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Be bold and courageous. Set your boundaries of what you can and are doing and willing to do…and cannot and won’t do. And discuss what help your mom needs for her care and how they can help. Be specific. Be firm. Communicate that to your family in a loving but firm way. Communicate the consequences of what could happen to your mom if they don’t step in and help.

Consider pulling a third party professional who can help you set an intervention meeting with them if they aren’t willing to do what is needed to help share the load.

Sending prayers for God to help you and prepare their hearts to help..
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I don't understand how they're "forcing" you to take care of your mom. Do you live with your mom? Is taking care of your mom your job? Do you want another job? Right now, there are plenty of jobs that are paying fairly decent wages. If you live with your mom and receive payment for taking care of her, then you might be able to get a another job and take care of her until you can save enough to move out. If you can move out, then do so. You are not legally obligated to take care of your mom.
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BettyCrocker Jun 2022
I believe it’s the proxy’s responsibility to care for your mom. At least that’s how it unfolded in my family. I’m the POA for both medical and finance for my mom. I manage her care, but I also have authority to make major decisions on her behalf.

Another thought…can you use the money that you’re getting paid for her care and pay someone else to do it?
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Your sister should not be able to be healthcare proxy thousands of miles away . They are using you that’s why they don’t care about you . 10 years is very long you forget what your life and dreams for yourself were because you feel trapped . Try and find a primary care doctor who listens and they can hook you up with a social worker - I seriously hope you get out of this trap being stuck is a terrible feeling .
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Dear TirednConfused.

I agree with BurntCaregiver: you need help: psychological/emotional help - therapy of some sort - to help you gain life skills that will allow you to stand up for yourself, set boundaries with your relatives, disengage from this unhealthy situation and live a full life. I realize that getting that kind of help will be difficult if you lack financial resources, so it will take some searching on your part - perhaps starting by contacting social service agencies in your community.

The reality is, you can't place your mom because you don't have the authority to do so, and you haven't made a successful argument for it. Nor can you make any family member take her in, but living a full life doesn't mean you are abandoning your mother. Paid caregivers - even live-ins - are not on call 24/7.

Good luck. I wish you well.
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You need to start putting money away now. If you can do it put $10 a week away in a bank or credit union. Tell yourself I am doing this for me and stick by it. You need to start doing this.

You need to take time away from your mom even if its just one to two hours a day get outside and get some fresh air. Go talk to a minister on the way you are feeling. Get you some help.

With the Alzheimers you will need more help. I can understand the military it does take time but I don't think its taking that much time like you said. They may need to make your mother a dependent then they would have help getting her there and be with them.

The memory problem will get worse believe me I know from experience with my BIL I am his representative payee for soc sec and I am there at his place more now than I was before. The doctor told him he can't drive anymore so I have to sell his car because where he lives we can't register it no license driver. He doesn't understand why he can't drive he doesn't see himself needing anything.

Prayers that you find a way to get some of your life back. But you need to have a fund start putting $10 a week away and don't touch it. Do this for yourself.
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TiredNConfused Jun 2022
I put money aside - but I can’t use a bank. Child support will garnish it. Since I have not made a lot of money over the years, and being unemployed during a lot of the pandemic didn’t help, I have back child support that has accumulated. Any time I used a bank, the account gets locked. I’m paying my child support fine now, but I won’t catch up for a while.
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Please call Adult Protective Services and request an evaluation and assistance with placement.

If your sister is blocking appropriate care for Mom, then she is not an appropriate "proxy." You would benefit from meeting with an Elder Law Attorney to discuss your mother's placement.

As for you, where would you like to live? Decide that and then start applying for jobs. Find the job and the location and then rent a U-Haul and move. Dr Phil says, "We teach people how to treat us." Every time your sister plays "tug-o-war" with you, you let her win................time to get mom placed and get you a new life.
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Kate2608 Jun 2022
Totally agree with you ConnieCaretaker! Learned behaviour which works for them! Have a look at the Drama Triangle. You are not obliged to give up your life to take care of Mum.It will get worse because you have been conditioned to believe it’s your role. No wonder you don’t have the finances - you’ve been giving unpaid care priority over your own financial and physical/mental health. I’m not surprised your family are all happy with the situation. It really works for them. You will certainly get resistance from them - they have a LOT to lose!

See a lawyer, see a counsellor, get your own life, wants and needs met -
somewhere else. Now! Before you no longer have the will or energy to do so.
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Are you the oldest? Do they guilt trip you? Do they say it’s your duty to take care of your mother she took care of you. Well all our parents stop taking care of us at 18. I say enough is enough. But… It’s not that easy is it. Why are you taking care of your mother so your family members can have a life.? Bcz that’s what’s happening. You’re being there afford them to not have a guilty conscience. Let them take her to Japan for 2-3 months. Each family member could take her for a few weeks to a couple of months.
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CaregiverL Jun 2022
Take her to Japan? Really? OMG 😳 that would not be possible.
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In ten years, have you not taken one vacation?
What were you doing between the age of 21 and 31?
Have you never been away from your mom for even a weekend?

