Feeling Drained and Taken Advantage of...

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Feeling Drained and Taken Advantage of...

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My mom is 84 and lives alone. She is a very difficult, negative person. She calls me everyday and demands that I answer the phone whenever she calls as if I have no life of my own. She complains about her health, her bills and my brother all the time. She is so negative and has always been this way. I am tired of her negativity and do not want to talk with her everyday. So I am laying down boundaries and she becomes abusive when I do. She just vomits out whatever she wants to say without any regard for me and my feelings. She has always been this way and me and my brother and sisters left her house early on in our teenage years because we could not stand her bipolar ways. I love my mom but my life and my metal health are important to me and I just don't want to be there every time she calls with some negative topic. I just can't be her emotional dumping bag anymore and when I speak what I feel, she interrupts me, hangs up the phone or whatever she has to do not to hear me or validate my feelings. My brother and sisters have distanced themselves from her because they don't like the way she is. She is miserable, tired and sick all the time and I don't want to become like her. If I constantly play the listener role what will become of me?

Burnout Family Caregiver Mom Relationships

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So much of this is like my mother. Few days ago she was screaming at me to build a step with bricks for her padio door and i began to pick up bricks and she was screaming "not those bricks- those ones!" Always critical, blames others, expects them to do for her.
Understand it is HER personality flaw. I have stopped calling and writingt o my mom after this latest incident. I owe her nothing, so when i feel i can give again, i will contact her. Right now i need a break.
You have the right to limit a call to once a week. Set a timer. After 10 minutes, "someone at the door- talk to you next week- bye"
That personality sucks life out of people. Limit your contact. You will feel improvement in your peace.

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BEFORE you totally block her phone #, there are other strategies you can take. I like the advice that says tell her you will only answer the phone one time a day and give her a time. Tell her if her complaining becomes difficult for you, you will HANG UP on HER. If she hangs up on you, say to yourself, "I'm saved! What a relief" and don't think a second thought about it. Before sending her to Assisted Living or whatever, just make sure she has what she needs to live. Bars on the walls if she has trouble walking, etc. Maybe a "Fall" button to contact help. The next idea is: USE POSITIVE REWARDS for baby steps toward her being more positive. Like, use your imagination. It may not work, but why not try? Like, give her a written CHART of things you would LIKE her to say, along with a chart of HOW to say what she is really feeling (scared, lonely, hurting, etc.) YOU have a chart and give STARS for baby steps toward compliance. You can even REWARD her for achieving little changes along the way. Taking her for an ice cream cone or whatever she likes. Try telling her there will be ONE day a month (or every other week or whatever you can do) in which SHE will be the center of attention and should THINK of how you two can ENJOY time together. Etc. You get the idea. Like I said, it may NOT work. But, give it time and see what happens. As far as the RINGING of the phone, can you get a phone where you can turn off the ringer? Or, just STOP jumping and rushing to answer it. Find something else to do when she calls you. I hope you have the kind of phone where it identifies who is calling.

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lindas12

We all need someone to listen sometimes. We all need to vent. It's part of the human condition. But in sharing and venting, responsible adults look for and find solutions to their problems. When your mom complains, ask her what she intends to do about her health, her bills, your brother and any other negative topic. What you'll discover (if you haven't already) is your mom doesn't want solutions; she just wants to complain and for you to listen. She has no concern about the emotional fallout for you.

You are not your mom's emotional barf bucket. Tell her how her nonstop negativity affects you. Tell her you will not listen any more. (She won't care, and she won't believe you, at least not at first). Then enforce the boundary you just made by consistently walking away or hanging up when the negativity starts. Yes, it's difficult. But so worth it.

I can assure you she'll be angry when she discovers you're no longer available to absorb her toxicity. (Yes, the negativity can literally make you sick). She may or may not stop, but at least you'll have done what you needed to do to shield yourself the constant barrage of negativity.

You asked what would happen if you continue to play the listener role. Think depression, inertia, anxiety, guilt, resentment and frustration, all of which blunt your own emotions and make you physically and emotionally ill. Nowhere is it written that to be a good daughter you must endure nonstop negative garbage. Your mother would have you believe it's your duty, but that's a lie.

