This MUST be a common situation and thus there MUST be a well worn procedure, but I can not find anything online about to do it! My dad has significant memory loss and refuses to admit it. We need to get him in a memory care home very soon and it will be done against his will. Would someone PLEASE point me in the right direction!
My father, a retired doctor still appears fully coherent fur short periods to outsiders, but can bareky remember hiw to change tihe TV channel. and nki knows his ither son deals Ice from the back yard in a bug way.
He has lost abilities and memory to dangerous levels He was not happy when my wife and I moved in after he said he greed as he tarted he t had 6 or r 12 months to live. .
It seemed a ni brainer we should be there. She sacrificed her dream job and we moved in solely ti help him as i hate the town
We claned and cleaned and repaired and tried to get him to eat and he hated it and 6 months later claims I was abusing him..
MY brother moved back took over the house and is selling hard drugs and trying ti pusj[h me out si he gets the okace when dad dies. He told people dad vcjanged the will.
I eventually called useless aratah cops several times so took out a orivate AVO against my brither onky tio keep myself and wife safe and after 6 minths if trying toi avoid iit with dad refysu=ing toi heklpo.
Now dad s fully in his side and evuctiung me ti live a u drug selling den .
How di i get into a home fir his safety?
Carol
Here is what caused this placement: FT Dementia.
You did not cause it.
The son/guardian did not cause it.
The care facility did not cause it.
The dementia caused the need for this level of care.
In the US we have a very strong culture of "Can-Do." We strive for perfection, even while acknowledging we can't reach it. We still want to get as close as we can. We expect it of ourselves.
And then we feel guilty when we can't live up to our impossible expectations.
Please, forgive yourself for becoming older and finding it more difficult to provide the necessary care. You did your best, and for a long time. That is as close to perfect as it is going to get.
Not always, but in most cases of dementia the patient reaches a point where he or she cannot be cared for by a single person in a private home. Not Your Fault.
I hope you will continue to visit him, perhaps do some of the same activities that you did with him at home. Try to distract hime when the subject of "why am I here" comes up.
Dementia is a hideous, heart-breaking disease. But it is nobody's fault.
The problem (for us caregivers) is that the demented still have their "rights". I really don't understand HOW that can be. They have lost the reasoning power they once had. I agree, there are some families that are just out for the demented person's money. There should be accountability for that. But, for the other 98% of us, just trying to protect our loved ones from harm, the law makes it impossible to assist your demented family member. I took my mother, while she still had some memory left, to get Power of Attorney. I really had to talk her into it. I also had her add me on to her savings and checking account, albeit through some fancy explaining on my part. For some reason, she was very suspicious of me handling her affairs. I'm her only child and she has no one else.
It took my mother's primary doctor and a geriatric neurologist to declare her incompetent to handle her financial and medical decisions. They wrote the letter stating that I would be her decision maker, due to her disability. She was not bathing, was hiding bills in the sofa, was taking other people's medications. It was time to get her out of the senior apt. complex where she lived alone. Since neither she nor I could afford the cost of memory care in the U.S. (starting at $3,300./month), I was forced to explore non- conventional alternatives. I found a great little homey place in Rosarito, Mexico for $1,310./month with U.S. standards of care and an English speaking staff. It has worked out well.
It is sad that there has to be such a struggle to properly tend to a person who can no longer help themselves. If you can, try to;
1. Get your parent to sign you on as Power of Attorney. Explain it's for when they can no longer make their own decisions or state their desires. They should have a will or trust drawn up also. You can have it done by an elder attorney through your local senior center for a small donation. (we paid $20.)
2. Have them sign you on their bank accounts, for when they can no longer manage their accounts. Explain that you would have no way to pay for things in their estate and they could loose their home, etc. if they were in the hospital for a lengthy illness.
She was VERY distrustful of me, so I had to disguise our trip as though we were going to the doctor. We drove across the border (She didn't realize it.) and I told her the doctor had moved and he was here now. I also had slipped an anti-anxiety medication, ordered routinely by her doctor, into her morning meds. By the early afternoon, she was very relaxed. She actually fell asleep after lunch. I stayed the night with her and then slipped out after breakfast. Was that a "nice" way to do it, heck NO! But it was the ONLY way to do it! Did I move her against her will? Yes. Is she mentally responsible? No. I did what had to be done, with a very heavy heart. We see her once a week and she is doing well and is well taken care of.
I just don't understand why the courts seem to "fight" us, (the families) trying to do the best thing for our loved ones. My mother had started wandering. What am I supposed to do, wait until she gets hit by a car at 2 am and then tell the court she qualifies for dementia care? Phooey, let THEM come take care of the demented and we'll see how quickly those damn "rights" go down the drain. God help all of us who are trying to keep our demented loved ones safe.
Kumoboy, I'm sure there's more to this story than what you've written. Did your wife CAUSE the accident? Does she exhibit signs of dementia? If so, the police have the right to arrest her, (yeah, believe it?) and place her in a psychiatric facility on a hold (90 days, I think) for evaluation. I don't believe they can legally keep her against her/your will after that time. Please check with your police department about this. Oh, well, that was back in November of last year. Hopefully, by now, you've had resolution to our wife's placement.
Don't let them do it to you. See your Lawyer and fight the little merds.
John Paul Hundley