Grieving over the death of my mom; am I wrong for missing her?

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Grieving over the death of my mom; am I wrong for missing her?

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I lost my 90 year old dad three months ago. He was so loving, but stubborn and a little difficult later in life. Even with a wonderfully supportive husband, I miss him so much. I’m still going through all the regrets of not being more patient with him, but remembering the way his face would light up when I visited him helps to quell those feelings. I too feel that most people, including my children, don’t understand the missing part since dad lived a long and full life. I don’t talk about it, but “I hear ya”. How could you not always miss the greatest woman you ever loved?

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No, in fact I think that because she did live a long life that you have more to miss! Find that one friend or counselor and grieve. I'm starting to not give a hoot about how people think of our own grieving. We are all unique and have our very own way of grieving. If they cannot except how you miss your mom, move on. They are still family or friend just not the ones you need right now. I'm here and maybe a new ear is what you may need at this time.

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I had an uncle who died at 100 almost 10 years ago, and because of his age, the funeral was a bit more like a celebration of his life than others I've attended. However, it was STILL a loss for the entire extended family. To that must be added that if a parent had been a "best friend" to a child over all the years the latter has been alive (and I assume the "1941" in the OP's user name is a birth date, making her 78 or 79 y/o), this would come as a serious loss, especially if the parent was mentally sound for most or all of that time. There are many on this forum who are admittedly waiting for a parent to die, mostly because the latter has dementia or otherwise no quality of life, so the caregiver has plenty of time to get used to the loss (to some degree, anyway) and think of the parent as more of a "patient". Sometimes, when my mother keeps asking "why did Dad [her husband, my father] die [at age 90]?" I've tried to explain that everyone is different, and unless both spouses "catch the same bus" (a term one person on this forum so eloquently described it), one is going to live longer than the other. Occasionally I've kidded "he was past his expiration date" to which she [now at 95] asks "then why am I still alive?" to which I can only answer "because your heart keeps beating and you keep on breathing". My sister sometimes offers more philosophical answers.

At any rate, regarding how one should grieve, I would say the slogan used by the Outback restaurant chain just about sums it up: "NO RULES, JUST RIGHT"!

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Perhaps use the same explanation with mom, she hasn't reached HER expiration date yet!

Love the slogan too!

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I don't think the age of a person when they die should be ANY factor in how much you loved them. I totally understand what you are going through. My beloved mom, my best friend in the whole world, passed away on Christmas day, 2018. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, miss her and wish she were still here. You are NOT wrong for missing her. How could you be wrong? You are a special, special person with a heart of gold who loved her mother...no matter what age she passed. How fortunate she passed away in her sleep without any suffering. That is a blessing in itself. Please don't beat yourself up over what other say. You are a WONDERFUL, caring, sympathetic, amazing person, let alone daughter. Hang in there.

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No you are not wrong for missing her but if it's causing you to be depressed or having an effect on ur life then maybe you may need some grief counseling.However you must realize that ur mom would not want you to be sad.She would want you to celebrate the long life she did live.U have alot of memories of her n I know it's very hard to move on but think about this:if you passed away would you want ur family to be sad alot?Of course not.I know I would be mad as hell if my family could only remember the day I died n not how I lived.All the accomplishments n the long life she lived n the memories you have of her will always be in ur heart.U can talk to her, her memories will always be there for you and your family.My mother passed away when I was a young child but what memories I do have of her will always be with me.I hope this helps you out a little bit.It does take a sometime to grieve but if it's taking too much time,u may want to seek grief counseling.God Bless You

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No, you are definitely not wrong. I just lost my almost 90-year-old mom on January 16th. Yes, she had dementia, was very confused most of the time, didn’t have a clue where she was, etc., but I still loved her and miss her horribly. People might think I need to be glad she’s gone but just to be able to see her, see her smile, hug her, tell her I love her, etc. was always so precious to me. She was a very vital part of my life. Not only was she the one who brought me into this world, loved and cared for me, in her eyes I could do no wrong. She was my first and best friend. No one can take a mother’s place. I will always miss my mom so you have every right to miss and grieve for her being gone.

