My father, 88, in AL, wants to take a few relatives on a cruise. It involves foreign travel (2 long flights), and two weeks on the ship. He cannot walk more than about 50 meters. He uses a walker. He is unsteady on his feet and falls occasionally. He says it's his last hoorah! I want to make this happen, but I just read this thread: "Should I try to fly my 88-year-old incontinent mother..." and 35 of 35 replies say, "No!". He's not really incontinent, but can be a handful. He greatly overestimates his capabilities (hence, falls). He uses a walker and I plan to rent a wheelchair (which he refuses, but too bad). He admits he will likely not get off the ship for excursions (whew!). I took him on a trip three years ago with the help of DH and I couldn't have done it without him, but we did more moving about. This time I'd be on my own with him. Am I insane?
That way the decision to go becomes his. If he won't agree to the help then I guess he doesn't want to go bad enough. Don't allow him to guilt you into something that could become a major burden for you. If his expectations are unrealistic you shouldn't bow down to him. Be respectful but firm as to your position but let him know the decision is ultimately his.
Don't see this as giving him an ultimatum. He should respect your decision to set limits on what is acceptable for you.
I see you live in Oregon. Any upscale resorts that one could visit? All feet would be on the ground.
What my parents did when they were in their 60 to late 80's was go twice a year to this one resort, built in the 1800's with numerous 2 to 3 story guest houses. It was wonderful, so peaceful. No TV's or radios in the rooms, not even a clock. Time for breakfast, lunch, dinner the resort played classic music through speakers in the trees. No cell service so young one couldn't spend 12 hours on their cellphones. Food was family style, all from the resort's own farms.
Since oldsters tend to nap, it wasn't like they were missing out on major crowded entertainment. If they wanted to dangle their feet in the fresh stream cold water swimming pool they could. A brave soul would jump into the pool and say how refreshing that was... [rolling eyes]. Those that could hike had numerous short trails to view nature. One night the resort had a swing band for those who liked the music, etc. Hey, even Bingo was fun :) If someone needed medical attention, there was a firehouse/EMT a half mile down the road.
Anyhoo, something to think about.
Who are the "few relatives" that your Father wants to take on a cruise? Are any of your Father's elderly siblings (and/or their spouses) or your Father's elderly cousins going on this cruise? If so, then that means that several people in their 80's and maybe in their 90's going on this cruise. What is their health status? Are all of them able to walk by themselves or with walkers/rollators or will they need wheelchairs?
Are any people your age (or younger, ie. grandchildren) going along who could be "caregivers" of your Father, your Father's siblings or cousins? Or do the people your age think that you will be the caregiver for all of the elderly relatives on the cruise?
Is your Father paying for his relatives' plane tickets and cruise accommodations? Who is making sure that everyone will get the correct plane tickets and cruise reservations so that all of your Father's relatives are on the same cruise and have rooms reserved close to each other on the cruise ship? Who will act as the group's "Cruise Director" or "Travel Agent" during the plane flights and cruise in case something goes wrong or someone gets on the wrong plane or cruise ship? Are the other relatives seasoned travelers or novice travelers?
Will you be able to relax and enjoy the cruise or will you be running around making sure that all of the elderly relatives are where they are suppose to be at the time they are suppose to be there?
Since the cruise involves more than just your Father and yourself, you need to consider the needs of the other "relatives" and to make arrangements so that everyone's needs (your Father's and "the relatives") will be met during the plane travel and the cruise.
First, and foremost, is your father of ‘sound’ mind to make the decision to go on a trip like this? I live with an 87 year old woman who traveled extensively when she was married and mentions frequently that she would like to take me on a trip. She is not physically or mentally able to take on such a venture. So we just talk about it and that is as far as it goes 😊
Secondly, how much does your father weigh? I ask this question because I have encountered many bariatric patients in my career who think they can do more then a they can. And honestly, the world is not compatible for them. It’s just a truth. Sorry if I offend here.
Thirdly, if this is what your father wants to do and he is #1, capable of making the decision and #2, able to be transferred without 2 or more people assisting, go for it! But absolutely insist on a traveling COMPANION. It’s all in the wording. As I mentioned earlier, I live with an 87 year old with dementia. She is my ‘roommate’ and “I am happy to assist her with whatever she needs”. It will make the trip easier and more enjoyable for you, your family members and your father. A contract with specifics should be written up prior to the trip with the companion. They will need respite time during the trip.
