I feel like it's me or her and I cannot let her consume my life.
My mother is 91 and has blocked carotid arteries. I am starting to wonder if she has vascular dementia. She talks to herself and then says it wasn't her talking.She always thinks I am plotting to send her to a nursing home. She is completely deaf and I write everything down for her so she understand but she continues to talk negatively about me all of the time when I am the only family member taking care of her. I am getting annoyed by her accusations and demands for things. She doesn't ask politely for things, she just says "get me this or get me that". I feel a little courtesy and grattitude would go a long way. I have a full time career and I am taking care of her too. A little more background, until January 2016 she was living on her own, then she had surgery and I took her into my home as she could not live alone anymore. My siblings wanted to put her in a home. In any event, they don't check in on her, it's all on me. I would not mind and took her in because I didn't think she belonged in a home yet, but a year later I am wondering what I got myself into. I have no motivation, I don't exercise anymore. It's all about her and she says "it's owed to her". I am getting to the point I may have to put her in a facility because I feel like it's me or her and I cannot let her consume my life. Any advise, words of wisdom etc?
Don't sacrifice yourself at the altar of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Value yourself, and make plans for her to live somewhere else.
Can you take a little time to make sure things go as smoothly as possible for both you and her ?
Do you have financial and medical power of attorney? Does mom have financial resources to pay for a facility ? Does she need skilled living or would assisted living or a residential board and care facility be suitable ? If mom needs to qualify for Medicaid- long term govt financial aid - have you looked at the Medicaid website
If all this sounds new or overwhelming then catch your breath and try to locate some resources to help guide you - Internet research, elder law attorney or geriatric care manager or county social worker
Perhaps you already know that Medicare will pay for only a short stay in a nursing home following a 3 day hospital stay
One person doing all the work, is almost impossible, as you do lose your sense of self!
No, you cannot let her consume your life! You must be in your 60's, and coming up on your own retirement age, and these are very important years towards you preparing financially for the best in that, so I think if you can find her a good Nursing home, where your siblings will come to see her, and you can get on with reconnecting with your life, family and friends, it would probably be the best case scenario for everybody.
Do you have caregivers, coming in while you are away at work during the day?
Does your Mom have a Narcissistic personality, as it does sound like she does have some tendencies toward that, with her lack of appreciation and her thinking that you are plotting against her. With her using tactics of FOG = Fear, Obligation and Guilt, she may fit the bill. I notice that your other siblings didn't "step up", and want to help, or offer you assistance in her care, perhaps they have already figured this out, and have set up their own "boundries", as children of Narcissistslearn to do. Think about that.
You don't owe her your life, you do owe her a safe and caring place to live, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it has to be with you!
I hope you find the peace you are seeking.
So, Continue to read here on the AC board, as there are many people in your same shoes, Me included, who are learning the way out of being the Only ones who take on the responsibility of the caregiving of their parents. It shouldn't only be on you, and there are other resources out there to help you through this!
Keep reading, and researching a way, to get your life back! You can do this! Good luck!