Grandma wants to move in. Anyone have any advice how to handle this situation?

What is your real problem? You are no soothsayer from your comment s so your plans for tomorrow may not come to pass. Show yourself a real human being and put up with generous grandma while you have a chance!

NO! This is not a good idea, especially as newlyweds and as students and at your ages. Your grandma is looking to you as an escape for her discontent. My mother did/said this to me, only she wanted me to leave my husband, home, and life to move into her den "and I'll buy a new twin-size bed for you" to be her live-in companion. This conversation was ten years ago and she's still alive. You are not responsible for Grandma's happiness.

Regardless of your age and stage in your life, it's not a good idea to use her money to purchase something that will intertwine your money with hers. You don't know what the future will hold for either you, your husband or your grandmother. As she ages, change is going to get harder for her. What if you have to move? What if her health gets worse? Then what happens? She probably has a beautiful notion of a loving granddaughter with a Doctor husband that will forever be her care- givers. My mother used to put these pressures on my sister and I. I did look into buying a house that would give her private space beside us. It would have taken us selling both our houses to do this. Guess what? Her dementia worsened and it became evident that she had to have Memory Care. We would have had to sell that property to afford her MC. Where would that leave us? Additionally, my sister took half of mom's savings to go towards a house my niece and Doctor husband were building. This was under the guise that she would live with them. Just 3 months after that financial transfer, my niece and Doctor husband filed for divorce and that house never got completed. So, that left my mother out of $70,000. Please arrange a meeting with an elder care professional to help your grandmother see the potential complications of such a request. And, to further explain options for her that don't include you. In the end, do what makes you feel comfortable. Your husband should get a vote here, also.

I wish I could "Helpful Answer" Annabelle18's post a dozen times. Theirs is precisely the fate I've had to -- and am still having to -- battle against with my narc father. He tried to guilt and oblige me into giving up my life with my husband to "share" a house and become his and my sibling's FT caregiver/aide/maid/wife/mother.

Kelsey, please heed what others have said, and reread Annabelle18's response multiple times. They're not exaggerating. There are no words to describe how this situation would change you into something less than you knew you could even be. I've now lost 9 full months of my life, and resentment, anger, frustration, and feelings of never-ending hopelessness (as Annabelle18 put it) have been a constant companion this entire time already because of the situation dumped on me -- and my parent doesn't even live with me. How much worse it would be if he did, I can't even let myself imagine. I've become a shell of a person, to the point where my husband is constantly angry and depressed about the person I've become as a result of this burden. The therapy we need right now is indescribable.

You need to avoid this fate, for yourself and for your husband, at all costs. Do not leave that door open about living with your grandmother: shut it tight ASAP and throw away the key. Family household caregiving situations only work when they are mutually planned over time, desired, and consciously and willingly chosen, NOT out of pressure from one side. Do NOT let someone else choose your (and your husband's) fate for you.

I read a meme once that I saved: "Sometimes my heart needs time to accept what my mind already knows." Your mind and body already know the answer here -- and, frankly, so does your heart. As difficult as it is, you need to get the strength up right now to have the hard conversation and say definitively and firmly No, or else you will spend the rest of your life suffering far more difficult circumstances as a result. Self-preservation is not selfish. Building your own life is not selfish. Choosing your own fate is not selfish. Prioritize the life and spouse and future you chose.

My first thought reading thru this is…NO…

second, if your grandmother makes the down payment on a home for you…that is gifting. When your grandmother runs out of money, or needs to be placed in AL , Medicaid will place penalties..where would your grandmother go…

3rd , your young and eventually probably will resent taking care of your grandmother, havoc on your marriage …

you could move her into AL near you. She will need someone to oversee things eventually, and if you decide that’s going to be you, make sure all the power of attorney’s are in place, will, and living will. But move in , would be a hard no… you will become a nurses aide.

