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I thought of another resource if you end up having to backtrack. It's a service called "A Place for Mom". My friend used it (it was free) and couldn't say enough great things about it. They look at the finances available and the person's needs and find the options that might work. It's something to keep in your back pocket if you need it. Glad to hear you have something happening that will help. Good luck in the days to come. I hope she adapts quickly. :)
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Jessica that is really good news. She has agreed to go so you will not be the bad guy in all this. i doubt this is possible for you to do but can you stay away for the first couple of weeks so she can focus on her new reality rather than focusing on you as the one person who can get her out of the N/H.
You are a very strong young woman and have come a long way so you are highly commended for doing the right thing for everyones best future.
As CM said the anger is all about Gradnma feeling helpless but there comes a time in fact many times where we all have to accept out situation and limitationsand make the best of it or continue to be anger and bitter. You can't change the way she feels only continue to love her and be there for her.
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Jessica, we all keep reminding each here, that what we can do is keep our elders safe. We can't guarantee their happiness, because happiness comes from within.

Know that you are doing your best for her, even if she's angry with you. You ARE doing the right thing.
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Unfortunately looloo they will put her in a med van and place her in a chair in her living room. The hospital will not take responsibility for placement. If she is in a state that provides a Senior Life program that is her best transition choice.
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Jessica, it's just a side point, but be careful to distinguish between your grandmother's being angry about her situation and her being angry with you - they're not the same. You're doing the right thing, and she could even know that herself and *still* not like being in a nursing home - who would? Remember, she's not actually blaming you even when it sounds like it :/ Hugs to you.
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Update: I got a call from my grandmother today, she was calm, but a little bit angrier than yesterday. She kept proclaiming "I do not want to go to a nursing home. I'm not dying in a nursing home", but said the woman she spoke to was finding an assisted living place to transfer to this weekend (I honestly don't believe she knows the difference, but I could be wrong). She wasn't happy about it, but agreed to go into the place they were transferring her to. She told me to keep my phone near, because the social service worker was going to call me about it. I got a call back from the social service worker today a little after the call from my grandma. She stated she found a place to place my grandma, and she was willing to go there, but it is a nursing home. She is going to be transferred tomorrow. She said that my grandma kept saying "I hope this isn't a nursing home" but she simply assured her everything would be fine, without saying "no it's not a nursing home". I'm a little weary about that, because Im afraid for what my grandma is going to do if and when she finds out it is a nursing home.. I already am expecting the anger and frustration from her in the weeks to come. I'm very nervous. Each step forward relieves stress of the last problem, but adds a different stressor. I'm okay with that though, because I'm finally moving forward. I'm praying everything with work out the way it's planned for tomorrow. I still have a long journey ahead knowing my grandma is against all of this, but it's good to know she is safe and not alone. It relieves a large part of my stress. I will update on how tomorrow goes. Thank you again for all of the support you all have provided me. I honestly wouldn't have know what to do without it.
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Gritting your teeth like that… Jessica, I'm proud of you. Brave and intelligent. And if you could get through miserable and painful conversations like those without faltering there is nothing you can't handle. Well done.
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Thank you again Nancy and Pam for the moral support. This forum is really helping me get through this situation and I couldn't be more grateful to have found it. Nancy, you and your son will be in my prayers as well. I will continue to update on how everything is going. I don't expect this journey to have a road with no bumps and turns, but I know at the end of the road there will be light.
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Surprise, I completely understand this and expect her to begin lashing out on me in the near future. I know that it only gets worse before it gets better, but I am going to hang in there until the very end. She alreday lashed on me about how I shouldn't have called 9-11 to help her for her falls, and insisted i help her own my own (which is obviously ridiculous, because she needed proper medical attention that I couldn't provide). I know I can't take those things personally, because she isn't in the right state of mind, and like I said, I expect it to get worse from here and I'm prepared for that. I definitely know I need to take care of myself too, because i understand I am no use to others if I can't be emotionally stable myself. I'm hanging in there, thank you for you input! I would rather go through this situation now, so I know what to expect later in life if and when my own father has to go through any of this.
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Jessica, please let us know how things are going as this all plays out. I really can't express how impressed I am by you. In fact, I was telling my 25 year old son about you today. He lives with my 97 year old father and helps take care of him. When my son goes to work, I go over and stay with Dad. It's not easy but not as bad as what you have been dealing with. My son was also impressed with your maturity. I know I don't know you, but you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could give you a big hug. I tell my son he's earned his angel wings by taking care of his grandfather - you have too. Take care.
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Jessica you did everything right. Your mother would be proud.
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I agree with freqflyer, I do not think nursing homes are all that bad at all! I do not feel guilty about considering to help put her in a nursing home, because she would be a lot safer there, and her social needs would be met entirely, and she is a very social woman. I would feel more guilty letting her live her last part of life miserable and alone at home. My grandmother on the other hand, thinks nursing homes are a miserable place to be, even though she talked about how she loved all of the nice nurses, won prizes from bingo all of the time, made tons of cool little crafts in the activity group that she is proud of, and made tons of friends with some of the others in her previous nursing home. She is a pessimistic, and stubborn woman. I completely agree that she would be better off emotionally at a nursing home too. She claims she is so lonely at home and has nobody to talk to, yet says the home was miserable even though all of her social needs were exceeded there. It just doesn't click on her mind that she really did have it better in the home. She is very stubborn and wants to be independent like I said. I would love to see her go back and thrive socially, because that's exactly what she needs (in addition to the 24hr care).
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Jessica, you are doing the right thing! You know how hard it was for you to hit bottom and realize you needed help. That is what is happening to your grandmother. The physical part you helped with was horrible, but the mental part of hitting bottom has not happened yet.

