I had to put my mother into a care home as she has dementia. We have not spoken to my brother for over 20 years. I contacted him and he went to see her. She didn’t recognise him and the carer said he was heartbroken. She then said maybe she will know you next time to which he replied, "There won’t be a next time. I won’t be back. It’s too upsetting seeing her like that." I sent him a message telling him I’m here for him and he replied thank you. I’m heartbroken for him as she still recognises me. What should I do now?
Don't worry about it, you have enough stress already.
The mom had always preferred her son, but he was the first one she failed to recognize. After that it was the daughter. Toward the end, the only one the mom recognized was the daughters husband.
You can’t argue with dementia. Once it gets to this point there’s nothing really to be done.
I imagine, it will be hard to recognize people after 20 years, add dementia probably almost impossible even to remember.
Let him be and email again in few days/ weeks.
You should not be so hard on yourself, it is not your fault.
Or if he changes his mind and decides he wants to visit again, tell him to just introduce himself with his name and that he's her son when he walks into her room. That might be helpful for them both.
I was estranged from my mother for over 20 years, and when she was on her death bed, I walked into the room where she lay, and she asked me who I was. I just responded with my first name, and she just said "oh." It didn't bother me that she didn't recognize me, as it had been a long time since she'd seen me.
And even though I had made peace with my extremely dysfunctional childhood, and my parents many years earlier, for my mental health, I chose to distance myself from both my parents.
So give your brother his space and let him decide what is best for himself.