For example, for me some things don't matter as much as they used to, verses what I now prioritize as "mattering". By the way, I put this in the Mental health topic section. I'm not sure if this is the correct one to put this question in. Also I'd like to thank people on this forum as I have read other people's questions and answers and have found comfort in knowing things and how to deal with certain things thanks to the users on here, you're all amazing! :)
Wisdom I've acquired along the way caring for both of my in-laws and dealing with my FIL who now has moderate dementia:
1. When you start losing sleep, night after night, stop and listen to your body. This is your body's way of telling you that something is wrong and it's time for a change. Sleep deprivation is no joke. Protect your sleep.
2. Do not make promises over which you have no control. The only promise I will ever make to my FIL is that I will help do what is best for him. Right now that means assisted living.
3. Never take on the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority to do so. That means having *durable* power of attorney both medical and financial, which is effective the moment it is signed.
4. Do not put your own financial wellbeing/retirement at risk because of caregiving.
5. Do not put your marriage and/or children at risk because of caregiving.
6. Own your decisions. No one forces you to do anything. Everything is a choice. Think carefully about your choices and the decisions you make for yourself, for your spouse, for your children, for your job, etc.
7. You cannot reason with a broken brain.
8. You matter.
Read a wonderful essay by Ann Patchett recently, telling of her acquaintance with a man who helps the homeless, the addicts, etc. He told her "I'm here to love them, not to fix them."
What I have learned through all of this, is to not retire and put my feet up and sit in front of the tv with NO hobbies. It literally sucked the life out of both my parents. They are/were not adventurous, did not vacation, or even do trips within the state they live in just to get away for a day. It has also taught me to have my life in order before my brain starts going. Make sure I have a trust/will setup earlier in life, make sure, I have a life plan for myself, and have end of life plans all intact. Also, be positive in life and never lose my sense of adventure that both my husband and I have. I feel like my parents just sat at home waiting to die. Super depressing! There is SO much more to life as you age, get out there and explore it as long as you can mentally and physically handle it.
My husband and I are 61 and 58. We have plans for our future. I have learned mostly through this forum not to give up those dreams because my mom is never satisfied. Tomorrow isn’t promised. Anything can happen. I still want to do my best by mom, but I’m not giving up my life and future for it.
I still find myself getting wrapped up in my father's issues. My cousin who was helping, tells me that their first priority are their father's, which I understand. There is no other family but we both have some support amongst friends, neighbor's, etc., and some money. They've told me I'm 100% on my own, wouldn't even go 5 miles and 10 minutes out of the way to help me recently. And her brother was a bleep-head to me the last time we talked.
My father sucked away a lot of my life the last few years. Today he remembers nothing of the games, the resistance, the refusal to change, when he quit, the stuff that he engaged in the last 6 years and all he can say is "I didn't know I was such a bad guy and I don't understand".
I asked his best friend about things and he said, "6 years ago, he could have understood you, today, he just can't".
But he's not the one doing it, it's me. I keep trying to fix him, get him to live, and all I'm doing is throwing the remnants of my life at his.
A friend of mine says, "everyone loses their S*** at cancer". Yes we do! We also do it at living, dying, and everything else related to being here.
The question is has all of this given me any new found wisdom? Honestly, no. Maybe try to stop changing the things I can't change but I already knew that.
Would I change things? Well, yes, I'd get an X-Ray / Scan, as many as needed until they found the super-rare lung cancer that I have, much earlier. I'd have checked in at Stanford rather than "the local idiots who wouldn't figure it out" (not my words). But really, I don't know what I could have done.
He was my father, I wanted him to live, not die, and I tried to do that for him because I love him.
Exactly what I want for myself and I'm pretty sure, still, what he'd want for me.
Oh gosh, I’m afraid to say that I was an extremely slow learner and was a very naive person when it came to caregiving. I had to learn things the hard way!
Mom instantly became homeless when she lost her home in hurricane Katrina. I felt so terrible for her. All I wanted to do was comfort her, so I invited her to live with us. In the beginning it was manageable. Later on it became more challenging.
I wish that I would have realized a couple of things. One, to educate myself on the progression of Parkinson’s disease and two, to have realized that I didn’t have to do the hands on care myself.
When my children said to me, “Mom, when you grow old, we will care for you like you did for grandma.” I told them, ‘Like hell you will. I want you to live your own lives.’
I look back and wonder if my ego got in the way. Sometimes, we feel that we can give our family members the best care. This isn’t reality though, because we can’t provide the care that a professional staff can. So, while my intentions were good, they weren’t realistic.
slow learner here as well . But when I finally did learn to say “ No” , I still could not get elderly family to understand that they needed to accept care from hired help .
We are on 3rd and 4th person with same stubbornness as the first two .
It comes to a point when they have no quality of life , it makes you just wish they would pass because it’s so hard to watch them be so miserable when they have declined so much as well as be dirty on top of it because they refuse help .
Eliminate toxic people from my life, I am entitled to live in peace and harmony, and I will claim that right.
Getting old is not for wimps.
Life is short, make it count.
A crucible. I don't know what is to be learned from what I saw other than there is a system that doesn't care when it comes to the old. Yet will not give us a pill to make an easy final exit.
All b/c one old woman with an outsized sense of entitlement WANTS what she wants--and her kids supply it.
If it weren't my own family, I wouldn't believe this could have gotten this bad.
I will NOT do this to my kids. If that's my only takeaway from 2023, it's a good one.
To try to prepare as best I can for my old age , and definitely not to impose on my children by living with them.
Try to minimize any impact my being old has on my own children .
It can be difficult though , unexpected things happen . The brain can go haywire with dementia. My biggest fear is that I will lose insight and will be uncooperative . I want to be that pleasant cooperative old lady .
I learned I was capable of more than I thought I was.
These are all lessons I could well have lived without, quite honestly. I think that caregiving is dreadfully hard. As a nurse I always knew I could never do it 24/7 hands-on and survive it. I cannot imagine how people do. It will not so much "teach them the wisdom of patience" as it will "wear them down into being unable to react".
It isn't something I recommend for wisdom, whatever that wisdom thing is.
There was only the least bad choice among several. That gave me some peace and perspective.