She is going to become desperate, needy, manipulative, and angry before and probably some after her mandatory move to a home. She is going to tell everyone where she is placed is horrible, even if it is not. She does not want to give up her fantasy that she can continue to be independent. When we are failing to thrive mentally, we lash out at people. You need to understand that this is happening with grandmom and please don't take it personally.

It may be that you need to step back and not talk to her in person where she can make you feel so much guilt. Talk to her on the phone lots, but tell her you are sick and can't be there right now, but you can when you are stronger. It is true that you have an illness, and you need to get stronger to handle her in this situation. You are doing the right thing. Remember, you can't help anyone if you don't help yourself first. That is why the airlines tell adults to put on the oxygen mask before helping the children - it does no good to work at saving someone else and kill yourself doing it.

Many hugs going your way. I'm sorry this is so hard, but I think most of us go through it in some form.
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Best wishes, Jessica. You should be very proud of yourself. It is hard making the right decisions even when we understand why! Take good care of yourself.
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Freqflyer had a great point - an elderly family friend just resisted going into assisted living. "I'll die there!" Well, long story short, she finally just had no choice, and you know what Jessica, she has improved so much in physical health and is making friends, etc. The thing is, no one likes getting old, but there it is, it is gonna happen if you live long enough, so like it or not, you do the best you can with what you have to work with. In a sense, preferences are irrelevant, unless of course you are ultrarich and can buy any kind of assistance you want.
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Jessica, think of the positive, your grandmother is still young by today's standards [my Mom is 97], and having her move to a continuing care facility she would be around people from her own generation.... just think of all the new friends she will make :)

Just think, now you can be her *Grand-daughter* and have delightful visits where you can spend quality time.

She can talk about the music of her time and the residents could relate... talk about actors of her time, politicians of her time, etc. In fact, if your grandmother had lived in the area for quite some time, she might find a dear lost friend from the past living there.

