Feeling bad about not spending time with a loved one getting worse but also not having the heart to see them like that. What do I do?

I feel for you and your family. My first thought is that your grandmother seems to be burnt out, and could use a break herself. Maybe talk with your parents about getting grandmother some help or looking into other arrangements? This arrangement doesnt seem to be working for her. As for your grandfather, spending time with him doesn't have to be lengthy. If you feel up to it perhaps a hello, a hand on the shoulder. Let him know you're there, so he feels loved. Since you live in the same house you are in a position where you can spend just a couple minutes here and there, in small doses. You've got a busy life and more power to you for attending university and working! You can feel proud of yourself! Your feelings about grandfather seem like grief to me, seeing him change right before your eyes is hard to watch. I think I would feel the same way. Take heart and just know that grandfather may not even remember you visited him, but will remember how you make him feel, even if just for a few minutes at a time. Best wishes.

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position Leena, my heart goes out to you. I'm not sure dealing with the death of a loved one ever gets easy, but the first time we have to encounter such a thing is definitely VERY hard. I don't think you should feel selfish or horrible that you don't want to spend all your spare time with grandpa, especially since it's stressful watching grandma mistreat him. Perhaps you can offer to relieve grandma for a little while and take over FOR her; sit with grandpa and give her a rest once in a while. That will allow you to sit with him, undisturbed by her ugly behavior, and also give her a bit of a break. Just hold his hand and even if he's not very responsive, chances are good he'll know you're there.

Is hospice on board to help grandpa stay comfortable during his end of life journey? I know that helps ME when hospice is there to keep my loved ones pain free and anxiety free so I know they're not suffering.

Remember that you've already spent a lot of quality time with your grandfather since you've been living together, and those are the moments you should focus on. If it upsets you to see him in this deteriorated condition, limit the time you DO spend with him and read him a book so you can focus on the words on the page instead of on his face. I know how hard this whole scenario is, so I'm sending you a hug and a prayer for you to find acceptance with his ultimate passing. It has always helped me to know that once my parents passed, they were free of their wheelchairs and bodily limitations and able to run and dance free again w/o pain or misery of any kind.

Dear Leena, it’s hard to cope with this when you are young and very busy, but here are some suggestions – practical but I hope not too harsh.

You are thinking too much about yourself, your emotions, your past experiences, your own sorrow, and your ‘guilt’. Stop. Just view this as something you need to do, for a reason – like organising your time to do an assignment, and getting it in on time. Your reason to visit is to feel that you have done the right thing, and that if possible it has given a little pleasure to your grandfather.

Decide how much time you can give – 15 minutes once a week? Just ‘spending time with him’ is not the point, and it won’t relive the past good times.

My suggestion (based on experience) is to go, sit in a chair beside his bed, hold his hand (stroke or little squeezes too), and talk to him so he hears your voice. Don’t expect him to answer, just hope he knows you are there. You can talk about your own life, or your memories of things you did with him in the past. At one point with my FIL, I read to him poetry that he learned in school. It was an old six bed ward, and some of the other old guys were straining to hear it too, because it was also part of their own childhoods! Then give him a kiss on the cheek, and walk out. Feel good that you have done what you could to help, as well as feeling the sadness of it all. It's hard, but you can cope!

Very best wishes, Margaret

Guess what, it breaks everyone else's hearts to see their loved ones "that way" too, but maturity means sometimes we end up doing stuff that is difficult and painful. Figure out things you can still do together, get some oversized cards and play some games, bring him a special treat (coffee and a doughnut?) and share it with him, or bring in a take out meal for all of you to enjoy. If he can't be left alone and needs a sitter do your studying there so your grandmother can go out - no need to make conversation at all. Just little things that can make a big difference.

Leena,

I understand that this is the hard stuff of life, but it's time to cowgirl up and spend the time with your grandpa that you may later regret not spending with him. I recall that when I lost the first of my beloved grandparents, it was my granddad, dying of cancer; I had a very hard time facing his mortality. And I was a nurse and an aid before that, still had a hard time of it.

One thing that may help you is to talk to your parent(s) about the behaviors of your grandmother - whose brain is also 'broken' from the ravages of aging and dementia. It may be that their POA needs to step in and get her some help or even see that it's time to have them both placed in an elder care facility. She is suffering and none of us come into any difficult stage of life with the full set of tools required to pass through these life stages with complete grace.

Maybe you can make some family inquiries and facilitate some positive changes for both of your grandparents.

Regardless, spend the time with your grandpa that you are able to and tell him all of the ways that you love and honor him. Do not be afraid of speaking with him about his mortality; he's staring it in the face every day. He may be able to guide you and help you because he's lived long and gained the wisdom to share this with you.

