Since beginning my caregiver journey, I have noticed that I’m not excited about things I love anymore. I have learned to set boundaries and put myself first but the damage has already been done. I’m in counseling but can’t afford to go weekly which would really benefit me. I’m just reaching out to see if anyone else is experiencing this?
I also got extensive counseling.
I find any of the things I liked to do now don’t keep my attention.
I lack the interest to do any fun activities that require effort.
I have been a caregiver for most of my adult life . Now I am 66 years old and still caregiver for my 90 year old mom . My husband is 73 has mild cognitive impairment along with severe hearing loss .
I can no longer recover from my exhaustion . I have a short fuse and like you have lost interest in most things . I set boundaries and have the time to relax however I know I will never be free of this caretaking role .
I have read books on care giving and I have attended support groups and hired help . I am just plain tired no matter what .
Sounds whinny but most people who aren't long term caregivers are clueless to the toll it has on us .
All I can do is keep putting one foot in front of other and keep being grateful for my many other blessings ,
Although it is becoming physically difficult for me and am unable to get away without costing thousands of dollars, I maintain as much of a social life as possible.
My mother died last month and after caring for her and my father who died 4 years ago, I have been struggling to figure out what I might enjoy. It’s been 15 years since I started driving them to appointments and checking in with them regularly. My father’s dementia continued to progress and they both started falling regularly. Before that, and during that, I raised 3 children. I haven’t had time to myself for so long that I don’t even know what I’m interested in. Anxiety and depression have plagued me for years, but are beginning to lessen.
Anyway, to answer your question, FB, yes. Yes, I know how you feel.
So sorry that you are experiencing this. Maybe you’re taking on too much from the person. Our energetic bodies take on stuff that we may not be aware of. My suggestion is to do some grounding exercise, walking on the grass in bare feet is good. Deep breathing and yoga (stretching).
Whatever spiritual journey your on while have an effect. I for one am a Christian and rely on God for strength and also have been given knowledge to help others and myself. It’s not an easy journey. In fact my Mom who is 83 and may be getting dementia is actually teaching me patience not only with her but myself. Also a reminder to take better care of myself. Because what good are you if you don’t take good care of yourself? You won’t be much to anybody else. But I agree I have not been into my art as much and this note from you resonated with me. So I feel that I can incorporate my art someway with my mom when she is feeling better on days she’s not in pain. It’s tricky management, but with prayer and consistency you will reap what you've sown. God bless you .
Your comment has left me near tears. I am a retired teacher with an 86 year-old husband suffering with dementia. He is not as far along as yours but is progressing. I find myself filled with dread for the future. Sending a prayer for you as you slug this out.
I moved from OH to IL to care for him, as he has nobody else that will and/or can. I left two daughters and four grandkids there. The youngest are just 5&8.
My brother is now 74, I'm now 65. He is literally twice my size. I already had torn rotator cuff, then in Dec I tripped over his bed frame, broke my hip, had three screws put in, and was only in hospital about 24hrs. STILL doing everything for my brother. Then he was sitting in the wheelchair so he could work at desk. Couldn't get up. So...bad shoulder, bad hip to get him up. Now my knee is bad, too.
He will not get any help in. He pays me, but it doesn't make up for the job he was adamant I quit.
Laundry all too often. He wears pull ups, but uses condom catheters, which I have to put on and they have a tendency to come off.
I feel totally depressed, stressed, and wonder if I'll ever be able to move back home while I can still enjoy family.
Sorry this is so long.
She passed 2 weeks ago. DH has slept 5 of the days since, literally does not get out of bed at all. He has things to do, he's the executor and he's dragging his feet on that--but the worst part is that he takes all uncomfortable emotions and segues them into anger. Directed at me. So I can share his depression? Thank you, no.
Yesterday the stuff hit the fan. He was supposed to go help move the furniture out of the ALF apartment and mil's home. He was gone less than an hour, came back home and laid in his recliner for hours. I was going insane, knowing his sibs were doing all this work and he was nowhere to be found. I finally asked him if he was going to get up and accomplish something--and he just blew up at me. I don't cry easily, but I did shed a few tears. I left. Wrote him a note saying that I was simply going to get away from him, for his sake. I was gone all day long.
