I'm so upset right now that I almost don't have the energy to type out my thoughts. I have so much to say. So much to write. I have been up for 2 hours crying in bed, sick.
I gave up my job to go to my parent's house to spend time with my mom and help while she is on hospice. I have 2 small children who are with me.
I feel taken advantage of at times. I feel like a slave. I feel disappointed at how I'm treated and how my children are treated. My mother is always crabby, and quite frankly..... Right now... The way I feel is that I like it when she's passed out sleeping because she's not so negative, so critical, so crabby. I used to feel guilty for those feelings, but right now.... I don't..
My dad has treated me like a child and has underminded my parenting at times.
I just don't have the energy to type a whole lot or explain. Maybe I'll feel more up to it later.
My mom has stage IV cancer and is on hospice. I feel so disappointed at the time spent here with her. So very disheartening....
Anyone else have these feelings?
I have 2 words for you: Get. Out.
I don't know how to tell you how to do it, because I don't know your situation. But if it's not working for you, which it clearly isn't, then you need to figure out how to extricate yourself. It's ok to change your mind when things turn out to be so clearly bad for you. AND your children.
There are always more than 2 options ("I do nothing and I'm a bad person" or "I do everything and I martyr myself."). You're not really helping anyone if you're not happy. Get out of there, resume some semblance of your life, find some other ways to help your folks that don't destroy you. Anyone who judges you harshly probably hasn't been in your shoes.
I can tell you these words from the other side so to speak as we just lost my mother at the end of January. I am glad her journey is done and I miss her terribly and though it was extremely difficult for me at times and often very depressing to care for her, I can look back now and be so proud of the care and love that I was able to give her. It truly was one of the most amazing And hardest things I have ever done in my life. I know it is so hard.
I would implore you to get help. I had a caregiver come for four hours, five afternoons out of the week for two of my five years of caregiving. Most of the time I felt like I had to entertain my caregiver, and stuck around the house, but there were times where I could escape to the closest hobby lobby and forget about my situation for a bit.
Your dear dad is not going to change, so try to just let his comments roll off. This is a difficult time for him as well. Growing old is not for the faint of heart as there is so much loss and hardly ever any gain.
Your situation is more difficult, having your small children, but again get some help in. Hospice can come in and watch your mom for a couple hours a week.
If in the end you decide it is too much for you and you can’t do it then stop and carry the feeling that you did your best.
Caregiving is a tough job, the toughest I have done. We have no experience in it, we don’t talk about it, and we have no education in it. It can leave us very isolated and again, just downright depressed.
As I mentioned, my perspective is different as my job of caregiving is done for now. I can look back though and be so thankful that I had the opportunity to care for my mom in the manner in which she deserved.
This is a great forum to just get your feelings out. I posted before here that I just didn’t want to care for my mom anymore and then I regrouped and went on to the next day.
Best of luck to you! Remember, you’ve got this!
I also imagine that there is some relief when it's ALL over. Five years is a long time. I imagine all sorts of different emotions.
We're looking fo going back home (2.25 hours away from my parents).
Will be nice. I hope you're doing well. I'm sure you do miss your sweet mama. ♥️
Take it easy on yourself.. You are doing the best that you can..
When dad gets cranky.. remove thyself from his presence. Just step out, and tell him you need a break...or don't say anything at all. He is going through this too.
EAsy does it. breathe.
My house. My space. Where the kids can be free. My house,.. it's bigger than my parents. My children can be louder and have more space to run, to move, to be themselves. Will make sure it's an extra special week for all of us. Feel like we're going on a vacation. I'm counting down the minutes until we arrive.
03:15am right now, and my stomach is in knots just lying here thinking about it...... Can't get here soon enough. The time for children..... The space.... The solitude..... The privacy......
We had such a nice day today. The weather was beautiful. My son played on his slipnslide, had a watergun battle withe his dad, flew remote control helicopter, rode his bike, rode his scooter, had the freedom and space to run in the backyard and house( much more space at our house). Overall a wonderful day.
AND THEN CAME NIGHT (tonight). My husband grilled out. We were all sitting together at the table having a wonderful meal and nice time together. First family meal (me, hubs, and two kids) in I don't know how long.... My mom called while we were at the table. She told me that she is ready to go. She said that she is ready to die. She said that an hour before she called me she told my sister and dad that she was ready. She said that if she could take care of it herself she would! She said that she has more pain now in both legs and it's harder for her to get up and move around.
She told me that she took 2 ativan at the same time which she hasn't done before..
I had planned on relaxing here at our house until Saturday, and then I had planned on leaving our house early Saturday AM to head back to my mom's house to stay with her a while. My sister has to work This weekend, and my dad will have to have some help. So, I had planned on going......
