Grandmother exhibiting odd behavior including memory issues. Any advice?
TW: sexual abuse-
My grandmother lives alone in another a couple hours away from me. She wants to move back to where I live but has put filling out the assisted living applications as her mind has been elsewhere. She has had minor memory issues for a bit now. Last summer she was able to find her half brother whom she hasn’t seen in over 30 years. She flew out to meet him and has not been the same since. I feel like I’m breaking her trust by talking to a forum but I have no idea what to do. She came back from that trip having intense feelings for him. To the point where she was comfortable telling me she cannot stop thinking of him sexually. She cannot go a day without thinking about him and has completely lost all of her inhibitions. When she came back from that trip she didn’t go to church for 3 weeks and stopped wearing her religious under garments. I’m glad she feels comfortable enough to confine in me but I have tried to get her to go to a therapist to have her make sense of her thoughts. The fact that she has no trouble going into graphic detail to me is worrying as she is known to be a very reserved lady.
Side note: Her brothers father whom was her step father sexually abused her for many years. I told her because of this unresolved trauma- you are having confused thoughts. He gave her attention that she hasn’t had in awhile (my grandpa has been gone for over a decade) so I’m sure it has confused her. Upon coming back from that trip she started to be extremely resentful towards my grandfather which I knew was a handful but she has always expressed her love for him and how he was the only one for her. Now it’s she had to escape a one bad situation to another. Meaning escaping her abusive step father to my grandfather. She also has a changed attitude about her biological dad and now refers to him as sperm donor and that he probably would have been the same way towards her that her step dad was. Obviously this wonderful lady has been through hell. I know that can be troublesome on the noggin especially since she’s held it in for all these years. I think seeing her brother has resurfaced all of this.
She is now relentless in seeing him again. To the point where she’s already planned another trip to go the other side of the country. I wish I could talk to my father about it but he isn’t in the mental capacity to empathize with something like that. My aunt is somebody I would talk to about this however I don’t know how to go about it as we are not close. I just want her to get the help she needs.
She also has expressed about finding a married man attractive in her building. They are quite close and he has allegedly alluded that if he weren’t married he would be with her. She told me that there’s one thing that they could do that wouldn’t be cheating: oral. I about fell out of my chair. I expressed to her how that is absolutely cheating and that if she were to do such thing she would have to deal with the wrath of his wife and God. Another odd thing that I’ve noticed is that she has been actively trying to lose weight before she goes to see her brother. She now plans to dress younger and has purchased items that she can’t afford to maintain this new look of hers.
I know this is a lot to read and a shot in the dark posting on the internet for advice but I have no idea how to move forward with this situation. Please and thank you for your help.
7 Answers
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When an elder loses their filter(s), it is more likely that they are saying the same things to many people, and not just 'confiding' in you. Something to think about.
Her behaviors and words will become apparent to others.
My mother has dementia and an imaginary husband. Her filters are completely GONE, and she likes to try to tell me all about her their sex life. It's appalling, because while she was never a prude, she certainly never talked about sex with me, including when she should have.
Your grandmother sounds like she's having cognitive issues, and honestly, her trip probably threw her mind even more out of whack than it was before. Ask her doctor to do a cognitive assessment, tell him everything she's told you, and ask what you can do to help her. Definitely talk to your aunt, too.
Kudos to you for loving and caring enough to help.
Not okay for you. But also, a further indication that all is not well with her mentally, in more than just a struggling to come to terms way. Where is her sense of appropriateness? Where are her social filters?
Do talk to your aunt, and don't leave it long.
I feel like she’s a completely different person. She is now going to visit him again in the summer- she put made that a priority instead of flying out to my wedding this April. Which we would have paid the hotel for, she would just have to pay most of the airfare which also really hurts me. I know she clearly isn’t in her right mind so I’m trying my best to not take it personal.
I’ve thought about keeping a journal of everything and the dates we talk ect just to keep track.
I will work up a message to send to my aunt. Wish me luck! Thank you, Countrymouse
She found the religion later on in life when she was in her 50’s. She is now 77. I don’t know much about the garments I thought it was a purity thing so here is what I found online: “A temple garment, also referred to as garments, the garment of the holy priesthood, or Mormon underwear, is a type of underwearworn by adherents of the Latter Day Saint movement after they have taken part in the endowment ceremony. Garments are worn both day and night and are required for any adult who previously participated in the endowment ceremony to enter a temple. The undergarments are viewed as a symbolic reminder of the covenants made in temple ceremonies and are seen as a symbolic and/or literal source of protection from the evils of the world.”
As for a therapist, she was very close to going to one. When I asked her how did it go to at her primary care and did she ask about a therapist she said that she asked the receptionist and said that she had to go to said therapist and have them request a referral which made no sense to me. She now will not be going to her primary doctor until this summer but I think she needs to go sooner. Am I able to overstep my boundaries and call her healthcare professionals if I feel it is an alarming change? She has a hard time getting around as she doesn’t drive. Which is why I’m trying to get her to move closer. But legally I know there isn’t much I can do at this point.
I will definitely get ahold of my aunt in the meantime and see what she thinks. They only talk on the phone once in awhile as she lives far away.
My relationship with my grandmother I would consider close. I am now 26 but growing up she would have me almost every weekend to every other. We talk on the phone for hours. Every other week or so. Lately it’s been the same thing over and over about her brother. I know she has always had depression but isn’t on anything for it. Thank you guys for your answers!
My suggestion would be for you to do a private Google search to find an experienced Therapist and perhaps the support groups. They are very used to the need for discretion and privacy. This is a very difficult situation, and I am not surprised that you are finding it hard to work out how to move forward.
You could ask your aunt if she has had any concerns about her mother recently without going into any detail about what your grandmother has discussed with you. It might start a constructive conversation.
Without knowing how old any of these people are, and what your relationship with your grandmother was like in the past, it's hard for anyone reading to understand whether this is a marked, sudden change that definitely wants reporting to your grandmother's medical professionals or part of a habitual, lifelong pattern that is new only to you.
It's possible that something was going on in your grandmother's mind that triggered her wish to make contact with her half-brother, rather than the meeting triggering these thoughts and feelings. You see the difference - it may be that changes going on in your grandmother's mind started well before you became aware of them.