When my Mom became ill and I stayed with her in the hospital for three weeks, I didn't even consider my life and just jumped right in and decided to care for her full time. She was living by herself in another state previously with someone coming by each day just to make sure that she was taking her pills correctly. Her dementia went haywire while in the hospital and it was clear that she could no longer live alone. Plus the fact that she now had to deal with severly damaged nerve that affected her ability to walk. I've never been married and my Mother and I were best friends. I had lost my job a couple months prior so the timing was perfect. Since then I am constantly attacked by my 5 brothers and sisters. I have been called every name in the book and have been accused of anything you can imagine to include trying to "bleed Mom dry so that I can have her condo and live there alone!" I have always been an extremely honest person and lying is one of my biggest pet peaves and yet they don't believe a word I say. Prior to this, one of my brothers even said that I was "angelic!" What happened????
One of their biggest complaints was that we eat out too much. So, I lower the cost of eating out and now they are complaining that my grocery bill is too high!!!! I have one sister that apparently eats perfectly and thinks that I feed my Mother candy and cake all day long. She actually wanted me to photograph my pantry and send her the picture. This with the instructions to take the picture now before I go to the grocery store!!! Now they want me to send them all of our receipts for the month so they can see every item that we purchase! I would tell them to kiss off, but they are the ones that have access to Mom's money and only give me a set amount each month. I am under budget by over $600 for the year, but they are still complaining!!!!! This is even after they cut my homecare budget in half so that I only have enough money to get away about six hours a week. I am with my Mother constantly every other minute of every day. She won't even let me be in the other room without constantly having to answer what I'm doing and when will I be back in the room with her. What do I do???? HELP!!!!!!
Second: get estimates (IN WRITING) from several places, and then have your brothers and sister do the same! Why should you have to do all the work?
Third: For the sister that thinks you don't feed Mom correct, put HER in charge of all 'food related duties'. And if she can't do it, because she doesn't live close by, have HER hire someone and have THEM provide her with the pictutes she wants, and the menu Mom eats, and a schedule of what she eats, etc.
Fourth: ANY further changes in your Mom's living arrangement can also have dire effect on her mental state. With that being said, start a schedule to have ALL siblings come and stay with her on a regular basis. IN THE LOCATIONS she is in now. Do not move her all around the globe/country, since this is not a good idea. When one of them stays THERE with her, you should be able to come and go as you see fit.
I know that our loved ones 'imprint' on one person (yourself) and may find this uncomfortable, but if it can happen, let it happen. Even a 'daycare' center will give you a day of rest or perhaps more time than you seem to be getting now.
Finally: NONE of this is easy when everyone agrees. Take some comfort in knowing that this happens more often than not, and although that doesn't make it easier, it does let you know that others have been down this path, and will help you as much as possible.
Also, AGE, proximity and prior family dynamics make up a huge part of your 'perceived' care. My siblings EXPECTED me to take care of Mom, and yet questioned everything I did too. I didn't have financial or medical POA but I did the best I could for my mother (as you are doing), since she was my best friend too. I also lived two hours away from my brothers, and 1200 miles from my sister, so I did more 'accounting' to THEM sometimes, than to my mother who was in the same room as me!
Have the family meeting, have a LIST of things you need to discuss, and have them ALL sign off on what should be done. If they cannot attend personally, do it via the INTERNET with net meeting, or Skype, etc. Do it soon, so YOU will be able to live too!
a huge impact on the care is perceived versus 'their abilities'. If they question your ability, take a course in caring for those with dementia (online is available) WITH them so you are all on the same page.
Take a few minutes and call or go online and figure out how much 24/7 care costs - including transportation to doctor's offices, errands, and household maintenance. Then put it on paper and send it to all the sibs. If they are STILL complaining, thank them for their interest in their mother's well-being and suggest that they come for rotating visits so that they can spend more quality time with her.
Geeezz....reading about these family armchair quarterbacks drives me nuts. (btw, I would tell the sister who wants you to photgraph the cupboard to take a short walk off a long cliff. Incredible!)
Living in a home where you cannot even be in another room without answering to your Mom and having all those sibs on your back sounds brutal. If you do not take charge and set boundaries now, I am afraid you are in for more of the same.
good luc
You may have been her favorite of her kids and now the siblings are jealous. Alot of the problems I read about on this site are due to old family dynamics. You Mom can make a will and divide everything so no one is left out.
You seem the mostly likely of her children to take care of her but when someone just takes over there usually are hard feelings. Wish you well.