When you start to refuse this role, you will start to feel better. Resist. Enforce. Only you can make it happen. (((Hugs)))

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I LOVED EVERY SENTENCE YOU WROTE.

hug!!! :)

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lindas12: Imho, if you continue in this dynamic, you are at risk of failing ill. Do not engage in the acrimony that your mother serves.

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Wise comment; I have had my mother with NPD living nearby for four years and handing responsibility for her life to us, and have now been diagnosed with stress and am on anxiety medication.

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I think you'd eventually burn out at this rate. I would make some kind suggestion to her that she go to a senior center at least once a week so that so she can have her own life instead of depending on you for that. She sounds awful, and is a classic case of a real narcissist. I would hang up on her, and not listen to her anymore if she's going to be abusive. You shouldn't have to sit there and take it.

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When she gets started, tell her you aren't going to play the mean games today and hang up before she unloads on you. Be very clear with her (if she understands conversations and has no dementia or other disorder) that her words hurt your feelings and it doesn't make sense that she would want to call you just to hurt you - you don't want to play anymore with the nasty words and that you plan to end conversations if she goes down that road. Then say goodbye and hang up, will call you later to see if you can be nicer. Cry if you have to and ASK her, why would you say something like that to me?

If it's gone on for years, she is in a rut and it's normal for her. It sounds like her whole family has taken the harsh words, but never really resolved it. All of you just moved away, so it took a phone call for her to say the mean things, It didn't really change the way she talked to all of you. Old dogs can learn new tricks - but it does take a few times for them to find they won't get snacks if they bite.

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Set boundery line and stick to it. Everytime when she starts to turn negative, find some excuses to hand up the phone. Once she realised that she can no longer manipulate and control you, she will back off or find someone else to pour her garbage. She will get angry at you at first for sure, but it will tone down as time goes by.

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You don't even need an excuse to hang up when someone is violating your boundary. "I cannot tolerate that behavior. Good-bye." But absolutely she will get the message, thought she may not change.

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Set firm boundaries. Realize that boundaries will not change her behavior but allow you ways of dealing with her troublesome behavior that leave you feeling OK. May I suggest reading any of the books by Townsend and Cloud about "boundaries." All of their books have a very helpful pathway to creating boundaries that are healthy for you and also are not harmful for others. Many people also find it helpful to belong to either a support group or work with a counsellor through this process.

As long as your mom is safe and relatively healthy, you do not have to listen to her rants throughout the day. Many find it helpful to let phone calls go to voicemail and call when you are available - once a day or a couple times a week. You might start conversations with asking if she has an emergency - health, house, or other. Then let her vent for only a short period of time. When you have reached the time limit (set a timer), tell her that you have to go and hang up.

I know it is harder with COVID, but work hard to develop friendships with several uplifting people. They will help to counteract the negative conversations with your mom.

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You explained what this woman is all about but why on earth are you allowing her to do this to you? She is abusing you with hate and selfishness and I would have told her off a long time ago and walked away. When there are people like this in your life, ask yourself if you deserve it? If not, leave them behind - sever ties. You owe them nothing. I assume you have spoken to her, set boundaries and done all the rest and it does not change. So she continues to harm you and destroy you and you put up with it. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE TOUGH AND STAND UP TO HER ONCE AND FOR ALL AND CLOSE THE CONTACT WITH HER AS OTHERS HAVE DONE. Do not let someone like this destroy you - they had their life, now it is your time. WALK AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK. I learned this hard fact too late in life and once I did this, my life changed for the better. Don't let someone do this to you - ever, never!

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Remember this - what you sow, you reap. If you do not remove yourself at once - you will be like her and if that happens, God have mercy on you. L E A V E.

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I think you know what will become of you, you will lose yourself in her bucket of misery. I had to do this with a sister. I told her I WOULD NOT be the recipient of her nastiness anymore, and the next time would be the last time I talked to her. Has not happened again, but if it does, I will hang up.

