peace...is my peace not faking necessary.
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I don't think anyone here believes in throwing people away - I think this is supposed to be a safe place to vent. I think its understandable that people have their limits and not every old person can be loved and revered when there may be a history there that prevents that. Not everyone can be as self righteous, saintly and loving as you, terri. And, I don't think for one minute funnierthanme's husband needs your pity. Sheesh. This woman needs to vent. She doesn't need to be preached to as to how rotten of a person she is when you don't even know her.
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terrimerritts, take you sanctimonious attitude right on out of here and STUFF IT.

you don't have anything nice to say, so get out.
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