You might also wish to spend some time online exploring the grieving process - that is what you're experiencing: anticipatory grief, and insight is helpful.

Take the time now to say everything that you wish your grandpa to know about your love and appreciation of him, tell him how much he means to you and don't hide your tears from him. He already knows.

*Hugs*

Ok, I am struggling to answer this question in a calm way and that is helpful. As humans I believe we are suppose to build each other up not tear each other down. I will never devalue the pain in watching a love one decline. Watching hubby decline from stroke is heart wrenching. And yes the first time dealing with this part of life is very hard. Thank you reaching out for guidance, it was the best thing you could do.

(Ok, the question what should you do?
Put on your big girl panties, pull yourself by your boot straps and get in there!)


you grandma is old and tired and as hard as it is for you to see grandpa she is seeing the same thing and her pain is worse. This is her husband, her life mate. This is source of her cruel behavior. Help her out! With more help she just might get nicer. What about your parents are they helping? They should be if not and tell them so, loudly. Imagine what your grandfather is thinking. Why doesn’t my grand daughter want to see me?

when hubby had stroke I begged his youngest daughter to visit even offered to pay plane ticket. I thought me and her had good relationship, she had an CNA, worked in nursing home/rehab and ERs. She told me one of the reasons for not visiting was cause she didn’t want to see daddy like that. The words I wanted to tell her is not allow on this forum. I’ll never forget or forgive her for that. It’s been 10 yrs since we seen her all because the stroke that destroyed her father was too hard on her. Completely selfish and cruel.

Ask yourself "Is this about me and my feelings, or about making Grandpa happy to have some company and taking some of the burden of his care off Grandma?"

Imagine how hard it must be for him to know how much he's declined and that his own family can't bear to be around and resents him. The best thing you can do is show him that you love him no matter what state he's in.

Before everyone keeps piling on Leena remember, we were all young once too and I doubt any of us were as perfect as we seem to believe we were. I get that this post pushes buttons for a lot of us, but let's be careful not to project our own negative family history onto the OP.

Hi Leena. Thank you for sharing your experience. Your question is a difficult one to answer and truly tugs at the heart. It sounds like you love your grandpa very much and he must be very proud of you being a full-time university student and working part-time.

Losing someone you love dearly is never easy. Sometimes, we lose loved ones unexpectedly, leaving no opportunity to spend time with them to do all of the things we wish we had did, if we knew they would be gone.

As difficult as it is for you to see your grandfather in his current state, you have the opportunity to just hold his hands, be with him, and talk with him before it's too late. Make him laugh, share stories with him that reminds him how special you are and how much you love him as your grandfather. Your love for him is strong and of course you do not wish to see him suffering, but you will certainly regret not spending time with him at this time. Showing your grandmother your love for him might also help her understand that his conditions were not his choice.

Ultimately, you have to decide if you want to be by his side or not for the remainder of his life . But no matter what you decide to do, your decision will always be the right one, as it is yours and only yours to make.

Be strong.

Leena, as sad and unfortunate as it is, your grandpa has become a burden to your grandma.

I would ask your parents to get grandma some help, even if she says she doesn't want or need it. Her behavior shows she does.

Taking care of another human being is hard. It is more than one person can handle and grandma is slipping her knot and being abusive. Time for their child to intervene.

Please speak with your parents about getting her some help and getting grandpa some meds to help him be more emotionally stable.

Losing our elder loved ones is part of life but, it is really hard to experience, especially the 1st time.

Love him the best way you can, he probably understands more then he can tell you.

When my mom went deep into her Alzheimer's most of the grandchildren found it difficult to visit her and wanted to remember her as they knew her before. I didn't understand, but accepted it. One grandson took over a lot of caregiving for her to relieve me a bit for four months. He was paid of course, but mostly in doing so, he became even closer to her than he had been before. Yes, it was hard at first to witness her memory issues and her inability to run her own life, but he adjusted and I think he got a lot out of the experience. For myself, ten years of caring for her and eventually being her advocate when she had to go into care facilities also gave me insight into her strength of character. At your age no one would expect that you be a caregiver for Grandpa, but because you ask the question of what you should do, means you really care and are hurting over this It's an emotional question you ask. I suggest you change your approach bit by bit and try looking at things from his perspective, and just sit with him. That is if it is relatively safe with the covid thing spreading again right now. Are there ways you could set up some entertainment for him, where you would not have to be there with him, but he would know you are providing it? I can tell you for sure that grandchildren mean so very much to us old ones. The tiniest gesture goes a very long way. And toward Grandma too, who seems to be struggling as well.