Have you determined why, at age 86, your grandmother is determined to uproot, sell it all, and relocate to your home? Why not her sister or niece? This goes against the majority opinion, but her willingness to assist purchasing a home for you can at least be considered. It could be a win-win if you look to a few years ahead. First, contact a real estate agent to see availability of homes with a mother-in-law suite, its own entrance and room for her car. Then, with your husband, have a meeting with her to discuss house rules and boundaries, contribution to expenses, maybe include her sister and niece so its all above board. Practically, with a spouse in med school, it is likely to be some time before one can afford to buy a home, pay off school loans and have babies without tremendous stress on a marriage. When he joins a practice, he will be the long hours, on call doc for some time. In your possible scenario, if grandmother began to fail, (and she will) there are sitters who can monitor and handle medical appointments or transfer to nursing facility should her condition require skilled care. Subsequently, you could offer the suite to another student for rental income, and build a savings for your post med school, future family home. This is all assuming you have a relationship with your grandmother which can support the responsibility.

If she moves into senior living, she will have resources. If she is selling her house, she can use those funds to pay for it.
In senior living, she will have companionship, interesting things to do, fewer errands like grocery shopping etc.
DO not have her move in with you.
Don't do it. You aren't the people who can give her what she needs. I spoke to a woman at a senior center, and she told me that no one shows up at senior or assisted living wanting to do it. Then they get used to it and most of the time benefit from it.

In my humble opinion, you are too young and newly married to take that on. If she is still pretty healthy, an over 55 independent living community would be a great solution and she would meet lots of people. She is already trying to dictate the time frame and she doesn’t live with you, she will try to dictate a lot of other things if she does. Just say it’s not a good idea and tell her what her other options are. Making sure she has food, clothing and shelter is the way you can care for her, just not with you. Believe me that is a chore in itself.

Don't do it. I have a friend whose mom moved in to help with the children when she was starting her business. It's been 35 years. Maybe not quite your situation but your grandma could live for another 20 years.

For your own sanity don't do it. I know you love your grandmother, but after a few years it might turn into resentment. Their are a lot of responsibility. You won't have a life of your own. She needs a assisted living center or nursing care facility. She will be safe there and she will make friends. Please for your own life don't do it. I went through it for 7 years before I made the finally move. It was hard but I didn't realize how much stress and pressure it was on me and my husband. My mom is happy and safe where she's at now. Your a great granddaughter!

Sounds like you really love your Grandma but I would just tell her that it’s not a good idea for you both as a couple, you are only just married very young and have your own life.

You do not want an elderly relative living with you, you will become a carer and it will eat into your life.

Just say that you and your husband has discussed this in depth and neither feel it would be healthy for your marriage to have a 3rd person in the home.

if she needs company and help suggest a good AL place and leave it.

Please don’t do it! You are so young and have your lives ahead of you. This is your time to enjoy each other and enjoy freedom before becoming parents. Having Grandma come to live with you will all that to a screeching halt. It seems a nice assisted living place would be more appropriate. She is being very selfish to put this kind of pressure on you.

There are many reasons why this is not a good idea. Your grandmother will need her own money to take care of herself. Entangling yourself financially in a house will be very complicated if she needs long term care and Medicaid in the future. She is in a hurry because she must sense she is declining. People have listed a bunch of good reasons here on this forum as to why this is not a good idea and they are speaking from real and hard earned expertise!

You really don’t know what you are signing up for here. Let me tell you, when I stepped in to oversee my mother’s care, no medical staff wanted to take on telling me what was really going on with her. My mother lived long distance and we didn’t talk for many years. I wasn’t seeing the real picture. You are not seeing your grandmother every day. And your grandmothers regular doctors are not seeing her every day unless she has a visiting doctor that comes to her home and sees how she is living. So when she comes to the office to see her doctor she may be putting on a good show. Trying to assess her ability to live independently long distance is not adequate. I am not being cruel when I say you can’t trust what she is telling you. She may be experiencing a cognitive decline. You can’t make a rushed decision based on guilt or a feeling of obligation. You can’t give in to her demands. Would you give in to anyone else’s demands? It sounds like your grandmother is desperate. But you need to be practical and informed.

