My husband and I are in our late 20s/early 30s and have been married just over a year. We currently live in St. Louis, MO where my husband is in his 3rd year of medical residency. My 86 year old grandma lives in Hot Springs, AR where she has been for at least 20 years. Recently, she has started pressuring us to let her live with us.
For some context, my grandpa passed away over a decade ago. My mom died from cancer almost 6 years ago, and she was my grandma's only child. The reason my grandma has remained in Hot Springs so long is because she has a sister and a niece (in her 50s) living nearby.
Physically, my grandma has been pretty healthy her whole life and able to live independently. She does have trouble driving at night or long distances. She recently has had some weakness from artery blockages, but my husband spoke with her doctors, and she got a stent and has been doing okay. Her niece does freelance work, so in her free time she has helped my grandma with housework/yard work/ grocery runs (especially during Covid). She also has been taking my grandma to doctors' appointments for her stent and inviting her over for holidays.
Covid has been bad for my grandma. She's always been a very anxious person, and now she is more isolated. She lost touch with all her friends in Hot Springs and doesn't seem interested in getting reconnected or meeting new friends. Even though she has her sister and her niece, she doesn't like to reach out to them to make plans. She says she is all alone, and she wants to live with us. She wants us to break our current lease and buy a house. She would sell her house to pay the downpayment on this new house.
I've told her we would be open to her living with us in 2-3 years when my husband is done with residency, and we are more financially established. She doesn't like that answer because it isn't soon enough. I'm not sure I like that answer either because I'm nervous about living with her at all. We are newlyweds and hoping to start a family in the next couple years. I love her but am concerned what having her around all the time would mean for our ability to live as we please. She can be particular and is very anxious (ex: she gets nervous every time I go for a run by myself or go anywhere by myself). I'm wondering what it would be like to have my grandma there all the time while also starting our own family.
I've offered other options (she come visit us, she come buy an apartment near to us), but she is not interested in any of them. She just wants to buy a house for us and move in with us. And she wants to do it now.
Anyone have any advice how to handle this situation? Or positive experiences of their older relatives living with them? I feel like I'm the one responsible for my grandma's care since my mom died, but I also feel anxious every time she brings this up.
Look for an excellent assisted living facility close by where she can have her own furniture and stuff. Visit her as often as possible. There will be people in her own age range as well as activities. Should she start to require more care she will already be positioned to get the help she needs. Assisted living places have different tiers of care.
The way to handle the situation is:
* Clearly and honestly communicate your desires.
"No, this won't work out for us." ... as she may keep pushing / pressuring (which will likely not stop as she believes she can wear you down... AND DON'T LET HER), say:
I would be very happy to help you find a senior community residency / apartment so we can stay connected in ways that WORK FOR BOTH OF US (or all of us).
* DO NOT give her specifics . . . we are going to start a family . . . we are newlyweds . . . She WON'T CARE. (Going on and on is guilt talking).
1) Be firm; 2) Be confident in what you want to do and say; 3) Don't elaborate. 4) as / if she continues to push (on the phone, trying to make a case for herself, say "I'll give you some time to think about my decision (NOTE: DECISION is the word to use) and let me know if I can help you find a living situation close by (or in the county, state, etc.).
You must feel and know in your gut and heart that you and your husband deserve the time and privacy to start your own lives. I am sure it is very stressful now for both of you, with your husband in medical residency.
* If you start to feel bad/guilt/or wobbling in your decision (help her get her own place), come back here and we'll perk / prompt you up again.
* I truly believe that if you allow her to move it, it would be hell for everyone and you, your husband and the relationship will suffer/be challenged and then on top of that, you may have a child and be a new mother.
* If it might help, write out your thoughts and feelings and send her a LOVING (and clear and direct) letter - something she can refer to. Tell her you love her. While she may not appreciate being around others in her own age bracket and privy to some social events (Covid excepted) / develop new friendships with others, you can mention this - even find photos, words from elder care housing websites.
- The plus to writing it out is that you can ask her to refer 'to my letter' - if she keeps saying the same thing.
