Why do I feel like I can't do this anymore?
My MIL's youngest is coming to visit on the 4th. She knew he was coming last week but FORGOT on Monday - denied knowing - she got upset because I mentioned that she forgot.
Then this morning, I vacuumed her apt, (an addition to our home) and scrubbed her floors. I notice her pension check on the desk and took it and wrote a note that I would cash it for her while I was doing errands this afternoon.
She came in and said 'HOW can YOU cash MY check without me signing it???!!! I said my name is on your account and she said "well, now i HAVE LOST TOTAL CONTROL!"
Just a side note - she put my name on her account of her own free will 8 years ago - before her memory issues began (pre stroke). I have paid all her bills for three years - ever since she wrote an $865 check to pay an $8.65 bill. She cashes her pension check and that is her mad money. Her bills, groceries and prescriptions come out of her SS check that goes into her checking acct.
The problem now is that she got upset with me - insinuated that I was 'taking' her pension check. I have cashed her pension check numerous times when she isn't able to get out or the weather is bad. Never have I kept one cent of it.
She said something that 'set me off' and I said - maybe it is time to rethink things. if you aren't happy here - other arrangements can be made. She said YES, LET DO THAT!!!! and turned around and went back to her apt. She has been pouting in there for 3 days ever since I suggested that she 'forgot' that her son was coming.
Her bath lady came and the first thing out of her mouth was 'Well, it looks like the kids are thinking about putting me in a nursing home.' WE HAVE NEVER USED THE TERM NURSING HOME to her. If anything, it would be assisted living.
I went in and of course I was upset - because she was insinuating that we were going to put her away in front of her bath lady. I told the bath lady that SHE was the one who said she definitely wanted other arrangements made. If she isn't happy here - she we force her to stay?
Then her bath lady said to me 'Well, Oldcodger2, just WHAT DO YOU DO here, anyway? Insinuating that I do nothing for my MIL. I have nursed her through surgeries - sleeping on her couch for 2 weeks post surgery, nursed her for 6 weeks pre surgery (another surgery) when she was bedridden - this was PRE BATH LADY - so I did that, including wiping her butt since she was to weak to do it. I puller her upright, put a wash cloth under her foot to pivot her to the commode, then pivoted her back to bed or to the wheel chair. This was 24/7 for 6 weeks. The last surgery - we decided to let her recoup in the swing unit of the hospital until she could be up and around.
I prepare her meals, do her shopping, order and pick up meds, organized her 'calendar' of numerous doctor appointments. There were times when we had 12 appointments in one month - entailing an hour drive each way and for 6 of those procedures - required me to wait 6 hours before bringing her home.
Obviously - all this constitues 'nothing.' I think I am just plain tired of doing nothing and I want to stop. Do I have the right to stop? Sure, I know others have it far worse. But since her stroke in December - it is the memory issues and the snide remarks that have gotten to me. I know I am 'way too short tempered' to be a good caregiver anymore. Is it wrong to think about NOT being her caregiver anymore? Her other two children have left her care to us and basically, it is me - but, I forgot, I don't DO anything - so why should I be upset?
I am sorry, but I am upset. My MIL tells everyone she cares for herself. Thankfully, she can take care of her personal needs. But 90%+ of her meals I cook. IF she tries to cooks something - it is often inedible.
When she came in (she was outside on the patio) she complained of the bleach smell (I used Clorox Clean up to scrub her floors and clean her commode and toilet.) She said "I just scrubbed the floor." I told her it needed it again. The corners were dirty and full of little bugs and there were drips in front of the refrigerator - basically, it needed a good scrubbing on hands/knees and she can't do that anymore.
Often, I will do her dishes and clean her sink (she doesn't run the disposal sometimes and it gets so gross) and basically, just can't clean the way she used to. But, I don't DO anything - I forgot, the invisible cleaning fairy does it :0)
I think I am going to have a stroke myself. I hit a wall 2 years ago and I have never been the same since. If SHE makes me miserable and I make HER miserable - isn't it time to rethink things if possible? Doesn't she deserve that too?
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The most drastic way to rethink things would be to physically move MIL out of your home. If she can afford a nice assissted living facility that may be best all around. Instead of being her landlord and caregiver you could be her advocate and friend. This might indeed reduce the misery. Perhaps this is the best step to take next. But I'd at least consider les drastic changes first.
You could rethink who does what. No doubt her little apartment can use some hands-and-knees deep cleaning once in a while. But you can hire people to do that on a regular basis. If she goes into ALF the deep cleaning and the meal prep and laundry and other homemaking tasks are going to be done by "outsiders" paid for doing them -- that could happen right where MIL is, without the more drastic change. No one appreciates the hard work you do? Hire that hard work out. This might reduce an element of tension between you and MIL. Please don't dismiss it without carefully considerng it.
