Has anyone not genuinely cared the person you have to take care of?

?
Why are you coming out in a towel and actively looking down the hall to see if he is looking at you?

Why does your mom have to bring you a Moo Moo? How does she know you will come out in the hall in only a towel and that she will have to bring you something?
If there is a male in the house who you do not want to see you then you need to take a robe into the bathroom with you. This isn't making sense to me right now.
When my brother stayed here with us I can't imagine going from the bath to my room in a towel. If I did have to come out half dressed I'd be running back to my room not looking to see if he got a look at me.

Rape and Torture books? for the SAFETY of your entire family and friends you should have told your mom and all of them. Do it now.

How about a little behavior modification???
Something unpleasant???
Would a squirt gun be considered elder abuse???
Works on the cats!!!!

It happened again. I thought he had moved on from pervy stuff, no such luck. After six hours of yard work, literally, my muscles feel all wriggly, I came in to get a shower had a towel on and as i was coming out the door he was leaned so far out of his chair I thought he was gonna fall out of it. The bathroom is behind the hall wall, you can't see it from the living room, but it didn't stop him trying.
Here's one: My MOM came as I opened the door to offer me one of her moo moos and she seemed urgent about it, I think she noticed his leering, I wonder what dutiful daughter did with THAT bit of information? I imagine she has a brain folder marked, "Things I will pretend I didn't see or hear Daddy do or say."
Reminded me of the time my grandma put a scarf on me to cover up two inches of cleavage I had showing when they were here like fifteen years ago. The lies and denial could hold up the houses foundation I swear.
What ever she tells herself, like not letting him see the health mags that come with sexual or marital aides, or keeping his viewing PG, she has no willing grasp of how his mind works. I was the one who collected his porn when we cleared out the house, I told her it was tame by today's standards, I lied to protect her, there were many instances of rape and torture of women for men's enjoyment, he had over 50 books in the garage and basement covering two or three decades. Maybe I shoulda put em in his (my old) room. Pa ha ha ha.
Now I know what my grandmother was referring to as his "dirty books". I could care less except the disgusting way it seems to focus on me and my cousins five year old daughter. How excited he gets when kissing scenes come on TV and then he would look over at me. Whether it was adults of father kissing child good night same reaction squirming, moaning,giggling excitement. God I wish he was dead. And it just goes on.
He is doing better this week and mom is glad, and even when we are outside she is focused on him. I shoula had my self committed, than maybe I could stayed there a week not 17 hours....

I am pretty sure my mom does not want family in this position over her, she plans to go to a graduated retirement, assisted, nursing home set up if it is financially feasible and at all possible and necessary depending on how long she lives etc. She is 62, I am 39. I have really never gone anywhere, done anything, known any other life and it is now my fault so it is up to me to fix it. But not just yet I guess. But my break down did seem to put some things in motion at least, the adult day care is a goer if the bus form comes through OK, and even if it didn't he could take a cab, the place is two miles away! I think I am just a coward. Or just so ill-equipped to handle life, or maybe just really immature at 39. I can't really imagine being on my own, and being as I have no money and a history of mental illness working for a living would be hard. And I would be embarrassed to try and get disability...I just have such a stupid life and am good and stuck in it....we shall see. A friend just said he is hanging on so hard he may last another decade, that is so profoundly depressing a thought I CAN'T TELL YOU!!!

Thank you everybody for your support and council it means a great deal to me. I told the discharge social worker about having an online support group and that it is a lifeline for me truly. And it is.

JSomebody,
You story touched me. Why is it that your mom makes you do the caregiving? She is the daughter. I take care of my mom and it is hard sometimes, but I love her and she is very sweet and appreciative. You do not need to put up with all that is being thrown at you. Especially that it sounds like your grandpa is a pervert. What is your situation that make you have to be the one to do all that work. I would in no way expect my daughter to take care of my mom. I don't know how old you are, but I would try to find a way to get out of your situation. Unless it is that you have no other place to go. You will end up being a caregiver all your life if you don't help yourself now.

I understand your feelings, my father has never been a nice person. I know that I am getting to the end of my rope. I am tired due to caring for him daily, mixed with the wandering at night. I am exhausted. I know it is time to seek long term care. I feel it would be best for all concerned. Stay strong everyone take care of yourselves.