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I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear mother.

She lived a life for 101 years, God Bless her, all the more reason to grieve her. You can never be wrong to grieve a parent, relative or friend. People sometimes can just be insensitive. When you come across this type of person, be the better person, take a very deep breathe and move on. It would be real nice to tell that person where to go...but it’s not worth it.

My mom is 83 years old, she has had multiple strokes that lead to Vascular Dementia and she is very much full of life, we are super close in every way and I would be devastated if I lost her.

I don’t want to tell you “that time heals all wounds” because it doesn’t. She’s your mom, cry it out, think about her, remember her and that she is with you, be glad you were apart of her long life, not all children can say that.

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People react to death in weird ways, sometimes. They are not comfortable talking about it (because, frankly, we are ALL going to die) and by dismissing your feelings they make themselves more comfortable. Silly thinking, but it goes on.

I lost a little friend almost 60 years ago. My mother was friends with this child's mother. You can imagine the horribleness of losing a 6 yo!! 2 weeks after she died, they played a hymn in church that we kids had sung at Pam's funeral. Her mom got up, just wailing in pain and grief and I distinctly MY mother saying "Oh, for the love of pete, she needs to get over this!" I NEVER looked at my mother the same way again.

You grieve as much and as deeply as you need to. Time will salve the wounds and people who are thoughtless and stupid--ignore them.

I found, after my sweet dad died, that going to the cemetery and sitting on his grave and talking to him helped me process the loss. Of course, he wasn't 'there' but it was and is a sacred place to me.

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Me too. It is sacred. It brings about certain emotions. I totally agree.

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Good heavens! Of course you are not wrong to miss your mother! You will always miss her. It's wonderful that she lived such a long life, but she was your mother and you have always had her and now you don't. It is a shock at any age. Miss her and remember her all you want to. Her death is very recent and you are certainly still reeling. You probably feel very disoriented and unfocused.

You will always miss your mother, but eventually more of your memories will be the happy ones instead of the current devastating emotions. Do not push these sad feelings away. They are an important part of grieving.

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My mum passed on Feb 1st. As her son and caregiver, best friend and confidant I miss her terribly.
After medical discharge from USAF after 9 years. I moved in with mom in 2000. Dad died in 99 so she was alone. He was a alcoholic and abusive to her.
It was such a thrill to see mom
blossom and grow. She had 13 children but I alone did it all.
No help from family members except for occasional visits and meals. Mom was 88. She lived, she loved, and she died. I'm a better man for the privilege of being there. Isn't that what life is all about.
We traveled allot.
We partied allot.
We cried allot.
We loved each other lots.
I LOVE YOU MOM
P.S
Thankyou for also letting share.
Johnny

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My dad's been gone 19 years. To this day, the song Morning Has Broken (played at his service) brings tears to my eyes. My FIL was 96, but I still miss him so much. A dear friend recently told me "you don't get over it, you get thru it, in your time, in your way".

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Cat Stephens, ahhh yes. He played here many years ago. Love him. I had all of his albums.

Music touches my heart and soul the same way. Music triggers many memories for me.

Miles from Nowhere was my deceased brother’s favorite Cat Stephen’s song. I cry when I hear it. YouTube it and listen to the lyrics. They suited my brother to a T!

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Of course you are not wrong for missing your mother. However try not to be upset by the reaction of people who are unsympathetic. It may help to remember that for many people, those last ten years would bring memories very different from your own, of both physical and mental problems. Be glad that your own mother’s ageing was so kind to her and to you, and perhaps try for sympathy for people whose reaction is so different. Don’t let it derail your own experience.

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Hi from australia
It is a perfect human nature trait to miss anyone so badly...who werta big part of our life

Age is not the issue imho
Of course you miss her

Your grieving
And that too is perfect normal human behaviour

I know! Been there

For cold comfort at this stage to you
It does get better with time
Remember the fond memories and the laughs and celebrate her life

Big hugs.

