I had to put my mother into a care home as she has dementia. We have not spoken to my brother for over 20 years. I contacted him and he went to see her. She didn’t recognise him and the carer said he was heartbroken. She then said maybe she will know you next time to which he replied, "There won’t be a next time. I won’t be back. It’s too upsetting seeing her like that." I sent him a message telling him I’m here for him and he replied thank you. I’m heartbroken for him as she still recognises me. What should I do now?
The BEST thing for him to do is to come more often. If there are photos of the family all together and your brother included he could show them to her. Talk about the things you did when you were all younger and keep reminding her of who you are.
Tell your brother he can still be a part of her life even if she does not always remember him ...it is the because of the disease and try to understand that she still needs him too.
Due to several deaths in my family the last few years, I've found that they have actually served as a gateway to re-establishing relationships (a funeral home viewing is really just a bleak family reunion after all). There wasn't any kind of fight or disagreement, but as so often happens people just drift apart until you realize one day that you haven't talked to the person for two years. Time isn't doing any of us any favors as we get older, so make the most of the opportunities given to you now.
You sound like a person with a tender heart that your mom and brother both are lucky to have in their lives.
Hugs 🤗
Dad continued to recognize my sister in pictures, and he knew the boys were his "grandsons". But he hadn't seen them together in years, not since they were babies/toddlers. One day he asked me - "Who's their mother?" It broke my heart that he was unable to make the connection between them and their mother/my sister, but I just had to make peace with it. She was the one who hadn't made the effort to stay in touch.
YOU can't fix it. I like the suggestion to try to use this as an opportunity to re-connect with your brother. That's a place there might be something you can do. Or help Mom to remember who he WAS. She doesn't know him now.