Mom's lived with with hubs and I since dad died here in hospice care here 5 months ago..I dread the transition back in 8 weeks because she's come so far since dad died and I don't know if I'll have the energy to reestablish her trust after 8 weeks of no routine and over stimulation in a cluttered house....Mom is telling me she's happy here but then tells sister she needs to get back to her house to "clean". I know I'm overthinking but I need help and thoughts on how to make the best of the situation.
I understand where ur coming from. Do what you need to do for your sanity.
Why place your mother in a vulnerable place? It will only confuse her.
Please don’t consider pleasing your sister. Your mom’s needs and your sanity comes before your sister’s desires.
You have had your mom living with you. You know her situation best. Your sister is not familiar with your mother’s condition. If she understood the situation, she wouldn’t rock the boat.
Tell your sister that her ideas aren’t in the best interests of your mom. If she wants to debate the matter, just tell her that you have already decided against it.
I am very sorry for the loss of your dad. I read in your profile that you haven’t been able to grieve because you have been caring for your mom.
Please take breaks when necessary. Ask your sister to help, by coming to your house to assist with your mother.
Do whatever is best for you now. Your sister will have to adjust accordingly.
Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.
Came back , just was never the same, probably a tia, she had a stroke like 6 months later
Use your authority as POA, together with your brother if necessary, to present a united front that mom is not to go back to her home with sister for 8 weeks. What possible GOOD can come from it?
My condolences on the loss of your dad.
Good luck to you.
The only possible good that can come from the eight-week stay with the sister will not involve the mother at all.
It will do the OP good to get a break from being the 24/7 caregiver.
After reading Alva's response, it can honestly be said that at this point it's not about the mother's happiness because that part of her life is over.
The OP needs a respite break from caregiving for her mother and what would be the easiest way for her to get that respite break and what will least impact the mother's daily routine.
Having the sister come and take care of her in the OP's home is probably the best way.
From all your answers to us you seem to want only here to do what is best, not to deprive anyone of being able to share time together, but not wanting to risk a fragile newly grieving Mom, who is herSELF uncertain whether she wants to go.
You say you want the sort of unbiased opinions that comes of asking strangers about this which is fine, but strangers don't KNOW anything, so that can be dangerous and confusing.
This is YOUR DECISION. They will become only more tough.
After all you said to us this is what I would do, A) because I think it good for Mom, sis AND you and B) because it has an easy out.
I would call or write Sis the following:
Dear Sis: First of all THANK you for this kind offer of having Mom with you for several months. It would be great for me to have that break, but I am struggling (so much so that I went to a Forum of strangers to ask for opinions, and they are divided as I am.) Here's why.
A) Mom is newly grieving and so fragile. But worse, she seems UNCERTAIN she wants to do this.
B) I am afraid of selfishly taking "time off" and then having you and Mom in a bad place together.
Sis, could we do this? Let's ask Mom firstly if she would like to make this visit and if so for how long. Let's let her know that if the visit isn't working for her she can simply make a call and return to our home at a moment's notice.
Can we then arrange a time good for you, and fitting in with her appointments and etc. and just "give this a try". If it works for Mom and for You it would be wonderful for me as well.
Again, thanks for this offer. Your loving sister.
If mom isn't wanting to do this she can just say that she is currently so distressed by her recent loss she just cannot make changes, visits, etc and you all can discuss it say 6 months in future.
Also, if you suspect, due to some limitations your sister has, that she cannot provide right now what mom needs, but sister is insistent, you may be looking at some guardianship needs to protect mom.
Kind of hard for us to evaluate all that, but trust you to do so.
Against that, you have to weigh the respite that you and your husband would gain from not having to look after your mum for 8 weeks. Having a rest is not to be sneezed at!
If it works that is.
I'm not convinced that your sister is equally open eyed about the difficulties of care giving for a person with advanced dementia and associated complex needs. It is possible that a week or two in and your sister won't be able to cope any more.
It might be better to persuade your sister to stay in your home for 3 weeks - one week to teach her the routine (as previously suggested) and, perhaps, for you both to reconnect, yourselves. Then the next two weeks, you and your husband go on holiday and relax.
If that works, do it again. Getting help with your mum, even from a disorganised person, could really ease the pressure on you.
