Has anyone found a devastating secret from elderly parents concerning finances?

It almost feels to me like the dad gave Abby the papers to shred so that she WOULD find them.

I'm not sure I understand why, if your parents are well off enough to be able to give your brother 6 figure gifts, you are contemplating becoming unpaid hands on caregivers. There is clearly enough money to fund private care. Believe me, you'll be busy enough "managing" their care.

I know there are some folks who will say that this is heartless or mercenary way of looking at things. I would caution you that when you are knee deep in excrement, your resentment of your brother's 200K and your parents' betrayal is going to rankle in a way that is not good for the heart or the soul.

there is one in every family! My parents have financially supported my brother for the majority of his adult life. I think he’s worked maybe 2 years in his life (he is 36!). They pay for his gas, car insurance, cigarettes and he lives with them for free. He hasn’t worked in over 10 years! And everything in their trust is going to be split 50/50 between us. The only reason I don’t have a problem with that is because our parents are 70, my mom has COPD and other issues and he will eventually be the one taking care of them. Otherwise I would probably be resentful that he’s gotten a free ride his whole life and he still gets half of whatever is left when they are gone.

My MIL gave quite a few gifts to my BIL and SIL, and she didn’t tell anyone. Her former partner is a blabbermouth so....we all found out lol.
she paid for my SIL to go to college, paid for my BIL to go to the police academy ($5k down the toilet, he applied for 1 job, didn’t get hired and Decided not to be a cop) then she paid for him to go to mechanic school. Bought both of them cars outright, SILs was $15k, BILs was $20k. . Gave BIL $6k to pay some bills once. Took out a home equity loan and gave my SIL $90k to put down on a house. Was supposed to be an investment, it was a starter home and SIL was to pay her back years down the road when she sold the house. That was almost 15 years ago and SIL owns the house still (been rented out almost the entire time) and MIL has passed so SIL doesn’t have to repay her debt. Then after SIL and her husband had to short-sale her husband’s house (well their house, but he bought it before he met her), and they wanted to buy another house but needed a ton of cash to put down plus multiple co-signers so MIL co-signed and gave SIL something like $30k to put down. Money had not been paid back by the time MIL died last year. She took my FIL to court for back child support around 2003 and won. His checks were garnished and when he was between jobs he went into arrears. So when he filed his taxes in 2010, the child support dept intercepted his tax return and gave it to MIL, it was around $2k. She gifted it to my BIL. Oh and when my SIL bought her house, the first one, MIL bought her living room furniture, vacuum, and stocked the kitchen with food!

You might be wondering what she gave my husband or did for him over the years. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Never co-signed on anything. Never bought him a car. He paid his own education expenses. Saved his own down payment for his first place. Bought his own furniture. And that’s ok because he’s the most responsible of the 3 and he can say he did everything on his own and bought it all himself. She was never as generous with him. He started working at 15 and bought his first car. His siblings didn’t have to go to work in high school. Don’t know about BIL but she bought SIL a brand new car in high school her senior year, SIL got a part time Kobe and paid for 1/3 of it, MIL paid 2/3 of it. The way the family dynamics were, she always made sure BIL and SIL didn’t go without. My husband had to fend for himself.

Anyway, she DID acknowledge, when she had to get her affairs in order last year, that she had done a lot for his siblings so she gave him her car. It was only a year old, a $34,000 car and we are incredibly grateful for that.

Abby, you said it is not about the money, but the betrayal? Well...isn't it sort of betrayal that your Dad gave you personal papers to shred and you went through them?
I am just saying....
Is it really worth it to bring it up? You truly do not know their reasoning about the matter. They obviously did not want you and your sister to be hurt by the act, but they had their reasons for doing what they did. You still have your parents, relish that fact. Many would trade all the money in the world to have their parents back.
There is no betrayal. It was their money to do with as they pleased. You are hurt because you did not know about it. But, really it was their business, alone.

I feel your anger and frustration, but like Midkid58 stated this is so very common that one child is favour over the others.

