I am getting to the point I may have to put Mom in a facility. Any advise, words of wisdom etc?
I feel like it's me or her and I cannot let her consume my life.
My mother is 91 and has blocked carotid arteries. I am starting to wonder if she has vascular dementia. She talks to herself and then says it wasn't her talking.She always thinks I am plotting to send her to a nursing home. She is completely deaf and I write everything down for her so she understand but she continues to talk negatively about me all of the time when I am the only family member taking care of her. I am getting annoyed by her accusations and demands for things. She doesn't ask politely for things, she just says "get me this or get me that". I feel a little courtesy and grattitude would go a long way. I have a full time career and I am taking care of her too. A little more background, until January 2016 she was living on her own, then she had surgery and I took her into my home as she could not live alone anymore. My siblings wanted to put her in a home. In any event, they don't check in on her, it's all on me. I would not mind and took her in because I didn't think she belonged in a home yet, but a year later I am wondering what I got myself into. I have no motivation, I don't exercise anymore. It's all about her and she says "it's owed to her". I am getting to the point I may have to put her in a facility because I feel like it's me or her and I cannot let her consume my life. Any advise, words of wisdom etc?
One person doing all the work, is almost impossible, as you do lose your sense of self!
No, you cannot let her consume your life! You must be in your 60's, and coming up on your own retirement age, and these are very important years towards you preparing financially for the best in that, so I think if you can find her a good Nursing home, where your siblings will come to see her, and you can get on with reconnecting with your life, family and friends, it would probably be the best case scenario for everybody.
Do you have caregivers, coming in while you are away at work during the day?
Does your Mom have a Narcissistic personality, as it does sound like she does have some tendencies toward that, with her lack of appreciation and her thinking that you are plotting against her. With her using tactics of FOG = Fear, Obligation and Guilt, she may fit the bill. I notice that your other siblings didn't "step up", and want to help, or offer you assistance in her care, perhaps they have already figured this out, and have set up their own "boundries", as children of Narcissistslearn to do. Think about that.
You don't owe her your life, you do owe her a safe and caring place to live, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it has to be with you!
I hope you find the peace you are seeking.
So, Continue to read here on the AC board, as there are many people in your same shoes, Me included, who are learning the way out of being the Only ones who take on the responsibility of the caregiving of their parents. It shouldn't only be on you, and there are other resources out there to help you through this!
Keep reading, and researching a way, to get your life back! You can do this! Good luck!
Can you take a little time to make sure things go as smoothly as possible for both you and her ?
Do you have financial and medical power of attorney? Does mom have financial resources to pay for a facility ? Does she need skilled living or would assisted living or a residential board and care facility be suitable ? If mom needs to qualify for Medicaid- long term govt financial aid - have you looked at the Medicaid website
If all this sounds new or overwhelming then catch your breath and try to locate some resources to help guide you - Internet research, elder law attorney or geriatric care manager or county social worker
Perhaps you already know that Medicare will pay for only a short stay in a nursing home following a 3 day hospital stay
Don't sacrifice yourself at the altar of FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Value yourself, and make plans for her to live somewhere else.
How many local siblings do you have, that can help you to look at Independent living places? I think its time to rally the troops and cry UNCLE!
They all recognized that she would be too demanding for them to manage, and it doesn't sound like they have stepped up to help you through this past year. But now, you need their help in getting Mom to recognize that she will probably even enjoy living in a nice place, umongst her peers, even if that is sitting in her own apartment, and going down for meals. Most older ladies will soon find out that they have been missing that sort of friendships, and will soon find her participating in the activities, its all in the way in which you SELL IT!
Even my FIL has aggreed to go and visit some senior living type places, unfortunately, he will probably end up in a nursing home. But I do know, that even as Narcissistic as he is, he can see the destruction he is leaving in his wake, and is realizing it's time. Hes not going to like it, but heck, he doesn't like anything, other than being able to push my husband around to do his bidding, and hubby is disabled himself! Bad backs, and picking him up off of the floor, aren't a good mix!