You could rethink your attitude about the situation. Poor MIL is losing her memory and her cognitive abilities. Caring for someone in this state is significantly different than caring for someone with just physical impairments. Adjustments are necessary in how you approach the task and what you expect. OF COURSE she does not appreciate being reminded that she has forgotten something. Don't rub it in. "Oh. I'm so sorry it wasn't clear to you that Billy will be here this week. I thought you knew that. I didn't mean for it to be a surprise. Next time I'll write it down so we'll both remember." Rethink how you react to what she is "insinuating." She is no longer in her right mind, remember? You have to make all kinds of allowances for her behavior, and learn not to take it so personally. In the old days if she accused you of mismanaging her money you would be justified in feeling hurt and defensive and maybe angry. The old days are gone. She can't remember that you've done this service for her, let alone be grateful for it.
You are upset because of what the bath lady said?! Who cares? You know what you are doing. I sincerely hope that your husband knows what you are doing. The members of these discusson boards know what you are doing. Share your feelings and experiences with the folks who can understand what you are going through. Do not expect understanding from your cognitively-impaired MIL, or from outsiders. Just because someone is trained to give bathes doesn't mean they have a professional understanding of the family caregiving role. Develop a thicker skin. Don't give uninformed people to power to upst you.
It is very, very hard to rethink the nature of your relationship with someone who now has dementia or other mental impairments. There is no shame in getting help with this hard task. Join a support group. Get some counselling.
My heart goes out to you, oldcodger2. You are working so hard, giving so much -- you do not deserve to be so miserable. Rethinking things is definitely in order. There is more than one way to do that. I hope you find ways that will work well for you.
I also agree that you should have help brought in to help with the cleaning. But MIL needs to pay for it.
You sound exhausted. Do you get out and pamper yourself? You need to take care of yourself? Do you get support from your family? What about MIL's other kids? Do they help? {{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}
It isn't that I mind cleaning for her - her apt. isn't big. It is just doing it and having her say 'I just did that - it didn't need it' - when she used a swiffer 3 weeks ago and there was real dirt in her corners that needed attention that she cannot give. I know she is in a cognitive decline - but you know what? Somehow I can't keep from reacting 'normally' to this 'abnormal' situation and it is just a mess. I am a mess. I am just tired.
I think down deep that I feel I am being taken advantage of by her other two children - who by the way shared equally in monetary gifts from mom - but have never helped with her care or offered me respite in seven years.
And your comment: ""Oh. I'm so sorry it wasn't clear to you that Billy will be here this week. I thought you knew that. I didn't mean for it to be a surprise. Next time I'll write it down so we'll both remember." - oh how I wish my first reaction came out like that! It doesn't.
The scenario went more like: She was wiping out her microwave and complaining about how tired she was. I said "he will only be here for a couple hours - I wouldn't go to so much trouble - he may not even come in here.' and then she said WHO? Well, when I told her (and I wasn't sarcastic or cruel or insulting - I just said 'remember, so and so is coming on the 4th' and she said NO ONE TOLD ME! I said yes, so and so told you over the phone and you told us. Don't you remember? Remember - you said he was coming to - in your exact words 'steal you away?' and she said yes, but he didn't say when and I said we had emailed him and he said he was coming the 4th - we discussed it several times since then. She just got mad. Of course it didn't help that I then said I can't help it if you can't remember that you forgot.
So, you see, I think I have run out of patience. I resent that her other kids have their lives to themselves and all we have ever asked is that they take mom for a couple weeks a year - EACH - and they have never mangaged to find the time. Of course, the youngest can make trips to Europe each year and several trips to the beacheach year to visit his wife's family. I asked her why they didn't spend more time with mom and she said 'they were comfortable with the amount of time they spend with 'his' family. So, there you are. I think I am tired.
I saw a quote that said “We don’t see things as they are; we see things as we are.” I am tired of always being the one who apologizes - by the way she told the bath lady that I only apologized once since she has been here - the ONLY way to get her to come out of her pouts is to apologize and since she has a pout every week - how many apologies do you think I have made.
She can't hear her snide remarks, she doesn't see her screwed up hateful faces (only mine) or the complaints about the smallest things.
My husband is going to talk to his brother tomorrow. I am willing to donate MY SS check towards assisted living and I feel her other two kids should be willing to do the same or take her home with them. She does not have enough funds to pay for it without help.
I told my husband that I don't think my I would have 'hit the wall' had his brothers helped with respite - just two weeks each a year. I don't think that is asking too much.
The funny one is that last year the same youngest child said he would come and stay with mom so we could get a way for a week. Mom had just gotten out of the hospital, was on steroids and her sugars were running through the roof. She was weak in her legs due to the sciatica attack. We had purchased trip cancellation ins. (we always do - just in case) - so we could have cancelled had he just told us that he planned to leave mom alone just a few hours after we left. He came here and waved us good bye and said 'We'll be fine' and no sooner than we were out of sight - HE LEFT HER AND WENT HOME! He didn't tell us - and he has never apologized. We found out because she called one of our kids asking about a medication. Our son called us and said 'I think so and so left - I think grandma is all alone' - I nearly had a stroke and of course, we had to come back home! He has done this to us 4 times - promising to come and then cancelling But coming here and letting us leave was the worst! We will never trust him again. That was a year ago - I don't think I have been the same since.