As upsetting as this may sound, and I'm feeling love for you while I'm writing this, you may be in a situation where you and your mom may be taking care of each other. You can achieve even great things while there.

If you can try to view the movie Now, Voyager. Maybe you've seen it.
Btw, did you know that the title of this movie was taken from a line in a Walt Whitman poem entitled "The Untold Want," it goes -The untold want by life and land ne'er granted, /Now voyager sail thou forth to seek and find.

If you can objectively look at your current situation and say to yourself that you are not also benefitting from being with your mother. And if you can objectively acknowledge that you were able to reasonably manage the many difficulties that life often throws at adults even when you were between 21 and 31. Then you are capable and just need to give yourself a chance to get use to it again.

Please also consider that if at 41 you have no savings, no investments, then perhaps you must reasonably say to yourself - maybe I should take advantage of my situation, meaning if you don't pay rent pretend to pay yourself a rent and place it in savings. If you don't pay for food or electricity, water, phone and internet service then figure out what a budget for these necessities looks like and add that to your savings.

Working towards a plan will put a smile in your heart and make the days that pass go more calmly. You are in control.

In the meantime, can you take a course online or at a local community college?
What are your interests?
If you can see a student counselor in a college take advantage of that too. Let them know your situation and that you need straight between the eyes guidance.
Information is gold. Many of us have just need a little nudge at one time or another at special times in our lives. Sometimes it's from a counselor, a teacher or a friend.

I wish you peace and happiness.
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TiredNConfused Jun 2022
Thank you for your response.

In my earlier years I was a mess. And I was perusing a sports entertainment career. That’s not something I physically can or want to do now.

There’s no taking advantage of the situation. We live in the projects. I still have to pay rent. And housing just raised the rent. We go half on the internet. We get some food stamps but not much because it is calculated from my gross pay. They include the child support even though I don’t get that money. Anything else we need for the house, I pay for. Plus I have my own phone bills and things to purchase.

So it’s not like I’m here saving money on my 160 a week paycheck. Which is definitely not enough for college. I have no interest in loans and more debt. There’s nothing I want to learn. At this point I just want peace.

I know I sound pessimistic but I am lol
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You have to start believing that you can rebuild your life at 41. Make a ideal long term plan for yourself, what do you want from life? Obviously caring for your mother is not an option, 10 years is long enough, you cannot go on for another 10.
Start with sister in Japan informing her about your plan with facts, you want to move out, get another job?
Obviously, your family does not care and you cannot expect them to change or help you so you have to decide for yourself what is it you want?
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This situation is not good for the parent or the caregiver. Whoever does the care needs to have POA and Be able to make decisions on the parents behalf. The first thing that needs to happen is that the OP get full POA to be able to make the decisions that are best for parent and for them.

Mom is sinking into dementia so decisions need to be mad as soon as possible so she can legally agree to them. POA can be done with a form online that is witnessed by a notary and two witnesses. Once that is done the sister in Japans document becomes void.

You need to seek help in placing Mom once that is accomplished. You should seek out your areas agency on aging and see if they can help guide you so Mom can be placed in the proper facility or help get you an aide payed for by the state.
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TiredNConfused Jun 2022
Hello grandma of eight! Can you direct me to where that can be done online? I want to make sure I am in the right place. Thank you!
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TiredNConfused: Give your sister, who is proxy, notice that you will no longer be your mother's caregiver due to your own health requirements. Then rebuild your life by seeking employment while you are in your prime earning years.
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Michelle2828 Jun 2022
easier said then done 😥
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FORCING You? Just say “ no, I can’t do it” good luck 🍀
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TiredNConfused Jun 2022
I consider it forcing because they will play chicken with her life. If I leave, they will leave her home alone and not go check on her because they know I’ll worry and come back. They will let her go into the hospital before they resume responsibility. I went on vacation for a week, and no one came or called. I came back and she bought herself snacks instead of groceries. Laying in bed all screwed up on a sugar high.

Yet they don’t want to put her in a home.
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As a caregiver to my mother for almost 10 years, I would like to weigh-in but there are too many missing pieces...


You stated: "I get paid to be her caregiver but I cannot live on this. ...I need to live my life and work to pay my bills and my child support. I am at rock bottom."

How exactly is your family forcing you to do anything?

How did this paid arrangement come to be, and who drafted the terms?

Were you employed and living in your own place before this paid arrangement was created?

I ask because a little background will help me to give advice. Did this paid arrangement start as a result of you simply volunteering? or... perhaps you were in a bad place in your life and needed funds. The history matters if you're seeking advice.
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TiredNConfused Jun 2022
Caring for mom had nothing to do with being desperate for money. I would make more having a job somewhere else. I get paid by a health agency. After taxes and child support my paycheck is 160 a week. My family isn’t giving me extra money. I feel they should.

Ive lived with Mom this whole time. At some point my sister got married and moved out. She is a military wife. She’s moved at least twice to different bases over the years.