I'm praying here myself, that my husband doesn't give out before his Dad does!
Caregiving Sucks!
My mother brought her mother into our home, and it was very disruptive (the dining room was turned into her bedroom). My mother worked, and it was only a (short) matter of time that something else needed to be done because my grandmother was getting out and wandering. So she put her in a nursing home, and my grandmother didn't last long there (she broke her hip) before she died.
I hope all goes well with your FIL. And I hope your husband gets better soon. Please take care of yourself!!
Why the elderly are reluctant to mive into these types of facilities is beyond me, but they probably haven't seen enough of them themselves!
I sincerely hope that this all works out for you, and your Mom too! I can't think of a better way to go! Good luck! I'm so jealous! Lol!
Of course the staff would like her, she is keeping them employed.
Many elderly feel moving into these places is the
It doesn't get much better than that, so unless you plan on taking in all of the stay and ailing parents, I suggest you mind your own business! Sometimes it come to the place that you can no longer house them in your home. How long did you care for your ailing parents? Hmmm, afraid to answer that question? Well my husband and I have been housing my FIL for 13 years, try that and say that Your life hasn't been negatively affected! Try libing wkth a Narcissist, whom ylu cannot pleqse, no matter how hard you try. People, especially single people have to know when to Do the Right thing for all parties involved. The OP must think of their own lives, their health, their retirement needs, and that of other family members too! It isn't only one way, and I knits a very difficult decision to make, or else they wouldn't be on here seeking advice!
At 91, I'd like to think that the Mother in this case, would want their own Daughter, to live their life the best way possible. I think shes doing the best for all concerned.
Please, do not make people feel bad about their tough decisions! The've suffere enough!
I just considered my mother's family. My grandmother died young (60) and my grandfather lived to 78. He lived next door to my uncle and his wife. My grandfather never drove, so my uncle would help him with food and things like that. Otherwise Granddad did fine until he had a heart attack and died hours later. My aunt and my mother had no part in taking care of him, but they both put a heavy claim that their daughters owed them. Why?? And why do daughters, but not sons, owe them? And how long does it take to repay this imaginary debt?
It was different back in the old days when people did not live long after they lost their health. Strokes and heart attacks were fatal. Few people lived long enough to get dementia. My mother has lived longer than any person in her family. She is now 30 years old than her mother was and 12 years older than her father was at their times of death. The last 15 years of her life have been lived in poor health. The last 7 years have been with my help. She may live 5-10 more years. So I have this huge ethical question for a child -- how much more of my life do I owe so she can sit in her pajamas and watch TV? That sounds like a harsh question, but it is a truthful one. If I consider that only she is important, then I owe her all the time in the world. If I consider myself as important, I know that I am not living in the right reality for me.
The patient can't be blamed, because the brain truly is changing and making them behave in ways that they are not aware or control. And while that behavior may change down the road, other behaviors and disabilities may then arise as they progress. For that and other reasons, I'd make arrangements for your mom to get the care she needs elsewhere. Your duties in the home will only increase, so, I'd do it now, while you have the time to make it a smooth transition and not in crisis mode.
There is good reason that you feel low and unmotivated. Once you get your life back, see if you feel better. I'd also get an exam with your primary just to make sure you are okay. Caretaking can take a toll on your health. See if you have depression and if it's caused by having so much stress. Take care and I hope things work out well for you and your mom.
We didn't ask to be born, I'm assuming that most (well hopefully most) planned or welcomed their children into this world!
I know that 3 of my Grandparent's all died by the time I was 12 years old, and the one who Did live to be in her late 80's, whom my parents brought to this country to live with them, who cared for her in our family home, is the only one who ended up with Alzheimer's and eventually ended up living in a nursing home for the last three years of her life as a complete blank tape. Those were very hard years on my parents. But my father made it clear to her from the beginning, that his wife would come first, his six children would come second, and she would come a distant third period. My parents never put the struggles of caring for her on any of their children.
