How do you handle the hurt of dealing with a selfish, uncaring and greedy sibling?

You can't change sis, and if she won't call, let God handle it. You make Mom happy. If she wants to talk to sis, dial the number for her and then go outside, do not listen to the conversation. If mom is happy after the call, good. If sis makes mom unhappy, do not connect them again. As far as outside lies, third party reports are usually designed to stir up trouble. Ignore them, do not let outsiders try to destroy your family, because they love the "he said she said" grapevine rumor mill poison. Deal with each relative on their own actions.

In reading other blogs, I agree with pstegman - you cant change sis - I work full time - when I am not at work I am at home taking care of Mom - I moved in with her. My brother-in-law takes care of my Mom while I am at work. My sister doesn't work - Once in a while she covers for my brother-in-law since he does work.- I have no idea what my sister does with herself all day - it seems to be a secret. Oh, but she is definitely interested in having the family trust reviewed by an attorney (Daddy died 8 years ago). Yes, there does seem to be one in every family. When mom asked if she could stay at her house during the week while I'm at work my sister said - no - it would be too stressful for her to have Mom at her house. Even though my sister has never worked and has a live-in housekeeper/cook, my Mom was at my sisters house almost every day taking care of my sisters children (for the last 14 years) before Mom became ill.

pstegman - I didn't post that I do dial the phone for my mother so she can talk to my sister and her friends. I make sure she connects and then leave so she can enjoy a the conversation in private. I have noticed that after talking to my sister she is in a horrible mood for the next few days. I never ask but deep down I know mom is just acting out from the conversation. I had thought to not dial the calls to my sister, but felt guilty for thinking it. Now I feel a little less guilty if I will only dial my sister for mom when mom makes the request.

Brenda63 - My sister also contacted my mother's attorney (a family friend for decades) to have my mothers accounts audited. I was fine with this, as I should always be, since I keep excellent records and also have ALL the records for what we have spent out of our own funds for my mother including the groceries etc. That was when my sister started to cut off her contact. She had it from the attorney that we were basicly supporting mom for all her needs including meds at $500 a month that are not covered by her Insurance. The poor attorney was horrified with my sister, especially when she suggested that my sister should help more financially since she does not help in any other ways. The attorney kept telling me that she was sorry we were going through this and was told by my sister that she didn't owe anyone any support in anyway. However the attorney confessed that she was not surprised since she has known us since we were both infants, and watched us both grow up. I found that so sad.

Sounds like you have answered your own question...the answer would appear to be "with a good attorney, good record-keeping, and a 10 foot pole."

Rather be Fishing - Just saw your answer - Excuse me for my confusion.

My mother just came out of stent surgery, my sister set it up , went to the hospital, during the surgery and drove her to hospital, that was at 6 am. My brother also went up there. they are not really dealing with my mother or really doing anything, my mother was under anasthesia, and completely knockedout and disoriented untill 6pm, my brother left at 12pm, my sister left at 2pm, i watched my mother go thru the shakes for 4hours, the nurses told me it was her body withdrawing from the anasthesia, she was shaking so hard the bed was rattling. I stayed untill 9 PM , she could not eat, she could not get the nurses to respond to her call bell, she was in a nightmere and all my brother and sister said is she is alright, you make a big deal out of everything, they left while she was still out cold. I was the only child out of 5 who went to see her the day before the surgery, and I spent 3 days with her after the surgery because my sister went on vacation, and I have no idea what my other 3 brothers are doing, and my nieces lied to my mother ,and said they were going out of town, they live across the street from me, I can see the car. My sister paid my mother $ 1.00 and hour to watch her kids while my sister made $60,000. and my brotherinlaw made $90,0000.,they borrowed $20,000. from my father to put down on the house and they rolled $40,000. from there condo into the house, and the house was tiny and only cost $90,000. It gets worse my sister had the audacity to complain to my father that my mother was eating all her coldcuts, and my father was buying her groceries, my sisters groceries! my parents were divorced and my mother was living on $658. a month, my sister brags all the time about how big her stock portfolio is , I do not understand why I am the only one to see how selfish and greedy my sister is. People thinks she is a darling, I think she is evil incarnate.I wish my mother and brothers would see her for what she is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a brother who is a self-made billionaire and he is the greediest person one can ever imagine. Not only greedy but excessively selfish as well. He defrauded our mother out of her half of their partnership when he was just 25 years old by threatening to not be her son anymore if she didn’t rescind the contract. He has restricted his own family’s spending to the point where his wife feels resentful of anyone that even asks for financial help. He is extremely envious of siblings in any successes they may have and revels in any of their failures. He barely helps to financially support our parents and brags about it, yet his annual contribution equals about $50 of my household’s income as a percentage of his income and he still wants siblings to do more! He threatened to put my mom on welfare recently and he reconsidered when she said he’d better not dare do that. He is devious, cunning, and shameful in all aspects of business and personal life and I am ashamed of him. His attitude and behavior towards his parents and siblings is atrocious and has destroyed our family.