You must listen to your anxiety and trust your inner self.
If she can buy a house, let her get a two bedroom - one for her and one for a housemate or caregiver (if needed).
She is giving you HUGE RED FLAGS ... insisting (?) to do this NOW. This shows she doesn't have the ability or sensibility to respect you/your husband and potential family. As someone said below, her consciousness / mindset / intellect / neediness / mental-cognitive functioning will decline.
- You can help her understand her FEARS. She may not understand them herself. Ask her what her fears are and address each one. Let her know that you will support her and be with her 'as you can' - you must set boundaries or she'll steam roll all over you. You cannot let that happen.
* She is fortunate to have the $ to buy a house. Let her. Tell her you will help her find a good realtor if she wants to buy a house. Share with her HOW it would would be much better for her to move into an elder community (levels of care, food / restaurant, activities, new friends, etc. She will not be alone.
Gena / Touch Matters
If grandma can live alone, then she should. At the very least, move to independent living at a community nearby you. Yes that is an apartment situation but she would be among folks her own age. Eating, drinking, swimming, and various other forms of socialization are offered in senior communities as such.
Having her live with you will likely have a bad outcome in your relationship with her and has a great potential to cause stress in your marriage.
My mother is 89. I love her but I cannot have her live with me. She is extremely self centered. If things don’t go her way there’s Hell to pay. I’ve suggested she move to a senior community but she’ll have none of it. That’s her choice. She has to live with the consequences of her decisions. The same for you grandma. Yes you love her but you are not responsible for her. Provide the care you can but it likely would cause turmoil in your home if granny is around.
Let her down gently but do tell her that living with you is not a possibility.
Please think carefully before you do anything to change her location. At the stage of life you are in, you may well want to make a move within several years. It seems to me that for now, at least, staying in her community would be the best choice. A discussion about ensuring social and other support as she ages may be helpful. Finding ways to make herself useful to others in her community can be part of that.
And then change the subject immediately. It helps to have a couple of subjects ready, no matter how trivial (like the weather) to pivot to in those situations.
She offered her advise if I asked. Remember, she has been there, done that. She has lived through hard times and good times.
When she comes, you can see about Medicare/medicade paying you for her care. This would enable a fund to be started to place her in a nursing home near the end.
She is your flesh. She gave you life essentially. Dont turn her away.
If you discovered tomorrow that you were pregnant, would you give it up so you two can have " romance" on the couch?
Take her. The rewards outweigh the bad in the long run. BTW, do you know what her financials are? Your Grandma maybe choosing the heat bill over food or medications. The gifts she gives for holidays or birthdays may be costing dearly for her. I dont think my 23 or 19 year old girls if they had to take my mother had I passed, would hesitate. They would be helping her move.
I don't like driving at night either and I'm not that old. It is just a different time for some of us and there is really no reason to be out in the late evenings. Plus, parking is a problem here in the District of Columbia especially after 6:00 pm. It's like you are a slave to this neighborhood.
Deconstructing your situation further, how is the actual ownership of the house going to work out? And what's going to happen if a fabulous opportunity comes up for you or your husband for work and you want or have to move? You're not responsible for your grandma, but you are responsible for your marriage. Focus on that.
You really don’t know what you are signing up for here. Let me tell you, when I stepped in to oversee my mother’s care, no medical staff wanted to take on telling me what was really going on with her. My mother lived long distance and we didn’t talk for many years. I wasn’t seeing the real picture. You are not seeing your grandmother every day. And your grandmothers regular doctors are not seeing her every day unless she has a visiting doctor that comes to her home and sees how she is living. So when she comes to the office to see her doctor she may be putting on a good show. Trying to assess her ability to live independently long distance is not adequate. I am not being cruel when I say you can’t trust what she is telling you. She may be experiencing a cognitive decline. You can’t make a rushed decision based on guilt or a feeling of obligation. You can’t give in to her demands. Would you give in to anyone else’s demands? It sounds like your grandmother is desperate. But you need to be practical and informed.