Jsomebody,
Could it be possible that your mother is preparing you for her care by pushing you on her father now?
Could it be that mom has some horrid baggage with her father that renders her incapable of dealing with him?
Just a thought.....hope it's not the case.
Most of us are damaged in some respect and it often affects our motives.

GOD is our rock and our shield. May HE keep you safe and bring you peace.

JSomebody: I too enjoy your writing. Some good insights and flashes of brilliance. Right now you seem to be handling your Mother's responsibility for her father by acting as her employee/slave. Could you find a way to use your skills for 1/4-time employment or volunteer-work outside your home? Not certain if your grandfather can be left alone...or if you would need additional help while you work elsewhere. It would boost your social and work skills---a bonus your mother is enjoying at her job. She should not expect a 39-year old to be available full-time to fill in for her at home. After a time, increase your time away to half-time. Broadening your scope will open new opportunities for you. Your own survival will be critical, no matter what happens to your mother and grandfather.

People with NPD and BPD have been a wholly terror all of there lives and often become more of it as they get old. Passive men who seem to have been perverts since birth often have a tragic past that sometimes is not seen as bad or harmful since nothing physical took place but that's a topic to discuss with a therapist. Such men are easy prey for women with NPD or BPD.

Moxie Melt down!
I hear you about the heat!!! I'm on the green side of the hill. It's brutal here too. Run up those power bills! Let mom pay.
Find comfort anyway you can.
You need it!

Does GF get cranky in the heat? Let him suffer for a while.

You've got Moxie already girl! Really!
Look at the tally. 47 replies in 7 days! Keep writing!

Hey, PirateGal friend -
Her charge has been hassling her for decades. Damn, wish we could blame it on age & dementia. Sounds like he is a born pervert so behaving with his behavior does not excuse his age.

Have y'all seen the post about the elderly father being hooked in by a 25 YO massuse?
My heart goes out to that kid!

Hey J,
Pirate Gal here from the Grossed Out Post.

I have read several instances where old men do this type of thing. It's wierd that they get this sick sexual urge so late in life. I bet it grosses you out to the max when he stares at your private areas. I would keep a frumpy old housecoat moo moo over there and throw it over your clothes while you are helping him. Ha ha ha ...that should cover all your 'lovelies' and cover up the shape of your figure...that should fix his "wandering eyes". I can just see him not getting pissed off he cannot have his "fix".. LOL! Your mom shoving you at him..hmmm is that the italian mom coming out? The old country's attitude of keeping them home and dying at home?

Jasmine - I believe you mentioned your mom was always the boss do you believe she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I finally figured that out about my mom a year ago...right before her big meltdown. Seems the folks with major personality faults are just queing up in line to what leads next in old age in having Alzheimers. I don't know if my theory is 100% accurate but I am seeing a direct correlation on this. Crow if you see this post I wonder what your thoughts are on this subject.

Moxie, oh that's cool, I WANT MOXIE! Not sure how internet savvy I am, just enough to use it really. Quite if too hot today, four days of over 90 are not gonna be good, or cheap! But I have to make sure we don'
t run every appliance inn the house at the same time! Just no doin.

Hey Jen ~

How often can you use the computer?
I really think you have much to offer anyone in your similar situation.

You have dealt with so much yet continue to be articulate, often compassionate & funny!
How you inject humor into you life is amazing to me.
You have a traumatic past & presence, which, with your words, I think would help others.

Please think about creating a blog or some venue to help others who share your situation. You are not alone.
I don't know how to do it, but you seem internet savvy.

Look at the replies since you posted your first topic.
Go Girl!
You HAVE the Moxie!

SoAlone, hope you are OK, the computer, internet,house etc are my moms, I mean indigent in that I saw it in the dictionary and thought if I was on my own I literally would be indigent, I have no money, no house, no property, I'd be homeless really. I think I am already under the ground, I will just have to dig myself out again some how. Thank you for your support and comments they mean a great deal to me.