When I got home at 9 pm, he met me at the door "where have you been all day". I replied "places". And I did not want to talk to him or look at him.
Kind of shot myself in the foot, since I was angry and hurt and I couldn't sleep. So I read all night and finally fell asleep about 5 am.
He's still in bed and it's close on noon. Looks like today will be another 'day of sleep'.
I truly do not know if he is ever going to come back to being anything close to 'himself'. He does nothing but watch TV and scroll on his phone.
Desperately needs therapy and a different antidepressant. I am trying to be sensitive to his anger, sadness and pain--but we he simply shouts at me, he knows that will shut me down.
We all know that in a marriage, one person's emotions influence the others. I'm struggling to keep my head above water.
I know that he is going through a lot of emotion, this mother was not a nice person and not a nice mother. He took nothing from her house, except a brooch that he had given her 50 years ago. I'm trying to be patient, but it's been years of dealing with his mom and her demands. It's going to take time to heal him, if he ever does.
CG in the home, in this case, was absolutely the stupidest/worst idea these 'kids' had. All 3 of them are suffering. Maybe when the inheritance checks start rolling in they will feel better-I've heard that can happen.
As uncomfortable as it may seem at first , it’s important to force yourself “back into life”. I had to learn to start slow with resuming maybe one or two familiar activities. My advice to you would be to force yourself to get out. Set boundaries to create balance so you too can enjoy life.
You have described my situation too. I wish you could meet me for coffee and we could talk about all this together! One positive thing I get from your message, and that is that you say you wouldn't have anyone else care for your husband. That is such evidence of love and you need to remind yourself of this every day. Many people would resent the responsibility and push the care of a oved one off on someone else. I miss so many things we used to do to have fun, traveling, exploring ... so that nowadays, just going by myself to the grocery store is an "outing", a change of pace. Don't give up on yourself - take that former mental passion and come up with small ways to keep loving your husband and yourself ... a kiss on the forehead, making him a special treat ... just keep on plugging away and remind yourself that this is one of the most valuable things a person can do with her life - giving so completely to another. Sorry to sound so sappy - but you can do this! Sincerely and with love. :-)
I am “sandwiched” between raising my 12-year daughter & caregiver to my now 92-year mother. Plus I work a full time job. I feel like I’m taking care of two children. My husband helps with our daughter mostly. My life revolves around taking care of my mother, my child, full time job….. My employer was flexible to allow me to work from home 3-days.
My mother's caregiving came unexpectedly 2-years ago. She was an independent fiesty 90-year old, living alone & driving. Sadly heart event changed all our lives overnight. My mother has moved into our home to be cared for. Sadly my other sibling is retired, lives nearby & is NOT involved with our mother’s care. She “don’t want to do this & want to enjoy her retirement.” Thus, caregiving fell completely on me with support of my husband & daughter. It’s been an adjustment for all.
I’ve been so stressed with it all that I see a therapist/counselor weekly to help me cope. Now, I will start To vent to a stranger is helpful. My close girlfriends could not understand as they did not have that experience with their mothers. It became entertaining to them to hear as my mother is not nice at times to me. Slowly I drifted away from my friends as I felt not supported, encouraged, nor relatable. I’ve found the invites to get together are less due to “caring for my mom”.
I found through researching local & state senior care etc that I can get caregiver support. There is respite care through local & state agencies including support with an aide, help with errands for my mother, caregiver support etc.
Seek out the local Area Agency on Aging or Council on Aging. Seek out your State Department on Aging. Also look into Department of Social Services - Family and Social Services section for Adult Services or Seniors.
My “me-time” has turned into hair appointment & nails. I alternate weeks for these services so I get something done weekly. It’s my 1-2hours of “me-time”. Now I was not one for fancy nails. The lady saw how tired & down I always look. She asked can she give me a nail design to make me smile. For winter she did a snowman & snowflakes. Well, it made me smile. Even a conversation starter when in stores. It now turned into my happy time. Just a little something has made me smile. Now, I look forward to nail-time. ☺️. Also, long drives listening to music helps. It’s not something I use to do. It’s a new thing I do. So find your new something to do.
I’m in the EXACT SAME SITUATION
and it feels like it’s depleted who I am😞