Since beginning my caregiver journey, I have noticed that I’m not excited about things I love anymore. I have learned to set boundaries and put myself first but the damage has already been done. I’m in counseling but can’t afford to go weekly which would really benefit me. I’m just reaching out to see if anyone else is experiencing this?
I went to a GFS house one day, she showed me something she made. I was so jealous, that other people can find time to do things for themselves and I can't. So I made a promise to myself to make that time.
Sometimes I stop for a while go backwards, kick myself and start again finding time for myself
Much of the time I don't even want to , until I push myself for a while. Then when I do I'm always glad I did. I think of it as part of my mental health. Last winter I taught myself how to knitt. Well I got one scarf done. But all it took was inexpensive knitting needles and yarn and YouTube.
So absolutely find something you enjoy, that is just for you, even a long bubble bath, even if you have no interest, do it anyways and see if the Interest comes back.
Good luck.
I will definitely have to make myself start doing things I use to enjoy before I lose my mind. I have several books to read but lately, I can’t focus.
We can’t do this job alone. We need help, either from an agency or a facility.
There is one lady who helps out but she also has another job. I’m searching for other help. I looked at myself in the mirror and I don’t even look the same. My eating habits are terrible because I often “stress eat” which has caused weight gain. Most agencies are very expensive but something is going to have to be done.
My life was a living hell when I was living with my mother and being her caregiver. In fact, I was at a point where I had given up on myself and became a totally different person. Even less than a shell of the person I was. Now mind you I did caregiving as work for 25 years and it was well enough, but being back home and dealing with my mother who truly needed help and it wasn't her hypochondria and other mental illnesses, all but destroyed me.
I had isolated myself from my friends and family. Her negativity, instigating, gaslighting, verbal abuse, manipulation, berating and belitting on a daily basis stripped me bare of all the things that made me myself and I gave up.
I was able to drag myself out of that hole with the help of my ex-husband, my son, and a lot of hard work on my part. Everyone needs help though.
Its awful! Between the trauma from my childhood and now having to be there for him when he wasn’t there for me is almost unbearable. The latest thing is that he won’t always wear a pull-up because he doesn’t want to and it causes me to have to change the linens on his bed several times per week at times and dealing with soiled clothes. If it were not for this forum and a few good friends and a family member, I couldn’t make it
This made my anxiety just hit the top. Think of one of those circus games, where you are given a big mallet and you try to pound the little stomper so that the arrow climbs up and rings the bell. That bell was chiming for me all the time. My nervous energy was completely to the fore. I don't know, even four years after his death, whether it has ever returned to normal. I do know I am much more, now, aware of how easily I can become anxious.
As to whether this has caused me to take less delight in the things that delight me? No, not really, and perhaps the opposite is the case. I now look on the relief of reading, of gardening, or walking on the beach looking at rocks, of a good podcast or movie, a great take and bake pizza as real "godsends" (if you will for this non-believer). I treasure those things that can bring me relief from anxiety. I recognize more the beauty in life, the fragility, and am more than ever intent on not wasting, not recognizing my good luck in being alive NOW, in this my country.
Just my personal perspective, Faithful. I hope you will seek out joy. Make yourself journal perhaps? Decorate it with collage. Bring in what is good. Savor it. My crow tarot card today talked of "perspective". Of how to look at something. I have been looking at a bit of a spot of bother, myself, and have been doing the "oh woe is me" thing. But looked at another way, it is a spot of bother I hopefully found before it became a puddle, a pond, a deluge. And I have skilled and kind people on my side.
Try looking at all this as a learning experience. I think myself, having watched your journey, you have come a way! Right? Give yourself a pat on the back.
I do journal a lot and I love gardening. When the weather is warmer, being able to work in the yard will help and I refuse to let anything interfere with that. I’m also handling all the bills which is even more stress trying to keep up with due dates for his and mine. You are right.. I’ve come a long way. It is largely due to this forum!!
The stress alone has changed me and I am no spring chicken either, age 76. My nasty mother is in her 99th year, no dementia, just not a nice person. Stepmother in MC, age 86 and can live for many years yet.
Never dreamed that this would be my "Golden Years"!
When people made the comment to my mom that she would live to be 100, she would say, “I certainly hope that I don’t!” She was ready to die long before she did at age 95. Parkinson’s disease is brutal in the latter stages. Mom’s brother also had Parkinson’s disease and he lived until he was 96.
My great aunts all lived into their late 90’s, surprisingly in good health.
As well as my cousin who recently died at age 101! Her body finally gave out. No walker, no wheelchair, she was a tiny little spitfire! The woman drove and went to her high school reunion up until she was 100 years old! She was invited to attend class reunions as the oldest former student.
I don’t think that I want to live as long as many of the women in my family.
I also kind of resent the people who said call me anytime and then fell off the face of the earth. I really couldn’t use the help they were offering because they can’t do hands on with mom’s toileting issues. But just a text once in a while saying they’re thinking of me would be nice.
I’m so tired all the time that I don’t have the desire or the energy for the things I used to enjoy. Im going to look into getting some help.
Maybe it’s possible for you to do the same.
I truly wish you the best. Please take care of yourself.
I'm seeing a therapist but at my doctor's appointment, I'm going to talk to her about other options because this is tough and I'm tired of feeling this way because of someone else.
How are you doing these days? What is the latest news regarding your mom?
It’s odd to find yourself completely numb to the outside world.
Sometimes caregivers become so isolated that they don’t appreciate that there is a huge world out there that they don’t even see.
It does stink when you don’t want to do or have no time to do what you enjoy .