Thank you rip for your support and encouragement. It is a day by day thing here. OK today, trying not to bug people too much. Write, I don't know. I used to want to. Once a pen pal told me nastily "I just don't see you doing that." Whatever, I don't think I have much to say anyhow, who knows. I know I have no other skills.
Puppies OK next door, minus the fact they are left alone as neighbors have left town. It will be 95 degrees tomorrow, I will check on them and make sure they have water etc...

HI Jen,
Just found a moment to catch up.
I agree you should write a book! Your words are excellent! You express things in a rational way, offer insight to a horrific life that now includes caregiving, yet much more.

Sounds like you've had your share of counseliing, mental health stuff, etc. Education is nothing compared to life itself.

You'd be a great counselor for others in abusive situations. Even if online. You've touch the compassion of many people here ... think how many others are out there.

You're bright, yet down to earth & honest.
Write on!!! Please!
...I spent years working with crisis situations, placing abused kids in receiving homes, battered women in shelters & othe heartbreaking stuff.

I found the best people who encourage people to improve their lives were the people who had lived similar situations. In my book you are already a hero ~ who would help many others.

I ache for your neighbor situation. People who use animals & have no business being near one.

One suggestion, which is probably way off ... b/c of my rescued pets I ended up ripping out the carpet & laying laminate flooring - myself. Became tired of contractors who didn't return calls or bid double high since I was a lady alone.

Bought the stuff at Costco, a couple of power saws & made it happen. It was fun! I doubt you'd have encouragement from the others in your household, but I wish you could do it! (I am small but that didn't matter)

Wish we were nearby a lake to have a beer, bury our feet in the sand & whine away.
I think we'd find ourselves smiling.

PLEASE, continue to write!

Cheers ~

Rip

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement and ideas. they are all useful. I think my life just is what it is till i am able or willing to do something about it or something unexpected and catastrophic happens to change it. Correction agoraphobia had been dealt with and Thank God that is no longer an issue. I don't know what the rest is, a lot of things and being a coward. And I think our neighbor may have just killed one of the unfortunate puppies some imbecile keeps giving them, good God I hate these people...Time to contact the authorities again..

jsomebody, I just read both of your additional replies where you share more about your life story. I still say you're not a failure. What you have shared is all the more reason to not give up or give into your mother's selfishly taking advantage of your availability to care for her Dad. It takes effort, I know, to get past real emotional and psychological distress, but what is more painful to you? Is it your agoraphobia - or, is it that you feel hopeless and lost in the relationship with your mother and caring for her Dad? Also, have you shared your feelings of hopelessness about the situation with your doctor or counselor? Hope you are able to get the very best of medical support you need to help you move forward with your own life.

jsomebody, You are not a failure. Far from it! Sounds like you're feeling down because of your mother taking advantage of your generosity of spirit. Don't yield your self-confidence to your Mom's selfishness. You are just as tired as she is. You also have a right to live your own life. Your mother needs to make some decisions about the care of her Dad, it seems. If you agree, don't be afraid to let her know that. Also don't be afraid to take charge of your own life. This will run you into the ground emotionally and otherwise if you just go with the flow. If you need courage to tell your mother what you think, is there someone who can be with you when you tell her whatever you may need to convey to set yourself free? A friend? A spiritual mentor? Another family member? Please start thinking about yourself, ok? There is no need for you to put yourself last in life.

Jsomebody,
Life is what it is. Not many of us are spectacular or even leaving much of a scratch on this world so don't be hard on yourself.
My own main problem with not being happy is always thinking "I should be doing something" "I should be doing something" It can drive you nuts.

I worked for 25 years and was successful at what I did but it didn't matter in the long run. I am still depressed, worry about my dad who was not much of a dad (chased other women and left us with mom), worry about my brothers who are good people but have so many problems and are so messed up, I mostly wish I had no family so I could quit worrying about them.

Jsomebody you have a computer, somehow got access to the Internet even though you are indigent, and obviously are very good with words so you are a very capable person.

You certainly have a lot to say and you could help a lot of people and probably already have by your words. Write a book. Even if you never publish it... just write it.

Thank you for telling us your story.

People always say " Get out and live life, do this, do that" but I know it is not that easy. In the end we are all the same and all end up the same.

