Since my mom broke her hip and is in assisted living my dad wants to pare down the house since she is an organized hoarder and is very difficult to deal with when getting rid of anything. Their safe is on the floor and hard for them to access so I got them a portable one that can be put in a drawer or storage chest. My dad gave me a bagful of paperwork to be shredded which I took home since it was easier for me. Knowing mom’s history of hiding things I went through everything to make sure I wasn’t throwing away anything important. Bad idea. I came across various paperwork that proved my sister’s and my suspicions. Over time they have given my brother close to 200,000 with instructions not to “ tell the girls.” We never imagined it totaled that large amount of money. We are crushed. In addition, my sister and I have been helping them so they can stay in their home. My brother does NOTHING.....other than to load up his trucks with things that he wants. My parents estate is not huge, but comfortable. However, it will only last a couple years should long term care become necessary. They are 89 and 90. Ironically I have POA.
Question is should we approach them or let it be? Damage has been done but it truly hurts to know one child is so favored. He had a good job and his wife worked, just had a bad habit of living above his means. Yet me and my sister will be the caregivers moving forward. I’m not sure if I will be able to put this aside and pretend as if nothing happened. Has anyone else experienced favoritism and how did you deal with it?
Your mother is entitled to have her own opinion and her own wishes about how her own life runs. What she is not entitled to do is decide what you and your sister do.
So: if maintaining them in their home becomes too much for the two of you to manage within your own comfort zones, your parents will have to accept and pay for additional services. If that becomes financially impractical, they will then have to move on to other options. But at no time will either of them be entitled to impose their wishes on you two in a way that forces you to make sacrifices you do not choose to make.
It's that key dividing line that's the issue: what decisions are whose to make.
As to brother - if gifting becomes a question you'll have to confront him about it. That grandchildren's trust needs a good hard look. But apart from clear cut points like this, what is there to gain from giving him much thought?
You can do this with your parents' consent very easily, and if you put it to them tactfully why wouldn't they agree? Without it, it's a no. DPOA does not overrule your parents' instructions unless/til they are legally incompetent; and if it's a "springing" one not until it's "sprung." Get some leaflets and show them how it works, I should - no reason it should trouble them.
As long as you do mean "monitor." Of course. Not "control."
It is a form of power of attorney that lies in wait in your filing cabinet until your parent loses his marbles, to use the technical term, at which point it springs - or rather you spring - into action. It is Durable in the sense that its authority continues after the time when the principal has lost the ability to create a power of attorney.
Over here they're called Lasting, and used to be called Enduring, POAs; but they work the same way. What seems to vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction is what you have to do to put the thing into operation when you judge it's become necessary. Your family lawyer, or whoever helped set up your POA, should be able to tell you.
Right. What it sounds like is that you have two prickly private parents. I don't argue with their wish for privacy, that's fine as far as it goes. But it stops being fine when they then require you to take responsibility.
They cannot have it both ways. To do what THEY are asking you to do, i.e. to support and as far as possible act on their wishes, in their best interests, you also have to be trusted with complete information.
I too would love to bestow blessings without limit on my descendants. Who wouldn't? But the time is coming when everything has to be laid out, thought through, and organised; so that their resources are matched as far as possible to their own priorities.
Forum members are very good at suggesting what species of professional you might like to get on board to help with the various aspects of planning, so I hope someone will come along and tell you where to look. Don't forget: you don't need your parents' permission to take advice.
Some banks will accept your DPOA and some won’t.
We’ve had a few posters who really had a hard time with this with certain banks. It seems the bank has their own form they wanted signed and parents not able to sign.
Some posters have opened online accounts in order to pay their parents bills when the parents were incapacitated in one way or another. This didn’t require the parent to be involved and your DPOA may give you authority. You need to read it.
The simplest thing would be to take dad to the bank and have him put your name on the account. The simplest but maybe not the easiest.
Dad may not be willing to act without your mom’s approval. When there has been an event like your mom’s hip surgery, a parent can see the need to have things in order. It’s a good time ( aside from the secrets) to dust off the DPOA and give it a good read.
Also, please know that depending on your parents competency status, your parents can change their POA.
Its not unheard of for another sibling to get a parent to change the DPOA. So if mom gets upset and calls out for brother, there is that to consider.
You might want to seek the counsel of a NAELA or CELA certified elder attorney to guide you through this. A long trusted family attorney may or may not know what it takes to protect your parents access to Medicaid should that ever be an issue.
Who is the executor of their wills?
.... this is something you may want to say in passing to your parents so maybe they will think twice the next time your brother thinks your parents are his personal ATM machine.
I'm wondering how afraid your parents might be of jeopardising their relationship with these grandchildren if they don't keep the harem sweet through these subsidies.
There are two ways round to look at this: as your parents' bribing their DILs, or as the DILs blackmailing your parents, or maybe a bit of both, or - most likely - none of the parties intends anything of the kind but it just sort of emerges from circumstances.
Trouble is, your parents are going to need that money. Hmmmmm.
I doubt DIL is bribing for the subsidies.....but rather my brother. He claims he can’t afford his child support so my parents step in.....but regardless, for Medicaid lookback I’m afraid there might be ramifications.
