I am one of eight children. My mother is 86, wheel chair bound and needs care minute by minute. None of my siblings will help take care of her because they have all had enough of her abuse over their lifetimes. I promised my father, over 20 years ago, on his death bed, that I would care for her.
I built a house directly behind her house with a breezeway that connects the two so that I can live with her and still be near my wife and family. I have been living with her and taking care of all her medical, financial and physical needs for over a year now. However, my family is not allowed in her house and she gets infuriated when I visit them even though I rarely stay for more than 15 minutes at a time and make sure she has everything she needs before I go.
She has always been just plain mean, but recently it is more like evil. She contradicts everything I say. She accuses me of stealing meaningless things that she has either hid or forgotten that she had packed it away and had it put in the attic. She hides her purse somewhere different everyday and then when she can't remember where she hid it, even accuses me of stealing it. She is constantly calling me a liar.
I cant wash the dishes right, do laundry right, make her bed right, fix her hair right and I have been doing these things for over a year. I am not allowed to watch her TV, answer her phone, etc.
She has appointed me power of attourney over finance and medical. She has had her will done and has named me executor. She has changed all life insurance policy beneficiary recipients to me to distribute. Now that she has done all that she says she is relieved because she know I am the only one that has or will take care her outstanding bills.
Now her view has changed and she is saying I got what I wanted and now I am acting like she doesn't matter. She even said "To hell with me now, you dont take care of me anymore now that I put you in charge."
Nothing about my routine has changed. She is getting excellent care. I have a nurse that checks on her every week. I have a physical therapist that comes twice a week to work with her. I have a woman that comes every other day to bathe her. I get up with her 3 and 4 times a night to get her to the bathroom or clean up where she has messed the bed, rearrange her pillows to make her more comfortable or massage her feet because they hurt and are keeping her awake.
I feed her 3 times a day and keep snacks available nearby. I give her her medicine in the morning and as needed throughout the day.
She swears I am trying to kill her by laying her pills out and not putting them in front of the bottle they came out of so now I do that. She is constantly carrying medicine bottles around the house in her wheelchair and then losing them throughout the house which causes yet another hunt of the whole house.
She is in chronic pain. She has ticdeloria, arthritis, is diabetic and steadily loosing weight. The further away I am in the house, the louder she wails and cries. If I leave the room to go to the bathroom, even if she has been fine all day, she will begin wailing and crying until I come back. She pulls at her hair and throws fits like a child if she even suspects I might go see my wife for a minute.
Thing is, she is sharp as a tack. She does not have dementia and is playing these games as if she gets satisfaction from the turmoil it causes me. She is mad that I am the only child that will have anything to do with her. I have 5 sisters and there were 3 of us boys and I am the only one. They dont call for birthdays or holidays, may show up once or twice a year out of the blue and cant get out of there fast enough once they get here.
She treats me and talks to me like a dog. She talks to other people about me like a dog. She tells them I am not taking care of her, that I am never there, that I dont feed her or give her the proper medicine and I am right in the next room when she is telling it and can hear it all.
I am at my whits end. She throws things at me and screams at me and when I try to calm her down she just gets madder. Please help with some advice that will help me keep my sanity. I am just barely hanging on. Thx.
This is so draining, taxing and emotional for all caregivers and it trickles down to our other family members. Don't lose sight that you are doing right by her, and that in the end, you will be rewarded for your help, patience and doing right by her. I firmly believe that we get what we give. If I were an ornery elder, I would hope someone would offer me the care, support and love that you are offering to her. Hang in there and KNOW you are a good son, who has loved his mother in good and bad, and that in her heart of hearts; she loves you.
Gentle hugs!
I really appreciated it (eyes winced at the language!) for the sense of perspective (yes, others have it worse than me), the humor (laughter, the weapon of choice in stressful circumstances), the pathos, and the psychological battle was so insightful. There's a resource section at the end because the writer felt it imperative to share her hard-earned knowledge with other adults caring for their parents. A great caregiver commiseration!
Kudos to you for continuing to try to work with your mom. I hope you get more assistance and relief.
A compassionate response is "Oh Mom, I'm so sorry that your pennies are missing. I would never cause you distress by taking them. I will help you look for them." Storming out of the house is understandable if you know nothing about the disease process and are taking everything the poor woman does personally. It is time to change that by learning about her disease. It will help not only her, but especially you, as you will realize she is not just pushing your buttons.
There must be a powerful, underlying motive for not tearing down that breezeway. If there really isn't, I'd set aside 15 min. every day to check up on Mom. The rest of my time would be spent bringing home the bacon and sharing it with the people who are supposed to come first.
Whatever the case may be, she'll own you until you decide to respect yourself.
Mom's been hording pennies and hid a bunch of her pennies in a box and hid it under my bed several days ago and never said anything about it, and I didn't notice it.
(I knew she had been digging around under there, but didn't know about the box)
Tonight she started accusing me of stealing them and then lying about stealing them... Telling me she handed me this box and that I did something with them... THAT's when I realized she put them under my bed! I spit on my "man card" and stormed out of the house.
Some women just have to set a guy up, then start pushing buttons...
What do you call it when you set a guy up just so you can give him crap?
I know Laura Schlessinger would call it "evil"
Now, she pitches a fit not wanting to go, but I get her ready anyway and see her off. I love her and we both need the break from each other.
My advice to you is to get help. Quickly before you loose your family.
As children we don't owe our parents our lives. We don't need to sacrifice ourselves to save them. They've lived full lives and we honor them by helping, but when abuse starts.... get help.
If you can't get help in home, it's time to consider a nursing home, or adult family home.
I often wonder if my mom is trying to make me hate her, but inside I know she's desperate to control something in her life. I fill her need to control something. Even though it's wrong of her to act this way, I understand her. That understanding helps, but tolerating her mouth shouting/yelling/hurdling curses at me when she's in a fit is overwhelmingly painful.
Trust me, getting a break does help me cope.
I pray you get help soon.
"But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God. - V.8 Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."
However, neither of these verses say WE have to be there doing all the work, it's just our responsibility to see that it gets done.
I think I know what decision I will make as one thing is for sure – my Dad was always mean and selfish and manipulative – my mother used to say so all the time, so the fact that he is old had only made him meaner and more selfish and manipulative and he is not going to change just because I am on the doorstep. I have made sure they are both in a care home which is nice and the staff are lovely and they get great care, I will do as much as I can to support them emotionally and visit as much as I can, but not to the extent that I throw away my own health and life.
If we knew for a fact we would be fit and hale and hearty after years of sacrifice I am sure it wouldn’t be such a hard choice, but we most of us know we can’t keep giving so much and receiving nothing but stress without some long term damage. What you are doing is far too much given the lack of understanding you are getting from your mum. She has taken over your life and sees you as her personal servant and because you are blood she is unkind and unreasonable and knows you will forgive her – she would not treat a stranger like that. Did your mother give that sort of care to her parents? I think not! Get in touch with social services and get some help for yourself – you need a) a counsellor to get you through the guilt and the fact that you are sacrificing your own life for hers, and b) someone to take control of the situation and help you find a care home for your mother so that you can get your life back. You are lucky that your wife has not left you under these circumstances so you need to sort it out before things go badly wrong – and if that happened believe me, your mother would only think “good, now you can be with me all the time” so don’t let it happen!
I wish you all the luck in the world in dealing with this, but get as much help from other people as you can – you need it to empower yourself.