BUT NOW...... Now..... I'm debating whether or not I should continue with our much needed break until Saturday, or leave Thursday?
I was so enjoying our time here and then 😥my mom called.....
Ativan is not a pain killer.
I vote for your staying put and enjoying your family this week.
You gave up your job and took your kids to be with mom and dad because she has stage IV cancer and is on hospice.
Has hospice given you an idea about how long she has? Is this an aggressive cancer or a slow growing one?
Are you there because mom needs caregiving round the clock?
Is there a reason for you to go back if you're being treated so poorly?
One of the goals of hospice is to keep the patient comfortable and pain free. Is mom not making use of the pain meds provided, or does she not tell the hospice nurse how much pain she is in?
(Stress2020 writing April 29) Hi Grace, thank you for your reply and kind words. My children and I left my parents' house and arrived at our house around 8pm this past Monday night. We were so happy to see our home, my husband, their father, our animals! We had been away from our home from March 6th to April 27th (52 days).
We had such a nice day today. The weather was beautiful. My son played on his slipnslide, had a watergun battle withe his dad, flew remote control helicopter, rode his bike, rode his scooter, had the freedom and space to run in the backyard and house( much more space at our house). Overall a wonderful day.
AND THEN CAME NIGHT (tonight). My husband grilled out. We were all sitting together at the table having a wonderful meal and nice time together. First family meal (me, hubs, and two kids) in I don't know how long.... My mom called while we were at the table. She told me that she is ready to go. She said that she is ready to die. She said that an hour before she called me she told my sister and dad that she was ready. She said that if she could take care of it herself she would! She said that she has more pain now in both legs and it's harder for her to get up and move around.
She told me that she took 2 ativan at the same time which she hasn't done before..
I had planned on relaxing here at our house until Saturday, and then I had planned on leaving our house early Saturday AM to head back to my mom's house to stay with her a while. My sister has to work This weekend, and my dad will have to have some help. So, I had planned on going......
BUT NOW...... Now..... I'm debating whether or not I should continue with our much needed break until Saturday, or leave Thursday?
I was so enjoying our time here and then 😥my mom called.....
I would have been inclined to say, " Oh...maybe the two antivan will help you more than the one? I can be back to see you tomorrow. Please email or text me a list of what I can bring for you, and call the hospice nurse or 911 if you're really feeling suicidal or need help to the hospital. I'm sorry but I can't help every day with every call and cry for help. I'm not professionally trained in those areas, and my help so far hasn't stopped these feelings you keep having. I love you both and I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Your husband and kids are #1 priority. I love my Dad very much (my Mom died of Alzheimer's complications nearly two years ago), but my son COMES FIRST!!! I'm divorced, and we're good friends now, or else he would also come before my Mom or Dad. (Sorry Greg (ex-husband, on the off-chance that you're reading this...you know I love you as a friend forever, but Adam comes FIRST, then my Dad, my cat, then and friends and cousins.).
Don't go back until hospice calls that it is the end. She knew what she was doing, that you would be sitting down to dinner, and she was yanking your chain. You want to remember her good times, not the resentments you feel because of her manipulative behavior.
I am glad that your evening with your family started out so well. While I was reading your response to my post I could tell how much you were enjoying being in your own environment again. I even smiled while I was reading it because I was happy for you. Then I got to the part about mom calling you and saying that she had taken 2 Ativan, which she hadn't done before. Please don't fall into that trap, you don't know how long your mother will live and you are already stressed out. As long as you continue to prop mom and dad up they will lean on you. I am sure that the last thing you want to happen is to get sick yourself and then you will feel even worse than you do now, because you may not be able to take care of your small children and they need you. Please tell me that you did not return to your parents home early. It is an honorable thing that you are assisting your parents but at what cost? Please listen to the folk on this forum because for a lot of them this is not their first rodeo. The responses may seem harsh or blown out of proportion but we don't want you to experience some of the same things we have. If you have returned to your parents home please get a break again real soon. On second thought if you have returned to your parents house please take your children and run home to your husband now because you have no idea how your father will fair after your mother passes and you may just end up stuck in the 24/7 caregiving role again. Stay strong and please let us know how this works out for you.
I started turning my phone off overnight because she felt that 130am was a good time to have people rushing across town to hold her hand.
Obviously fear is a factor, however, being worn to a frazzle by the games doesn't make a compassionate caregiver. You, your husband and your children need this week together.
Honestly, if she dies you weren't meant to be there.
Take care of you and let them think about the awful way they have treated you. It will do them good to know that you have boundaries.