There were brief times where I lived somewhere else. I lived elsewhere for about a year and would come back to make sure mom was good every now and then. That didn’t work out, I went back home.

At one point I was in a relationship that produced my child. She lived across the street. I stayed with my new family and child, and could just go across the street and take care of Mom real easy.

I worked on and off in different food industry and production jobs. and Deli, Dishwashing, etc. Those are the skills I have. Mom made it hard to work away from home, and aids we had were not very good. They’d basically come clean the house and leave and not run errands or really help Mom with anything. So not too long ago I hooked up with an agency that helps family care for family and I now get paid to do everything I was already doing for her.
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No-one has replied to my post asking for more information about the meaning of ‘proxy’ in the USA. Here a proxy is something that you give to someone to vote on your behalf in a formal meeting, like a public company AGM. That’s more or less the only legal use of the word. I really do suspect that sister DOESN’T have a POA or anything else that gives her legal power. She just assumes it because of some comment like ‘I’d like you to make sure that I’m looked after properly”.
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gladimhere Jun 2022
https://www.medicareinteractive.org/get-answers/planning-for-medicare-and-securing-quality-care/preparing-for-future-health-care-needs/health-care-proxies
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Looks like T&C has not been here since JUNE 1. So my comments are short.

Do you know the value of the care you are providing?

10K-12K a month in my area, probably more in New York.

Contact the Department of Labor. This is illegal.
Get out and go see Legal Aid for help.
This sounds very codependent find a therapist, a real job and a place to live.

SAY NO MORE!
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TiredNConfused Jun 2022
Sorry I’m here and responding. I’m just buried in the replies. Thanks for your advice and taking the time
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So...the real issue here is this. It sounds like essentially you are providing 24/7 care Tired&Confused. But you are NOT being paid by the agency for all of the hours you actually care for your mother. Are you actually tracking all of the hours you work? I'm not really sure how this works because this really seems convoluted to me. My SIL and BIL live with my FIL and are there 24/7 so he HAS round the clock care but they aren't ACTIVELY caring for him all of those hours and he can be left alone for a period of time as long as he has food, etc. HOWEVER when we ALL went out of town together last year and brought in respite care, we could not leave alone so we had to bring 24/7 caregivers.

Have you actually tracked the total amount of time daily you are actively providing her care? Are you being paid for the amount of time you are actively providing care? You WORK for the agency not her. It's already unusual for a family caregiver, most have to have a contract in place and be paid directly by funds from their loved one. But you are actually contracted by the agency to provide her care. So it seems to me that you should be paid by the hours you provide her care, like an actual timesheet. They have to be providing documentation for tax purposes on your wages and hours. What is the agency tracking for that purpose?
I recognize that you have child support and taxes subtracted from your paycheck. And I also know that the agency may get $20-$25 an hour but the caregiver may only actually make $15 or some subset of that. So this entire arrangement sounds like you are only working maybe 10 hours a week providing her care. I'm quite sure it's much more than that. Maybe it's time to rethink getting paid via the agency. Or increasing the number of hours they pay you for and bill her for weekly.
Or possibly look into reputable work from home jobs that you can do in tandem with caregiving to bring in extra money to put aside. While I recognize that would also increase your child support, it would give you a golden opportunity to set aside all of the remainder as savings to get out of this situation.
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Everyone needs to read and understand the terms of a POA. In my family, mom thought the DPOA went into effect immediately as did the designee. That turned out to not be the case. That document still needed a determination from TWO doctors of incapacity. And it had to be doctors that are trained in that area. Incapacity can be many things, maybe a coma for whatever reason or, in mom's case dementia. Those doctors, for example, cannot be dermatologists.😀😀 Designee thought she would get a letter from my mom's dermatologist!

And just because she had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's that does not automatically mean she is incapacitated.
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Hi TiredNConfused,

Caregiving is a long, difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site. However, there are limits to what untrained members of the forum can provide for you.

If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, please reach out to experts for additional support by calling the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

The New York State Department of Aging may also be able to connect you to additional resources and supports that can help you care for your mother and yourself. You can access their website here: https://aging.ny.gov/programs/caring-loved-one

You've already received some excellent answers and advice from other members. Hang in there!
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It's immoral for anyone to force you into contact with someone who you don't feel comfortable with and who is making you tired.
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It's immoral for anyone to force you into contact with someone who you don't feel comfortable with and who is making you tired. When she pretends to be sick, she's abusing you.
Reading this post is triggering for me because I've met so many people who like to argue about this and who play sociopathic hobbies where they force me into contact with my abusers. They either make it sound like an obligation or try to convince you that the abuser owns you. I know what it feels like to be forced on someone who's demanding.
Another thing that happens is when people on the healthcare team play disability games where the object is to have you working their shift without getting payed. I have seen this happen in private homes where no agency is involved and also in a boarding house.
I would start calling your Area Agency on Aging and some other places to see if they can help you.
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Take back your power! Make decisions that work for you, but first know what they are! Good luck!
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