I’m 21 years old and I haven’t lost anyone in my immediate family yet so this is new to me. My grandpa who was extremely active and outgoing was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and cancer 5-6 years ago and his health has declined very rapidly. My grandparents live with my parents and so do me and my siblings. He went from a walking stick to a walker to now completely immobile within the last few years and his speech has been immensely impacted as well so has his vision. The grandpa I once knew is no longer there and it has been very hard to face that. As his condition is getting worse I know I need to spend time with him or I’ll regret that forever but it kills me to see him in this way. My grandma who is his caregiver and does everything for him has grown to resent him and seeing her talk to him in such a cruel way infuriates me but I also see her pain and cannot blame her. She’s quite old herself too and she’s doing all she can. That still doesn’t mean I can sit there and see all that. I am a full time university student and work around 20 hours which means I have limited time at home to begin with but I know his condition is getting worse and it’s clear that he is in the last few stages of his life. I really want to spend time with him but it emotionally takes a toll on me whenever I see him in this condition. Because just a few years ago he was up and running and it kills me to see how he has become. I have never dealt with death of someone I spent that much time with before and this is the first time so I don’t know how to deal. I feel guilty for not spending time with him but it’s heartbreaking to see him like that. I feel selfish and horrible. I don’t know what to do.
Try not to be too judgmental toward your grandmother because she's probably grieving her husband and it's easier to be angry than sad. Grieving someone while they're still alive is painful.
I am sure he knew how much that you loved him.
You are a very sweet granddaughter!
My grandfather was larger than life to me when I was growing up. I adored him. He died when I was a teenager. I missed him terribly after he was gone.
It sounds like your grandfather is very special to you too.
I am sure that your grandfather knows how very much you love him. Wishing you peace as you go through this difficult time with your grandparents.
First, you do what is best for YOU. It's OK if you really don't want to spend much time with him. It's also OK for you to accept that. he has a lot of issues, is declining, and has limited time left. You are grieving for the grandpa you used to have. He's unfortunately already gone, little by little. It's very sad. But it is also pretty common. I'd say try for very short visits. Tell him you love him. And do not have any regrets over what you did or did not do. Make your choice and stand by it. We can play the coulda/shoulda game but it does not help us any to make ourselves feel guilty. You have a right to have a life and be busy and active. Especially at your young age!
Grandma needs some help! Do your parents help with his care and give grandma a break at all? They're probably really busy people too. At this point, with grandma being resentful and burnt out, she NEEDS a break. If they have ANY money (even if they don't like to spend it) she MUST get some help. She needs to get away from being his caregiver for a number of hours, preferably every day. She needs to breath. She needs to take care of herself. Please talk to your parents about getting her some help. Actually, have your parents read this forum and all the great advice you are getting.
Best of luck!