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I would put my Mom on speaker just loud enough to hear voice but not loud enough to understand words - and go about whatever I was doing. Every now and then would pick up phone and add an “Oh really” or “You don’t say”.

I know she felt better after venting and I did not have to really listen.

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There is such a thing as 'overfunctioning'...I have done it a lot in my lifetime, because I, too, am empathetic and a 'helper', plus on some levels was trained to be at the beck and call of a Narcissistic mother who was negative and self centered most of her life. Despite her good qualities, she always had a 'chip on her shoulder' and my dad even took me aside when I was in middle school saying to me, trying to comfort me after mom had ragged on me; "Mommy's sick" meaning, psychologically 'off.' That kind of home drama dominates the dynamics of a household; I remember thinking "Yeah, OK, but I'm Trying to Have a Childhood Here!" My advice: repeatedly tell your mom you love her and WISH you could fix her problems But Her Problems are out of Your Control. Basically, Give UP trying to 'please' her because these types cannot be pleased, are never truly 'satisfied.' They lack insight, and they lack Gratitude for what goodness is still in their lives (your even being willing to listen to her 'pity-parties' is even a Goodness, but she is driving you away as well as your siblings who checked out already.) Everybody has limits; tell her you can talk to her once a week and set a time limit; tell her she can worry, fret, complain for x amount of that call, and the other x amount needs to be chat about other things, which can include how she is Taking Care Of Herself (that could be a bit of exercise, good meals, reaching out to possible new friends, etc.) It's probably scary to lose your role as a parent In Control of kids, a 'job', and then lose it...Empty Nest Syndrome on steroids! Tell her that Now Is Her time to be a 'Golden Girl'. I learned a lot of needlework/fiber crafts from my mom and went on to become a fiber artist; I did original designs; my mom never trusted herself to ever do anything beyond what a pattern book said, what a pre-drawn design was, etc.: she lacked confidence and felt 'less than' and it Made Her a bitter person due to her lack of insight, her own Self-limiting behavior/beliefs. Another example: she worked outside the home now and then for 'Christmas money' and always Blossomed, was vibrant and happier, less bitter/complaining/irritable; but she went to her grave clinging to the very old Depression-era thinking that 'a woman in the workplace is taking a job away from a man (the 'Breadwinner')'...long outdated view, plus economically not viable when today families need more than one breadwinnner, right? In other words, moms sometimes don't have a clue how to 'switch gears' and fashion a new identity. And getting older is scary because it seems like your options are shrinking. Thank your mom for raising you to be on your own two feet and urge her to invent her 'free' new life; it will lessen her pain perceptions the more she finds new interests, recovers old ones. Baby steps for old ladies!

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Ha! rereading my comment there^ made me chuckle, realizing that the once a week phone chat with mom can be like a 'date' with her; on a 'date' one puts their best foot forward, right? While you need to know her truly important issues, if the weekly chats are 'dates' mom may gradually make them more pleasant, minimizing the 'negative' stuff. Depending on your mom's ability to process/hear humor, tease her that only talking about 'bad' stuff might cause y'all to have to 'break up' (then it's on her to make the effort to KEEP you in her orbit.)

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It's too late to 'save' either my mother or my MIL.

I tried, believe me, I tried, b/c I also have a big heart and feel too much. It's what empaths DO.

But we also have a hard time with boundaries and we always believe if we just do A, B or C we will have fixed the 'problem'.

LOTS of therapy has gotten me to the point where I know all my efforts have been pretty much wasted and I have to STOP expecting either of the moms to be 'nice' to me.

I see my mom maybe once a month. Maybe. She NEVER calls me, now that I no longer drive her to BINGO once a week. I have not seen nor spoken to MIL for 2 years and although DH is very angry about that--there's absolutely NOTHING he can do to make me go see her. He wants me there to deflect all the crazy and to take the anger.

This site has saved my emotional bacon more than once. I really thought, for years, that it was ALL ME--something was wrong with ME that these 2 women seemed to hate me so much.

