My husband has been taking financial advantage of my 89-year-old mother for nearly 15 years. When she moved into a senior community in 2005, we moved into her house as newlywed renters, paying a fraction of the market rate; it was purely a short-term arrangement. But one year became two, two became three, and on and on it went, despite my objections. Not only was my mother not being paid a fair rent, but in 2017 I learned that my husband stopped paying rent entirely many years earlier, and that my mother has had to deplete her savings to cover her own expenses. Her only income has been social security and a small monthly annuity payment. In keeping with the situation, the house has slid into deplorable condition due to huge deferred maintenance issues. There's more: in 2006 my husband convinced my mother to take out a $50,000 home equity loan so that he could pay down credit card debt, and over the years he would frequently ask her for smaller personal loans as tide-overs to the next paycheck. He always claimed to be on the brink of a financial/professional breakthrough (he's a scholar/university lecturer) and for a long time I believed he would eventually make things right. But that was a forlorn optimism. I've confronted him numerous times about these matters but he invariably becomes defensive, dismissive, tries to shift blame onto me, makes a swift exit.
My mother now has advanced dementia. In January I was shocked to learn that my husband is 1) successor trustee of her trust and 2) a 40% beneficiary of her trust. I can only imagine that he exerted major undue influence on her while the trust was being set up. In fact, he accompanied her to the meetings with the estate planning attorney. We had only been married a year at that time and my mother knew him only on a surface level.
I've been actively distressed about the exploitation for the past three years but lacked the confidence and courage to expose it. My husband has a strong support network of friends and colleagues and would be an unpleasant opponent. I'm an only child with no other living relatives to turn to. I no longer have funds of my own to afford an attorney. I sent the estate lawyer a letter asking for help but she refuses to get involved. I don't know a way forward.
For YEARS, you have known that your husband has been - there's no way round this - stealing from your mother. You have been too apprehensive about his response to tackle the issue in any meaningful way.
You need to get help for yourself, first. Look online for domestic abuse helplines and speak to an adviser. Just take the first step.
In not very much time, I wouldn't be at all surprised if you find out that quite a lot of people in that "strong network" wish they could confront your husband about quite a variety of issues. Think of yourself as a whistle-blower.
https://www.justice.gov/elderjustice/prosecutors/statutes?field_statute_state=MD&field_statute_category=All
You can choose to enable his criminal behavior with your silence or you can report him and divorce him. I don't see a middle ground.
Financial Abuse, you say, "I no longer have funds of my own to afford an attorney..." Where has your money gone? Are you working? Most credible family law attorneys will give you a free consultation.
You apparently know nothing about your family's finances, otherwise you would have know long ago about your hub's actions. I was in the same boat. My ex was supposed to pay the bills and mortgage, I paid the school fees, all child expenses and groceries. After the end of the marriage I all my utilities were cut off as he had not paid them in 5 months. The mortgage was paid 2-3 days late each and every payment. The property taxes were in arrears too. I was scared silly with only $500 in the bank.
At one point my ex would not get a copy of the family car key for me. Kept saying it was too expensive to order one in. Turned out it was not one of the special keys and it cost $5 to get a copy. Little things that seem reasonable for a while start to add up.
Is there a local Women Against Violence Against Women organization in your community? I was able to get free counseling from the local one and it was a huge help. Is there a woman's shelter in your town?
Gaslighting: This is what he is doing when he tries to shift the blame.
My ex was well loved in the community. But when things came to light, some people's feelings changed too. If you hubs does not have tenure, he could find his contracts are no longer renewed.
Next steps:
Get a free legal consult
Get counseling
Get a job, if you do not have one.
Get your own bank account if you do not have one
Contact your local APS and explain the situation to them, but do this after talking to the lawyer.
You need to protect your mom; but you also need to protect yourself.
The divorce attorney can wait. Seek a criminal attorney A.S.A.P.
