Grandma wants to move in. Anyone have any advice how to handle this situation?

You have established your needs to her and you are right on as your needs must be a priority. Look at another possibility. If she has money to buy a big house with her own master suite and money to hire a come to house caregiver when needed. The preceding is a good way for her to use her money. Where you live is about double in housing costs from where grandma llives. Living together...has to do with your flexibility and way way you were raised.(she has to be treated like a renter and that may not be possable.) Sounds like she is independent and needs met. She is looking to the future and you are experiencing her desires. You have insight into your needs and you do not want interference. She will and already has psychological needs and they will grow till she emotionally will attach to you and depending on the time involved...not at present. I think you have your priorities set. So look at your grandma's needs. She has a Estate plan and will.? At the present she is o.k. where she is. What if she says ..I want to buy a big house for us. If you have a caregiving mind set and there is money to hire he help when needed.....You have decision to make. Your priority is primary. If you can live like a family and keep your priorities...it can work. You and your husband must decide.

I'm sorry, but having her move in with you would be a very bad idea. Like you said, you are newlyweds and need to settle in to your lives together. You don't know if or when her mental and/ physical status will deteriorate, then you will have your lives completely taken over by caring for her! Read the many posts on this forum from people in this type of arrangement, it will only lead to a bad outcome...for you!

I suggest you have a series of honest discussions with her niece. Find out how many hours and days per week she is doing things for your grandmother. Also talk with your spouse about plans for your future - family, you working too... I would advocate to go slow on major changes in anybody's life right now. If your grandmother feels isolated, she might do better selling her home and moving into a senior community with more activities she could engage in.

Bad idea, older people can be demanding and a bit selfish. You’re seeing just the tip, it’s also a great way to ruin a relationship.
Having separate living spaces helps you keep perspective, no enmeshment.

I’m so sorry to hear about your Mom passing away. 
 
As for Grandma, good intentions are rooted in love until stuff hits the fan, over and over and over. As much as you love Mom and Grandma, you cannot replace your Mom in caring for Grandma. Please don't buy a house so you can move Grandma in with you. Buy a house so you can start a family if/when the time is right for you and DH. You can still have Grandma move *near* you, on her dime and effort. Set your boundaries now and make it *absolutely* clear how busy you are (and will be) and that you’ll try to see each other X times every month. You are not her caregiver, yet you can provide the local numbers for what she needs and she can figure out how to make it work. Whatever you decide, make sure it works for *you* and do not oblige Grandma. Her issues, including her anxiety, are not your problem. I speak from experience moving MIL in with us and only realizing afterwards I should have set boundaries a long time ago.
 
MIL
moved in with us almost 6 years ago. DS was 3 months old and DD was 2. MIL got sick
before she got old and “retired” at 58, penniless except for SS disability
checks. Now 71, she claimed she needed *us* instead of her other son and 3
siblings because DH (my husband) was the only person in the world who wouldn't
mind the burden. I was in Newborn Baby Haze and would have gladly agreed on a
move to Mars. Since she moved in with us, MIL resents everyone, including her grandkids
(now 6 and 8) and I am the scapegoat for letting them cry, scream and stomp and
run around. MIL is deeply upset with the constant noise and mostly remains in
her space, totally miserable. No dinners together, no nice conversations, no anything
unless she has a flat tire or needs more money from us. The resentment seeping from
her room is palatable and makes everyone anxious. We are in a different age
bracket from you and your Grandma, but we also started out with the best
intentions rooted in love, mercy and GOTTA HELP HER at whatever cost and ON HER
TERMS. We would have hurt her so much if we didn’t oblige her, so we thought. After
5+ years of walking on egg shells, I would have preferred a move to Mars. 
 
Recently DH finally understood a move to Mars would have been better than moving MIL in with us. Now we are trying to force MIL to grow up and take responsibility for herself and get on low-income benefits and move into assisted housing (another story). She accused me of wanting to move her closer to death. I didn’t remind her she was given 6 months to live 6 years ago. Bottom line is I want joy and happiness in my home, not constant misery. There are still ways to help without inviting a 24/7 burden on you that will become heavier and more difficult over time. How would you be able to care for Grandma in your home as you’re trying to cope with a baby crying all day and night? As you start a family, your attention will be focused on baby/ies 200% and on Grandma 0.1%. It will be completely stressful for you even without Grandma around (sorry, that’s just how it is unless you have a LOT of help).
 