The only thing I really had when I was young that I felt confident and safe about was church and God. My mom was hell on wheels but for some reason she took us to church most weeks, thank goodness. A Bible church not a denominational - same presentation with robes and ceremony church, - just a decent church with individual people and Bible readings, a brief sermon you could follow in your Bible - and people you could talk to. If you could find a small church you may find some good friends and a little support. To me that is about all you can really count on in life.

Thanks again for telling us your story.

Jsomebody, although I have not personally experienced the feelings you seem to be describing, I do have a friend who had no love lost between her and the family member for whom she cared.

What I found admirable was that when her loved one needed care, she still did everything - and more - that she needed to do as her relative became weaker with each passing day. There are some folks who simply do the right thing by others regardless.

I think it happens the way FyreFly has shared with you. There comes a time in life to set aside one's personal issues and simply take care of business. As Fyre has shared, if any one of us really feels strongly that we can't take care of someone we are assisting, that is the time to ask for the help that we may need. There is no shame in seeking or needing help.

Share your feelings and emotions freely, just don't allow those feelings to get in the way of making ethical care decisions and showing some compassion to the person who may be in your care. You're safe to vent your feelings with other caregivers who will not judge you for feeling however you may feel. You're off to a good start here at AgingCare.com.

You know, a little counseling never hurts, either, if you need that. If not affordable through professional counselor, there are community and faith-based leaders who are available, willing, and also trained to offer support and who may have resources to help see you through. Find someone you trust. Even if you are not a religious person, those resources are often available to all who enter asking for any help.

Beautifully said betsymach.

Do something today jsomebody for YOU. Go get an ice cream or watch Jerry Springer or smash the hell out of a pillow. (Jerry Springer works for me bc it shows me - usually - that my family is normal!!)

You cannot be help to anyone if you are exhausted and spent.

Big freakin virtual hugs to you!! :-P

Jsomebody - I hope you can get some relief from this intolerable situation. It sounds like you are being taken advantage of by more than one member of your family and, sadly, by one, your mom, who should be interested in protecting you. It's impossible to re-write history, but hopefully you will find a way to make a more positive future for yourself. You don't have to deal with this alone. Your letter sounds like an appeal for help, don't give up on yourself. I hope you will contact some agencies in your area that will be able to give you some information, guidance, and encouragement..

Maybe I am just a coward who keeps finding reasons out side my self for not making my own life. That and too immature to really think I can take care of myself. Everything changes eventually. I need to be proactive at some point and not just lay down and hope life won't bother me too much. I agree with Ed advice about just getting out and doing it, but i think a gun held to the head would be a far easier thing to deal with in life than family, guilt and over arching fear. "Taking a gun from a would be attacker" is a whole chapter in self defense, with family abuse, it is never that straight forward. Maybe I should treat it like it is....

There is a risk of confusing being completely worn out & stressed with "not caring."

Care givers are soldiers. Right foot, left foot. Just get through each day, pray and be thankful for the time.

ALthough some on this site mock me . . . you should be proud of yourself for stepping up to the plate & being an Earth angel for a person in need. God has blessed you with the opportunity to serve someone in need. God bless you!

JEN:

No one's holding a gun to your head and forcing you to care for this "disgusting" individual. His outdoor plumbing might not work the way it used to, but he's still breathing and has feelings and of course he's going to check your body out.

Men like him have the uncanny ability to survive everyone around them, so he's not going anywhere any time soon. Moaning, groaning and wishing for his death, then, isn't going to make a difference unless you honestly explore the reasons underlying his care, take a good look at how you're living, and make an effort to enhance the quality of your life. After all, it's not really about him. ... And there's no valid reason why he should be the purpose of your day.

-- ED

Again, I cry for you. Your life with the family you have has made you who you are. I sense fear, intimidation, lack of self esteem, anger and hopelessness. But I also see in you; compassion, intelligence and that you do know you are somebody (jsomebody). You sound overwhelmed by your circumstances I wish there was something all of us could do to help you but I think you are in a place that alone, you will never be able to step up and step out. It is so important for you to commit to long term therapy that will enable and empower you to make choices that will help you, not grandpa or mom. You are worth it!!!!! You are not a failure or a coward. You have abused and manipulated into thinking you are not worth the attention and love that you could find. There are people in this world who would embrace you as a friend and I believe you could eventually have a meaningful relationship. You have to have therapy and learn to love you before you will be able to love and accept love from a partner. Your mom is so not social work material!!!! I worked with social workers in my job in public health (registered nurse) and every one of them would be shocked to hear how your mother has treated you. Know that I think about you many times during the day and send out hugs. I would love to be your friend!!!