In March this year he was in a horrific car accident that nearly took his life. He is now a paraplegic. During his lengthy recovery, his heart softened and he reached out to family and several siblings visited him. Just last week he offered our very ill and elderly mom financial help because she needs part-time care, then he revoked the offer. I was so furious I called him and asked why. He avoided the question and then said he wanted more contribution from other siblings. I told him I was ashamed and embarrassed of him. On Tuesday I sent him a text message and told him not to use money to wield power and control over people, especially family. I think he was tired of the pestering and gave in as he called my mom that evening and said he would pay the care-giver directly. Good luck with everything, this situation is immensely frustrating and heart-breaking.

I have a similar situation. I still sometimes feel resentful but I just don't interact with my sibling. If Mom asks to be reminded to call my sibling, I do remind her. When Christmas comes, I'll remind her to send a Christmas card. Other than that, I'm going to do the best for my mom and just forget about my sibling.

In fact, my sibling also got all the "good stuff." I pretty much agreed to it as a bribe to get some peace and quiet. But that wasn't enough and my sibling wants what little money Mom has, as well, sadly. At this point, I got Mom a lawyer and the lawyer deals with my sibling. I no longer try to be the voice of decency.

I don't think my sibling cares to be in-contact with mom without being able to get something from her, but I don't speak badly against my sibling nor try to convince Mom to give up on having contact. I just focus on everything else.

I am fairly going through the same thing like everyone who commented here & I feel your pain. I have reached to the point of focusing on me my mom, my sis and all the people who care for me in return, everyone else I leave them to God and I barely communicate with them.

RatherBeFishing described my sister exactly. Her greed has destroyed our family. I've never seen anything like it, and until an inheritance came into the picture, I never knew just how greedy she was. She's always been incredibly self-centered, selfish, self-absorbed and literally without shame - no conscience - but I never expected her to allow that to impact my parents. She contributed nothing to my parents' care, and in fact, just went on about her life while the rest of were burning down from stress - but yet she complained about the money that was being spent on it (because it would reduce her inheritance). She took all of my mom's valuables after she passed away, and systematically took anything of value my dad had, while he was still alive. She even almost convinced him to buy her a retirement condo on the beach (which would have been the entirety of the estate ALL going to her) - she did this all behind our backs - until my father, because of his dementia, accidentally told us about it. Then when confronted, she could only tell us that she was the victim and became furious with the rest of us because she saw nothing wrong with it. The only way to handle someone with no conscience, in my opinion is to try to forgive them (even though you know their actions are despicable), avoid them, and focus on the love you have for your other family members. I'm still struggling to do these things myself, and rid myself of the hatred and resentment I feel.

Just saw this post this morning when I was asking my self the same question...how to you handle the hurt of dealing with selfish, uncaring and greedy sibling...then I realized...you don't 'handle' it...you have to accept the way they are. The funny thing is...you probably don't even have to try to avoid them because they don't come around anyway. When it's time to hand out the inheritance, I will do it with a smile. I don't want Mom's money or valuables. I just try to spend time with Mom and make her day a little brighter. I get little to no support from my sister. She agrees to help and visit one weekend a month, but haven't seen her since Thanksgiving dinner at my house. She didn't bother to go to Mom's apartment and made an excuse around Christmas that she didn't want to get sick since Mom had bronchitis. Sis hasn't been to my Mom's apartment since sometime in October, said she thought I was too controlling! I find it interesting that she is a retired teacher, single and said she would help with Mom since she didn't help with Dad.
I'm moving on. When it comes time to disperse the inheritance, I'll do it with a smile because I will have no regrets. We can't change our siblings, but we don't have to like them or spend time with them. Do what you can and forget the rest.

"There's one in every family." Sometimes it can be the entire family! Living through situations with good-for-nothing indifferent siblings, family squabbles, sibling jealousy that borders all-out insanity, bad attorneys, legal battles, financial worries, untrustworthy outside help, greedy relatives, endless hours of hard work doing all sorts of nasty things that come along with caregiving, enduring the sleepless nights, anxiety, guilt and resentment. How lucky are the caregivers who do not have these complications! After 26 years of it, I've finally realized there IS a payoff for us that we too often forget: those golden moments we get with our parent - you all know what I'm talking about. They are rare and far between and often fleeting, but that is what makes it all worth it and that is what the lazy good-for-nothings and troublemakers are missing and will never be able to recover. We need to also stop to remind ourselves how lucky we are that we're going what we're doing and how right that is!