It hasn’t all been negative, especially in the very beginning when our hearts were bursting with good intentions. I do love MIL in my own way, but I do not like her anymore and can hardly wait for her to move out.

It may be best to just say NO. End the discussion with a final NO. It will stop the anxiety you feel about it.

Moving a relative into the home rarely works out, even when the first reaction is "oh, please, move in with us we would love to have you." If there is any doubt at all there is probably no hope that it could ever work out. Instead, perhaps you can reassure your grandmother that she is and always will be an important part of your life.

Instead, you can see her a couple of times each week, have a meal with her, take her shopping or sight-seeing. When you have your baby a built-in baby sitter might seem nice, but your total lack of privacy as a couple will more than cancel out that benefit. Trust your instincts on this, I think they are good.

Bringing in an extra person during the pandemic or anytime, leaves your home open to visitors of the added person. Their Covid guidelines might not match yours. Their schedule might not match yours.

They may come, expect to spend the night with 'grandma', after all, she is our relative-we always stay with her when we are in town, and she lives here!

This means unexpected guests you will be expected to accommodate. Maybe not your choices any longer.

Please, please listen - DO NOT ALLOW HER TO LIVE WITH YOU. She is old and more physical and mental issues will be appearing. Live your lives while you still can and take care of yourselves first - don't let her destroy the life you can have without her being there. Look after her and seek out the best options but make it plain that these are the only options and let her choose so she feels she has some input. Do not give in no matter how hard things get. Stand your ground or you will live to regret it. Fact of life - don't make a mistake. She lived her life and now it is your turn.

Dont do it.

If you have an apartment, offer to get her an apartment in your complex.

If you are leasing a house, she is going to have to wait till the lease is up, and you can look for a house with a smaller guest house on the property for her.

You won't be able to have privacy, start a family, or have guests with grandmother in your house.

I can't imagine why she would want to be in the same house, unless she wants to be able to access you and your husband at all times. Which is not conducive to married life.

Please be firm and do NOT allow this to happen. My mum has lived with me for 5 years and it has ruined my physical and mental health. It will definitely affect your relationship and could realistically end it. Old people can be very selfish and manipulative so that they get their own way, only thinking of what they want and not what's best for others. And as she needs more care it will only get worse. My mum has been ill today and I haven't been able to help her as I am recovering from a fall and also have Covid. Also what about when you want to go out, have friends round, have a holiday? All that stopped for me. Please think very hard about it.

“Who Will Take Grandma?”

Who will take grandma, who will it be?
All of us want her – I’m sure you’ll agree.
Let’s call a meeting – Let’s gather the clan,
Let’s get it settled as soon as we can.
In such a big family, there’s certainly one,
Willing to give her a place in the sun.
Strange how we thought she’d never wear out,
But see how she walks? – It’s arthritis no doubt.
Her eyesight is faded, her memory is dim,
She’s apt to insist on the silliest whim.
When people get older they become such a care,
She must have a home, but the question is where?
Remember the days when she used to be spry?
Baked her own cookies and made her own pie,
Helped us with lessons and tended our seams,
Kissed away troubles and mended our dreams?
Wonderful Grandma, we all love her so,
Isn’t it dreadful she’s got nowhere to go?
One little corner is all she would need,
A shoulder to cry on, a Bible to read.
A chair by the window with the sun shining through,
Some pretty spring flowers all covered in dew.
Who’ll warm her with love so she won’t mind the cold?
Oh, who will take grandmother now that she’s old?
What! Nobody wants her? Oh yes there is One,
Willing to give her a place in the sun,
Where she won’t have to worry or wonder or doubt,
And she won’t be our problem to bother about,
Pretty soon now, God will give her a bed,
But who’ll dry our tears when dear Grandma is dead?
—Author Unknown

"What Goes Around Comes Around."

