I'm starting to feel the judgement of others of how i'm handling this caregiving chore. They think I should walk away or wonder how I do it, but what are my choices. I don't see anyone stepping in to help or even staying engaged. They have no idea of what emotional toll it is taking.
Gift giving is an act of battling guilt. If you don't send me cards, I'll have less to feel guilty about! ha.
Meanwhile back at the ranch...The exterior self tries to unite with the inner joyous untouched spirit-self. How can we do this holiday business so that it is healing for the "loved ones" and hey, maybe even me? Oh God...are You still waiting for me? I'll get to you...later...maybe later. I think God will sneak into my heart when I forget myself and drop my guard: not the mouth-guard, that is.
Every Christmas the "magic" people refer to is just that. The softening of hurt feelings, and the letting go of bad memories, as you wrap a present and give it anyways. Somewhere in all this is the flickering candle of love that miraculously survives the storms of caregiving. When it finally sinks into my presence I can bask in the beauty of gratitude.
Peace and yes, let's still be glad for all we have, who we are with, and for the miracle of ourselves and the strength that goes on.