I have one of the "ugly" sisters who wants all the inheritance, won't lift a finger to help, but will try her best to get me into trouble with mother and has done this all her life.

Unfortunately, I don't have the payoff mentioned above, as mother has been mentally all all her life with Borderline Personality Disorder and the accompanying narcissism that my sis has either inherited and/or learned from our mother.

So that is not why I do it. I certainly do not feel lucky that I am doing what I am doing - quite the contrary.

So why do I do it? Partly by default. I know my sis can't/won't do it. My mother was smart enough to see that and to appoint me POA. More than that she needs someone to do it, she is my mother and as a relatively decent human being, I accept that the task, albeit often very unpleasant, falls to me. My health has been affected by the stress of caregiving within a context of continued dysfunctional family dynamics and If that becomes too much, I will resign. I am very aware I have to look after me.

Jane Austen quote: "Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope of a cure." Don't know that I agree entirely, but I do know that selfishness really equals neediness equals misery and a pitiable kind of person trapped in a pit of illusions and greed.

Your sister sounds as if she could be a narcissist, as the hallmark of narcissism is blaming things on innocent people, to take the focus off of the narcissists destructive actions. These people are almost impossible to get along with, as they will lie about anything to get their way. They will even lie about major things such as financial information (to favor them financially). You sound great, but your sister sounds very troubled, and she is probably difficult to get along with in other areas of her life as well. I would just try to put it in perspective that she may have a personality disorder, such as narcissism. I don't blame you if you have no respect for her, as there is a saying that states: "I cannot be mad at someone for whom I have no respect". Unfortunately, with difficult siblings, it's not like a difficult co-worker, where we could just change jobs and be away from the offending person.

Thanks Vikki and Whitney. I have gone no contact for now. This article from a blog I read describes things well. My sister is the "golden child" and I am the "servant child."

Covert Narcissistic Sisters Play and Deceive with the “Poor Little Me” role in their families to psychologically unhinge and wreak havoc on their non-narcissistic brothers and sisters. They start very early telling lies to the parents about their siblings while playing the innocent role to the hilt.

As they grow older their sabotage escalates, causing great pain emotional and psychological pain. They plot and take boyfriends away from their sisters by telling lies or revealing secrets or conjuring up dirty secrets. They are believable; their lying skills are impeccable.

Parents often make excuses for them especially if this the Golden Child: ”Oh, she is shy and dependent; she is not capable of lying; give her a chance; she’s unsure of herself; you have to be kind to her.”

As she grows older and her psychopathology deepens the CNS becomes even bolder. As the parents age, the CNS becomes “indispensable” to them. In secret she plots and gains power and access to all of their financial assets—properties, investments, etc.

When the parents are gone, everything is left to her—a pittance or less to the other siblings. Who’s saying “Poor Little Her” now!

This last one has not happened yet as far as I know, though she visited mother a year ago and did a great job of trashing me to mother, and I know they had a visit to mother's lawyer to try to undermine my activity as POA. At that point mother was crazy enough to do anything, though I had filled the lawyer in about the details. I almost hope that all mother's money is used up in caring for her needs. I certainly don't want to fight about who gets what.

No contact is the way to go. I had to block everyone in the family except the one brother that actually provides some help. Thank goodness you had the presence of mind to talk with your mom's attorney before your sister did. I made the mistake of not getting to mom's lawyer first, my sister lied to mom and her attorney and snatched POA for herself, and we've been suffering the consequences ever since. Every contact with them has been a disaster, so when a counselor suggested I block all social media, email, texts, phone calls, etc, I had to think about it, and decided to give it a try. It has made it easier to deal with things, since I'm no longer reacting to their attempts to unsettle me or mom, because I don't know about them.