I'll struggle with this forever--it's not something that can be easily 'gotten over'. It takes work and talk and being self caring.

My MIL never leaves her house and has no friends. My mom goes to the Sr Center one day a week and has one friend and that's it. You live to 92 and there's not many people your age.

And, yes, I worry that I will become just like my mother. It terrifies me.

I notice my kids ALL call screen me. If they don't want to talk to me, they don't pick up the phone. It can be done.

I don't worry about feeling 'sad' when the moms die. I think there will be an enormous sigh of relief and some grief over what SHOULD have been. They've made their choices and I am not responsible to make them happy.

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I can sooo relate to your comment. I call block my mom otherwise I would start every morning hearing how I'm not her daughter anymore. I called her on Thanksgiving (my sister was on shift) and she yelled Happy Thanksgiving at me then hung up. I spend 36 hours a week with her and wear bose headphones so I can only see her mouth moving so she can speak her "truth". She has to rant and rage at me and she can no longer reason at all so I don't say anything anymore. I needed boundaries and I feel so much better giving myself permission to NOT listen.

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Perhaps get her a social worker or visiting Nurse or suggest a day program . She is looking for attention and to vent . My Mother was like that - after awhile she No Longer wanted to talk on the phone . Eventually she drifted off to another reality and was depressed . Maybe someone can treat her for depression . it sounds like you need some help for yourself - a therapist or a support group or Coach . I would say to My Mother " go for a walk , go for a swim , sit in the sun " After awhile I gave up . She was looking for attention and what she needed was psychiatric help .

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I read every single answer to your post.

My mom was a negative person.

Now that she’s gone, I seemed to have forgotten the bad times and wish she was here to give advice and talk to, In death, she keeps teaching me as I look back and wish I had paid more attention to what she had to say.

What would I have done differently? Engage in activities or hobbies that put my mind in a different place. Reach out and connect with friends. Look out the window and watch nature or the world. Refrain from complaining to anyone and listen instead.

A deacon at a nursing home once told me that no one knows the bitterness and anger of a caregiver.

We all know what they say about hindsight.

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Wishing it had been different or better simply doesn’t make it so. Of course there’s a bit of forgetting the bad after a while, we all forget more of the rotten crap that happens when raising children and recall more of the happy times. But this poster’s mom has been the way she is for her entire life. This old dog metaphorically speaking, isn’t going to learn any new tricks. Her cruelty is entrenched. And I’d never advise anyone to set themselves up for more of it now so they can avoid being sad over the loss later. Take care of yourself now, look out for your own mental and emotional health now

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As with other responders, lindas12, I have endured similar behavior from my mother. I was not the golden child but the responsible one. She was a nasty, bitter, selfish, condescending woman throughout my entire life. B****ing all the time about her horrible life here in the States - she married my dad who was military and moved here for the "American Dream" but was not content with what she got. Shrill screaming, door slamming, ignoring for weeks at a time .. I began calling her the Dragon in my high school years and that wasn't nearly as bad as it was after my dad passed away. She was a shell of herself for a little over a year and then my brother (golden child) convinced her to make some big decisions which ultimately cut me out of her will. I wasn't even aware of this until after she died. She even documented some of the WHY in the will itself, in case anyone was wondering. She left everything to my brother. I know he lead her to that decision so of course he & I rarely speak. I did get a counselor not that long ago, to try to let go of my hatred of my mother & try to learn to trust people again. I think the counselor(s) saved me from becoming a version of the same bitter person she was. I have a wonderful, caring man in my life who strengthens me .. we are now going down yet another similar road with HIS mother and I spend a lot of stressed out, sleepless nights feeling like this Mom #2 is squeezing the life out of us both. She is only 74, in poor health but I am sure she will live many more years. I don't like the picture I see of our future with her. She doesn't have enough money for a managed care place but she really can't or WON'T take care of herself. I have been thinking that I need to run back to therapy but have been stubborn .. Reading all the responses this morning during yet another near-sleepless night has tears rolling down my cheeks as I type this. Thank you for starting this thread, I needed it, too. Nobody ever says caregiving is easy .. harder still for us soft-hearted folks who have been gifted with a huge, caring heart. I'm thinking about all of you but especially you, lindas12. I'm also a linda s, and I love New York 🤗 please stick to creating those boundaries and protecting yourself emotionally. Elder abuse goes BOTH ways and people need to be mindful of this .. I loved what one responder said about how you would never let your neighbor treat you this way. Be strong, but be kind - and by all cost don't let your life fall by the wayside! You matter and you deserve to be happy. I wish that for all of us and I'm cheering for you over here in Seattle ❤