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I read one quote that said, "You don't get over grief; you recognize it and you put it in your pocket and carry it with you."

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I miss my mother too. I was talking to another lady whose mom passed away about ten years ago and she said 'well, life goes on.' I felt kind of like I was being made fun of for feeling this way. My mom was not over one hundred but was in her nineties. The fact is - you spent much more of your life with her - so I would think that would make the grief worse because she was a part of your life for a long time. The grief counselor told me that there is not a standard time frame for mourning, and some people who gotten counseling from him lost their parents or spouse five years or so. I think that in this culture, people are not comfortable with grieving, so they try to downplay the loss and make you meet their own expectations. You don't have to make any excuses - people grieve in different ways and for different amounts of time.
The ones who DO understand are more true friends than the ones trying to shame you.

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You put into words what I could not.

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I posted much earlier in this thread. I am so happy to see all of these heartfelt responses. Thank you, aging care forum.

Catlady,

I hope you read all of these. There are many wise words and quite a few gems.

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Catlady, first of all, my condolences on the loss of your dear mother. My mom is 94 and in the mid-stages of Dementia, and I am already grieving the loss of the woman she was. I know the day will come that I won't be able to call and talk to her, or spend the afternoon sitting beside her and hearing all the strange (sometimes funny) things she says, and the thought of this fills me with dread. My mom and I have always been close, and it sounds like you were very close to your mom, too. My advice is to let yourself grieve and get counseling if you feel it will help you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and no time limit to the grieving process. In December I lost my birth father to cancer (he was 80), and I am still grieving. I will miss him for the rest of my life. He and I were close and shared 17 wonderful years of being reunited. People who are telling you that "at least she lived a long life", or however they are saying it, are not honouring the deep and loving bond you and your mom shared. I'm sorry some people have said such dismissive statements. I hope everyone's support on this forum helps you feel not so alone. Finally, as a Cat Lover myself, I send you a hug!

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You don't know me, but, I want you to know that I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. My mother is 93 yrs with Stage 3 Alzheimer's and I feel I have already "lost" her. I lost my dear father over 15 yrs ago. Please know that I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers. I live in Hawaii.

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Dear Catlady, just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss of your sweet Mama. Take all the time you need and take care of yourself. take care and be gentle with yourself. hugs

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I am so, so sorry for your loss. Praying for you.

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No you aren’t wrong. It is part of the grieving process. My mother died at 91 and wasn’t really all that pleasant of a person, but I miss her everyday. It’s been nearly two years, but it’s still there. Good luck.

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The thing is, in my opinion, the longer you have someone the more you are going to miss them. So it's totally understandable that you miss her as much as you do. And you can tell people I said so. :-). Really, I'm sorry for your loss. It's never easy to lose your mom, no matter what her age.

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I feel your pain. I did not get 1 condolence on my mother’s death from my friends, significant other, coworkers etc. I am actually no longer friends with some people because of that. I only got the condolences from my mother’s family.
Even the DR said let her die.
Unfortunately, that’s the way people feel about older people. I do not understand it myself.

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I agree that the elderly seem to be not taken seriously by doctors. My mother suffered a lot from abdominal pain and vomiting and complaining of not having a BM for 11 days. The dr.s just gave her medicine for gas. When she ended up in the ICU for something unrelated, she was suffering a lot with abdominal pain and FINALLY a GI dr found out she had an impaction! My poor 84 year old mother was suffering horribly from an impaction and the dr.s would prescribe her meds for gas! They never even ran any test. The removal of the impaction was painful but she felt so much better! Unfortunately, she ended up passing away from something else. Im not sure what of tho. Will it be on the death certificate?

