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I don't have answers. I am in the beginning of all this stuff. I was 12 years old when I first got 'shipped off' to a friend's house to live bc my mother married a pedo. & he wouldnt leave me alone. That was 40 yrs ago & the pedo. died 2 yrs ago & I was hoping she would be fine now. What a joke. She took the occasion to go bat-s--t crazy & has dementia & Alz. now. I was trying to help since I am her only child, but she has turned everything around & blames this all on me. She was driving, right up to this latest health care issue of not being able to breathe due to congestive heart failure. So now I have the choice of putting her in any nursing home of choice, as long as they cost $1700./month or less!!! Every facility I've been to is bare minimum - $3800./month or higher!! Yesterday's visit was a $10,000./month facility!!! Yay!!! This is so much fun! At least I know I'm not alone in this. I will pray for each one of you! For peace of mind. Contentment. And helping you' s to see that whatever decision you made for your parents are the best choices for YOU & them.
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The fact that you recognize how bad it is, says you did all that you could do! Instead of berating yourself, take a week or a month off. After all, you've earned a respit. As for long term, just know that aging family members often become worse than before! I finally gave myself permission to not like my Mother in Law, and to know she was NOT a good person, before or after Alzheimers took over. She was just a mean woman. I respected her, and tried to honor her during her lifetime. At age 94 she died a couple weeks ago. I didn't cry one tear, and was not sad to see her finally stop lying, calling me names, slapping me, and spitting on me. I am free. And I will not feel guilty. I did all that I could do. I was thougtful, in 40 years of adversity, and I never responded in kind, nor did I return her anger , insults, or physical abuse she hurled at me towards the end of her life. I am free.
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Bless you, dear. It is completely normal to have all of these feelings. It does not mean you are not strong. It is simply a loving heart reacting to the tragedy of this disease. Do what you can. Don’t do what you can’t do. Make sure Mom has her hair and nails done. Fresh flowers. Cookies. Comfortable socks and shoes that are secure to walk n and don’t slip off. Sanitary toothbrush and hairbrush. Pretty blanket on the bed. Keep in touch with the staff. When you do visit, keep it short. 5 or 10 minutes. Bring someone with you. You can oversee her care without necessarily being there. Remember, each day we have is a gift. Use it wisely.
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This is such an old question i am sure the OP has resolved her issues by now. In general I would say if you can't bear to visit don't especially if the person does not know whether you visit or not or even do not recognise you. If you feel you must go ask your Dr for something for your anxiety before you go. Your only responsibility is to make sure she is in a safe place and well looked after.
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The only portents of our future are in the faces of our parents. Remember that one day this will most likely be you, and how do you want your children to treat you--because they are watching. If you have no close younger family members, look at what happens to them and get some good LTC insurance!
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I would go, oh, once a week. My mother didn't really even know where she was, and her speech was kind of garbled. I mean, she knew who I was and could speak clearly, but couldn't answer questions. "So what did you have for lunch today, Mom?" and she would start talking about her sister who was driving to Peoria for a church thing. She always seemed happy, though. I would check out her room to make sure her clothes and spare shoes were there, no one took her tv or stuffed animals. I would bring a magazine, like a nature magazine, cat magazine, or fashion magazine and we would look at the pictures together. I would stay half an hour or so, and then say "I will see you soon" and nip out. Walk to my car free free free as a bird! I did my duty, and I did go faithfully once a week, for a half hour....Sometimes I would stop at the Dollar Tree and buy a dozen little stuffed fuzzy animals, little bears and dogs and such, bring them and pass them out to her table mates in the day room. Mom loved her stuffed animals and thought they were real, try to feed them and would talk to them. They unfortunately always disappeared, so I would replenish with a cheapie little stuffed critter from the dollar store. People there loved to hold and stroke them, it gave them comfort, I think.
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Some posters here lack compassion often times because they are overstressed from their own caregiving situation. It is called compassion fatigue.
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Caregiving the elderly has two faces: Responsibility, and Dread. We know you are responsible, or you wouldn't be the caregiver! But the dread is just part of it, too. My advice, after having been the caregiver for both my parents and my Mother in Law, is to be less harsh on yourself. If your parent in a facility is being unreasonable, walk away during that visit. Make some boundaries for yourself, and strictly adhere to them. Nobody deserves the guilt-driven parent who literally eeks years off your own life. If they are verbally or physically abusive, run, don't walk away that day. Come back a week later when they have had time to consider their treatment of you.. If they live with you, move them out. You are in charge. They have earned respect, but you are not their doormat. There are limits which need to be respected. If. not, you are only fooling yourself!
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First of all you can't be guilty for your daughter--that is her problem if it is one. You don't know what happened between them. My son never visited my father after he became ill. His explanation was that he wanted to remember the good times. And, they were buddies. My father was very hurt but I stayed out of it. My son does not have much to do with me either and I've never been his hero. I did not like to visit my mother because she never wanted a relationship with me and worked hard to make me feel guilty. So, I would visit and drive away in tears. I worked on this in therapy and continued to do my obligatory visit until one day I found myself not crying when I left. She died soon after. I miss my father and he could be a pain but I knew he loved me. It takes two to make a relationship and both need to want it. At this point she doesn't know what she wants. You gave her 9 years and that is a lot. Go by and be as loving as you can. It won't change anything for her. Do try to speak warmly to the care takers which may, indeed, improve her care. Guilt is one of the useless emotions
because it does not often improve anything. But this could improve things with your daughter if there are problems there. I can honestly say, I understand your pain and hope you can find a way to leave it behind. Wouldn't it be great if all families were all like "Little Women" but they aren't.
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Yes, I have the same problem. My mother is in a nursing home and has been there for two years. I visit her every Sunday for a couple of hours, but have to force myself into going. I feel physically ill every Sunday morning and would rather do anything than go. What keeps me going is the Bible commandment, "Honor thy Father and thy Mother". I pray for strength before I go and somehow I always get through it.
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When I first saw this thread posting around, I was frankly a bit haughty and critical, thinking how can you dread being there for your LO? I have come around pretty quick. As my dads bad days seem more frequent, I dread driving over there wondering how he will be that day. Will he looked tortured on that day? Or will it be one of the up days I can feel good about. Or my worst fear, will it be the last day I see my dad alive, so then I dread leaving thinking what if he dies after I leave. So yes, I have come to experience this dread and fear of visiting my dad.
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