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Oh, my! I am SO GLAD YOU SHARED. I needed to hear your message. Thank you so, so much!!!

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Vickie, It's ok to not answer the phone. You aren't obligated to be her sounding board. Good job on developing boundaries--sounds like you want to shore them up a little more, which is the right thing for you. She rants because you've started to withhold the interaction she wants to get, so what you're doing is working.
IF you want to continue to interact with her do a ''Ooops, gotta run...'' every time the conversation starts to get negative.
You may want to seize control of the situation and just tell her you're super busy but will call her on the weekend to touch base, then limit the time you chat. When the conversation goes negative, hop off. Then it's on your terms. She may even start to refuse to call since she can't control you--all for the good. She eventually will call, because connection to her usual emotional dumping ground will be irresistable to her. ...and you just stay in control and set the schedule, and refuse to open the gates of the dump.
Without her being aware of her behaviors and wanting to move your relationship into something more respectful, it's unlikely that she will have some epiphany about how her negativity affects you.

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I thought for a second I wrote this minus the brother. I implemented several things as soon as I noticed my Mom's behavior was getting worse. I let the call go to voice mail. She normally does not leave a message and if she does, its her complaining about this or that. Most of the time she is reliving the past about my Dad and how he treated her even though I would remind her that he is dead and never coming back to apologize for what he did so she needs to get it over or goes on about how she sacrificed so much all her life for so many and now feels that she is owed. I received mental abuse from her in the past, and now every so often until I decided to set those boundaries. It saved me. I say set those boundaries and don't spend one minute second guessing your decision. Some (especially family) will try and push you to the brink that it can affect your physical health too. I am always thinking, if I had a stroke or heart attack by allowing her behavior to negatively affect me she would not be able to care for me because she is 80. She would just find someone else to complain to while I am in rehab trying to rebuild my life.

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The minute the negativity starts, say, “Sorry, I have plans for today (do not give her any information about your plans), say I’ll call you back later(don’t say when), hang up and then do not return her phone calls until you are good and ready. If she starts up again, do this technique again and again. Soon, you will be making the calls at your convenience and her negativity will have an immediate undesirable payoff. Eventually, she will get it. No arguments, no confrontations, nothing. Just say you have to get off the phone in a cheerful voice and hang up.

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All this about phone calls is great but what do you do when your deaf NPD mother (who refuses to use her hearing aids most of the time) won't actually *use* the phone (even though we bought her one for the hard of hearing), thereby forcing us to go round there whenever there has to be contact?!!