Thank you, thezoo. You figured that out at a younger age than I did. I know my mother-sister combination is pretty toxic to me so I have to cover myself as much as I can. I gather it is your sis who is toxic and your mother is being victimized. Sounds like you have detached from your toxic sibs which is good. I have been following your thread and will comment more there.

emjo23 it sounds like you and I have a similar situation with the mother/sister toxic combo. It makes it so difficult. Like you, it has taken me a very long time to figure out my family dynamic I served as the scapegoat in. Funny thing is, my "golden child" sister is anything but golden!! She is by far the very worst person in our family. She's a total loser, druggie, parasitic promiscuous lying sociopath. The rest of us are married, stable, honest and moral people. But our mother just falls right into her hands and is totally controlled by her. After my last visit for 9 days (I live out of state from them) my sister accused me of hiding a watch she had lost. I was expecting her to sneak something of my mom's out of her apt. and then later accuse me of stealing it while there, but instead she claims I found her watch she had lost and I hid it in my mom's bag of financial documents. I was astounded when my brother alerted me to what I was being accused of in front of the entire gullible family. I told my mom I had nothing to do with the watch whatsoever, and don't even know what it looks like, but my sister is such a good liar that she can make my mom believe anything, no matter how illogical and implausible it may be. So that's what I'm up against. It makes me hesitate to ever go visit my mom at all. After that happened I resolved to never stay at my mom's apt again, and not even cross her threshold while visiting - just have her meet me in the lobby. I value my good name and reputation and it just tears me apart knowing the slander that takes place behind my back. When I discussed it with my mom, all she cared about was finding out who was "leaking" this information to me! Like I had no right to know! And she never defends me against my sister, I am always assumed to be in the wrong. So this all causes lots of friction and mistrust and makes me hesitate to even bother contacting my mom. Infuriating!!

I am the youngest of 4. I lost both my parents in 11 months. My Dad died of complications from diabetes. His death was a blessing because he had suffered so much. 6 weeks later, I took my Mom to the hospital on Valentine's Day thinking she had a stroke. She didn't. She had a mass on her brain that appeared to be cancerous. I called my sister who lived 2 minutes from the hospital. We were at the hospital for 9 1/2 hours before they transferred my Mom to another hospital. In all that time my sister couldn't come to the hospital because it was Valetine's Day and she had plans with her husband. She wouldn't even talk with her on the phone. I was so furious because my Mom had put my sister and brother-in-law in charge of everything. I fought them tooth and nail over every decision from trying to deny my Mom the right to chemo and radiation to trying to declare her mentally incompent. My Mom lived for 9 months. I did 95% of everything by myself. I set up her Drs. appointments and radiation treatments, and went with her. At night after work, I cleaned her house up and got it ready to put on the market. My sister has done nothing. My brother-in-law has messed around with her finances and made such a mess the only option is bankruptcy. My brothers have taken no interest at all. My one brother lives in NC and he called twice. He didn't come for the funeral. My other brother has some issues and so he stayed away as well. He showed up for the funeral filthy and wearing dirty clothes. He was making a statement because we wouldn't give him our parents house. It is not ours to give and he can't afford to buy it. I planned my Mom's funeral and did all the work myself. My sister said she couldn't handle it. Since my Mom died 3 months ago, my sister has barely spoken to me. On Valentine's Day, 1 year from that fateful day, she sent me a text stating that she can't see me or speak to me. She's having her own issues and can't handle all the comments or negative energy that surrounds me. My sister has always been a selfish person. Growing up my parents did not make enough money nor hold positions of importance for her. My Dad worked 2 jobs so my Mom could stay at home. We lived a modest lifestyle. We often wore hand-me-downs or handmade cloths. It was never enough for my sister. My father loved to camp and so our family vacations were camping ones. My sister hated it and it finally got to the point where my parents let her stay with friends rather than go with us. She graduated high school and moved in with her boyfriend/now husband when she was 19 1/2. My entire life my sister was never around. She was embarrassed to be associated with us and I never understood why. We were a normal family who had normal every day problems. No one in our family smoke, drank, did drugs, got in trouble with the law, etc. So I never understood this feeling of being ashamed of where she came from. She has always lived the life of a type A overachiever constantly looking for people's acceptance. The sad reality is that she will never find it until she comes to grips with her own issues of self-worth that has plagued her life. Unfortunately she can't turn back the clock to bring my parents back from the dead and be there for them like she should have been when they were dying. The sad part is that her inability to deal with grief, loss and inadequacy is now threatening to destroy her marriage. Again she is judgmental and accepts no responsibility for her actions. I accept that she doesn't want to see me or speak to me. I hope in time that will change. I pray for her everyday. I thank God for the strength and the fortitude to be able to be there with my Mom throughout her battle with cancer. I love my parents with all my heart and I miss them tremendously! I have no guilt. I know without a doubt I was truly blessed to have had such wonderful, loving parents.