Talk to an attorney about elder abuse regarding the debt owed to your mother that you described above: fair market value rent, personal loans, and trust beneficiary, successor trustee status. Is there a power of attorney or will? If your mother has legal capacity even with dementia she can sign a new power of attorney.
Long ago as a young mother I did not know that my ex was friendly with my mother without my knowledge and borrowing money from her. He claimed that we were having difficulty paying bills due to my stay at home status. That was not true as I had savings and planned for the year off. It was probably one of the worst experiences in my life to discover my ex taking money just not from my mother but my best friend with the same sympathy story. The floor dropped beneath me but through the confusion I just left. I paid his rent until the court made the decision so he would have a roof over his head so he could parent our child. I ended up with full custody and protected my mother and friend from further financial abuse. My ex was looking to exploit anyone in my network of friends or family and moved onto someone new quickly.
I hope you find strength and take care of yourself through your ordeal. Please do the right thing.
Did you have an financial adviser? someone outof the family to oversee the finances? get that open talk now with him.
DEEP QUESTION:;; IS HE PLANNING TO DIVORCE YOU AND TAKE ALL YOUR MOM'S MONEY? I don' know. I just read the first prompt.
Look at all her accounts. and finanacial advisors that she had prior to your hubby. anyone you trust? If not, I have financial advisors whom my relative has been with for over 30 years now. very nice. Yes, they make their money, probably more that we are, but we are getting a bit too. more than th banks.
You need a criminal lawyer as notgoodenough has stated.
On the surface of this you and your husband financially abused your mother. You need to do everything you can to make this right, even if it means you do some jail time. Call the police after you find an attorney tomorrow.
Nice advice for a woman who simply let 3 yrs pass
good luck.
just get that anger and keep it. Get you and your Mom away from him.
Also... what about getting APS involved.... Adult Protective Services?
drugs?
gambling?
mistress?
https://ncea.acl.gov/Suspect-Abuse/Reporting-Abuse.aspx
Your mother can not defend herself and she needs you to do it. I realize you feel defenseless too but you have way more ability to defend yourself than she does. If he depletes her funds and she goes on medicaid they could come back on both of you when she passes away for Medicaid Fraud. That will raise your level of person financial damage and emotional shame. Report him now! No matter the harm to you he must be stopped. Bad things happen when good people do nothing and this is your mother.
I would not see an estate attorney (that's how your mother got into this mess), but an elder law attorney who understands Medicaid rules. For the record, this will be a huge problem if your mother outlives her available assets and needs Medicaid to survive in very old age.
And, it sounds like your husband has not only deceived your mother, but deceived you as well -- and bilked you out of any inheritance your mother would likely have left to you. What do you plan to do to reclaim your personhood?
First, get your iron clad evidence in order, on paper or photos. It will have to reflect that you discovered and were not fully aware of the financial dealings between your mother and husband, including the letter you sent to the estate lawyer. Check and document your credit rating to see how many accounts he has included you. You will need decent credit of your own.
Second, take any income you have that he can access to separate account, out of his reach.
Third, IMMEDIATELY find out who has your mother's power of attorney, medical and financial. Get appointed as her legal guardian. Who is beneficiary of her life insurance, stocks, etc. If not you, it should be your first priority. Contact your local legal assistance reps asap, call any lawyer to get the location, get appointment and present your case.
While you are at it, let them file your divorce, with restraining order (he refuses to discuss or take responsibility so you certainly don't have a marriage to save.)
When you get control of the estate transfer it from the current lawyer, obviously working for your husband.
Its going to be tough due to the duration, but a judge will listen to proof. If you don't act quickly, you could be left in that deplorable house, alone, with him blowing what little is left of an inheritance you should receive, I'm sure your mother intended for your future care. You will be a happier, healthier person once you protect yourself and your mother. Forget about his friends and colleagues, they're not yours. When details come out, they'll understand. Once the transitions are in place, have him evicted if only to sell the house, as is. You will gain independence and reclaim your self respect. Have faith, and be strong.