I have this feeling of sadness in the pit of my stomach. I know it is okay to feel it. My mother is a rattled shell of herself and my brothers are busy with their own lives. It is just my mother and me, so it feels like I am living in a world of nothingness. I have three Christmas gifts I still need to buy, cookies and candies to make, and a meal to prepare. I know I will get it done. I don't feel stress or excitement -- just the sadness. I plan to go out this afternoon, hoping it will pick me up some. I'm afraid I'll just radiate the sadness around me. It's not clinical depression. I've been through that before. It is just a sadness that feels like tears are about to come.
He is just not ready to let her go. We spent the day together, with my son and granddaughter who is 5. Daddy and I spoke about mama passing and how we will honestly feel....Relief, scared (esp. him for the future) and sad. I was glad for the distraction of my GD...she is a happy little girl and full of energy and I think that helped all of us out. Holiday spirit? No....mostly just a deep and abiding sadness. I'm not even really depressed, just tired of this stupid disease over-taking our lives. I used to complain about mama's meanness (when she was in the middle stage) but the silence of the final stage is awful. She cannot move, eat or drink. It is as if this very frail statue has replaced her. I will be happy to have all of the holidays over just so that I don't have to feel the need to try and 'enjoy' myself.
I have a facebook friend who posted on the school massacre and also put up a picture of two little puffball baby owls - she just felt they were consoling and excessively cute and did it to remind herself and the rest of us, that the world may be all screwed up, largely by us humans, but it can also produce incredibly cute little baby owls. Sad-funny kind of post, I liked it a lot. So, I wish you some baby owls in your life and some more chances to make good memories and have some joy even with Mom declining. Big hugs...and oh yeah, BTW - if you LIKED Alzheimer's there would really be something seriously wrong with you besides just a little melancholy.
Stand behind him, make silly ugly faces and totally mock him until he turns around to glare at you and then SMILE. Then give him a present he might really like, even if its a stinky cigar and a half bottle of bad bourbon. Just my $0.02.
I ALMOST decided not to decorate and this would be the year I just put all the stuff back in the attic untouched. I had gotten it down at the beginning of Advent but had almost no time due to work, and friends who needed visited (one lost his leg and is in subacute rehab right now) and definitely no help. My son and husband who live with me are too lazy to help decorate - it isn't for them, its for me. Well, I put up the tree last night. That may be all that gets done, besides presents - after all people and worship services do come first - but all I could think of was how when my grandmother stopped decorating it was the beginning of the end. Hugs and sympathy!!
Then, make a list of things you WANT to feel or other feelings you have that make you feel good. On another page write activities, attitudes, things to overcome in yourself that you can change. For me I can work on my patience, overcome sensitivity, not indulge in self-pity, become the mother to myself I would have liked to have or long for now, etc...
I think it is empowering to see what you CAN change. It's also good to be in touch with the feelings within yourself that have been taboo. That's pretty much what we do on this site.
I hope everyone finds the magical moment of joy this time of year. No matter how grumpy and resentful I get about this and that, (I can't afford this, my mother's attitude sucks, etc) once I get past all this stuff, I find myself in a loving and giving place. I shall be joyous and loving within, no matter what!
We are indestructible spiritually rich angels! :)
PS: A saint is a sinner who never gave up.
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I'm married, no kids, and bare minimum contact w/brother and mother w/dementia. Husband's family is across the country--I love to visit them, but that won't happen until March 2015 probably. He did a lot of decorating w/lights outside this year, but yesterday we were planning on finally getting a tree, and it didn't happen! I'm not disappointed though. Que sera sera :) We pulled out our supply of Christmas decor and our small house is now Christmas-ified.
I'm watching some Classic Christmas movies, enjoying nature, and am getting a head start, thinking about 2015 resolutions.
I'm completely ignoring the mall, car commercials (are they NUTS??? Who gets a new car with a big BOW on it, in their driveway, on Christmas anyway??), and anything that triggers too much cynicism.