You can be a “good” granddaughter by insuring she is safe and has care. And keeping her finances safe. That doesn’t mean she has to move in with you. You need to plan a visit and see for yourself what is going on. My mother hid her dementia and physical ailments from me and everyone. So she disconnected from everyone around her and was very secretive. And she would tell people she could drive during the day just fine when in fact her car wasn’t running and she hadn’t driven in many months.

You need to tell your grandmother that it’s time to make a practical plan. And moving in with you and giving you a down payment is not practical. She won’t like it but that’s the way it is. She needs all her legal documents in place. She should have a visiting home doctor or nurse. You need to research supportive services in her area, and cost of senior housing both close to you and close to her as services and costs of care vary. I chose to move my mother close to me because I could not schlep back and forth for every crisis and the cost of care was much cheaper near me. But I would never move her in with me. You need to understand that at 86 your grandmother is old and could decline quite rapidly.

Just coordinating my mother’s care and managing her finances has been emotionally exhausting. I cleaned up a real mess. I say this with love: don’t bite off more than you can chew. Find an elder care attorney and pay for a consultation. Talk to your local office on aging. Read some stories here about people that have moved in to take care of loved ones and now regret it as their lives fall apart. Good luck!

Of course your grandmother is pressuring you to take her in. How very convenient for HER. NOT AN OPTION for YOU! It does not even matter than you have many legitimate reasons for not agreeing with this arrangement.. You do not need to justify your decision. She can use her own house money for AL/CCare nearer you if not in Hot Springs. Many of us are older and more isolated b/c of COVID. That is not make someone else resppnsible for our care and entertainment.

If you are a newly married couple, taking in grandma is not going to be a good thing. I do not advise you to take her in. Be open with her and tell her you do not think this is in the bet interest of your marriage. Grandma will only need more care as time goes on. Do not do this. Help her find assisted living nearby.

Adding my twopenceworth to the growing list of "do not do this" to echo them. Do NOT let her move in. "No" is a complete sentence, and it took me years to a) learn that, and then b) a few more years to actually work up to say nothing more than 'no' and stopping there. Invariably there's a slightly off-putting pause from the other person as they try to figure out a response to the silence following the 'no', but I promise you, the world doesn't cave in.

Deconstructing your situation further, how is the actual ownership of the house going to work out? And what's going to happen if a fabulous opportunity comes up for you or your husband for work and you want or have to move? You're not responsible for your grandma, but you are responsible for your marriage. Focus on that.

You say you feel anxious about this. Listen to your feelings! If you feel anxious now, how will you feel when your Grandma is living with you full time? Suppose you want to change your mind after she buys a house with you all. How easy would it be to reverse that decision afterwards, if it doesn’t work out for you and your husband? Also from what you write, your Grandma is already making demands on where you should live and how you should live. She is not considering any of the other options you proposed at all. Would you feel comfortable caving in to her demands not only now, but in the future?

I would be honest and tell her no. You are a newlywed. A grandpad or a Zoom visit could be great options to be able to talk to grandma and see her at the same time. Facebook has an option for video calling as well. Grandma needs to be able to plug in to people from her church circles and other groups.

I don't like driving at night either and I'm not that old. It is just a different time for some of us and there is really no reason to be out in the late evenings. Plus, parking is a problem here in the District of Columbia especially after 6:00 pm. It's like you are a slave to this neighborhood.

Do not do this..Gramma needs her own place , perhaps near you or in an independent apartment building in a retirement village/community where she can make friends her own age..this is NOT in your best interest. I am 70, my mom 88..no way can she live with me…my mom loved it once she got there and saw that everyone was her age and there was a lot to do!

You two are young. Grandma is old. There is a wealth of information you can glean from her presence. I just lost my Mom at almost 91. She has lived with me for 12 years. I feel she lived this lomg because she was here. It was good for her to be here. Until she no longer could, she cooked meals, which was fantastic to come home to after a crazy day. She did laundry until she couldnt. She did light house keeping and just kept me company. As she declined, and had to use a walker to get around, she still could do things like chopping vegies, fruits etc. Stuff she could do sitting down.
She offered her advise if I asked. Remember, she has been there, done that. She has lived through hard times and good times.
When she comes, you can see about Medicare/medicade paying you for her care. This would enable a fund to be started to place her in a nursing home near the end.

