My FIL moved in with us nearly two years ago. I was reluctant to say yes but it’s the only parent my precious wife has left so I agreed. He's very overweight, depressed (I think), poor, entitled (he thinks people should do everything for him), self-centered, can't seem to tell the full truth even on basic questions (it’s so strange), and his best quality is one of his worst, he's kind (until he has some ignorant opinion on varying subjects) but he won’t SHUT UP. He will ramble on and on and on even if no one is listening.
We had just bought a new first time house and a few months later we moved him in. It was all fine in the beginning, we were working on the house and staying busy so his annoyances were only slightly annoying in the beginning. As time continued and things settled down I started to notice more and more what a disrespectful, worthless (I know, Harsh) slob and pest he is. He would camp out in our living room just talking and talking and talking about nothing and giving his ignorant opinions, and trying to get my wife to cater to him (he knew from the start I wouldn't cater to him). Wouldn't shower, never helped with dishes, awful diet, never took out the trash, would be blaring the TV and music constantly, never did any physical activity. Just a fat blob taking up space. All the while he's just blabbering on about how's he going to get in shape and start walking and eating better, blah blah. I take my word very seriously, so I expected him to actually follow through on some of these ambitions. NOPE.
So probably about 9 months in I told my wife I've had enough, while I'm home he's to stay in his room Monday - Thursday, I can hardly stand to look at him anymore. Oh and I forgot to mention my wife has been pregnant for about 5 of these months already. Anyways, he obeys for a while and makes more and more promises how he's going to do better, blah blah and my wife always believes him. It’s the craziest thing, she will scold him and he will just deflect and tell her how much he loves her.
There's a lot more occurrences and instances than I have space for in this forum but needless to say my wife was scolding him one day trying to get him to clean up his room, which is absolutely disgusting, and is connected to our living room so if the door is open you can smell the odor. And he says something along the lines of "What happened to my beautiful, sweet, compassionate, loving daughter. This is not the woman I raised". I almost LOST IT ON HIM. But I didn't, and told my wife to relay to him that we are not on a speaking basis, I'm done with this a** hole. And when I'm done I'm done. Fast forward about a month later, he keeps trying to have conversations with me and coming out of his room when outside of our designated times, so I absolutely come unglued on him one day. A lot of profanity and I tell him Monday - Saturday when I’m home, you stay in your room and you and me are done. The only thing I want to hear come out of your mouth is "how was your day". Well as you probably know he keeps disrespecting my rules and her rules so every now and again I will snap on him. We tried to get him to move out but it was going to be too expensive with the baby.
Now to the point. I hold true to my word so basically I just don't interact with the guy, almost ever. If he tries to start a conversation I basically ignore him. I could see where this would be hurtful, but that is the point, no one else is holding him accountable, so this is my form of punishment and coping. I loathe this person. My wife will tell him how disrespectful he is to his face, but whenever I address him she sometimes takes up for him even if it’s contradictory to what she said to his face. This has caused some huge fights and its really starting to take a toll on both of us. I just want to be left alone and for him to follow the rules, but she thinks the rules are unfair. I think they are perfectly fair. Any advice on how to better handle the situation?
It is my personal opinion that not only does your marriage need help, but you, yourself needs help.
You are calling your FIL a "worthless slob" and "pest" and an "a**hole."
You speak of "huge fights".
You speak of "losing it" with him.
You have serious anger issues.
As I said, I fear for any baby born into your home at this time and in these circumstances. My heart bleeds for any pregnant woman living through this. Though you do make the point SHE is "in his face" as well.
It is now known that babies an suffer even while in utero.
Now you are telling us that you have a veritable "suite" for your FIL. Fine, go to an elder law attorney with Dad and the wife (will that keep everyone, hopefully, from exploding with anger) and make a care contract. This care contract will include a portion of the cost of home mortgage, maintenance, electric and heat and food.
And this agreement will stipulate WHAT AREAS are private and when they are. It will stipulate how often you will reassess if this whole thing is working for EVERYONE. The day it is NOT working for someone then it is DONE AND OVER. And he moves out and takes his financial help elsewhere with one month notice or you QUIETLY and GENTLY evict him.
Surely as a cognizant human being you understand that FIL isn't going to get BETTER? And that things are going to get HARDER? And that, if you are a family that bickers and explodes and reacts with fury then your lives will be a Hades on earth no matter WHO you live with?
Again, I fear for the baby.
Surely you realize that your child deserves SO much better right?
The bottom line is that your FIL needs to get out of your house sooner than later, before the birth of your baby, and you don't pay for him to move, he pays for himself.
And yes you and your wife need to be in couples counseling, if you're wanting your marriage to work. And you need to be in personal therapy for your anger issues, as your anger should concern you as well.