Leena, it's difficult all around: It's difficult to see your grandfather in his current state, it's difficult for him to have to be in his current state, it's hard for your grandmother to care for him, it's hard for your parents to have to live with this. Plus you're likely afraid to see this and be forced to accept it and it's difficult and scary, and frankly, kind of gross to see what happens to the human body over time. You've never dealt with this before and it's going to make you uncomfortable and sad. Go easy on yourself, but visit with him for a little bit. It may be only 15 minutes because he likely may not want to visit for longer than that. Leena, you're in the throes of growing into an adult. You're not selfish, you're not horrible, you are a bit afraid and that's okay...you'll make it through this stage. You can do it.

God bless you...I know how hard it is.
There are two ways to look at this: your granddad will not know you, will not know whether you are there or not.
I think visiting someone who is 'not there' anymore is more for us than for them.
The older I get the more I don't want to have regrets...if you fear regrets, visit your granddad before he died.
As far as your grandmother goes, she's under terrible stress. She needs help.

Leena, my heart goes out to you and I am there too. For the first three months I cried all the time I was looking after my mother but after I took a month off and am now back, it’s much better. I kept asking myself, why am I crying when she’s 99 and had a great life? Indeed I was crying for my loss not hers. That knowledge didn’t quite stop my tears but it made me able to think more of the little smiles and jokes we share NOW and less of what once was. Good luck, stay as sensitive as you are and keep courage!

Don’t beat yourself up. This is hard for anyone to face. Keep the wonderful memories you have of him. He didn’t ask for this illness. In his final season, enjoy his presence if and when you can. Sounds like your grandma is burning out. The family needs to find assistance for her. She can’t do it alone. All the best.

I suggest setting up at least a few sessions with a therapist. Is there a health care center at your university? If so, there should be someone available to speak with you about how to deal with what you're going through.
Eventually, everyone experiences the decline and death of someone they love. You're scared about this eventuality and feeling guilty, and also making excuses about how you have no time-- that is not true. You are an energetic full time student and you can handle a visit with your grandfather once a week or every other week.
Is there something you can share with him? Can you read to him, or take him out of the house for a walk? What is he capable of at this time? Yes, just sitting there with him can be very sad, so maybe an activity you can still do together will help?
You can also visit him briefly, for 15 or 30 minutes. You decide.
Have none of your friends gone through the death of a loved one?
Start talking to the therapist, make a plan, and step up to the plate. Live in the present moment and stop awfulizing what is going to happen, and be present.
Take these steps to be with your grandfather in these final years and you will appreciate the time you spend with him.

Push past your discomfort and sit with your grandfather - it will be the one defining thing you do for both you and him. Think about how your grandfather feels about the people he loves who are now resenting and/or avoiding him. Talk to the man he was and STILL IS inside, tell him about what you're doing when you walk out of the house, school, your job, your girlfriend, current sports, old memories. Perhaps help your grandmother with one small task. The first step is the hardest, but eventually it will get easier and easier, and you will be so grateful you did.

Hi Leena,

Thanks so much for bringing this up, you sound like such a caring and self aware person.

Different situation but a little similar; I dread each and every visit with my mother. Sometimes it’s really bad. However I make myself go and afterwards while I don’t feel great I also see that the dread before is stronger than the feelings after I’m there. Every time I visit I remind myself that I feel worse before I go than after, and I know I did the right thing ( without martyring myself! )

Maybe a very short visit at first to get your feet wet? It helps to have a cutoff time. Maybe coincide it with a dentist appointment or something so there is a legitimate reason to leave and you don’t have to fib. Planning something simple and nice after the visit/s can help too. After I sit with mom I usually sit at a park bench with lunch , or go to a bakery and buy too many treats, that sort of thing.

Also when my father was passing it was HORRIBLE. Like 11 out of 10 for hideousness. I sat with him and what helped me a LOT was I told a couple bffs who ‘got it’ to send me funny and cute texts. So I’d sit with my Dad and every time I nipped off to the restroom or the hall I looked at kitten memes and other goofy stuff. Then I’d go back to my Dad. This is such a small simple thing but it made a huge difference in an emotionally shredding situation.

Big hug to you

PS Okay maybe a dentist appointment after a visit with LO isn’t the best plan - based on personal experience- but you get the idea!