Hi, I will share my experience. I support parents living at home as long as is reasonable and possible. It is said that home care over the long term is less expensive than being in a home or assisted living. My Mom moved from her apartment that was an hour away and inconvenient for use to assist her 3 years ago. It was my daughter and my request that she move closer. We would have preferred she go to the assisted living home that is 2 blocks from our home, instead of our home but she refused, so far it has worked out ok.

Boundaries:
You need to set boundaries. I am not her personal driver, her companion, her nurse, her maid, I am her daughter. Living closer or in the same house does not change that. She had a cleaning lady in her apartment, and when she moved in with us, she still has her cleaning lady, a service to help with meals, uses a taxi to get to her appointments, and PSW to assist with any personal things. She can choose to go out to see her friends or go shopping, it is not my issue if she does not do this.

Home and safety:
We had to do a lot of changes to our home for her safety and comfort. Floors changed, lift installed, lights, handrails. You can ask a service for support with this. Elderly people have different needs. It is costly, but necessary. I am still working on this, the urgent things got done first.

Shared and private spaces:
I recommend that you have separate spaces for living, bedroom, bathroom, and entrance if possible. We share in our house, the laundry and she has to share the kitchen but she is not allowed to use the stove for safety, she has a small kitchenette in her apartment. This means that we all have our own spaces and we respect these areas. She watches murder she wrote 12 hours a day, this would drive me crazy.

Expectations:
I think you need to have a chat with her and clarify her expecations. I am pretty sure my Mom when she moved here expected the family to be around for company. The result was we are not, we are all working different hours, and gone most of the time. We rarely sit down together, not like when my kids were young. We always did make time to take her to appointments when she was not able to go herself, and we still do that. Being here it is much easier for us to plan and schedule, but I also have our PSW service who is backup for this. We cannot take off work every time she needs to go to an appointment. The proximity does make it easier for the family to assist than before. One of the benefits of the move was she could garden at our house. This enabled her to get outside, walk a bit and wander around the yard. When she was in the apartment, her trip would be to the mailbox inside the building. She was isolating herself in her apartment as she does here. That much did not change. She needs to take ownership of her choice of companions and social activities, not you.

Monitoring and safety:
Another thing we had to do was install cameras and other tools to monitor and provide safety, fall and emergeny call buttons, phones with quick call buttons, additional smoke alarms. These things help us monitor her and call for help when needed.

Visitors:
You will need to have a different approach to visitors in the house, contact tracing, etc. As my mother lives in a separate apartment, we have a solution is that visitors do not go into that section of the house, or the common areas. You would also do this when you have young children.

Overall, it is possible to do, but it is a change for everyone, set the right expectations and respect boundaries when living in a common home and it can work.

Chipmonk is a new poster and this is the first post. Profile says ‘I am caring for SOMEONE’, and click on someone for a very very long list of issues. Chipmonk has to be getting a lot of help if this is home care, and something tells me that Chipmonk isn’t female and isn’t doing much of it. And his poetic ‘dear Grandma’ is rushing towards ‘her place in the sun’ where ‘God will give her a bed’, after she has left her ‘little corner’ with a ‘bible to read’. Pass the sick bag, Alice.

Perhaps Chipmonk and Bevthegreat could start messaging each other and leave the rest of us to cope with reality. Jlastwood’s is real, and Chipmonk’s SOMEONE is unlikely to be behaving in the same way as J’s.

Don’t do it! I can’t imagine asking to move in with my granddaughter even though I know she loves me but she has her own life. Especially as a fairly new bride, it would be so bad on your marriage to have someone that sounds like she would be interfering. As a new wife, you or your husband should be able to walk around in your undies, or with no undies, have sex in the living or in the shower. You don’t want your grandmother there to stop all of that. My friend’s mother was around 90 and she was nosy, she would hide behind doors to listen to what was going on or being said. Her daughter lived with her and she controlled everything and everybody. Tell your grandmother no because your newlyweds and you want that time to be alone. Also, you may have kids. Would she want to listen to a crying baby. That lady that lived with her mother couldn’t bring her grandkids around because they made her mother nervous.

I would say no.

Most times you are setting yourself up for abuse. The fact that she is pressuring you says she is not willing to listen to you. If she is like that now, imagine what she would be like as your house boss.