So, my 'state of mind' may not all be my poor MIL's fault. But, at this point, I think our arrangement is broken and we have to do something else.
I would love to be her friend and advocate and companion again. My parents died when I was in my twenties - so I had absolutely no idea what old age and caregiving were about.
Thanks for listening and caring. I just wish I could cry - maybe I would feel better.
So far you haven't been able to get your head around the fact that MIL CANNOT HELP her cognitive decline. But that doesn't mean you are incapable of acheiving that ... just that what you have tried so far hasn't worked. Here are some things you could try: 1) Counselling for yourself 2) a local caregiver's support group, preferably one for dementia caregivers 3) reading about cognitive decline and caregiving. (Many of us could suggest good books for you, if you want to try that route.)
It is certainly hard to have been a friend and companion to a loved one and to suddenly have that person become hostile or paranoid or abusive. Spouses who have to suddenly contend with being accused of infidelity, or theft, or abuse know this pain perhaps even more strongly. I can relate to how awful this feels. You do not deserve those snide remarks and the faces and the complaints! I can also tell you that it is highly likely that you can overcome this pain and regain the compassion you have for MIL. I think that you would need help to do this, though. Coming here where there are other people who understand is a great first step, but it might not be enough. You are NOT obligated to work on getting past this pain and reestablishing the relationship on another level. You have done more than your share already. If you decide not to work on this in other ways, that is perfectly legitimate. Don't beat yourself up. If you WANT to give it another try, I suggest counselling, support groups, and reading. If you are done trying, that is OK, too.
My husband's dementia (LBD) is characterized by great fluctuations in cognitive ability. I find it in some ways easier to be patient and compassionate when he is obviously not doing well cognitively. When he has a long run of "good" days I am very happy, of course, but I also find myself treating him more like he is "normal" -- and that really isn't fair to him. I wonder if that is sort of where you are at with MIL -- she still seems "normal" in so many ways it is hard for you to remember that you can't treat her normally. In spite of her appearances, she really is significantly impaired.
Perhaps ALF would be a good option for MIL. However, she can't afford a good ALF. Your suggestion that all of her children ptich in financially and make up the amount she can't pay herself is a very reasonable solution. But from what you have said about your in-laws I think it very unlikely that this will actually happen. (I can see them all agreeing to it, and then in month 2 one has an emergency and can't ptich in that month, and by month 6 you are on the financial hook alone.) For an ALF to be a viable option there needs to be a way to pay for it. I wouldn't give up the idea without trying, but if "we all pitch in on the cost" is Plan A, you'd better have a Plan B in mind, too.
You and your husband NEED RESPITE. Absolutely, positively, no question about it. You need time away to recharge your batteries and just be a couple. You need individual time off, too. You've tried to arrange that, relying on the sibs. You've learned, saddly, that isn't going to work in that family. But here's a news flash: relying on family is NOT THE ONLY way to get respite. Caregivers who are only children with no living relatives except the one they are caring for manage to arrange respite care. It is critical. You are willing to spend money toward ALF ... what about spending money for respite care? And, certainly, it is not fair that the sibs are not pitching in their time or at least some money. It is not fair that poor MIL is declining cognitively. Life is not fair. Try to let go of the aspects of the situation you have no control over. Come here and vent about your selfish in-laws. But get on with doing what needs to be done.
Secondly, you need a big fat break. I don't know what your MIL's finances are, but if you can swing it financially, put her in respite care for a month and have your husband put the hammer on the sibs to help cover the costs. What does your mom do with her money. She has SS and her pension? Does she have money in the bank or any assets. If so, start using that money to cover respite care and, again, have your husband do all he can to get the sibs to help out financially.
I don't think you should have to sacrifice your social security to get MIL out of your home. Possibly she could qualify for assistance. Her income might be too high for Medicaid, but it is still possible that she could qualify if Medicaid picked up the difference of what she can pay. Check with your Area on Aging and with your Department of Social Services. Get a good education of what is possible.
My recommendation is (1) Find a way for MIL to live elsewhere for one month. I pray you can do this because you are at your wits end and you must have some down time. Maybe she will be happier to be home when she returns from a month away and hopefully you will be too. (2) Talk to your local Area on Aging and your Department of Social Services. Understand every inch of your options for her care at your home and in a facility. (3) In the end, if you just can't do this anymore, then you can't. Your life is ticking away and you are not being supported. You have done more than your share and you have every right to save yourself. It's ok and it's not your fault. You are a human being who needs a life too.
I can't imagine your brother in law leaving your MIL alone after you left for vacation. I'm sorry you had to come home. One thing bothers me, however, maybe your children live far away, but could they not have stepped in and helped with MIL since you were on a much needed vacation?