My OB was/is my mothers favorite. When my dad passed away (2014) and I moved in (a few yrs later) with her to help her with the house and I also realize that something was not right with her. I found out that she wasn't paying most of the house bills, plus, she was 2.5 yrs behind on the taxes on the house. If that wasn't bad enough she racked up huge amount in credit cards all for the love of my brother. He doesn't work because he is disabled, but I notice that he was wearing 300.00 dollar shoes that she bought. She was spending money she didn't have and here is the cherry on the cake...he was taking my dads tools among other things and pawning them. My mother almost loss the house and my wonderful brother thinks it is my fault. I finally told my brother he was not welcome at the house anymore.

Here is the thing...You can't win. If you and sis attack parents about what they (your parents) gave your OB they will get defensive and I am afraid that it will cause hard feelings all round. However, if you bring it up as a "matter of fact" about what is their financial plan for long term care you "might" get some answers, but I must warn you--you may not like what you hear.

You have to ask yourself what is your objective in telling your parents that you know about them giving your OB that money? What is your end game? I am not sure if it will help you or them! Your parents will just probably make up excuses or tell you that it is none of your business. And I hate to say it, but it is their money and they can do what they want to with it, on the other hand, you have the right to let them deal with the consequences as well!

It totally sucks to be the responsible and caregiver child and to never be appreciated and it never fails that our parents look to us to save them not the one they favour:(

Assuming dad is mentally with it, I would confront him - with the pain of his and mom's unfairness and for sure I would talk seriously about their financial future.  I'd make it very clear that you and your sister have been and are willing to help them, but they cannot expect them to finance their favoritism.  I decided to let the favoritism go, because I knew I could not change anything, but the consequences were estrangement from them. Better if I had spoken up frankly, whether it brought change or not.

My father has always favored one of my brothers and bailed him out financially. I’ve learned to live with it. My dad is a good man and father in many other ways, but has always had blinders on where brother is concerned. As far as you letting your parents know what you’ve discovered, you need to decide what you can live with. If you can be at peace with what’s happened, then let it go. If you can’t, then talk to them about it, ask how they plan to make it right especially in light of the fact that you’re there willing to help and brother isn’t. Please recognize that your help isn’t required here, you’re under no obligation to help your parents stay in their home, or do anything to facilitate their lives. Any help from you should come only as a choice because it’s in your heart to do it

I know someone who is paying off his father’s credit cards after his death. It’s very sad. His father racked up tons on debt due to his fierce gambling habit. His dad borrowed tons of money off his cards. It has taken the son a lot of time to pay it back.

Sadly, this is all too common, one child is favored above all others for reasons we never understand.

Mother adored my OB, although he was a waste of space, if you ask me. He wanted for nothing. He didn't have to help out at the house with housework and yardwork b/c he was "a genius" and needed his study time.

He talked my folks into 2nd mortgaging their home to help him start a business which failed epically and quickly. We didn't realize how much he'd taken until it came time to sell the house and holy moly--they should have walked away with $250K and all they got was about $50K. The rest of us sibs have had to step up and help them out from time to time.

I get your anger. TOTALLY OK to feel that way. For me, the part about "don't tell the girls" is the most hurtful.

We did confront mother and dad...simply b/c there was not the money there to pay for the addition to brother's house to add an apartment. The rest of us sibs had to pitch in all the time to help out. YB almost lost his home.

Only you can decide how to approach this. Are mom and dad mentally OK? IF so, then get together (strength in numbers!) and have a frank talk with the folks. They need to STOP the bleed immediately. And brother needs to know. I hope he isn't their POA...

Was this money a GIFT or a LOAN? What do you hope to achieve by airing this dirty laundry? We all pretty much wrote OB off--he was so crazy along with being a mooch. I hadn't talked to him for 12 years when he died. He was not welcome at family parties and not welcome in our homes (he actually would got through our drawers and such, looking for things he could pawn.)

If this money is needed for mom & dad's care, then you probably should consult with an attorney. Honestly, I imagine mom and dad are going to say it was a gift and nothing can be done.

Your brother sounds like a jerk, put mildly.

Why do you and your sister thinks it's a good idea to be hands on caregivers to your parents?

Are you going to be compensated for your time and labor?