If she owns the house she can blackmail and domineer you.

Do not let her move in with you. If she must be closer, get her an apartment in an Assisted Living facility.

What do you tell her? "Grandma, I love you dearly, but it just wouldn't work out"(period). If she keeps up, hang up the phone, or leave. Please do not let an anxious old lady wreck your life. She is not thinking about you, she is thinking about herself. I have a granddaughter who is 30. I would never live with her.

I am 87 and I approve this message Marykathleen

In my humble opinion I agree with everyone who thinks the cons outweigh the pros- and on another angle it would be super- hard I think to arrange medical care networks in a new city- so maybe that alone could be your response- but obviously for any semblance of a normal life for you and your new husband the answer weighs on the no side. what does she say are reasons for wanting to leave a city where she's well-established? Doesn't make sense from any angle.

kelseybuhnelsey: Imho, your answer should be "No, grandma, you cannot, nor SHOULD not live with us." Her plan is skewed from the start. The co-mingling of monies may become an issue if your grandmother ever needs to apply for Medicaid should she require nursing home care. The elder doesn't get to decide anything that is so life changing. Not to mention the implications in regard to the Novel Coronavirus - the guidelines set in place by your area are of paramount importance.

Do not do it. Your intuition is correct in thinking this is a bad idea. I wanted to help my parents and we let them move in almost a year ago. My father has became very hard to care for with late stage alzheimers and my mother wants to take over our home, our living room, our personal space, (My intention was to give them the family room, attached bedroom and bathroom), no, instead are in our space constantly with no way to get away. If we try to watch a show she complains all through it. We offer to take them places, she never wants to go. Then complains that she never gets to go anywhere. If I had a chance to do it again, I wouldn't. Find another way. I had a soft spot and wanted to help but it has turned our lives upside down and my husband and son dread to come home. It looks like it may get ugly too because we are having to ask them to go home, they have a home and she takes attitude and tells me they aren't going anywhere! They are going! Bottom line...don't do it!!! I could go on and on with reasons not to. I love my parents but not in my home. This has been and still is a terrible experience. We set boundaries.. she don't care! Don't make the same mistake.

Very good advice from some concerning loss of privacy, spontaneity, intimacy, etc. needed for a newly married couple especially with husband in residency. If you google measuring stressors in your life, you'll find out that you already have enough. Adding your anxious grandmother in the household would increase it even higher. You might be her granddaughter but you're not her mother nor caregiver. You aren't responsible for her but can help her. If she's willing to move to a colder climate (St Louis), you can help her find a 55+ apartment complex or a maintenance-free home or senior living community where you can visit or have lunch or dinner together as time allows. Have a conversation with her but keep your boundaries clear. You could also help her find a similar situation there in AZ if she chooses to stay there. Contact an center for aging for resources available for her no matter what she decides.

Your grandma is already trying to bully you into letting her move in. Imagine how she will be if she actually lives in your house. The carrot she is dangling in front of you in regards to buying a house so she can live with you is not worth the snare you will be caught in if you decide to proceed with this.

Don't. Your husband is about to become a doctor and if you don't want to lose your doctor husband, I suggest u help grandma into an assisted living home if she doesn't feel safe being alone. It's hard to be firm with people when you love them but you don't owe ANYONE losing your marriage or years of your life as an unpaid slave caregiver. And that's exactly what you would be - it's an extra job and strain and it will ruin your marriage so don't do it. It would be different if you had a ton of money, an extra casita in the back of your house and money for around the clock care, but it sounds like you both are just getting started in life and it's hard enough thus day and age without having to caregive when you DONT have to. There is NOTHING wrong with living in a nursing home despite all the talk about feeling abandoned or feeling old- they are feelings, not reality. Help her see that there's some nice places she can go to and even go with her to check them out but moving in is absolutely not an option. I promise u it WILL hurt your marriage and change the entire trajectory of your future so don't do it.

Nervous Grandma who would control your every movement. My Mom even needs to know who I talked to on the phone and what was said. Even the scam calls.
I dearly wish I had asked this question on this site before I moved in with my Mom to care for her. I'm not young, she is 95, but my life is hers now and it is very hard to say NO all day long to an elderly relative. It will be all day.
Why is this such an important move for her right now? Does she notice she needs more constant help than the niece is already giving? Be sure to talk to the Niece who sees her all the time!

