Since my mom broke her hip and is in assisted living my dad wants to pare down the house since she is an organized hoarder and is very difficult to deal with when getting rid of anything. Their safe is on the floor and hard for them to access so I got them a portable one that can be put in a drawer or storage chest. My dad gave me a bagful of paperwork to be shredded which I took home since it was easier for me. Knowing mom’s history of hiding things I went through everything to make sure I wasn’t throwing away anything important. Bad idea. I came across various paperwork that proved my sister’s and my suspicions. Over time they have given my brother close to 200,000 with instructions not to “ tell the girls.” We never imagined it totaled that large amount of money. We are crushed. In addition, my sister and I have been helping them so they can stay in their home. My brother does NOTHING.....other than to load up his trucks with things that he wants. My parents estate is not huge, but comfortable. However, it will only last a couple years should long term care become necessary. They are 89 and 90. Ironically I have POA.
Question is should we approach them or let it be? Damage has been done but it truly hurts to know one child is so favored. He had a good job and his wife worked, just had a bad habit of living above his means. Yet me and my sister will be the caregivers moving forward. I’m not sure if I will be able to put this aside and pretend as if nothing happened. Has anyone else experienced favoritism and how did you deal with it?
People that do the things he has done, don't care about anyone but themselves and their latest flavor of the month.
You need to open a new acct. with your parents, and have your name on checks (and keep the checkbook.) One or both can watch you pay, check your work, whatever it takes, but as POA you have to get started.
Nothing separates people more often than "money matters" so remember it's "family that matters" and move on. You'll be glad you did years to come.
I don’t know how all of this will resolve itself but you have shown that you have intelligence and very responsible. I have faith in you. You are the voice of reason. You know that.
My three sisters and I had no idea what was going on. If we had known, we might have been able to intervene by having Dad declared incompetent and have a conservator appointed to handle parents' finances. Dad died at age 72 and left nothing to care for my disabled mother. She has lived 30 years since his death. My older sister took over her care. Mom had just Social Security and a small teacher's pension to pay for elder daycare (my sister was employed) and the expenses associated with the care of a severely disabled senior.
My brother has not visited Mom even once since Dad's death. He calls my sister often asking for a "cash advance" on his future inheritance. He does not accept that all of my parents' money is gone and there is no inheritance. He accuses my sister of squandering their money when, in reality, my sister has spent all her own retirement fund caring for Mom.
Mom has been in a nursing home the past two years with Medicaid and Medicare footing the bill. She is 94 and we are on death vigil. My brother is waiting at a distance for his inheritance. He believes Dad left everything to him, the only son. Imagine his disappointment when he realizes there isn't a single penny for him to inherit.
You are obviously a very strong person.....and have gone above and beyond. Hopefully, soon you will find the peace you so well deserve.
Best to you, op. I hope you stay with us. I periodically have to take a break.
Mom was pissed because at the time she had an opportunity to buy a home she had been renting when I was still in school and living at home and they wouldn't help. I love mom with all my heart but she hadn't spoken to grandma in about ten years after an affair was found out and would only talk to my grandpa. The grandparents had worked things out and Grandpa had begged her to forgive grandma. She was stubborn and wouldn't. So I didn't get to have the Christmas dinner with my grandparents etc. Which she would just brush off. I had to go around her and my aunt's back to see them. My uncle who is the youngest had had several failed rehabs but had come to a point that he was homeless and hustling for his drugs. He had even stole from his parents on several occasions. The sisters knew about this. None of them would ever think about helping him because they said he had been given more opportunities than they got growing up.
Its not a happy ending. Uncle went to rehab and was clean and working for a while but relapsed shortly after and whithin a year he over dosed and died.
The sisters were sad but their underlying attitude was he got what he got because he was a bad person. They never talked about him after that until they found out just how much money he had "borrowed".
He was my favorite uncle when I was growing up. I knew he had problems but he was kind and genuine. He just couldn't beat his addictions. The fact that my grandparents had to sneak around to help him broke my heart. When mom and her sisters through such a fit about it pissed me off.
Im not saying this is anywhere close to your situation but some of the other posters may have had something similar.
I just tried to point out that some of us have experienced it from the other side.
I’m so sorry to hear about your uncle...I had a favorite uncle myself growing up and alcohol was his demise. My Nana was devastated .....yet everyone else trashed him. I only saw him as a good man and loved him dearly. Families......joined by love and separated by heartache.
My parents were 70 at the time....my brother was 35.