Anyway, these are my thoughts. Hope they are helpful. Love and Hugs, Cattails
We texted him back saying we would NOT tell mom he was not coming - that was HIS job. We told him she was dressed up and waiting since 9 a.m. this morning - that he needed to call ASAP. That was 11 a.m. He finally called her at 3 p.m. She sat ALL DAY all dressed up waiting - for nothing. Don't know if this was worse than leaving her alone last year - but it was pretty darn close.
We are contacting her social worker and her doctor for their input on what to do. We have also decided to switch home health companies and I plan to tell the manager of the current company just WHY we are making the switch. She may see her old bath lady once more - but not after this week if I have anything to do about it.
A decision will be made after consultation with the social worker, doctor and her other two sons. What a week. Hope everyone has a nice day with family and friends.
Be sure you check out Medicaid. Even if she is over the limit, I think they might help if all her funds go towards her NH care and they pick up the difference. Please be sure to check it out.
My heart goes out to you. You have done so much to care for your MIL. I'm sorry she is so difficult, but it is the illness. I'm sure your heart broke for her today. I wish the two of you could have a good cry together. I know you love the person she was and every once in a while, maybe that person is still there.
I want to commend you on everything you have done. You need a break and a chance to regain your spirit. I'm glad you are changing home health companies. That bath lady needs to have someone explain that the care they give is as much for the family as the patient.
Good luck OC2 and please stay in touch. Sending you lot of love and tons of hugs, Cattails
Yes, we know that we cannot count on him for ANYTHING. It would just lead to more and more disappointment. We have already decided that since her general health is poor and her cognitive health is declining and it would require us to 'lie' to get her into assisted living - I am not sure they take someone with known cognitive issues - we are going to to a lot of researching, visiting, questioning, etc. We have a good friend who is the night nurse in the ALZ unit of and very nice NH near us. We have been there visiting other friends and it has always appeared to be clean, pleasant, etc. I just wish they had private rooms. But we will not 'jump into this' without a lot of research, thought and prayer. As the scriptures say "in the multitude of counselors there is wisdom."
Thanks for all the kinds words and thoughts. They mean a lot. To know that others understand - even when you are almost 'crazy' with stress and weariness. Thank you all for be non judgmental.
An afterthought: I have 4 sons and 1 DIH - kinda know what's ahead for me :0) Just kidding. I have already told them, that unless forced to by the government - I didn't want any of them to go through what I have been through. To keep their dad and I together as long as possible and then find a nice home for us and visit us often so we are not neglected. And remember that I said it when my brains were intact :0) I hope I don't change my mind later , ha ha. But, all is well as long as all is well - and when it not - it's hell.
Guilt is only a tool to help us correct mistakes or bad behavior. You have done none of these. You have nothing to be guilty about and her other sons are incapable of guilt exemplified by their behavior.
I've told my son the same thing. Don't let my behavior destroy his life or marriage or sanity. This is when we need to make an advanced directive. It's never too soon. It doesn't have to just apply to old age.
I will be touring an Assisted Living facility (with attached nursing home) tomorrow afternoon. We have had friends who lived there and a good friend is a nurse there and we know that it is a well run place.
We will apply for whatever assistance is available and 'if she qualifies' she will be moving fairly soon - maybe not next week, but in a few months for sure. If she doesn't qualify for aid - well things will remain the same for a while longer.
We feel better about her possibly going to assisted living instead of a nursing home - I don't feel like I am breaking my promise to her about never putting her in a nursing home. She may never need the nursing home, (I hope). We shall see how it goes . . . . . .
jeannegibbs - if my MIL ends up staying here with us for whatever reason - I intend to seek help in dealing with this difficult situation from our local agency on aging.
If we are able to get her into a nice AL facility nearby - and I can go back to being her friend - I think she and I will be able to connect is a more positive and loving way from now on.
I do believe that respite for me is the key and the one aspect of caregiving that most people don't get enough help with. I am afraid it is going to take much longer than and hour or two here and there or even a long weekend for me to recover. ..................................... Again, my thanks to you all.
I see you haven't posted since July. How are things now? Did you get her into AL?
Please keep us posted. Know that many of us are dealing with the same issues and WE KNOW you are doing the very best with what you have, and that is all you can do.
She spent a couple days in the hospital after visiting the Asst. Living facility - stress and tension headache and we were afraid of a stroke and took her to the ER and they kept her because she was dehydrated.
She was nice as can be to me while she was there - I visited several times. She came home and went into her little apt. and said she didn't need our help and not to bother with her. My husband tried to reason with her - I had suggested a 'schedule' where she ate with us 3 days and was on her own with leftovers and Lean Cuisine four days a week. She had a FIT over that idea and said no one needs a schedule. He tried to explain that it would lesson frustration - I would KNOW for sure when she would be eating with us and could plan nice meals with leftovers, etc. She said no. Nada. She can take care of herself. He said it was like talking to a WALL.