She is your flesh. She gave you life essentially. Dont turn her away.

If you discovered tomorrow that you were pregnant, would you give it up so you two can have " romance" on the couch?

Take her. The rewards outweigh the bad in the long run. BTW, do you know what her financials are? Your Grandma maybe choosing the heat bill over food or medications. The gifts she gives for holidays or birthdays may be costing dearly for her. I dont think my 23 or 19 year old girls if they had to take my mother had I passed, would hesitate. They would be helping her move.

Seriously don’t think about it as cruel as it sounds you are both too young and need time to yourselves and when you have a baby you will be looking after 2 babies just keep putting her off

Just tell her NO - you don't know where your husband will be working when he qualifies, and he needs peace and quiet for any studying and sleep until then, Just keep repeating the answer as often as the question comes up and if it doesn't stop then move to the " I have answered this a lot of times it is not up for discussion". You cannot sensibly even be thinking of taking this on at this stage in your husbands career, your marriage and your desire to have children. If your husband it being supportive of you even thinking of it, it has to be out of care for you and what you want, hell will freeze over before as someone doing a medical residency he thinks this is sensible. Don't put him second, you should have many happy years with him if you don't take Grandma in for a few unhappy ones. Your responsibility is to your husband and children to come NOT to your Grandma.

You have received many good reasons to say no, and I agree. It’s just too much! She needs to know that you love her and that she won’t be abandoned.

Please think carefully before you do anything to change her location. At the stage of life you are in, you may well want to make a move within several years. It seems to me that for now, at least, staying in her community would be the best choice. A discussion about ensuring social and other support as she ages may be helpful. Finding ways to make herself useful to others in her community can be part of that.

There are many possible answers to this predicament. But based on the information you provided let me say:

If grandma can live alone, then she should. At the very least, move to independent living at a community nearby you. Yes that is an apartment situation but she would be among folks her own age. Eating, drinking, swimming, and various other forms of socialization are offered in senior communities as such.

Having her live with you will likely have a bad outcome in your relationship with her and has a great potential to cause stress in your marriage.

My mother is 89. I love her but I cannot have her live with me. She is extremely self centered. If things don’t go her way there’s Hell to pay. I’ve suggested she move to a senior community but she’ll have none of it. That’s her choice. She has to live with the consequences of her decisions. The same for you grandma. Yes you love her but you are not responsible for her. Provide the care you can but it likely would cause turmoil in your home if granny is around.

Let her down gently but do tell her that living with you is not a possibility.

NO! NO! NO! As soon as she gets there she will be unhappy and want to go back. She will make your lives miserable with her demands. Just plain NO!

TouchMatters/Gena has a great answer and said better everything I'd want to say. I just want to add that helping her get an apartment (close to you?) might be a better choice at her age. 1. It's easier/faster to get into while you're selling the house. 2. It allows you to put her money in an account where she will be able to pay for people to come in and help as needed as she gets more dependent (which she will unless something happens where she declines quickly). 3. She/you can let the apartment go more easily than selling a house if she ends up needing to go into memory care. Especially if the housing market cools. And I agree that she is being very demanding. She may be afraid, having been hit hard by the COVID lockdowns, especially if she has lost any friends to the disease. She needs to have people in a local senior center or whatever is possible during COVID. You and your husband need to focus on you and share your time AS APPROPRIATE with her. Be strong. (Personal note: I wouldn't to move in with my newly married son and his wife. He's starting grad school next summer, she adjusting to a new school as she is a teacher. I would not want to loom over their new lives.)

I see 32 answers are below. I'd gamble that 99.99% of them say "Don't let her move in" (... you're too young and have your entire life ahead of you). I haven't read them yet. The only ones that may be in the affirmative might be focused on religion and your DUTY . . . which isn't your duty. Onward.