Then, for some reason, I had a spark. I realized I was "burying" my mother before she is actually gone. I know she is not the same person and will never e again but physically she is still with us. So, I decided to celebrate what is left of our family. It really helped to shift my mood.
I never envisioned this future. I thought my grown kids would live in state, I'd be surrounded by grandchildren and perhaps a new husband along with his extended family. Shades of Brady Bunch LOL well this is the life I have and its not that!
Instead of trying to wear myself out, I decided bakery cookies will suffice. My mother is a diabetic anyway so best not to have so many sweets around. I'll make a special holiday bread (or maybe not). We're not fussing for dinner either. In fact, we're doing a southern type of bbq with ribs, corn pudding, sweet potatoes etc For a holiday effect, I'll throw in some cranberry sauce too. Its not about being exhausted and cooking all day anymore. When we look back, its really the memories of people isn't it?
Don't let the feeling of duty and obligation weigh you down. As for presents, well i noticed my mom's purse was fraying so I got her a new one. She won't remember the old one and won't remember I got her a new one but I know.
Life goes on, January will come. My next bummer holiday is Valentine's but after that its smooth sailing until...oh yea Easter...we live in a world full of holidays, peopel with families, loving spouses etc. and those of us who don't have that have to find some way to cope--or just sip more eggnog.
Wherever you are and whatever your circumstances I hope you can each find a little something special over Christmas, even just a little me time to sip a glass of wine, eat favourite treats in peace and quiet. Come the morning of Boxing day I'll wish my dad happy birthday even though he's been gone so many years. He was so special and I know he's never very far away. He's been gone 15 years but I always get so sad at this time of year, remembering times spent with him...
Christmas Day that year I was so terribly sick I could not get out of bed, my kids thought I was a goner and gave me their Christmas gifts early. I remember crawling down the hall to give my two youngest a bath because they were screaming at their Dad, "Mommy doesn't do it that way, you're not doing it right!". And my dear sweet mother wanting to come to help me get stronger and better. Refused he, she was always a hoverer when someone was sick. Still is. I would get more rest without her.
And the talk my now ex and I had about waiting until I felt better to celebrate the holiday. " Not on your life" I said. We wouldn't disappoint the children that way. This was the year my oldest, then 8, got skiis for Christmas and the year that the Christmas tree just would not stand up straight. Ended up having to lean it into a corner to keep it upright. The problem with skiis for Christmas is they cannot go under the tree. Do you see it coming yet? Well, skiis also need to be leaned into a corner. I am on my Death bed or at least it sure felt like it. My hubby down with kids opening presents. The squeals of joy each time another item was opened are wonderful memories. Even the screams of horror and dismay when all three kids are buried underneath the Christmas tree when hubby attempted to retreive the skiis leaning in the same corner as the tree. And the profanities from him while trying so hard to make his children happy. And I in bed with a collapsed lung trying so hard not to laugh because it hurt so much. All a very pleasant memory now, of times when things were so perfect.
This year really is the worst for me ever. Dysfunctional family, kids grown with their own plans. Thanks Jessie for starting this thread, has me reminiscing about happier times. And realizing that I do have blessings to be grateful for.
I love the traditional Christmas things but loathe the consumerism. The weekly flyers this week were full of boxing week sales and we haven't even got to Christmas yet ... stop it! A couple of days ago I took my dogs to the dog park and picked up groceries on the way back. Everywhere was packed, even the supermarket in a nearby small town ... madness ... and I'm not going out for the next week.
No decorations or tree as I just can't get in the mood and one of my cats is at the half grown kitten devil stage. I'll make a nice meal, eat a little too much, pour some wine and watch old movies by the fire with my critters ... a quiet country Christmas.
Starting to rebuild my life, in the new year I'm volunteering in the physio department of the local small hospital and I'm really looking forward to it. I'll also be volunteering for a dog rescue I support and attending bi-weekly small business owners lunch meetings I had to give up four years ago. On close to two acres, raised veggie beds and a greenhouse are ready to go. In all I'm really looking forward to the year ahead.
Wherever you are, dog bless you all ♥