So, I stocked her fridge while she was napping and she has been in there for two weeks pouting. (She doesn't pout though - in her own words 'shes NOT a child!'.) She just acts like one.
She has a bath lady again, a visiting nurse and I am looking into housekeeping services. A social worker has seen her and will talk again with her and with us this next week (not sure if it will be together or separately). She sees a physical therapist to massage her neck and use electrical stimulation on it to help her relax and to encourage her to get up and move around more. She is now on antidepressants (aren't helping that we can tell - may be too soon) and she will see a psychologist/therapist next week. (coming here to interview her). I have talked to the social worker a couple of times and I think HE thinks she has dementia even though she passed the mini test for dementia.
It's funny - I get to deal with MY stress all by myself :0( I am not doing well. I can tell I am just about ready for the funny farm. My blood pressure is high. I can't sleep well. I cry a lot. My mother in law has no idea what she has done to ME.
Anyway, My husband says that he will check on her each day and I plan to leave her alone. She has a Lifeline necklace and we are arranging Meals on Wheels - since she isn't doing very well with cooking (she can take care of herself and doesn't NEED our help though). Of course, she needs the help of every social service available - but doesn't need us for a single thing.
She still says hurtful things about me to every person who comes to see her. She told the nurse Thursday that I took her car away and sold it without even talking to her about it and that I didn't even give her enough time to recuperate from her knee surgery so she could drive again. No way for the nurse to know that wasn't true. Why is all this crap MY fault? Why not my husband?
What really happened: Her older car (with velour seats that hurt her back and no AC) sat in the drive for over a year and she drove our newer Sable with leather seats (that didn't pull her back out of place and had adjustable pedals and AC). Her car just sat there. We finally suggested she sell it and she agreed. She signed the paperwork for the sale. She collected the money. She continued to drive our car for another year or so - coming home with a big dent in the door the last time she drove. (she didn't know how that happened.) Shortly after that she had more knee surgery, eventually having three surgeries on the same knee and would NOT do the exercises the PT recommended in order to strengthen her leg so she could drive again. She - of her own choice - gave up her driver's license last March. She was unable to take the driving test due to her knee. (by the way, HER VERSION was that she only drove our car a couple of times at the most.)
Tell me - how is it MY FAULT that she cannot drive? The fault - if any - it due to OLD AGE and multiple knee surgeries. It appears that EVERY SINGLE LOSS SHE HAS EXPERIENCED is now MY fault. She has caused me such heartache and tears that I can barely function. My sister said I should consider her 'dead.' There is grief tied to that decision too.
We have made certain she is being cared forand we have to leave it at that. It seems wrong somehow - but I am trying to wrap my head around it. SHE DOES NOT WANT ME TO BE HER CARE GIVER AND I DON'T WANT TO BE HER CARE GIVER - so I guess this is the best we can do. It is the only thing we can do. This is her decision but she told a niece that 'I don't want it this way, but we all get shoved around whether we like it or not.' No way for my husband's cousin to know what she said wasn't true.
She can still be sweet to everyone else and the moment she sees me her demeanor changes and her voice becomes cold, mean and hard. I told my husband I will never be in a room alone with her again. If she knows enough to be nice to everyone else - she should be able to be civil to me. I don't talk to her that way and I sure could - she should be able to choose to be civil to me.
Maybe if she is officially diagnosed with dementia it will be easier. But I feel betrayed. Used up and thrown away. She tells people who come to see her how nice 'her friends' are to her - the favors they do, etc. and never EVER has she told anyone how kind I have been to her and all the things I have done for her.
Basically she has now 'cut off her nose to spite her face' and I am not going to INSIST that she interact with me. It isn't necessary - so why inflict more distress on her and myself. I just have to learn to live MY life again and stop worrying about her. Her needs are being be met by others and that's the best we can do. I have arranged for a Senior Van to pick her up for her doctor visits and friends from church will meet the van at the doctor's office and escort her in and out. I am sure she will be very grateful to THEM for being so kind to her. Wonder who arranged the van and escort? :0(
So, I am not totally done - still have to make certain her meds are on hand and put into her weekly med box and still make her doctor appointments and arrange her transportation. But, I have to pretend she doesn't live under the same roof. I have to respect the boundaries she has imposed.
What a MESS. I just had such a hard time coming back here and trying to explain and I have spent so much time crying that it isn't funny. I apologize for the ramble here. Not sure how much sense this made.