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Sounds like you've had a long life with her seeing her age. God bless she wasn't a burden,just left you lonely.
We all go through losses but are happy they're not suffering or in pain anymore.
I understand that you've been very caring and those around you doesn't matter, it's you and what you've done! I've got a 86 years young mom(not really, dementia?) and seeing yours through 101 is unbelievable! You don't need to be recognized by anyone but yourself! That's a very long time to be together, I know there's a void nobody will understand, only you can.
Be at peace knowing you had many years together.
Being so connected, you need to ignore the bad and move on, that's what Moms want. Love unconditionally is something you're feeling right now. It doesn't have to leave you now they passed. You keep it and don't accept bad vibes. Separation is very hard,we do it young and old. We manage and luckily you were there for her. Feel blessed you had all that precious time. I know you have a bond but it's time for you to go on. She wants that for you! She's so there in everything you do, just not there, in spirit. Feel it and don't listen to negative vibes.
You need to feel relieved not hurt. You don't need recognition, mom gave it!

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Wonderful response

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No! You are not wrong for missing her. It would be wrong if you didnt miss her.

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I got comments similar to that when my father died at 79. Stupid comments from stupid people. Who are they to tell you you shouldn’t mourn your father.

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Mary,

Oh so true! The same people say stupid or insensitive things to people who lose a child or has experienced a miscarriage.

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No. I bet u miss your mom .yes maybe lucky to had her for 101 years. But I think we are never ready to lose out mom's .I have been very close to my mom. And yes part of me went with her .I'm so lost I have no clue as what to do with myself. I feel your pain. Her age does not matter . She was your mom and she is not here for u to share your life with. . And like they say we all have are own way of dealing with Loss. Some of us are very close to our mom. I still needed my mom. I'm 56 and she turn 77 and passed Feb 3rd. I seen my mom everyday for 6 years . I'd come over everyday.. and now I find myself still here everyday. But she not here to share my day with. .and like your mom .my mom was still sharp up to last 2 months . Then some confusion set in here and there. But yes I think you had love for your mom . And miss her . And your right for doing so. Maybe the ones that don't get you or understand what u are going though didn't have a closeness with there mom's. .. but I get you I get you 100 percent. I'll miss my mom till I'm gone.

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I feel the sadness most everyday after losing my father to a stroke over three years ago. I’ve learned for how long I can replay his final days in my thoughts. I try to enjoy and embrace the small things in life everyday. And it really does help to acknowledge the sadness and talk about it. Especially as in forums we have here. Peace and hugs to you((()))

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"Am I wrong for missing her?"
Most certainly, absolutely NOT.

Sympathies to you in your recent loss.

A loved one is a loved one. It doesn't matter how long we have with them or how old they were, it is the love and bond with them that matters. Even those who haven't had a great or long relationship with a LO can still feel the loss and miss the LO. Those who are unsympathetic may think passing it off nonchalantly because of her age is helpful, but they just don't get it. (Based on your screen name, you have cats? I get similar crap from people when I have lost one - esp those who dismiss it because it is "just a cat".)

In your case, you had both a long run with mom, but a good one too, so it would certainly be understandable that your grief will be great or greater than others and take more time to heal. It is even more so because she was "full of life" almost to the end! On top of that, it was only a matter of weeks since the loss? Sometimes stupidity knows no bounds! Ignore them, or avoid them, whatever works best for you.

Take all the time and reflection you need. Every person is different and deals with loss differently. Dismiss what the clueless have to say to you - don't let their ignorance influence you!

So long as your grief doesn't become self-destructive, allow it to follow it's course. It may never go away totally, which is fine and to be expected - we can't just wipe memories away - they will always be with us! Hopefully though the rawness will wear down some, but give it time. Focus on the good memories (with that length of time, you should have MANY to choose from!) and be ever so thankful for all the time you did get to share with your mother!

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Absolutely not! My Mom passed at 85 oh but I wish It could have had her longer. Hopefully your Mom and mine meet in heaven 💕 Do not let those people hurt you, as I found out from a close friend who lost her Mom years before. She grew very angry at people who still had Moms in their life-and complained! Stay strong friend, you are not alone

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Grieving over the death of my mom; am I wrong for missing her?

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