I used to love to read . I still struggle . It’s like I have ADD now even though my caregiving right now is done until my MIL falls or somethlng , which is any day now . 🙄😬. I seem to go from one thing to another without finishing anything .
As you may have seen on another thread, a couple of weeks ago, but DH had a catastrophic internal bleed after minor surgery. In the aftermath, I realized that I was not doing as well as I thought I was.
I went to see my regular doc last week (he was also seeing DH) and he asked how my "nerves" were. I told him I felt like a violin string that had been tightened to the breaking point. I startle easily. I'm irritable.
After a week's reflection and two long talks with my therapist, I've decided to go back on my old AD medication, which has served me well in the past.
I would strongly urge you to consider medication as part of the "tool kit" to treat depression.
I'm going to talk to my doctor. I hate that I have lost the 'joy" in me. I want to have all the fun I can have before it is too late. I just feel and look awful.
I hadn't realized how severely the stress of CG for his mom had affected him. He was (well, still is) very, very depressed.
But the night after the funeral, as we sat around with all of our kids and the men began planning a very epic golf weekend on some premier courses--he came to life! He CAN go for a week for a golfing trip with his favorite guys! Seeing and hearing him be enthusiastic about something was like music to my ears. I hope he spends a lot of money and eats too much and has the greatest time.
He's been so depressed for so long, I am not sure he will understand how great joy can feel. He was a dutiful son and brother and that is almost all over now. He is the executor for his mom's estate, but it's going to be fairly easy.
The last year, all he did was care for his mom, run to her house every time she fell (frequently!) and try to deal with her ever changing moods and demands. Yes, he did get some golfing in, but hanging over any and all activities were his mother's needs.
I have great hopes for him to be able to move on and find the funny, nice guy I married underneath all the FOG.
When my Ex crashed and burned from an apparent mini-stroke, it all stopped. I had to quit my new job, lost my Council seat by 700 votes (after getting 6,000). I was overwhelmed with helping him clean up his hoarded condo, to get it sold. My house and garage are now filled with his junk, and he doesn't lift a finger around here. To get him into a VA home, I had to arrange and drive him to numerous doctor appts, make calls, fill out forms and cook and do dishes constantly.
I miss my musician friends and their concerts. I miss working on videos, doing photos and side jobs. I'm stuck inside my now cluttered home and hate it. Every time I tried to get away a few days, I never could.
I used to be so excited about being invited to so many events, dressing up and being basically a local celebrity. Now I'm old and tired. I'm never happy about much anymore. I pretend to be happy as the VA stalls and drags out housing a Vietnam Combat Veteran with no siblings or family left. I've been at this 2 years in December, and I get so depressed I can't even think.
I'm doing a Trust to make sure nobody ever gets stuck being a caregiver for me.
I’m going on 9+ years as a caregiver of my husband who was originally diagnosed with A.D., but was later diagnosed with Lewy Bodies Dementia, because he was kicked out of a clinical study for not having enough amyloid plaque, (long story).
Before his first diagnosis, I walked regularly, sang in a choir, rode a bike, quilted, gardened and loved all these
activities. Long story short he destroyed
my bike (after paying for a tuneup),
I found I no longer felt comfortable leaving him at night for choir practice, gardening with him has become mostly impossible because even though in his demented mind he is gardening guru, he has lost any memory of how to plant and care for a garden. (He’d never read what any given plant needed, I was the reader/facilitator), dementia hasn’t helped this.
The only thing that remains is quilting, and often I’m too tired to do this, or I’m too distracted monitoring his endless hours of crazy behavior.
So no, you’re not alone. I’m sure a therapist would say this is a form of depression. It’s so easy for therapists and well meaning family members to
say get out, take care of yourself. The nuts and bolts of actually being able to
do that is a lot tougher, especially in this post-Covid world where a lot caregiver relief programs have evaporated.
I have no easy answers. Best of luck to you.
Life is so narrow I feel like the fence I walk on is falling apart. I hope for some relief soon.
Everyone hang in there, I wish and pray the best for all caregivers who need more help. It is always needed. We do get the feeling it is easier to leave us with the burden because we care so much. But we need people too.
Beverly
Caregiver
Going on 6 years giving care for my spouse, I see it as various forms of depression as reality slowly sets in.
I would tell you there are free state agencies to get help, but I'm not one to give advice since I never took it from others. One of these days..
Try googling: 'your state' sponsored depression counseling, and see what comes back. Cheers...
This is the worst: the utter isolation of what once used to be one's social support. We NEED our friends (and even our less close social contacts) more than ever, but we increasingly micro-manage who to call when/what for not to run the risk to overburden and lose them, so we remain silent.
That ist the worst: the silence in which we sacrifice all that ever has been meaningful to us as an individual human being, and to comply with society rules that expects us caregivers to do exactly this: suffering in silence and not spoil the good mood people enjoy before IT might hits them as well. What a cruel hypocrisy! What a charade!
Sometimes I felt like a soldier, not being able to share my experiences with anyone apart from fellow veterans who also have been on the frontline of a war conveniently hidden from the public.
The thing is that if we caregivers do not speak up in public nothing will ever change in our youth-obsessed, living in denial of aging, frailty and death society.
Dear Pkayeb, your friends that you are afraid to call too often might be the next ones to find themselves in the hamster wheel of caregiving, desperately longing for an understanding soul to vent to.
Please do not isolate yourself, thinking you are a burden to them. You are managing a heroic task against all odds without any hope for victory but the clear outlook of certain defeat (death of your LOs), simply for the reason of love and compassion, so please be proud of yourself.
Hugs!