I hope you get it sorted out. Why is is always complicated when it could be so much easier? We as children are always looking out for our parent’s welfare but we end up causing ourselves so much additional stress in our lives. We have a computer in our home. My mom insists on everything being done like it was back in her day. She would never allow me to do anything electronically. She won’t even get a debit card. Still writes checks for everything! Pain in the butt!
The 25 year old should be past needing too much regular help, no? What's s/he up to?
The 16 year old it's reasonable to see as an ongoing commitment for 5 years. Any idea what his/her plans are?
Not that they're your problem! But these are the sort of questions your parents need to consider. They can't continue as is, that's for certain.
What you want first of all is full disclosure. You NEED to know ALL the facts, from five years back up to now and as far forward as possible.
Don't charge in there with a demand that they cease all payments to your brother. In fact, do not allow any comment on your brother to pass your lips for the time being. You *know* that this is going to be a delicate and emotional issue that will require deft handling over time. Do not give them an ultimatum you may regret.
What I did find out in the interim is that my father took out a loan for $28k so my brother could buy a new Jeep for his wife..... and wondering how this will play in with the look back?
As to your parents, let them know you love them and that you'll be placing them in a smaller home (NH/AL) and putting them into therapy for what they've become. Favoritism sucks and your parents need to know and understand the ramifications of their mistakes.
In this situation, and since your parents are financially comfortable, a certified Geriatric Care Manager working with an eldercare attorney would seem like a reasonable plan. Your parents need to hear that they are being bled dry from professionals, not from you.
I think that your holding POA without full disclosure is nuts. Let dad know that you will not be caring for mom, but will arrange for care at home or in a facility.
Thanks for the advice :)
"What I did find out in the interim is that my father took out a loan for $28k so my brother could buy a new Jeep for his wife..... and wondering how this will play in with the look back?"
When?
Never mind the lookback just for a moment. I'd be more concerned about the smell of coercion and abuse.
Let it go, God will Guide you in the end, dear...You will be Rewarded with More than Money, Honey.....Wings and Things...
I say this as I am in a similar situation as you. On the upside, at least you know where the money went. At least it stayed in your family.
I have DPOA for my mother. My alcoholic Mom has throw away much money over the years. We will never know where most of it went. She came to a point where she could no longer could afford her home. After she told me of the 2 mortgages and several credit cards, there was little alternative except to recommend she allow me to ready her home for sale (my cost 36K)and sell the home. She repaid my cost after the sale and paid off the CC's. She then moved into an apartment my husband and I built for her in our home.
As it is our family's custom to care for the elderly of our lineage for the remainder of their days, and not pass the burden to the taxpayer, mom 'gifts' us the tax-free amount as allowed by law, which in her case is about 1/4th of her income. The rest she is free to spend as she chooses, often on her 4 great-grandkids.
You were chosen as POA for a reason, YOU are the responsible adult and can be trusted to make wise decisions for them when they are no longer capable. Wherever the chips fall, it would be wrong of you to 'threaten' to withdraw from the POA. Offer your guidance without threat. As you are the trusted 'adult' now need your help more than ever.
As far as POA goes.....I want to monitor their finances since the time has come they can no longer be reckless with their money. If they want my help, I need cooperation.
At least your mom has learned the hard way and is rectifying her mistakes.....she is “gifting” equally and spending remainder on her grandchildren. The way my parents have behaved you would think my brother was an only child and they had only one set grandchildren.
I’m glad things worked our for you with mom’s finances. My attitude at this point is if they need/want my help now, things have to change.
I’m truly sorry for the pain inflicted on you because someone close deceived you. I honestly think the deception is what hurts the most.
“Why?” for your own edification. Because if you out live them you’ll never know the real reason, and what you assume may be totally wrong. My parent is no longer able to explain to me the justification for an amazing amount of favoritism. I now wonder if my parent even thought of it as favoritism. I wish I had just asked; “Why?” Now I’ll never know. On another note, it is their money and what they do with it is their right. So whatever you do, don’t be accusatory, but rather ask for clarification. Good luck.
They want their money to be saved to be divided equally amongst you, your sister AND YOUR BROTHER????
It's hard to have a crystal ball, but do you think they can last 5 years in their current living situation (at home)? If so, I would tell your father that you and your sister want $200,000 each NOW to make up for this gross favoritism. That leaves your sister's and your children without money your brother's kids got, but I'm not sure that part can be fixed.
And once that is done, resign as POA (and your sister can't be POA, either). Your parents' future caregiving needs will not be your concern. After the way they have treated your sister and you, they deserve some consequences.
Then to walk away and hope they can continue to stay in their home for 5 years at this stage of things is dreaming.
Frankly, if my daughter said that to me, I would write her out of the will.
All of this large money was decades ago, it was theirs to do what they pleased, as much as it hurts OP, it didn't effect her until she found out. That says it all.
I wouldn't be free caregiving so they have more money when they die to leave deadbeat son. I would get a care contract in place and get paid for my time and expenses.
What they did with their own money has been one thing. Your father's taking on this *debt* for your brother's benefit shifts the whole issue into a different league.
What kind of POA did they give you (it's for both of them, one each, is it?) and when?
Keep calm. But get busy looking for that experienced attorney - unless you already have one you have confidence in?
My brother and I talk about once a week....his main concern is that I have POA.
Rest assured when my brother received the most substantial windfall.....It was not because of any particular need. He had a well paying job, and just bought a new house where the bulk of the money went towards.