No, do not let her move in with you if you are about to have little babies. Being a new mom is stressful enough without an 88 year old roommate looking over your shoulder and giving you zero privacy. I regret letting my father in law move in with us. He’s been here for 7 years and refuses to go live with his other son who has no kids and tons of money. Feel like I have 3 children instead of 2. It’s a terrible burden and I do NOT want you to go through that pain. Find another option. You will be happier.

Even if you had been married 20 years I would say NO, but you are newlyweds, so HECK NOOOO!

i look back to my own newlywed years and, well, all the spontaneous FUN newlyweds have all over the house at random times. Nothing will KILL a mood faster than grandma hollering your name, wondering what all that noise is in the next room or yelling for u to bring her a glass of water.

Move heaven and earth to help her downsize and move to a Senior living apartment, but NOT your house!

I wish I would have read this advice before I let my grandmother move in with us. She is 84 and we are early 30s with a 3 year old son.

We thought it would be the best for all of us for her to move in with us and on paper, it made sense. We would all be saving money because housing is so expensive in Florida (where we all are now) and could be closer to each other since we're still grieving the death of my dad/ her son that was supporting her in Kansas City, MO who passed away a little over a year ago. We were renting a house at the time while looking for houses so we decided that buying a house that would accommodate all of us would make the most sense financially. She had stayed with us in the rental house months before making this decision and everything seemed fine.

After moving in to the new house in October 2021, her mental state completely broke down to a level we were not prepared to deal with as a young family. We ultimately resorted to moving her into independent living because we couldn't live with feeling like were constantly walking on eggshells around her. Also her need for care increased substantially with her deteriorating mental state so she needed so much help getting to doctor appointments and running general errands. She is well enough for independent living now, but we anticipate needed to use the memory care option soon. Now we have to pay for her care and living as well as the large house we bought to give us all space. We plan to sell the house by the end of this month and downsize in order to pay for everything.

It was a traumatic learning experience for us to realize that no matter what you do for family, or what you think is the right thing to do, they could still treat you terribly and make you guilty beyond belief.

I want to tell you that no matter what you do, she probably won't be happy and you all will probably not be happy either. Unfortunately, it sounds like your grandmother has been living on her own for a very long time (mine did too) and she will have her ways of doing things and will expect you to accommodate. All you can do is help in the ways that feel good to you and your husband and don't help in those that make you feel uncomfortable. Just stand firm and be honest and open. Feelings will probably be hurt but you need to be ok with that and know that you're doing your best without sacrificing your life. Our heartache could have been avoided if we just listed to our gut instinct (which sounds to me that your gut is saying no as well) and not our heads. I sincerely hope this helps and I wish you all the best!

She is asking you to turn your new lives upside down when she isn’t even willing to try to get out and meet new friends. Perhaps you tell her you’ll revisit the subject once she’s put the effort in too. I’m in same situation with my mother and I hated seeing her decline in attitude which led to her playing the victim. As soon as I had a couple of hard convos with her she decided to start taking my advice. All is much better now. Remember the vow made to your husband and also that she’s already trying to control you. Not a good sign.

Please, please, please DO NOT ALLOW AN OLD PERSON TO COME AND LIVE WITH YOU - YOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE A LIFE - AND WHAT HAPPENS AS SHE GETS OLDER AND WORSE? Do not do it. Provide for her in other ways, caretaker, assisted living, etc. but do not bring someone into your home - you have no idea what is in store for you. Stand firm - tell her your life style will NOT PERMIT THIS.

you gave her an option, in a few years. Her not liking it is her issue and should not put pressure on you. If she in any way pressures you, then that is a clear sign the relationship of her living there will be hard.

She is welcome to find a condo near you. But living IN a home is opening you up to being a "caretaker", some elderly sit back and ask for more help than they need.

Her statement to do it now and not interested in an apartment near you is selfish and bossy. So it appears it is best to never accept her offer and stay firm in your request she can move near only works for you.