Don't forget, many older elders have a stereotypical thought about nursing homes.... nursing homes today are so much better than they were 50 years ago. Plus she would have 24 hour care, with caregivers who work only an 8-hour shift, who go home to their family and friends, and who get a full nights sleep to be refreshed for the next day.
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God be with you Jessica you are a very mature and nurturing young woman.
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Again thank you for all of your feedback. When I posted this question, it was my goal to place my grandmother in a place when she could be cared for 24/7. I already understand this is not healthy for me or for her. I know this is not my responsibility to do, and I need to move on with my life. So thank you all for the tough love, and advice, but I am far past that mentally and I know she needs to go get placed somewhere where she is taken care of. I was just posting to see how and what I could do to get that process started, and I thank you all for your answers. I visitors my grandmother today at the hospital, and the more and more I talked to her the more guilty I felt about what I was going to do. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, because I know it is what she needs to stay safe and healthy. I didn't let that stop me, and I asked her nurse if there was a social worker or discharge coordinator I could speak to in private regarding my grandmother. Again, I know none of this is my responsibility, but I feel better knowing that I can help her get the help she needs, instead of my uncle doing it. Contacting him is not an option. I have my had a relationship with him my entire life, and my grandmother has many legal problems with him. I would feel better knowing I got her a good place instead of my uncle abandoning her somewhere. Anyways, even the nurse knew that she didn't seem able to live alone. But I got to speak with one of the social workers there and I talked to her about everything that was going on. It's not something I want to do, but it's something that needs to be done in order to keep her safe. The social worker was very helpful and went to speak with my grandmother and to her doctor after we spoke. I left and didn't go to speak with her, I did not want my grandmother to try to tell the social worker that I could live with her, because I can not and will not do that. Needless to say, the social worker is working things out. I got a call from my grandmother an hour later, and she was telling me about what was going on. I tried to talk to her calmly, but she was just too worked up to understand. She kept asking me to live with her, I said I can't, im going to be leaving for college eventually. She is not happy about this, and that's understandable. A planner is going to speak with her tomorrow to go over everything with her and help her consider her options. I'm praying all of this falls through, I want the best for her. Thank you all again, I'm mostly just looking for moral support from here on out if anyone decides to put their input in. This site has helped me a lot with my situation, since I am completely on my own. I highly appreciate all of the answers.
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Jessica I have a grand daughter who is your age I would never in my most desperate situation consider expecting her to take care of me. She is a big strong girl and could physically handle it where as you are not even strong enough to do that. would you be able to take care of the physical needs? the bathing, cleaning up incontinence issues, getting up multiple times in the night to change soiled bedding, not to mention the endless laundry. ther will also be changes in the way your loving grandmother treats you as her illness progresses. if she has dementia she may go through a phase of being hateful towards you.
I think you have all these things worked out for yourself already so it is just the difficult part to get through of getting her placed in a nice facility. When you see the social worker at the hospital give them your uncles contact information. Whether he likes it or not he is the closest relative and needs to take responsibility. best of luck to you. your have been through a lot already and need a new start. this does not mean abandoning your grandma but doing the responsible thing and getting her the care she needs.
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Jessica, sometimes we need to use tough love to let the Caregiver know that the situation that they are in is only going to get worse. Please note that 1 out of every 3 Caregiver dies leaving behind the person they were caring.... yes, even at your age it could happen due to physical and emotional exhaustion. I know all about panic attacks and the lack of sleep. It can take a terrible toll on your health.

I know I was glad when writers here on the forum were not always agreeing with me, they were using tough love because they were able to see the forest for the trees. Thus, I was able to make changes in my own situation regarding my elderly parents. And I am so glad I did.
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Jessica, We all realize you want what's best for your grandmother. If you are finding her on the floor and she's going to the ER frequently, you and I both know she can't stay at home. No one wants to go to a nursing home. Unfortunately, many people need to. You have the weight of the world on your shoulders. A good care facility can lift this weight and carry it for you. No one can do it all. Simply explain to the discharge planner at the hospital what is going on with her at home and you can no longer provide care for her. Please try not to feel guilty for this. It isn't your guilt to carry. It's not your fault that grandma's body and mind are failing her. You have done more than your best. Stay strong. You can do this. Let us know how it goes. I'm concerned about you.
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Jessica, I'm sorry if my remark seemed cruel to you. I'm glad that you are a loving granddaughter, but you have no legal obligation to care for your grandma, which is what I meant by "not your monkey". I was not comparing your grandma to a monkey.