Looking at our own situation, three of our parents have now passed away 13 plus years ago, and we have been hearing for the last survivor, my FIL, for those 13 years. Our own children, are now all in their early thirties, and we do not depend on any of them for help in the care of my husband's dad now nearly 87 years old. Who by the way, never spent one hour caring for an elderly parent.
Jessie, I think that you should start a thread with that Header, BIRTH CERTIFICATES SHOULD COME WITH A "PAID IN FULL STAMP" ON THEM, I'll support you, as will many of us, as people shouldn't expect their children to be their mainstay in their elder years! I do believe that there should be governmental assistance and guidelines set up, to streamline people into helping their elderly parents into the proper programs for living and housing. People should plan for these years, not everyone can or do, especially when their biggest wage earnings years are cut at the legs, as you are forced into caring for your Senior parents.
Yes, I do believe that your children should Want to aid and assist in the guidance of getting your parents proper care and assistance, but not at the detriment of their own lives.
There are ways to do this, and I am only just learning to do this myself! We have made many mistakes along the way, as we just didn't know how, plus, we are of the generation who were groomed to do just that! We had no other examples! I wont do that to my own kids!
Plant me in a Nursing home! Ill be the sweet little old lady, who is as sweet as pie to every caregiver and aide, I'll thank everyone, and hopefully I'll be the pet Granny, whom everyone loves to wait on!
Actually, I believe you earn your Love and Respect, and I am quite sure, my kids will be there to the end with me, not because I expect them to be, but because I won't expect them to give up their lives for me, nor would I allow it! If they come to visit me in the Nursing home, it will be because they want to! I hope I can achieve just that! I've certainly made that known.
They aught to teach courses about this in high school! Eventually, everyone is faced with elderly parents and Loved ones!
That being said, you and I ( and caregivers everywhere) have to take care of ourselves. I am a couple of weeks from making the decision to move my mom because I think she needs more than me and needs to be an environment that caters to her 24/7--something I can no longer do. Whenever you make your decision, feel good that you stepped up and have taken care of her this long--many people can't. Don't feel guilty about what you have to do to reclaim your life--you would be absolutely no good to her completely burned out. My grown son who lives in NY told me he was proud of me for taking in his Nana, the only person who offered to do so. I am proud of me too.
I understand that, Thank you, but sad as it is more than likely this is the last place for OP'S mom. No, this was not the same situation for my parents. In fact my father did not have a chance to get old, since he was killed in the Vietnam War. My mom was a sweet caring person, too much so.
Lest you think I' m not speaking the truth about being the last place, there is a place that recently opened for people with Alz and dementia, where the lady interviewed proudly mentioned, once there, the patient/resident could stay there th
Why do you do that? Yes, I understand that you had a bad experience! End of life care is Rarely a pleasant journey! We all will one day degenerate and fall into the catagory of decrepit old person! Why not Try, to bolster one another up, rather than pile on the unesassary guilt, in a situation that has become unmanageable?
We all try and or are trying, to improve the situation of our LO's, and often more importantly ourselves! So many of us have been at this for years, and in my case 20+ years!
Get of you soap box, thay Nursing homes and the like, are a place to go to die, eventually! They are, of course they are! We are all going to die sometime, someplace! Hopefully it is a nice enough place, for the person concerned!
The OP is trying to make the best for the better good of All affected.
I'm tired of hearing your Negativity! Its not helpful nor Constructive!
Maren, you nailed it on the head.
Zythr, That is your narrow perspective on a situation. You didn't shed any light on the situation. Maybe some elderly do feel that way about assisted living facilities or nursing homes....but they also feel like that at home too. That is a concern she has no matter where she is. I brought my mother into my home as I thought she didn't need to be in a nursing home yet...a year later I am finding out why I was wrong...She is in no condition to make that decision on her own.