The way to handle the situation is:
* Clearly and honestly communicate your desires.
"No, this won't work out for us." ... as she may keep pushing / pressuring (which will likely not stop as she believes she can wear you down... AND DON'T LET HER), say:

I would be very happy to help you find a senior community residency / apartment so we can stay connected in ways that WORK FOR BOTH OF US (or all of us).

* DO NOT give her specifics . . . we are going to start a family . . . we are newlyweds . . . She WON'T CARE. (Going on and on is guilt talking).
1) Be firm; 2) Be confident in what you want to do and say; 3) Don't elaborate. 4) as / if she continues to push (on the phone, trying to make a case for herself, say "I'll give you some time to think about my decision (NOTE: DECISION is the word to use) and let me know if I can help you find a living situation close by (or in the county, state, etc.).

You must feel and know in your gut and heart that you and your husband deserve the time and privacy to start your own lives. I am sure it is very stressful now for both of you, with your husband in medical residency.

* If you start to feel bad/guilt/or wobbling in your decision (help her get her own place), come back here and we'll perk / prompt you up again.
* I truly believe that if you allow her to move it, it would be hell for everyone and you, your husband and the relationship will suffer/be challenged and then on top of that, you may have a child and be a new mother.
* If it might help, write out your thoughts and feelings and send her a LOVING (and clear and direct) letter - something she can refer to. Tell her you love her. While she may not appreciate being around others in her own age bracket and privy to some social events (Covid excepted) / develop new friendships with others, you can mention this - even find photos, words from elder care housing websites.
- The plus to writing it out is that you can ask her to refer 'to my letter' - if she keeps saying the same thing.

You must listen to your anxiety and trust your inner self.
If she can buy a house, let her get a two bedroom - one for her and one for a housemate or caregiver (if needed).

She is giving you HUGE RED FLAGS ... insisting (?) to do this NOW. This shows she doesn't have the ability or sensibility to respect you/your husband and potential family. As someone said below, her consciousness / mindset / intellect / neediness / mental-cognitive functioning will decline.

- You can help her understand her FEARS. She may not understand them herself. Ask her what her fears are and address each one. Let her know that you will support her and be with her 'as you can' - you must set boundaries or she'll steam roll all over you. You cannot let that happen.

* She is fortunate to have the $ to buy a house. Let her. Tell her you will help her find a good realtor if she wants to buy a house. Share with her HOW it would would be much better for her to move into an elder community (levels of care, food / restaurant, activities, new friends, etc. She will not be alone.

Gena / Touch Matters

If she is pushy now with the housing situation it will only get worse in your home. You’ll have to start drawing boundaries now. She isn’t aware of what your wants and needs, and what her impact would be on you and your family. Moving in with you seems like a simple solution to her anxiety and loneliness. At 86 she may soon start to have symptoms of dementia or other problems that will really weigh you down and your marriage could well deteriorate. There are countless people here who have regretted moving an elderly parent into their home. Becoming a caregiver for an elderly person and having young kids will be extremely difficult. A friend of mine with children took care of her mom with dementia at home for ten years. When they were older they told her they felt neglected. Ask anyone in a sandwich generation.

Look for an excellent assisted living facility close by where she can have her own furniture and stuff. Visit her as often as possible. There will be people in her own age range as well as activities. Should she start to require more care she will already be positioned to get the help she needs. Assisted living places have different tiers of care.

From my perspective she doesn’t seem alone with a sister and niece . Taking on a elderly person is a full time job . She may have lost her ability to function independently. She may need someone to talk to . Have you spoken with the sister and niece they may know the full picture .

Maybe watch a Romantic Doctor Tv show.

Pause at every scene not located in the hospital.

Then, imagine grandmother there in each scene.

Handsome newlywed doc comes home and wants some private romantic time with his wife. She meets him, wearing his favorite outfit. You know what comes next. But, NOPE! Grandma is there.

Beautiful Newlywed wife gets home from work. Hubby surprises her with a nice dinner, bottle wine. Will their evening end the way they would be imagining it to? NOPE. Grandma is there.

Grandma probably won’t retire to her room. That’s NOT happening.

You can imagine the rest of the scenes yourself. Grandma will be joining you for ALL of them.

This will be your life if she moves in.