Your home life sounds like pure hell to me. Our homes are supposed to be our safe places and our sanctuaries, but yours doesn't sound like either for anyone and as the man of your home that should be the biggest red flag ever, especially since you have a child that you'll be bringing into this very sick and dysfunctional home soon.
So man up and start doing what is best for your wife and your child.
If your FIL is so poor as you say, he would qualify for subsidized housing. If he's as gross as you describe him, he won't mind living somewhere nasty.
Now, your wife is the one disrespecting you. If she takes up for him in front of you and you need to put her in her place with that crap yesterday. I've had two husbands and I will tell you something. If either one of them ever contradicted me or took someone else's side on something in front me, that would be it. I would never do that myself either. If one spouse has something to say to the other or a bone to pick, that gets done in private.
Your FIL is disrepsecting you, his daughter, and your home. He doesn't clean up his room?
You clean it. Pack his nasty stuff up in garbage bags and throw it on the curb. You've got a baby coming. You can't have a gross and unsanitary home.
You may actually have to legally evict him. If you don't want him there and he refuses to leave, he will have to be forced to. It's not your fault he's a disgusting slob who's depressed. He's depressed because he's a digusting slob. That's on him and he's the only one who can help himself.
Your wife and you have to stop enabling his lifestyle and get him evicted from your home. He can pay his $600 a month and be a boarder in someone else's home. Though I don't think his filthy and disgusting habits will be tolerated for very long.
Please, go to the courthouse and have him served with legal eviction papers.
Why can't you afford to, is it because he is helping out with the bills?
Or is it because you are thinking you will have to help him out financially?
That really makes a difference on things here.
Second of all I get what you are saying, when your done, your done. I'm very much that type of person to. But if this man is living there and helping to support you , you really need to find a way to deal with it
Your anger is not healthy for you, your family, and utmost important is the baby. The beautiful life that is growing inside of your wife, made out of love doesn't deserve this tension. The baby isn't even here yet and he/she is all ready dealing with the stress both of you men are putting your wife under
So please, get control of this. I do completely understand your feelings, but it's not all about you anymore.
I hope things get better for all of you best of luck
There has to be ways to cut back on things to make up that 600 .
So you don't want him to move out, you just want him to follow the rules you have made for him which is that 6 days a week he needs to be confined to his room when you are home - WHAT part of this is a good solution to the problem you have?
Seriously man - get a clue and have a conversation with your wife about dad moving out. Then when you are both in agreement you talk to FIL and give him a date when you expect him to be out of your house. What is so difficult about this?
I can't imagine bringing a infant into this mess with you being hostile and angry to your FIL when the problem here is that your wife is refusing to tell her father that he has to leave and doesn't seem to care that you no longer want him in your house.
I typed ALL this and then read your replies below and I am not going to delete all that I wrote above. I mean why post all that drama and then try to minimize it all with your answers below? It's not that bad but.....fill in the blank. The reality is it is that bad so please stop trying to say it isn't. Maybe if you get a stroke or heart attack from the stress of having FIL in your house it will be a wake up call for you and your wife. Or maybe wife will move you into a facility and keep dad at home.
Basically you don't want him to move out because you want his $600 a month rent to offset your costs and your baby is 8 months old (why couldn't this be mentioned in the original post above?) And now it is only 3 hours a day you don't want to see him because the rest of the time you, your wife and baby are not even at home? How does this solve the problem of him being a slob and all the other things you posted above? The answer - it doesn't.
If you can't afford your house and living expenses without FIL's help then maybe it is time to find a new living situation that you can afford without rental assistance from FIL. How many decades are you willing to keep this man under your roof?
Sit down with your wife and calmly tell her this living situation is not working out anymore with her father. That it's very important to raise your child in a peaceful environment where she won't grow up like I did, with anxiety and stomach issues due to the ongoing histrionics in my home. You and your wife OWE this to your child, while you owe her dad nothing.
Help him find a room to rent elsewhere, where he can do as he pleases but be treated in a decent fashion. My BIL rented a motel room with a tiny kitchenette and was quite happy smoking and doing his own thing in there, not pestering anyone in the family who'd had enough of him.
Good luck.
The thing you said may of given everyone a bad feeling,
So did the wife CATCH the mental disorder, or what?
And if the father has a mental disorder, how is tc's yelling and namecalling helping anything?
You can't stand him - he gets on your nerves and you find him annoying. But I bet he's useful to you on the day he pays you the monthly $600.
To be honest, the way you're speaking about him says more about you than about him. Just kindly discuss plans with your wife to help him with next steps - do it constructively so it's productive - make it positive...maybe he needs some support in this, and your wife should be proactive and look into other options with him on places to live. It's clear that he shouldn't be living in your house. It's long enough.
And with all the times you're calling him a fat slob, obviously he's having a hard time getting started with exercising - if you belong to a gym or have exercise equipment at home, would it hurt to encourage him and join him?
I wonder how he feels about having a son-in-law like you. It must be disappointing.