Often, we hear on this board that discharge folks at hospitals try to make it out to families that they have a legal obligation to take elderly relatives into their home, or move into the elder ' s home themselves where no such obligation exists. You need to protect yourself and your future. Best of luck to you, and again, I'm sorry to have caused you pain.
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Thank you very much Nancy and CountryMouse for you kind words. This is a tough situation to go through alone, and I was also hoping for some moral support while posting this. So thank you very much for your kind input. As for myself and my sister, we are both seeing therapists/psychiatrists for different reasons. I am doing fine, I know I could be better, and I am working on that. My mother passed away when I was 12 and had dealt with severe alcohol and drug abuse after me grandfather died. I was home alone with my mother when I was 12, when she went into cardiac arrest, which caused her to go into a coma, and pass away 4 days later at the hospital. For a while I struggled with PTSD of the images and experience of that, but I am almost completely free from that. I was then in a mentally, emotionally, and sexually abusive relationship for a 2 1/2 years (from the ages 14-17) , which initially caused my severe depression. Luckily, I have been out of the relationship for two years now, and although I have no more pain towards the things I went through, my mind is still stuck in that depressed rut and I'm slowly but surly making my way out of it. I'm sorry, I kind of went into my life story there. I am doing decent right now, and I am recovering from everything. I am always searching for ways to help others, because I know what it's like to be alone. This is why I feel the need to help my grandmother get the proper care that she needs. But again, thank you for you kind thoughts and prayers.
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Jessica, if it helps you unload any guilt you might still be feeling, think of this: it is not safe for your grandmother to be dependent for her care on an eighteen year old with health issues of her own. Your grandmother needs more help than one person can provide; but unfortunately while you are there she is refusing help from other sources and that leaves you no option: for her sake, as well as your own, you must step aside and hand over to the professionals.

It will get better. And then once her situation is sorted out, you'll be able to visit her as a family member, rather than a carer, and there'll be no question of your abandoning her. But for now you need to back away, simply to ensure that she starts getting the substantial amounts of care that she really needs.

Meanwhile, how are you? You and your sister are very young to have lost your mother. I hope you're both finding your way through.
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You are a wonderful granddaughter. Hopefully the social worker can help you. You could try your local Department of Aging also. My prayers are with you. Remember to take care of yourself or you won't be any good to your grandmother. You impress me so much.
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I expected some of these answers to be a little bit more kind and understanding, but I guess I went wrong there too. This is the internet and it was foolish of me to think I would get answers that were all kind and helpful. For the record, I did not take this semester of college because I wanted to care for my grandmother, I took it off to recover from my depression. I cannot go back to college until I get better mentally, and this situation is hindering my ability to do so. I guess I should have worded that a little better. I love her dearly, and she is not a "monkey" at a circus, and I would never refer to the situation as that. She is a human being that has cared for me my whole life. And I understand Im not responsible to care for her, but she has nobody else and she has treated me extremely well my entire life so I feel that it was my duty to help her, but OBVIOUSLY I KNOW I'm getting used, and I can no longer do that. I want the best for my grandmother, and I know I cannot provide it. I would not be able to live with myself knowing I left my grandmother to struggle on her own, so yes I'm going to take care of the situation and do what is best for her. Saying "not your monkey, not your circus" is quite offensive and i did not ask for rude remarks while asking this question. But again, it's the Internet, I shouldn't expect everyone to be kind and empathetic. Thank you to mainly looloo and panstegma. First thing tomorrow I am going to the hospital and talking to one of the social workers there. When discharge comes around and if I still haven't gotten through to anyone, I will refuse to take her home, because she is a threat to herself there and is not safe.
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Jessica, ask to speak to the Social Worker at the hospital and the Discharge Coordinator. Make it very clear to them that you can no longer take care of her. They will get her to a good facility.
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You are 18. Why can't you go back to college?

You are being used in this situation which you should be able to get out of with the hospital's social worker's help.
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Hi Jessica, if she's in the hospital now, do NOT take her back. Explain to everyone (doctor, discharge person, everyone) that no one is able to provide the care she needs, end of story. They will need to find a place for her.
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Not your monkey, not your circus.
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