Neither of my siblings care about me at all. It took a while for me to realize how much my brother manipulated me into taking on the care giving role for my Dad and stepmom. I finally cut him out of my life completely. I don't even talk to him or email him about Dad's condition. I don't need his help, nor do I want it. He always gets off easy and I get to live with the consequences. After Dad is gone, I will have nothing to do with either siblings. I don't need the negative manipulation in my life. LIfe is hard enough!

i have a sister inlaw that has a 85yr old mother and doesnt call her or let alone come see her mom.im personally the daughter inlaw and i live with my inlaw and she is homebound and had 18 kids and the majority of them dont come see her.i honestly dont understand i wish my mom was alive anyway my siser inlaw is a real b*tch and one day she will pay dearly.

18 kids or is that a typo? Wow that is a huge family.

2ndbest, sounds like a very miserable, nasty situation. Probably best to keep your distance and have only limited contact with someone with you as a potential witness.

My husband has siblings whos behavior I dont get. One is fifty years old and has conned his elderly mom out of $100,000 in two years. Cant find a job he said.
He and his sister went thru inheritances of over six figures. He didnt talk to his mom until money ran out. The other sibling,her husband and son are living in mothers condo. She is in a nursing home and has dementia. We took over conservatorship to get her help. We need to get her on medicaid but have to sell the condo. They refuse to move saying they have the right to stay there. They pay for nothing and he only does part time seasonal work.

I have 2 sisters, and a dying 90 yr old wonderful mom. One sister, no one is really sure where she is, or even if she is alive. She has some personality or mental health disorders I believe.
The other one was a drug addicted older teen, who my parents cared for and drove to the ends of the earth for, picking her up from hospitals, jails, and mental health centers to rehab her. She is actually over all that now with a large family, in her early 60's, and works full time nites in a hospital.
My mother is dying, hospice in the plan this week, she is in long term. My sister could barely return my phone call from the hospital this week, Mom was very ill in the ER. I am not sure how much info i should forward anymore, she is never grateful for what I do or inform her about.
I am thinking to just let the cards fall where they may, if she sees mom before passing ... so be it. Otherwise, oh well.

If a relative tells lies to others solely for the purpose of ruining your reputation, it is called calumny, and is a mortal sin. Those actions will be in God's hands. Meanwhile, remember the wisdom in an old saying: Never explain, your friends won't need it, and your enemies won't believe you anyhow. Have faith and don't let any of it bother you. It is the relatives mental/emotional illness, and likely if it wasn't focused on you, that relative would be picking some other target because that is how they function. It's the old 'consider the source'. If you can look up advice from Mother Teresa on the computer, she has great wisdom to share and will help you with a wall of protection from the wicked behavior of others. I hope this will help rid your life of the unpleasant actions of another. Be free of those who cause vexation of your spirit.

katieann, if you're commenting on my situation with my sister, thank you for your supportive words, and even though I 'm not a religious person, the idea of building a wall of protection from the wicked behavior of others sounds comforting to me. In a way that is what I have done...although it's more like I've adopted an attitude of indifference than put up a barrier. But it works pretty much the same way. Having my sister slandering me is very painful because I care about my reputation and how I am perceived by others. The feeling of helplessness to battle against the lies that are told about me causes me frustration and emotional pain. But by letting go of the idea that I should concern myself with what others think of me, especially people that I will rarely - if ever - see again, helps to ease the pain. Really, I live 600 mi away from any of them so what impact can they really have on my daily life? I just need to forget about them all and not give them any space or time in my head. If caumny is a mortal sin, well we'll just have to add it to a long list of mortal sins my sister has racked up in her life. I'll just hope that God is good at accounting because there are a lot of entries on her ledger sheet!!

...er calumny...sorry for the typo. That's a new word for me...never heard it before. I had always heard the legal terms "slander" and "libel" used to describe assaults to someone's reputation.

Try reading 'wolf in sheeps clothing'. Having read it I realised it was me who had to change, not my narcissistic sister who has always selfishly done her own thing. 3 years ago, she left the country leaving me to support our 94 year old mum who had a fall that same week. I was working full time living 80 miles away. I had no way of getting in contact with the sister and was amazed she showed no guilt. I'd gone through all the emotions, anger, hatred, resentment, exhaustion, made all the harder as she was and always will be, mum's favourite.. 3 years on and with still no commitment from her and little contact with her mum, I continue to care for mum but have changed how I handle this sister. She knows she has killed our relationship and I have told her unless she takes ownership of her actions, treats me as her equal and shares responsibility, I'm not interested. Never having stood up to her before, she did not like it, but, I have closure and have regained my self esteem in speaking up for myself.