I would get FIL in Assisted Living (on Medicaid) so he can have plenty of people to talk to and plenty of activities. He won't be "abandoned" and your wife can visit him whenever she wants. She needs peace and quiet for her new baby!
You get your home back, you get FIL out of your house, and FIL will be in a place where he will have food, a room and plenty of people around to talk to all day long. He will even have housekeeping!
Start looking for a place, get the Medicaid application going, and tell FIL the move out date, and how much happier he will be with activities and new people to talk to. He will have meals, housekeeping and socialization! Make it sound like a luxury vacation or cruise. Tell him with the new baby your wife has too much work to take care of him too. Of course he wants his lovely daughter to have it easier with her new baby, right? She's done so much for him already.
You can always steam clean his room and rent it to someone else with a job that won't be such a pest. It's a WIN-WIN!
1) Most new posters spend a bit of time reading other posts on the site, and get the picture that we don’t ‘vent’ like an angry drunk out the back of the pub. However it doesn’t bother me, and FIL does sound like a slob.
2) Do you talk like this to your Wife? If you do then a) the marriage is in real trouble and b) she is probably angry enough to blame a lot of the problem on you. Neither of which is good. Plus divorce is expensive.
3) You won’t change FIL so you have to give up the $600 a month. You already know that he is not going to follow any ‘rules’ you make. $150 a week for all this hassle? You must be joking! Give up coffee! Give up booze! Replace him with a better boarder! Whatever it takes to get him out!
4) You and W must follow the legal route to evict FIL, and live with it for the month it will take. You can take him to a homeless shelter, if he hasn’t found anywhere else to live.
Good luck!
In the meantime go to marriage counseling .
Good luck .
The brutal change options are;
#1. FIL moves out
#2. You move out
#3. Wife & her Father move out
I think marriage councelling may be your best course.
So that you & your Wife can discuss how you both feel. To hear each other's viewpoint. Hopefully to gain some understanding to WHY you both feel as you do.
There are a few posts of Mothers/MILs that moved in & how it is causing disruption. Sometimes it was for temporary care but still there, or because no other option seemed available/acceptable.
See if any of these have any advice or comments that helps?
With good communication, you & your Wife can do this!
Hopefully even strengthen your marriage by working through this big issue of expected parental care together.
New baby.
Baby is now 8mths old. A new baby is a total game changer to a household. New Fathers have to accept they are no longer #1 in their Wife's heart or mind. Baby is. It can lead to a sort of jealousy & grief of 'losing a partner' for a little time. But they come back! Hang in there! It is for a reason - the survival of humans.
Anger & tension.
While anger is communication & is very useful to use to stand up for ourselves, it is best when used SAFELY. I totally support the idea the OP is reaching out anywhere for ideas & help.. including angry words, if used respectfully, on a forum.
The barn door.
This is the separation of FIL from the family of 3. But it is not enough for the OP. This leads back to marriage councelling. So the couple can aim towards the same page.
FIL.
Cognitive issues? Mental health? Physical health issues?
Funds to move out?
There may be BIG reasons he cannot simply go find a new home.
What are they?
Safety.
If tensions are too high & there is any risk to anyone's safety, I would consider the OP should go stay elsewhere until things are better sorted out.
All that cursing, yelling and screaming isn't going to solve the situation. That is just as bad as spinning your tires in the mud and getting deeper and deeper.
I would seek counseling for myself. Since you are so pi$$ed, I wouldn't even tell my spouse. She has enough with the pregnancy and her ill dad. The counseling is to help you to calm down so that you can think more rationally.
Sounds like you need a couple days away from that situation just to get some breathing room. If it gets so bad, get yourself a hotel room and a hotel with a pool.
Have we travelled back to the 1950s? Or do they live in Stepford?
He agreed to the f-i-l moving in and he charges him rent.
I agree that it's better for the young family to live without her father in tow, however it's a decision to be made as a couple.
Your f-i-l should shower and keep his rooms clean. You should behave like an adult and speak respectfully to people, whoever they may be.
These are tough words, but you can take it. Also, while you might not accept what I have to say, you might, hopefully, pause and think.
If you have agreed to your f-i-l living with you, at least behave like a decent human being. Relaying messages via your wife is immature behaviour and is not kind towards your wife. I wouldn't tolerate it.
But, then, I wouldn't have agreed to living with an in-law with whom I don't have a good relationship. I would always be polite, however. Instead, I would have helped to make alternative, suitable arrangements.
Furthermore, I wouldn't care how much a man of your word you think you are, if you don't have enough emotional maturity to understand that everyone is different and to not expect others to think and feel like you do. If you think words matter, you should be more careful with how you use them.
Start acting like an adult. If your f-i-l is as bad as you say - a manipulative liar - then talk with your wife and discuss the suitability of you all living under the one roof. But treat the man like a human being, for pity's sake!