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Dear lindas12:
I think you and I are related. We must have the same mother. Well…maybe not physically, but at the very least, emotionally.
My mother has been abusive all her life. If she can’t control you with anger she feigns illness even to the point of saying, “I’m dying,” I can’t tell you how many times she’s told us of having a heart attack. She’s had none. She so pitiful that I’m convinced she’ll die of prostrate cancer someday.
My mom says she’s a Christian. She continually uses the one verse from the Bible she knows, “Honor your father and mother.” But she forgets about “(parents) don’t provoke your children to wrath.”
My father passed in 2008. Even after his death, when we were all she had, for the two years after his death she was so awful to us. I told her if she didn’t quit that she was going to die a lonely woman. And that NO ONE wanted that for her. I told her she needed to be nice and quit being the bitter hateful person she was. She was so abusive to us, lying to us so much, and railing on us continuously that my wife and I cut her off. We told her that if she didn’t stop acting the way she was that we wouldn’t see her or call her. She still didn’t stop, so we followed through and didn’t make contact for two years. We let her back in and she started again. Again, we cut her off for another year. That seemed to do the trick.
She is now 89 (today is her birthday) and lives alone, in another state. My wife and I retired and moved 3 years ago to be near grandchildren. I do call my mom every week, and she still tries her antics, but I just change the subject. If she still persists, I tell her to stop and if she doesn’t that I’ll hang up and call in a few days. And I have had to followed through, occasionally.
You can still love your mom, and should. But just because she’s your biological parent, that does not mean you have to put up with her abusive behavior. You wouldn’t allow a neighbor to treat you that way. You’d cut off associating with them. So why should she be allowed to cross those same boundaries because she’s related to her.
WARN HER and FOLLOW THROUGH, if she crosses the boundaries again.
BE BOLD!
Blessings,
Terry

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I had the same situation with a friend of many years and the hardest thing I ever did was cut ties with her. Just could not handle the demanding negativity all the time. I made the decision that I am no longer a dumping ground by people who really do not care about me at all. I realize this is your Mother, so a different situation but you cannot go on forever as it is not good for you. I suggest you talk with a councilor and go from there. Wish you the best!!

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This sounds familiar! I don't think I handled this bit well when it was happening to me!
One of my brothers has a good technique and although I wouldn't recommend as a rule of thumb - as it is a bit manipulative - it is a good way of dealing with negative people.
He is cheerful and responsive until the other person starts complaining and then he goes quiet. It is the contrast that makes the other person pause and consider what they have said. If he is pushed he will be 'called away'.

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I'm not sure I agree that this is manipulative, or at least in a bad way. The talker is getting immediate feedback that either rewards or penalizes them. It's a classic conditioning technique used on both humans and nonhumans. Another word for it is "training." I think it's an interesting approach when someone is overdrawn at the bank of goodwill and keeps getting deeper in debt. If the talker is a generally reasonable person, it might be best to start out by gently pointing out that they complain a lot, but if they persist, this seems like an effective technique.

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Hold your ground! Allow certain days for calls {tell her what those days will be…{saying mom I am busy the other days} and limit the time on the phone to what is emotionally manageable. . My brother has always said “Mom is happiest when she is unhappy”. That is a personality type. My mom is a depressive and treated with meds but it continues negatively into her 88th year. Listen and say very little. Any subject I dislike we just do not respond. It will take practice. Also counseling is soooo helpful and can be done online..Good Luck..

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"If I constantly play the listener role what will become of me?"

I like your word *play*.

If this was an actually play & you didn't like it, despite having bought a ticket, you could just walk out. This *play* has Mom in the leading role & you as a listening post. The ticket is sort of a social contract that you are the good child & will always obey. But that's ancient history - time to redefine your part.

Basically Mom can complain as long as she wants to whoever she wants. However, you have ZERO obligation to listen.

Some of us that are very empathetic probably struggle with cutting down contact when needed. And it is needed from time to time for self-protection. Or being assertive enough to move the conversation topic on.

My DH took quite a few calls from a sib going through a very hard time. I heard him saying things like "yeah you already told me that", "why are you telling ME? Tell X" & finally "I'm not your therapist..You don't have one? You should get one". Message received - 'vomit' calls stopped 😆

Sounds a bit harsh, but he reasoned sib seemed a bit stuck but talking about the same stuff over & over wasn't fixing anything. Plus if it wasn't for him to fix, he saw no reason to listen!

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"time to redefine your part" - excellent comment! We do play out the same role and I've even told mom I'm not a teenager anymore. I've been telling her I'm not a child anymore but kept forgetting I'm in control of me and I can choose to be an adult who has boundaries and not keep acting out the same "trying to please" role that has been completely ineffective.

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When my dreadful father phoned and was impossible, I gently put the phone down, went on reading my book, and waited for the silence followed by ‘Hello? Hello?’. Then I picked up the phone and said ‘Sorry, I was called away’. Repeat next time things get difficult. They can’t say that you hung up on them, but sooner or later they get the picture. It may be easier for you to do than blocking the number.