I had unrealistic expectations that everything would work out and she would be happy around her son and would be able to see her grandchildren. Well, she told her son she didn't know why she even had children because all they do is leave home when you need them. Well, of course children leave home and get married..that's what children are supposed to do when they grow up. She was mad my husband moved with me to another state, she was mad he changed his faith and left the Catholic church, she was mad he didn't have a priest at our wedding along with our minister, she was mad he put me before her. I understand her being mad she had to leave her home, but I figured since she was alone, she would love to be where it is warm and she has family around. No, she would rather complain and make everyone feel guilty and throw tantrums like a child because things aren't the way she wants. Well, this wasn't the most ideal thing for us either, but at least appreciate what people are trying to do for you. We do her laundry, make her meals, take her to appts., set up her meds of which there are many, make sure she takes her shower, soaks her teeth, remind her when her shows are on tv, basically every little thing. You want them to appreciate what you do, but they are like the child who is nice to everyone else and sasses the parents.
It truly is like they go back in time and become selfish children.
It sounds like you are trying to distance yourself from her and let others take over. I have had to do the same in order to maintain my sanity. I know it is hard, but if you can distance yourself emotionally from her and realize she is safe, she is being taken care of, you did the best you can do. Don't worry about what other people think....you know what the truth is, your husband knows the truth, God knows the truth and they probably do too. Unless they have walked in your shoes, they have no idea how this can affect a person. I know how trapped it can make you feel when you have to arrange your life around someone who is always mad at you. It affects everything, especially your marriage.
Let her live in her apartment as though she is a single person who wants to live alone. You are there for emergencies. Let your husband deal with his mother. He knows her better and they have that bond that you don't. If it makes you feel better to do things for her, do them because you want to do the right thing and do it unconditionally. Because, it will only upset you if you expect any appreciation. You can stock the fridge when she is napping or away. Have someone else do her cleaning. You must regain your sanity because it will destroy your health if you don't. And don't feel guilty....remember, you are dealing with someone who is not rational. Now, take a deep breath, go out and get a mani/pedi and do something for yourself. Keep us posted...we are all praying for you!
PS...I too have told my kids I will not burden them in this way....
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She is getting therapy, massages, meals on wheels, and I haven't heard yet - but a psychologist/therapist is supposed to see her and try and figure out if dementia is present. I CAN GUARANTEE DEMENTIA IS PRESENT - but my diagnosis doesn't count.
I am a basket case. Cried all day yesterday. Today was better. I did absolutely nothing and listened to soft zen type music and then hubby and I walked to the local Mexican restaurant for dinner and walked around the high school track afterwards. A better day - but I can tell I have a very long way to go to be well.
It requires me to have NO contact in order to keep from checking into the nut house myself. She hisses one minute and smiles the nest. I just can't take it anymore. Hubby says for me to stay away from her and if she ever says anything to him he plans to tell her she is 'reaping what she has sown.' Live with it. I am so grateful to him.
I still have to take care of her meds and doctor scheduling - but the Senior Van picked her up and dropped her off for her podiatrist appointment today. Church friends met her at the doctor's office and escorted her in/out. You will not believe how wonderful that was!
I think all our bases are covered except housekeeping. We meet with the social worker Thursday and hopefully he can help set that up. She isn't too messy and we would probably only need someone every other week for now.
Her apt. is attached to our home and we keep the doors SHUT. If she causes any more trouble we will LOCK them. She has her own phone and a Lifeline necklace. She can call us if she needs us for some reason.
This is all just the saddest thing - but at this point - I know I will die if we didn't do this. I am no longer her caregiver. I think I represent EVERY SINGLE LOSS in her life and she hates me. It hurts and I have to live with it and realize she isn't mentally sound anymore. We have talked to her minister and he said he 'understands' - that they will help if they can and so far they have come through. That is more than we can say for her other two sons.
Would it be wrong to send them the bill for the cleaning lady? Is that legal? We just figured we'd send it to one son one month and the other son the next. See if they pay it. Any suggestions on that? She has enough funds for her meds, incontinence products, tv, meals on wheels and incidentals. But the cleaning lady might stretch it too far. Guess we could pick up the tab but just feel that after 7 years - they should get a small turn.
All for tonight and bless all those of you who are dealing with something similar. Never realized how sick I could get from the stress of dealing (actually, no dealing well) with someone with serious mental issues. I have never dealt with someone who could turn on you as fast as this woman can and then be sweet as honey to everyone else. I just have to stay away from her. My mother died of stroke at age 60 - I am 64. I am not ready to cash it in quite yet. Have to figure a way back to 'normal' and I think it is going to be a long uphill road. But, I am taking baby steps in the right direction.
Found out that what we are dealing with is serious 'anger and rage' issues
with my mother in law right now. For the longest time we just didn't know what was going on with her. The last year or so has been really awful - especially for me.
After talking at length to my doctor (my MIL's doctor as well), our doctor said to 'separate' ourselves. That I am the 'target' of her rage and anger and she has decided to try and 'destroy me.' He said' you can't let this continue.'
So, we have separated ourselves - I am no longer her caregiver. I resigned. She has her own small apt. and now has home health, meals on wheels, a bath lady twice a week, a visiting nurse and homemaker.
She continues to vilify me to everyone who comes to her home and
everyone who calls. She even wrote an unkind note about me to
my own daughter in law!
