My husband and I moved in with his elderly parents two years ago. Lots of health issues, including dementia and heart problems. I was close to my two daughters and 4 grandchildren before we moved 3 states away. I feel sad and lonely and miss them so much. My son is a little closer but he is really busy. My question is do others wish they would hear from their kids more often and feel not very important anymore? They also don't want to hear about my struggles caring for my elderly in-laws, so I try not to share unless they ask and even then I can tell they are just asking to be polite. I am very discouraged.
These other siblings would be the ones responsible for your MIL and FIL. Not you and your husband.
So, Bon Voyage. Walk away.
Go back to your state and to your family and let the other siblings deal with the care of your in-laws.
Again, our children get their own lives. That's what we raise them to do. We are responsible to keep ourselves as healthy, as financially independent, as full up with friends and or hobbies in our own lives.
Just my opinion. There have been "times", a medical crisis or other, that I truly needed and appreciated my girl stepping up, stepping in for me. But I would not expect that to have to happen often; at least I would hope not. Being "close", to me, is loving, appreciating every second you have with your child, but having also your own life.
I am wondering if some of this is not about your children, but about caregiving for your parent's generation. Your inability to keep yourself busy with your own life may be because you are too busy with theirs.
I don't have a whole lot of suggestions to help you, but I sure do wish you luck.
You've been sold a pig in a poke, my friend. Time to see that fact and do something about it.
It seemed not a completely daft thing to do until I read some of your replies and your profile. If your husband wants to volunteer for this suicide mission then perhaps you can't stop him, which would be sad; but you need to take yourself back to your home state, your family, and - ideally - a job.
Have you told any of your children honestly about what you're going through and how you feel?
I never ever put pressure on them to visit and just deal with my own feelings by praying for them and regularly telling them that I love them.
We have had conversations about my caregiving and that they feel I need a life of my own and I agree but for now this is what it is. It's a season and one day it will be over.
Your in-laws are in theur 90s are they both suffering from Dementia. If so, they can no longer make informed decisions. I so hope that someone holds POA for them both. It is no longer what they want, its what they need. They need care that you can no longer give. Time to place them in LTC. Then u take ur life back.
When a family member who was close physically to other family members moves away, they're just not going to see as much of each other as they once did. That's called life, and it doesn't mean people are mean, or ill-intentioned or evil! And yes, if you move to become a full-time caregiver for an elderly family member with dementia, you're going to experience isolation in some form or another. That sucks big time, but it doesn't make other family members evil. selfish, self-centered etc., just because THEY also have lives and responsibilities and can't be at your constant beck and call.
Honestly, what would be our collective advice if the OP's KIDS had come here to post "hey, my mom who used to live really close by moved 3 states away to take care of her in-laws with dementia, now she tells us how much she misses us and how unhappy she is, and wants us to visit more, but we can't because of our responsibilities to our own families and kids"? The responses they would likely get would be "mom made her choice, she shouldn't be pressuring you like this because YOUR KIDS are your first priority." It's advice I've seen given here time and time again. The advice shouldn't change based on the circumstances and perspective of the person posting the question, and we feel sorry for the person.
Claudia, if you can't physically travel to see your kids and grandkids, as others have said, there are other options...Zoom calls, video chatting, even just plain-old telephone calls. It's not the same as being there, true, but it can make you feel less isolated. I think you have reached the point of such bad burn-out that nothing short of throwing up your hands and claiming defeat sounds like much of a solution. Many of us have been there. You're not going to find one ideal solution, unfortunately, so you're going to have to try multiple less-than-ideal solutions to help mitigate this feeling you have.
Good luck!
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