Dear Leena-
So many people…..so much advice.
I’ll just quickly share my own experience. I left home at 19 and never went to see my beloved Grandma once she went to the home.
I’m almost 70 now and caring for my husband who is 80 and in poor health. It’s very hard to do this job and not get impatient.
It’s sad to me that his kids don’t come to see him very often and don’t seem to want to be here when they do come.
It makes me realize how much it would have meant to Grandma AND TO ME if I had truly given her a few minutes near the end.
If you can find the strength, go see him. Hold his hand and tell him what’s going on in your life. Tell him you love him. It’s OK to cry. Just BE THERE.
You will BOTH be better for it.
…if you can’t…..I believe he will understand and forgive you, but you might still be wondering when you’re 70.
Love & Hugs

Get over being selfish and grow up . Life Happens and people die . Take a CBD Gummie if you need to chill or Have a Glass of wine . Your spending sometime with your Grand Father will mean the world to him.

It’s hard, but go see him as much as you can. You love him and he loves you.

Grow up and deal with things as they are. Quit wishing for things to be different. Your Grandpa doesn’t have much time left. You do have your own obligations, true, but don’t avoid him, because it’s too hard for you.

You will NEVER regret spending time with him in his last days.

You WILL deeply and forever regret not spending time with him.

Death is part of life and this time it’s your grandpa, soon it will be your grandma and then your parents. Get a grip and do what’s right.

This is your first encounter with the inevitable. Arrange your visit and Make it brief Turn off any external negative comments/thoughts from your grandmother. Give them both a hug, say “I love you” and leave asap.

Ah, the many, many stages and phases of life💕. Most of us go through those many stages and I tend to believe the strong must help the weak!
Your emotions have got you in a quandary. Just remember fear subsides, anger subsides, sadness subsides.
Make it your mission to visit your grand dad..as you know his time may be limited. The visit doesn’t have to be long… it just has to happen.
Take a book of poetry to read or maybe print out some events that happened the year he was born.. he may recall some things as they tend to remember their past more than future events.

I can imagine you don’t just want to sit there, so make some memories! And if you can, include grandma…find your creativity , the fact that there both elderly means they don’t need a whole lot of stimulation so just something simple. Don’t “allow” that emotion of fear to make you stay away!!
Wishing you the best outcome 💕

My heart is with you, I understand your feelings. My husband has dementia and cancer and because I could not keep him safe I had to place him in memory care. It hurts terribly to see him decline each day. However I try to put myself in his place, realizing what he is going through. He still knows who I am and his eyes light up and a warm smile comes on his face when he see me.
i think your grandfather loves you very much and remembers all the good times he shared with you as you grew up. Being with you now would probably bring back memories that would give him great pleasure in his difficult life. Death is an enemy that none of us want to face but have to. I think that living will be much easier for you in the future if you show your grandfather now much you love him by being there for him now as he faces death.
Something that helps me through each day and every visit is prayer, knowing that our Creator understands what we go through and will give us the strength to do the right thing.

Can your family afford to put him into a nursing facility or get part time or full time care in the home? Don’t feel guilty about any of this. He needs more help than Grandma and your family is able to provide. Expect to go through many phases of adjustments with his health, medications, sleep habits, incontinence, emotions, habits, hygiene, memory, anger, etc. it’s time consuming and taxing on your heart and health. Expect it all. It’s okay to need professional and experienced help-no matter if he wants it or not. It’s time for tough love and your family to seek help. Good luck!

Leena,
You are a wonderful granddaughter to find this forum and ask the question.
I was 19 when I lived with my paternal grandparents for a year during college (they lived a block from the college). My dad was in the military and stationed in Europe. I cleaned, I made meals, I did laundry and listened to these two bicker back and forth. I showered my grandmother once a week. She didn't walk well, the shower was in the basement. It was hard, but I had a friend that I was able to talk to and work through daily/weekly issues. My maternal grandparents (living in a different state) were a little younger and were able to help me "grok" my situation.
I moved colleges and stayed with my maternal grandparents for summers for two years before getting married. Neither of my siblings had these experiences. When my paternal grandfather died, I was able to help my dad process what was needed for his mom. My uncle lived in same town with his parents and was having trouble getting my dad (his brother) to understand the situation.
When my paternal grandmother died, I was able to get my dad to go with me to the funeral, got the three cousins to speak to each other and renew a childhood relationship. That was 25 years ago.
I am now the "supervisor" for care for my parents along with caregivers.
I "coped" by putting some of the "memories" in a mental box to process later. I truly believe that life is eternal and this body is not who we really are. It means it is worth working through every situation, finding the good, doing good, not asking ourselves to handle every situation perfectly the first or thirtieth or three hundredth time. Lots of forgiveness for ourselves and others knowing there is "history" and back stories and memory slips/forgettfulness.
If your grandmother didn't love your grandfather immensely, she wouldn't be there. We call it "crankiness" in my household. I've heard my parents scream at each other for moments for years. Seeing them together (it will be 60 yrs on Thursday, 15 Dec 2022) is cute, even when they still argue.
I find I have three choices - laugh, cry, or get angry - so I laugh because it lets the brain think. I take lots of deep breaths and know (my prayers to God) all will be taken care of, whatever it is I need to know/do I will take the actions, ask the questions, see the issues...etc. because I love.
One of the scenes of a Harry Potter movie is handing bogarts - it changes into the thing you fear the most. The spell word is "ridiculous". You change the "fear" into something ridiculous (Ron imagine roller skates on a giant spider) and use the word to banish the bogart. When needed, I use this mind trick with my parents, caregivers, siblings, work...everything.
You know (are capable of believing in yourself) the balance you need between visits and school. Do not second guess your decision(s), stick with what works for you in this moment and know the experiences you choose are/were best for you given what you know/knew at the time. All is well, all will be well (yes, that is a prayer at the same time).
You are a wonderful granddaughter to find this forum and ask the question. Deep breath.