Fourthly, Discuss with your father where he would like to go, and the realities of that destination. Have a frank and honest conversation with him. Suggest some options if the first destination seems unrealistic or could possibly cause harm to himself or his travel companion due to the nature of his physical state and the demands of the trip. If your father has traveled, he will understand this honest conversation. Have alternatives available for discussion. Let him know this may not be a ‘last hoorah’ and if this trip goes well, you can take another trip in the future.
Finally, travel insurance is a MUST and planning is key. I suggest you use a travel agency to take the burden off of you to ensure he has acceptable accommodations on the plane, cruise ship, hotel, etc. That is their job...let them do it and tell them exactly what you need.
Plan for the worst. Expect the best. This could be a wonderful trip! Do it!
Best wishes to you, if you do go, please do try and find some joy in this adventure. When he is gone, this will be your memory. You can do it!
I got a little chill down my spine when I read this, swilson1. Two weeks and two long flights is an awful lot to handle solo with three seniors. The math kind of isn't adding up for me. I agree it would be fantastic to somehow make your dad's dream trip happen as an epic last hurrah but I think you need to insist that a non-senior of some sort (a nice cousin or in-law, a likeable younger person in between jobs or school who could use a bit of adventure and some cash, SOMEBODY) comes along to be your back-up. Heck, maybe you could even spin it that you are bringing a caregiver along for YOU.
I hope this is a nice, loving dad, right? Not a tyrant of some sort? I read about so many mean, unreasonable, demanding parents on this forum that I may be getting a bit jaded. If he is a sweet, beloved daddy that you want to humor and see having a good time, then I say go for it, with a helper for you to keep chaos at bay as much as possible.
So foreign cruise for 2 weeks is plan A. Could a plan B for s shorter/closer to home cruise be introduced? Plan C may be a weekend away.
I think the underlying *feel* is to get the family together at a fun event. Plan D could be a cruise themed fancy dress party at home!
Whatever you decide to do, I hope it's fun & will become a great memory for you all.
I read David Solie’s Book How to Say It to Seniors. If I understood the message, seniors are focusing on Control and Legacy. They are slowly losing control of their lives, so that’s tough. They want to leave a legacy. Maybe he can be enlisted in planning an extravaganza closer to home, maybe with a professional photographer to document the memories. The budget might lend itself to framed photos to all the attendees from Dad.
IT IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER WHAT HE REALLY WANTS is connection with family. Perhaps plan a few local special events. He wants to feel loved and enjoy moments with those he loves. The destination is secondary or way down that list.
* I'd find a more 'local' cruise - perhaps like a Mississippi River Cruise. Let him know this is what the 'family' would REALLY LOVE to do with him.
* I'd have 1-2 people with him/walking with your dad every moment, which you'd probably do anyway.
* When I hear family say about their 104 year old mother, we don't give her too much xxx (sugar, desserts)-it isn't good for her... I ask WHY NOT? She's 104 years old!
There comes a time in a person's life when the quality of the moment (for them / their experience) outweighs keeping them alive for 'their health and well-being.' So many people fear death and it is an individual's fear; or fear of letting go. Consider the person and where they are coming from - what they want in the moment. This is a very long, perhaps philosophical or otherwise, discussion.
* Let your dad have some loving, current memories of giving to the family - in his way, with some editing. Of course, you do not want excessive travel (air or sea). However, I would find some middle ground.
* Another way to approach this, whoever is in the family, could be discussing a 'shorter travel experience' (as I mentioned above) and giving some $ to grand-or-great-grand kids college education, or something that family members could really appreciate for years, if not decades to come. Even donating to nature conservancies or planing a tree (here in California, it w/c/ould be a redwood tree).
* I support him having his last hoorah with some editing.
* As on a cruise, you can rent him a tux and have a formal special dinner or event - with LOTS of family photos and speeches talking about how wonderful he is and has been. Perhaps take him for a 'long drive' so it feels he is really getting away from home.
* With photos or videos, this is something you can re-live with him often after the actual event. The loving feelings in him will come up again and again.
* Consider a special event at a Zoo, botanical garden(s) - or somewhere connected to what is important to him. Many organizations will close their establishment for special parties or have sections reserved for special private parties, (i.e., places where people have weddings).
