My diabetic father is not in agreement with doctors that his condition is too advanced and he needs amputation.
If he continues to refuse he eventually may not be able to ever walk again even with a prosthetic. My sister and I cannot keep taking him to wound clinics because he refuses to accept his condition. We are exhausted, fed up and I am feeling a combination of loss, depression, and deep anger. It's like wanting to cry but you can't.
It's been a few weeks but don't think he will ever accept it.
Thoughts, advice?
I am too depressed to get angry.
How is your sister's mental health? Is it deteriorating quickly as yours seems to be?
I don't see it mentioned anywhere in your other posts about a therapist, although I could have missed it. ARE you seeing a therapist? And, if you are, are you discussing all of this with them? (I had to write the previous sentence because it seems that there are posters here who have been seeing therapists for a long time who never help them decide on courses of action.)
A dear coworker of my dad’s was strongly recommended to have an arm amputated. He quickly chose not to, said his life could end before he’d allow it. He wasn’t mean or crazy, he just knew the right choice for himself. He didn’t live long, and he passed without regret.
Simon, I'll put it a bit more bluntly and hope you'll forgive me. This decision is not up to you. Or your sister. Nor would it be up to your mother even if you and your sister vanish from the scene.
As long as you children and your mother keep arguing the case, your father is free to concentrate on opposing you and to console himself by believing that his opinion is more valid than yours (he's right. It is). Step back, and he will be left to oppose only his medical advisers whose only interest is in their correct assessment of the risk : benefit ratio. Let them do their job.
I get the impression that you think once your dad gets the surgery, gets prosthetic leg, and voila he can walk better again, then your life will be much better. You won't have all the appointments to take him to. No more stress. Yay!
Well, the reality might turn out to be very different.
What if he gets worse after the surgery. He for sure will have a lot of pain. He could develop infections, he might not learn to walk with a prosthetic leg, he might become even more disabled and end up in a wheelchair. There will be even MORE appointments for you to take him to.
Perhaps he would rather die soon from gangrene than chop off part of his body, just to waste away for years in pain and be confined to a wheelchair and be even more of a burden.
Can his surgeon guarantee success? Of course not.
If I were 82 y,o., I wouldn't go through with this.
I would also kindly suggest counselling for you & your sister. To accept that Dad will choose his fate - as awful as it may be.
You may even feel that you are starting the grieving process now - as keeping the leg or not, this could be the beginning of the end.
A friend went through similar with her Dad before I met her. He refused & refused. Finally, crises, hospital & accepted amputation. Could never self-care for himself again though & was forceable moved into NH to see out his remaining time. His memory clouded & faded, he regularly forgot he couldn't walk & sustained many falls.
His adult kids accepted he choose this fate. Accepted they could not save him from old age, diabetes or his own stubborness.
If me, I woupd try to have a very frank taking Doctor tell him how it is. They be equally frank & tell him, if he cannot look after himself, he must move into care. That I will visit but I am not his maid or nurse.
I do wish you an easier time that I suspect is ahead.
The American Diabetes Association (I've only had a quick skim through a small selection of pages, mind) seems to accentuate the positive, and so you'd expect, but you might find articles and information that your father would pay more heed to. There are also sections for families and caregivers - worth a look, anyway, I hope.
Keep multiple copies of it. When he argues, just hand him another copy. If he won’t change IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Youre asking my sister and I to step back. That's a hard decision. And if we do, my 82 year old mother will not ever step back and she alone can't handle this.
Does getting him to the wound clinic pose practical problems for you? - distance, time off work, simply getting him out of the house, for example? Or is it that the futility of it is frustrating and perhaps embarrassing?
The conversation between your father and his diabetic team, over time and the course of repeat appointments, goes like this: the wound will not heal. It will make you very sick. If we amputate the leg soon, you can have a prosthesis fitted and with therapy you will adjust to it and regain your mobility. If we do it as an emergency, the outlook won't be so positive. If at that stage you continue to refuse, ultimately it will kill you.
Because clinicians must not put undue pressure on patients to obtain their consent to treatment, they're not going to threaten him with certain death until it is a realistic prospect. So when they say "surgery or else" there is a limit to what they can tell him the "or else" is at this stage. What does your father believe it is? Has anyone had that conversation with him? He doesn't accept the recommended amputation, okay; but then what does he think the alternative will look like?
2. The trip to the wound clinic is hell especially now if doctors are saying we can't do anymore.
3. He is willing to get the amputation only if and when it becomes an emergency otherwise everything is "fine"
He has upcoming medical appointments.
Just don't take him?
Does he scoff at the doctor's advice in their presence, or does he feign compliance and save the scoffing for later?
I strongly think the only avenue is to get his attitude towards the prescribed treatment out on the table, i.e., "Dr. F, our dad is unwilling to consider amputation and my sister and I will be stepping away from his care. Can you describe to dad what will happen if he doesn't proceed with the amputation and advise him as to the level of care he will need, since we will no longer be available to assist him?".
It seems that perhaps you are enabling your father to deny his condition by providing free hands-on care. Maybe if you leave, he will realize that he actually DOES have to listen to the docs.
Why should he do anything if you are willing to give up your life and livelihood to wait on him? Nothing will change until you do.
To quote one of my fellow posters, Beatty "No new solution will be sought as long as YOU are the solution".
Stop being the solution.
He thinks doctors etc. are a joke and it's all a show.
2. My sister has hinted at stepping away if his attitude continues along the lines of "if you don't care, then we don't care either."
3. You and my sister are on the same page but I believe he would rather die than be told "what to do."
I am so depressed that this arrogant, I know best, #%&hole is my father.
Has Dad understood fully that his decision means accepting death? Is he willing to consider hospice?
Or is he still in denial thinking the leg will be fine while doing nothing about it? Well
Meanwhile he thinks it's not a big deal for my sister or I to keep taking him to clinics to treat/debride the wound. His sugar and blood pressure levels remain high. I don't think realizes his foot problem is actually the least of his worries.