The Social Worker said he didn't think there was much that could be done. He just shook his head. Her anger is primarily directed at me and she basically has 'retold' every story with her old 'sick, nasty twist' to it - changing what happened and why it happened and always adding that 'I came into the room in a huff' or I 'snatched something away from her' or something like that. Every thing bad that has happened to her in the last 7 years is because of something I did. She even told the nurse the reason why she cannot walk without a walker and had to stop driving is because I WOULD NOT ALLOW HER ENOUGH TIME TO RECUPERATE after her surgery and sold her care right out from under her - that we didn't even discuss it with her. SHE SOLD HER CAR AND SPENT THE MONEY! We have a copy of the bill of sale with her signature on it. Sure, I made up the Craigslist listing, but she had not driven her car for over a year. The last two years that she drove - she drove our 2nd car and the last day she drove she wrecked it. Of course, she doesn't remember this and swore it isn't true. Go figure.
My doctor said her recuperation had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her NOT doing her therapy as directed and sitting too much and walking too little. He said 'how can that be your fault?' Only in a sick person's mind.
She is also 'making stories up' now too, things that have NEVER even happened except in her imagination. She told the social worker that someone was making early morning phone calls (the hang up kind) just to jangle her out of deep sleep and scare her. She said she 'had her suspicions' of who it was. The Soc. worker asked her 3 times who she suspected before she finally answered - she hesitated to say (probably because she knew she was lying) but finally indicated that she thought it was ME.
My husband checked her caller I.D. the next morning (she does not understand how caller I.D. works) - he tried to explain to her that there was no record of ANY early morning calls EVER on her phone - nothing before 8:30 a.m. when home health calls her and not one call on the day she told the social worker that I had done this. NONE of the calls on her I.D. were from me - EVER. I haven't called her in months. She lives next door! I didn't need to call her. She then added that it had happend THREE DAYS IN A ROW!! My husband said 'mom, no one called you and we can prove it.' She said 'oh, yes they did.'
So, that's where we are now. I don't know how some of you deal with it but we have chosen not too any longer. I know that I should 'ignore' her, etc. But, since I cannot seem to do that - and things have deteriorated dramatically - separation is our best option for now.
As a side note: I was so devastated by what she was saying (I overheard what she said to the Social Worker - there was no way for him to know she was lying) that I came completely unglued. I called my husband in hysterics - he almost came home from work. Then I called my sister and asked if her spare room was available and have been here in AZ since Aug. 25th. At home my BP was running stroke level and has been normal since the plane landed!! Perfect - like when I was 20. My doctor said I didn't have a BP problem - that I had a MIL problem. He suggested my 'cure' was to get her 'out of our hourse.'
I will be heading home tomorrow - just hope I can stay calm and keep the BP down. We have made an appointment with an Elder Law attorney and will do everything in our power to place her in Assisted Living. My own doctor (whom my sister MADE ME PROMISE TO SEE BEFORE COMING TO AZ - said 'get her outta there ASAP - it's the only way' - he is HER family physician too - he has seen her in action.
So, as hard as it is - I do believe there are times when a person has to say 'I GIVE UP,' 'I CANNOT AND WILL NOT DO THIS ANYMORE,' 'I MUST SAVE MYSELF.' I have reached that point. I will not play her game anymore - her game of 'baiting me and tormenting until I get upset' - attacking me and then turning it on me and pouting in her apt for days.' Always turning it all back onto me and saying that I am just 'high strung' and get 'upset over nothing' and then DENY completely anything she ever says or does to me (and making certain it happens in private so there are no witnesses).
I am just grateful to my doctor for spending an entire hour talking with me and listening and then helping me see that 'it wasn't me' who was the 'sick' person in the family. That I had really done 'enough already!' That it was time to stop the insanity and LET HER GO.
I still pray for all caregivers - who go above and beyond only to have those they care for 'turn' on them with a vengence. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that the kindness and care we freely gave would be rewarded with such malice. She is sweet as pie to everyone else. It was just me who got 'blindsided' by her hatefulness over and over and over again. My husband said if he has to choose - that I win hands down. He will not allow his mother to kill me with her hate and anger. He has already told her that from now on we will be living completely separately. That we were still pursuing the move to Assisted Living - that it may not be right now, but it WILL happen.
Of course, she then got surly and said 'well, just move me into an apartment then' - 'I'll be alright.' He just said 'mom, we aren't moving you twice.'
She is no longer welcome in our home unless invited - and if that happens any time soon - it will never be when I am home alone. I will NEVER be alone in a room with her again. She cannot be trusted.
Thank goodness we have a way of 'locking her off' from our home. She has her own entrances/exits. She has a Lifeline and all the care she needs being provided by others. My husband moved her swing out by her front door so we can have our backyard patio back - that's where my pond is and I need it for therapy :0)
She was forever telling everyone that 'she took care of herself - did all her own work, cooking, etc.' Well, she is now receiving help in all those areas and more and SHE NEEDS IT. Pretty hard to deny it. At least she won't be cooking anymore. That was always a big worry.