Jsomebody,
I'm soooo sorry life has dealt you this hand. The world can be a cold hard place.
At 44 yrs. old my life became more than I could handle and I gave it to GOD. I had done a poor job of managing it myself. I don't beleive I would have survived without CHRIST.
Since you already beleive might I suggest you dive into the BIBLE and not come out until you are better. The Psalms has been a good place for me as I had some anger issues and was mistreated for decades. The world has become an easier thing to deal with now & I pray GOD helps you also. HE says HE will give us beauty for our ashes. HE has in my case.
I still have my trials and tribulations but I am better prepared for the battle and find some JOY quite often. I am grateful to GOD for having pulled me out of the pit I was in and know HE will do the same for you.
GOD bless and keep you safe in HIS arms.

Jsomebody,

Have you participated in a DBT group? They are known for being very effective with someone who has A Borderline Personality Disorder. Such emotional derregulation does make relationships and a stable work experience very, very difficult.

Thank you SoAlone, tarthur17, Kissymwah68, ogt, Helpertomany, rockysma, lakeview, and all other posters. I feel like an idiot trying to explain things, I guess I have led a pretty pathetic life. Um, without going into waves of annoying reflection I will try and abbreviate the mess that is my life: I am 39, I was born in WA and have lived no where else, as of yet. My parents divorced when I was 6, my father was gay and died when I was 14, of AIDS, my one sibling (older brother) molested me off and on during my childhood/teen years. When people talk about loving, close, respectful helpful families I feel both confused and resentful, I just don't get it.
At 14 I decided I had had enough of life and meant it, I shut myself away in my room and became agoraphobic for well, the better part of two decades. I have made various attempts to get out and get a life, I have had a job, for six months, did something inappropriate and got fired and deserved it. Did college, well survived it, even the math, nothing came of that, that was about 8 years ago.
My mother does not like me much, but it is useful I am here, my brother who is to this day a jerk to me, I choose to have little to no contact with. My father was an abusive, arrogant jerk who I am glad did not survive into my adult years can not imagine! When I told my mother about the incest she said to my thirteen year old face.."I am glad it happened with david and not someone outside the family we don't know." No we are not "Hillbillies", my mom has a college degree in Social Work! My father worked for the IRS, I guess it just takes all kinds.
I guess, I don't know either I have never had a life or this just IS my life and I should just grab a clue.
I have never had a relationship, I keep my distance from people, any wonder. I have had therapy, both in childhood, (during abuse years) and as an adult, it helps some, and I read self help books, Courage To Heal and so forth. Maybe some of us can't get fixed. I have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression and take medication, also Anxiety and PTSD, A Borderline Personality Disorder I guess keeps me immobilized. I am not unintelligent and I don't wish to be a selfish, hurtful, unkind person in life. Mostly, I have given up. I feel tied to my mother in an unhealthy sort of way regardless of her disdain for me (sad I know) and just wish we could win a mint buy a lake house and go away for ever.
I know I am a failure and an coward but that is how things are for me. I know people are responsible for there own lives and I am the center of my world and I am the one to make changes...or not...I do believe in God, and do not want to be yelled at in our "post Phil Donahue world" where it is no longer acceptable to be a "lesser than" and a Dr. Phil sort of disdain for other's struggles rules the day.
It is my life I guess, my problem but I am grateful for all your support and insight. I am so deep in it, it always shocks me that people think it could be any other way. I am indigent and not good looking, I have no Prince Charming waiting for me and I just am too much of a coward to make a move of any sort, even to defend myself against all the crap.
I think, everything about my life makes sense. Unfortunately.
I wonder if maybe it wont last. I feel heavy in my chest area and have pains along the sides on my neck and head aches, I am thinking stroke maybe, then I really won't have to grouse or worry about my life anymore. If we go on and have to meet certain goals in this world, I imagine I will be back, I can think I have met any here.