There is no advantage to your sister taking your mum back to her old home. It would be so unsettling for her. It could also be distressing - missing her husband, wondering where the children are who are now grown and taking care of her etc. So, keeping her there could be disastrous.
If you live near enough, a brief visit followed by lunch or a different activity that your mum would enjoy (to persuade her to leave without making it obvious that she won't be returning, plus to help distract her if she was upset by the experience) might be a better option. Otherwise, I wouldn't risk it, in your shoes.
Then sell the house! Your mum is never going to be well enough to live there again, sadly. Some truths just have to be faced.
I hope that whatever happens, it works out for all involved.
Keep in mind that no matter how great your support system is today, it can disappear in the blink of an eye. It shouldn't be only mom's health needs that dictate. Yours are important too. A big part of that is mental health, so please be sure to look after yours. That means, sometimes, letting mom's needs be secondary.
You know more about Mom, sis, and this entire situation than we can gather from a few pages of history on your profile and in your note.
Therefore my advice is "it's up to you".
BUT, and most importantly, when a child becomes a caregiver it changes everything.
Suddenly you feel responsible not only for the care of an elder but for the happiness.
With being 91, incontinent, sleep disordered and suffering all the other age-related declines added onto the latest of having lost her husband?
There is going now to be NO HAPPINESS for mom. It is asking too much. Not only that but there have been in 91 years many instances where mom was unhappy that had NOTHING to do with any decision of yours.
Don't take on responsibility for happiness. This isn't a happy time in her life now.
Whatever adjustments she has to ANYTHING now is not going to be simple of easy, and what adjustment ever way?
What is important now is YOUR survival. And for me that means you are going to have to have some modicum of "a life".
I pass the ball back to your court. Don't expect any decision you make to result in perfection. Perfection isn't an option in all this.
Welcome and I wish you best luck.
I did homecare for many years. When a person has dementia and is taken out of their routine for any amount of time it causes setbacks. Taking someone to a different place and a whole new dialy routine will be terrible. Your mother will lose whatever level of independence she still has and it won't come back.
You say in your profile that your mom declined fast after your father died and she moved in with you. Her dementia is worse now so an eight-week stay somethere else away from you and the routine you worked so hard to get her into will be a disaster.
Funkygrandma has the best suggestion. Tell your sister to come to your house for eight weeks and you and your husband rent a beach house or something and get a break from your mother. Or even a nice AirBNB.
If your sister is insistant about taking mom for eight weeks, tell her that she will have to keep her permanently then because she will not be able to keep acclimating and transitioning to new places.
Any consideration being given to sell her home and use the funds to place her in AL where she can associate with people her own age?
My mother is 99, so your mother could live for a very long time, will your marriage withstand a third party in it every day and is that really how you want to spend the next years dealing with?
Although it does sound like you and your husband really need a break from caring for your mom, so would it be possible for your sister to come stay at your house for the 8 weeks, with the first week you showing her first hand what moms routine looks like, so she can continue on with it while you and hubby get away for the next 7 weeks?
That way all involved would be happy...mom stays in her routine, sister gets to have full-time care of mom, and you and hubby would get a much needed break
It would be a win win for everyone!
During your respite, please consider if keeping mom in your home is really working. You and husband matter too and she may need facility care, for all of your benefit.
Changing the care plan is in no way a failure on anyone's part, it is part and parcel when dementia is in play.
I am so sorry for your loss.
May The Lord lead, guide and direct you in the new season of life.
May HE give you grieving mercies and peace as you deal with all the loss and change your life has endured recently.
My Aunt with advanced dementia sundowned and wanted to go home every afternoon like clockwork, even when she was sitting in the home she lived in since 1975.
As I read it YOU are living in mom's home.
Mom is living with your sister.
Your sister needs a break.
Your sister and mom both want mom back in her home.
If I have this wrong please let me know.......
If your sister has been caring for mom since dad died in January she deserves a break, a Respite from caring for mom.
Then you say your sister wants custody of mom it sounds like mom is with you and not your sister......
Who, if anyone has POA? The person that can make medical and financial decisions for mom?
A person with dementia NEEEDS consistent routine, consistent people and stability in where they reside. You can not expect mom to do well if you move her from one house to another.
Best to figure out where mom should be, who is going to be her PRIMARY caregiver and establish a routine that will work for mom.