I am flying home tomorrow after 2 weeks of R&R. So far, my BP is still normal. I just hope I can stay calm knowing she is next door. I have to learn to let others worry over her. Her needs are being met. She still has church friends who stop by each week. She is not isolated or alone all the time. But it does feel strange after being her caregiver for 7 years to suddenly NOT be any longer. I now have to 'get a life.'
These two weeks in AZ were wonderful. There was absolulely nothing here that reminded me of my mother in law. I took long daily early morning walks, swam each afternoon in my sister's pool, napped after my swim, walked again in the evening. I cooked dinner for my sister and her husband - which they loved.
My hubby had to work and could not come - and we missed each other - but he knew I needed this down time in the worst way. I do feel like a different person. I may never be the person I was before caregiving - but I know that I am still the same caring sort of person - despite her. I realize that I don't have hateful feelings for HER despite what she has done to me and our family. I would not wish evil on her and hope that we are able to get her placed into AL soon - because it was a beautiful place and we think she would actually be happier there - more activities, etc. and fewer things to remind her of me as well.
Well, it's been a while since I posted. Just thought I would update. Sorry for the length.
You said it and you are right. Now all you have to do is do it!
Good luck with the lawyer!
I feel I have been pushed to the brink and it won't take much more for me to willingly jump into oblivion - no one will have to push me. It isn't a good way to feel and I am just grateful we are able to get some semblance of 'separation.' I know so many on this forum are dealing with similar things and feeling the same way. Somehow, get help or get a break. Some How, Some Way. I know that is easier said than done. Been there.
I told my hubby that I feel that the person I knew and loved has 'died' and I do believe I grieved the loss of the friend she used to be. There is nothing worse than a close friend who turns on you - they know you so well and know just how to hurt you. Sadly, she does not realize that she will be the one hurt the most by her actions. No matter what we do, there are consequences. She is paying those consequences now. She has lost me - for one thing. She has lost her son's respect. I don't think it will take too long and most of the others who care for her now will realize there is something 'not quite right here' with her. So, she has cut off her nose to spite her face. Only this time, she will be the big loser.
I have done a lot of soul searching and crying and talking the last few weeks. I know I did my best. I know she will never have a caregiver who loved her again. I still can hardly comprehend what happened to her. In order not to hate her I have to believe that the stroke(s) have done this - but the social worker hinted to my husband that this may be a long standing issue(passive aggression and anger/rage issues) and since we lived in another state and only saw her occasionally with other people around that we couldn't see it clearly - but her whole life has been spent pitting her sons against each other - without their even knowing it. Very sad.
Now, with her losses mounting (health, husband, farm, independence, unable to drive, can barely walk - and being with me all the time - her anger and rage have turned on me as her primary target. I just can't be IT anymore. I may continue to be her target - until her dying day - but I won't give her any new ammunition. :0)
Yes, we are hoping for some good direction form the attorney. She will qualify for some VA Aid and Attendance benefits - we just don't know how much yet. If nothing else, we plan to put our home on the market (kids all gone and it's way too big and we aren't getting any younger either) and see what happens. IF/WHEN we sell - she will GO for sure.
Caregiver's are a 'special breed' - a group 'set apart for a special purpose' and I think the 'general population' just can't 'get it' because they don't have a heart big enough OR - 'just maybe' we are all nuts (just kidding, guys.) Trying to interject some humor :0). At least I haven't lost that completely. I did lose myself for a while and hope to figure out who I am again. Me - not the mom of my kids, not the wife of my hubby and not the caregiver of my MIL. But, me. I plan to start cooking and having friends over again and maybe take some classes just for fun and try very hard NOT to feel guilty. I have been walking the last 2 weeks and plan to continue that - I do feel better. Not great - but much better. I am a bit apprehensive about going home today. Gotta think positive - Gotta think positive.
Unfortunately, no matter what, caregiver's suffer from guilt. After all we have done and continue to do - most of us still can't feel GOOD about it. We feel like we should have been able to do more or do it differently or do it better or BE better. We shouldn't have lost our temper, we should have been more patient, more kind - more, more, more. But we are just overworked humans doing the best we can under very trying circumstances. We have to remember that PAID caregivers get to go home after 8 hours. We are on call 24/7.
I have to work on these feelings as well and may need counseling on that score. Haven't ruled that out.
I plan to still check in here from time to time. Once a caregiver, we always think of other caregivers. There are so manyof you and will be so many more in the future. We have already told our kids we plan to have a family meeting very soon to talk about our aging issues before they become real issues. Get something in writing that they can stick under our nose when we are 80 and say - see - this is what you wanted us to do when you still had your sense :0)
Thank you all on this forum and bless you all.
Dealing with the physical issues was nothing compared to dealing with emotional/mental issues and anger. Again - thank you ONE AND ALL.
Hugs, Cat