Why is your grandmother handing all of the responsibility for his care while living in same home as children and grandchildren? She is wearing out before your eyes. It is a very overwhelming and frustrating job. Please don't stand by and have any judgment thoughts toward how she is feeling or acting at this point in her life. She's probably more angry about the situation than toward him.

Do what you can to help her. That, in turn, will help your grandfather. Take whatever of the load you can from her shoulders so that she can take a breath. If you can help her with changing the bed and talking with her as the job is done, some of the frustration will be removed for her. ASK her what you can do to help her as she watches her husband fade before her eyes.

It's very difficult to see a loved one in the last leg of their life journey, but it can happen at any point in our life. A daily 'I love you' or touch on his hand may comfort him even though he cannot communicate well. Imagine if you were in the bed, unable to really say what you want, and your mom/dad/sibs refused to enter the room because it is hard. No one wants to spend their days like that and I doubt anyone wants to pass this life alone. This situation is hard and there will be even harder similar situations like this in your life. I encourage you to visit with him.

Well, you just might be the perfect person who can research the best Assisted Living facility in your area and there is a program that can house both of them, they're called Continued Care Retirement Communities (which is complicated and requires you to make an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney).

You really need to interview grandma to see which way she would prefer; to continue living in your multi-generational home or to go with Dad. Either way, Mom needs a vacation, so see if she can go to a health resort (with friend or family?).

Yep, you're very smart to have shown up here 40 or 50 years before the rest of us: you can provide your entire family with knowledge.

It is so difficult to see someone you care about suffering with declining health. You're also dealing with the frustrations of not being able to do anything about it as well as mourning the vibrant person that they were before all this happened.
I'm a few decades older than you, and have a lot of regrets having to do with the loss of family members and friends. I know I wasn't there when I should have been because of a number of reasons. These included not knowing what to say, knowing the eventual outcome, feeling uncomfortable, sad, etc. and just avoided the whole situation.
I wish I had told them how I felt. That I loved them, will miss them, am sorry about what they're going through, just thanking them for being in my life and letting them know how much I appreciate them.
My dad had a stroke and could no longer speak. I struggled with seeing him like that and being the one doing all the talking, not knowing what he was thinking. Still, I wish I had visited more. My mom has dementia and doesn't remember what was said, even a minute later, so it's a bit different.
On quick review, 50 to 80 percent of people with Parkinson's may have dementia in the end stage, meaning there is a good chance that your grandfather is cognizant! He is most likely frustrated and may be scared and feeling lonely. Just let him know you're there and how you feel. Be present and acknowledge his presence.
I certainly wish I'd done more of that when I had the chance. You still have time!

As a sole caregiver for my Dad, who has Alzheimers, let me offer my thoughts-for what they're worth.
Your Grandma has your parents for help and support, but it gets old real quick answering the same questions over and over. It gets old changing diapers and doing laundry for someone who has declined.
As a wonderful Christmas gift this year, would you and your siblings each commit 20 minutes to sit with Grandpa, or take Grandma out/away alone? That would give the caregiver adults (your parents) something to look forward to weekly-especially if you could each offer a time frame (ie. Saturday afternoons, or Sunday morning (so she could attend worship services), or Tuesday morning for coffee (old people often wake early), or Friday evening to watch a particular tv show with him.
It IS a sacrifice, but you could lighten the load of 3 adults and get valuable time with your Grandpa who loves you and sacrificed for you through the years. Try to serve your Grandparents in a way now that you can sleep well and have no regrets later.
You voiced what so many of us feel. I feel selfish for not doing more, listening more, sitting more with my Dad. I have 0 help.