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I'm really sorry that you've found yourself in this situation. I live with my mom who is 65, has had two strokes, and as a result has turned into one of the most miserable, nasty, bitter, unkind people on Earth. I understand that things like life experiences, age, sickness and fear can all contribute to someone's bad attitude, but it certainly isn't your responsibility to be a sponge to soak all of that up. You're lucky that you can distance yourself from her, and if I were you I'd cut myself off nearly entirely. It sounds harsh, but let her miss you for a while and then she might be more reluctant to be abusive when she does see/hear from you. I understand feeling obligated to just take the punishment of it all because she's your mom and you want to give her someone to talk/vent to, but your health is more important and you don't owe her your undivided attention. Stay strong, stick to your boundaries, and good luck.

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Consider yourself blessed and fortunate that you and your mother don't live together and you don't have to be her caregiver.
You can screen her calls and let them go to voicemail. Then call her back only if you wish to.
You don't have to go her house and don't have to have her at your place either. I totally believe that your mother is exactly as you say. You mention a brother that she complains about to you. Does he live with her? If he does then he's the one who really lives the hardship and misery these days. My mother is exactly like yours. Only by unfortunate circumstances, I am forced to live with her and be her caregiver. I would not hesitate to put her in a nursing home this very day if that was an option but it isn't. I own the home but haven't owned it for five years or more which is the requirement for the Medicaid look-back period. I don't have money. So if I walked away now, I lose everything. It means I lived as a nanny-slave for years and it would all have been for nothing.
Establish some strong boundaries and try to get your siblings to as well. If you all stand in solidarity with the boundaries, you will all be a lot happier.
DO NOT be her listener anymore. All of you must stop this. If she gets attention or something she wants through negativity and complaining then that is what she will do every time.
It's like with a child. If the adult gives in because the child is having a tantrum over something, that child is going to have a tantrum every time they're told 'no' on anything. Elderly people can be like children and have to be treated the same.
This means when she starts up with the negativity and instigating a fight with one of you (constant negativity and complaining usually goes hand in hand with fight instigating), shut that down quick. Everyone can either ignore her totally or Gray Rock her big-time. This means basic needs only. Since you're not her caregiver, you don't even have to have and contact with her if you don't want to. I totally understand if you decided to have zero contact with her.
My mother (who is the same age as yours) gets warned in advance not to "start" if I'm taking her somewhere. They all know what not starting means and you won't have to explain. If the negativity and wallowing in self-pity starts before a special occasion, she gets left at home. If any instigating starts up at a family function like a holiday, she gets ignored or taken home. No one indulges her BS anymore.
Stop indulging your mother's BS and you all will see an improvement.

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"I own the home but haven't owned it for five years or more which is the requirement for the Medicaid look-back period."

How do you own the home but don't own it? Did Mom turn the home over to you within the 5 year lookback?

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How can someone 'demand' you answer the phone? Just don't answer the phone and unless she trots herself over to your house, she cannot 'demand' anything! Talk to her if & when YOU want to, and let her know that as soon as the talk gets toxic, you'll be hanging up. You'd be surprised at how quickly women like this 'get the hint' that we're serious when we ARE serious & stick to our guns with our intentions. Like with children, we have to be consistent, and end the conversation or visit EVERY TIME they start acting up, otherwise they know we're pushovers and the bad behavior continues. They know how far they can push us b/c we've TOLD them and SHOWN them, time and time again.

You don't need validation from us or from anyone else to set down your own boundaries with the woman and then stick TO them. This issue has obviously been going on for years now and only YOU can fix it, at least to some degree. I have a mother like yours who lives 4 miles away in Memory Care AL and regular AL since 2014. I set the rules on visits, phone calls and everything else otherwise my entire life would be usurped by her. And I am an only child so there's nobody else to share the burden with, so it's been especially important for me to set boundaries down & stick to them, or I'd be eating Xanax like Tic-Tac.