* You do not want him expiring on an airplane or cruise far away from home. You will want him to feel he is having his last whoop-dee-do moment(s) with his family.
Life is about living and you and your husband are inspiring.
Keep on making memories and cruising the high seas if that is what you love.
Is there any way that you can verify the type of assistance and care that your Father's two siblings will need while flying and while on the cruise? Are you and your Father staying in one room and the two siblings staying in another room? It would be nice if there were two younger people to assist the 3 seniors, but if there can't, at least you know what to expect and are willing to take on the responsibility. Please try to find some time for yourself to relax and enjoy the cruise.
burlebaby has some excellent suggestions for traveling with an elderly or physically disabled person.
When I fly, I use a wheelchair because I have back problems and other "hidden" health problems that hinder my ability to walk more than 1 block without resting repeatedly. The $5 bills for tips came in quite handy. Last time I flew, I held a $5 bill in my hand so that the person pushing the wheelchair or driving the "airport transport golf cart" could easily see the money --and reach for it.😊 The $5 bills flew out of my hands but it was worth it. One "airport transport/golf cart driver" even walked me to the elevator, took me to the next level and introduced me to the person driving the "airport transport" that I needed to ride to get to the gate for my plane. He even told that driver "Now you take care of this lady, she's special." I know that it was all for show, but it made my trip more fun and enjoyable. 😊
I hope that your Father and his siblings will be in the best of health during their cruise and that you have some time to enjoy the cruise also. Good Luck on your trip with your Father and his siblings. 🌷
trudy
While there have been no disasters, it has been challenging at best. I’ve come to the conclusion that my father, who has always been difficult, is a narcissist. He’s got an opinion on everything, knows everything, and is always right. If it doesn’t center around him, out comes his second language— sarcasm. He feels compelled to offer everyone, even complete strangers, his sarcastic opinions.
As well, he’s a complete stress case traveler! He wants to arrive everywhere hours in advance. Like five hours in advance.
As I think I already mentioned, he grossly over-estimates his capabilities. He can walk about thirty meters, with a walker, on flat, even ground. I’ve brought a portable wheelchair along, but he refuses to use it and honestly, I’ve about given up. However, I just saw a woman who has obviously taken a spill with a tennis ball-sized hematoma over her eye. This is not a problem I want to have to solve...
He refuses to use the chair, but wants me to follow him around with my hands on his belt to steady him. Sorry, not happening. He barks orders as if I’m his servant, so we had a chat about that. I am happy to help him out, but requests, not ORDERS, shall be phrased as questions, accompanied by an occasional please or thank you.
If he were nicer and easier going, it wouldn’t be an issue. But that’s not the case.
Eight days to go...
As you say, only eight days more. Stay strong! And keep us posted.
Stick to your guns that common courtesy is the only way he gets what he wants. You can do it!
She just updated us about 3 posts ago.
Take some time to relax and refresh yourself. You deserve it!!
Have a nice cup of hot cocoa ☕, listen to some relaxing music 🎶 , cuddle with your dog or cat 🐾 (if you have one), and enjoy some time in bed. 💤
Would I do it again? Probably not. Certainly not without a caregiver along as well.
What did I learn? Well, I learned to set boundaries, but that was a difficult balancing act between setting boundaries and possibly creating more problems for myself. For example, dad refused to use the wheelchair I brought along, and insisted on just his walker. This was nerve-racking, especially when the ship was rolling. He wanted me to follow behind him holding his belt, which I did not do, but then worried that if he did fall, there was another problem to solve. Also, he refused to bring a caregiver along, which meant that he needed to shower himself. That did not work well, despite having an ADA stateroom. He fell once, and stubbed his toe badly another time. He bathed less frequently than I would have liked.
I learned that he is a narcissist, and employed the gray rock method often. This worked well.
I learned to let a lot of things go.
I’m still confused about his thought process in terms of either not wanting to “bother” other people, or barking orders at them like they are there to serve him hand and foot. ???
I learned to care a bit less about what others think of me, as they have not walked a mile in my shoes. That was a big step.
In short, I was completely relieved to drop him back at his AL facility and let them take over. I am looking forward to a relaxing break over the holidays. I am still not sure what level of involvement that will mean in terms of dad.
Thank you all for your ideas, support, and kind words. I truly appreciate it!