You can be a “good” granddaughter by insuring she is safe and has care. And keeping her finances safe. That doesn’t mean she has to move in with you. You need to plan a visit and see for yourself what is going on. My mother hid her dementia and physical ailments from me and everyone. So she disconnected from everyone around her and was very secretive. And she would tell people she could drive during the day just fine when in fact her car wasn’t running and she hadn’t driven in many months.
You need to tell your grandmother that it’s time to make a practical plan. And moving in with you and giving you a down payment is not practical. She won’t like it but that’s the way it is. She needs all her legal documents in place. She should have a visiting home doctor or nurse. You need to research supportive services in her area, and cost of senior housing both close to you and close to her as services and costs of care vary. I chose to move my mother close to me because I could not schlep back and forth for every crisis and the cost of care was much cheaper near me. But I would never move her in with me. You need to understand that at 86 your grandmother is old and could decline quite rapidly.
Just coordinating my mother’s care and managing her finances has been emotionally exhausting. I cleaned up a real mess. I say this with love: don’t bite off more than you can chew. Find an elder care attorney and pay for a consultation. Talk to your local office on aging. Read some stories here about people that have moved in to take care of loved ones and now regret it as their lives fall apart. Good luck!
You do not want an elderly relative living with you, you will become a carer and it will eat into your life.
Just say that you and your husband has discussed this in depth and neither feel it would be healthy for your marriage to have a 3rd person in the home.
if she needs company and help suggest a good AL place and leave it.
In senior living, she will have companionship, interesting things to do, fewer errands like grocery shopping etc.
DO not have her move in with you.
Don't do it. You aren't the people who can give her what she needs. I spoke to a woman at a senior center, and she told me that no one shows up at senior or assisted living wanting to do it. Then they get used to it and most of the time benefit from it.
second, if your grandmother makes the down payment on a home for you…that is gifting. When your grandmother runs out of money, or needs to be placed in AL , Medicaid will place penalties..where would your grandmother go…
3rd , your young and eventually probably will resent taking care of your grandmother, havoc on your marriage …
you could move her into AL near you. She will need someone to oversee things eventually, and if you decide that’s going to be you, make sure all the power of attorney’s are in place, will, and living will. But move in , would be a hard no… you will become a nurses aide.
Kelsey, please heed what others have said, and reread Annabelle18's response multiple times. They're not exaggerating. There are no words to describe how this situation would change you into something less than you knew you could even be. I've now lost 9 full months of my life, and resentment, anger, frustration, and feelings of never-ending hopelessness (as Annabelle18 put it) have been a constant companion this entire time already because of the situation dumped on me -- and my parent doesn't even live with me. How much worse it would be if he did, I can't even let myself imagine. I've become a shell of a person, to the point where my husband is constantly angry and depressed about the person I've become as a result of this burden. The therapy we need right now is indescribable.
You need to avoid this fate, for yourself and for your husband, at all costs. Do not leave that door open about living with your grandmother: shut it tight ASAP and throw away the key. Family household caregiving situations only work when they are mutually planned over time, desired, and consciously and willingly chosen, NOT out of pressure from one side. Do NOT let someone else choose your (and your husband's) fate for you.
I read a meme once that I saved: "Sometimes my heart needs time to accept what my mind already knows." Your mind and body already know the answer here -- and, frankly, so does your heart. As difficult as it is, you need to get the strength up right now to have the hard conversation and say definitively and firmly No, or else you will spend the rest of your life suffering far more difficult circumstances as a result. Self-preservation is not selfish. Building your own life is not selfish. Choosing your own fate is not selfish. Prioritize the life and spouse and future you chose.
You're out of line with that comment and really don't sound like you've experienced OP's situation- except from the other side.
Having anyone added to the mix, especially in a young marriage, is quite disruptive and grandmother sounds quite opinionated.
And name calling is never helpful.
One other point, it never gets easier. Right now is the easiest it will be. What comes later, is always harder to deal with. Even without dementia rearing its ugly head, capacity diminishes, the body fails, you wind up doing more and you start to feel obligated.
Find another way.