Take care of YOU and know that it's okay to do so. Mom isn't going to change, but she WILL get worse if dementia is an issue b/c what they were gets magnified with dementia. My mother was always angry & miserable, so now, she's angrIER and more miserable with advanced dementia.

What will 'become of you' is directly related to how strict you are with boundaries you set down for yourself NOW. Limit your exposure to the toxic fumes now so you won't be so poisoned down the road that you turn into a waste dump yourself!!!!

Good luck!

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Well said. I worried I was becoming like mom. The negativity is all encompassing. I still worry because I fear dementia now for myself now but I'm slowing down and reflecting on my own words before I speak. Mom has no filter (never did) but I am actively trying to be more conscious of my words and choosing to be different than her. Boundaries and active choices are so important so we can learn from the experience of elder care instead of just being burdened by it.

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"She constantly talks and needs attention all day and is cheap on top of that and does not want to spend a dime even though she inherited $590,000."

"I have 5 siblings and my mother favors my youngest brother who is now 45. She sold my dad's house when he died and got $590,000 from it and my brother milked her for so much money. She gave him $30,000 to pay his backed mortgage payments, bought him a Cadillac and gave him a credit card for gas, food, etc. And all she did for me was buy me a cup of coffee. I guess she thought I was completely self sufficient and didn't need anything because I did not ask for anything. I do ask for my some of my dad's statues which she also gave to my brother instead. Very hard to deal with a parent who favors one child over the other. It kind of made me feel distant from her because she did not favor me at all. So I moved away and now I feel bad she is 81 and fending for herself because no one really visits her anymore."

It will be interesting to see what happens when your mother needs help. You seem to be the only one who is in contact with her now. You have set firm boundaries with her. Seems like you will be the one who is expected to step in when she gets ill/falls, etc.

She fell once before, and it's only a matter of time before it or something else happens again. She has some money, and doesn't like to spend it. Will you be able to let her struggle?

Does anyone have her POA/HCPOA? I suggest you push for her to make your younger brother; her POA/HCPOA, since he already got paid by her.

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I bet your the child who could always be made to feel guilty. Or, you see Moms needs and have compassion enough to try and help.

I had more written and lost it. I am assuming what CTTN wrote is from previous posts you have made.

Keep setting those boundries. If anyone "owes" Mom anything its the favored child. If Mom has any of this money left, than she can afford a nice Assisted living. Tell Mom u have a life. That her calls will have to be just one. Pick a time. You no longer want to hear about her complaints about money or health. If she can't call with anything positive, then don't call. You can be there for her, but on your terms and in your time. She needs you more than you need her. When she gets nasty, say "I am hanging up and please don't call me back if you are going to be nasty". As its been said before on this forum "You set the tone with how someone treats you".
The next time Mom calls and gets nasty maybe tell her you need a break from her. Say "I'll call you in a week. Hopefully you will not be so negative". Then block her. This way you won't know if she calls or not.

I have a niece who was here visiting for a weekend. We were in the checkout line at the grocery store when nieces phone rang. She looked at it and put it away. It had been her Mom and she called her back when we got to the car. When she tried her Mom, she didn't answer. My niece said "She does this all the time when I don't pick up" Not sure if SIL called back or niece tried again but niece said "I was in the check out line". When she hung up she said "that could have waited till I got home". This is a red flag of things to come. My niece has become a strong woman but she has a tender heart. I feel she can set boundries but her Mom will not make it easy.

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Exactly right JoAnn29. The golden favored-child is the one who owes her and none of the others.
The golden child in my family passed away and the only other besides myself has strong boundaries. She will not allow our mother to pull her nonsense with her.
If there was nothing in it for me, she would be in the nursing home, and I make sure she knows it.
Elders know how far they can push us and how much they'll get away with. My mother knows that the tolerance level I have for certain behaviors is very low or non-existent. This has been so for several years now and our situation has improved somewhat. This improvement only happened through a lot of Gray Rocking for long periods of time with plenty of strong boundaries and often ignoring her. This is what works.

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