So basically my mother is mentally competent, become physically less able, and emotionally overwhelmed. I think depressed and anxious, Ive offerred a counseller but she declines. She has unmanaged diabetes because she just wants to chain smoke, eat bad foods etc. Which has very negatively effected her health. Her GP believes she has cancer and in denial about all her health issues. The Specialist believes ger downturn in health is due to unmanaged diabetes. Tests were organised. I also organised a social group service for her to boost her morale, a medical transport service for her as many if her appointments are during school pick up and drop offs times, or it's clashed with my children's appointments. All of these appointments, she either told me she had booked and was going but actually didn't make, or I made them for her and she cancelled and told the medical staff not to discuss it with me (when she had previously put me down as a point if contact).
Thankfully the hospital rebooked everything super quick, and I have been able to take her to various appointments and stay with her during these because its school holidays.
During this time, she is struggling to walk sometimes, I have to lift her in and out my car. But she is also chain smoking, not sleeping during the night, not on any insulin etc (I've sent the form away for her but yet to hear anything) and eating so much junk food and fruits!!!! Physically her ability has declined. So I either order groceries to be delivered or go pick things up for her.
This is my problem. She requests I buy her cakes, sweet stuff and cigarettes. If suggest no and try to discourage it, she gets angry, yells and cries.
I have been doing this because I don't think it's right to take control of her life. Her choices must still be hers even tho I don't agree with them. Yet, its me who has to physically buy these things for her as she cannot do or afford it herself. So I also feel like I'm enabling unhealthy behaviour and hurting her. It's doing my head in. How much control do you take from a older parent, who is struggling emotionally, who's physical health is rapidly declining because of the unhealthy decisions they are making which is hugely fuelled by their emotional state?????
If mum had her own physical devices, she would get them anyway.
I feel like I'm wrong if I do and also wrong if I don't. What are people experiences and perceptions please?
The combination of she should not have these items (sweets and butts) AND you using your own funds to provide them should stop. Once in a while some healthier treat/sweet would be okay - kind of a reward for eating healthier. If she complains when groceries arrive, either by you delivering or store, plead ignorance, or say they didn't have what you wanted or you forgot or there wasn't enough money to cover the food, butts and treats, whatever works. She will likely put up a fuss when she doesn't see her "goodies", so just defer it saying "Maybe later I can get out and find it" (of course you won't, right???) and if she continues to fuss, go home. Being competent, she might eventually figure out why you are not "helping" her and maybe, just maybe she can get on board. This way you would not be enabling, but also not "controlling" her lifestyle choices. She still has the option to do all the wrong things for her health, she'll just have to find another "dealer." Clearly she doesn't sound like she could get out to buy these things, so someone else would have to be talked into getting what she wants.
As for appointments - mom was starting down the dementia path and would often balk at going or tell me she cancelled the appointment (almost 1.5 hour drive just to go one way from my place to hers, then additional time to get to doctor, wait and be seen. It was not an easy thing to do and having her cancel would irk me to no end! She is now in MC (into year 3) and will whine, complain, say no, etc when I come to pick her up. After a few excuses, I will just say 'comon mom, put your coat on and let's go, we're going to be late!' This is taking on the role reversal others mentioned. It is a bit different in that your mother is still 'competent' and can make her own decisions, but you are no longer a child, so mom shouldn't be ordering you around and getting angry when you don't comply.
I would have standing orders at the doctor office to consult with you both in making the appointments or canceling! You could specify they add the best "times" for you to bring her. Does this doc office provide portals? I created mom's and use it to check on things - it would list appointments and generally what they are for. One of those times mom said she cancelled, she actually hadn't (I called the office and confirmed - I was only about 10-15 m from her place.) Turns out she wrote it on her calendar, but didn't follow through.
Additionally, I would encourage you to try and remember that you can't control everything. You seriously need to get to a place where you are okay with that. The journey of a caregiver and their care receiver always ends the same. It is an incredibly difficult road to travel, but if you can focus on what really matters, you will have wonderful memories, and no regrets. Take it easy on yourself and on your mom. The journey ends in death. My prayer for you is that you live in relationship with your mother so that you can say you have done your best.
FYI - I work in older adult ministries and I lead a caregiver support group. Believe me, you need to find a group to attend. Check local churches and community centers for groups and make a commitment to yourself to attend.
My husband was in hospice care due his a failing liver from drinking. As soon as we left the hospital he wanted me to stop at the liquor store and I refused. He even try walking to the store one day when he was very very weak and I caught him and stopped him. He begged me every day to go out and buy him some and I told him no, I did not want to be the cause of his death.
He died 10 days later miserable because he didn't have his wine and beer. I blame myself even worse for denying him pleasure during his last days.
If if your mom wanted to quit smoking and start eating healthier she would have done so by now. She's not interested in changing at this point of her life and forcing could actually lead to more physical pain. If she dies sooner, that is on her and not you. Being a caregiver is hard enough as it is. Having to deal with daily fights will be even harder.
I see your point. You feel it would have been an act of mercy.
Hugs! So sorry that you lost your husband.
First, she has at least one addiction - nicotine. I would research or connect with a professional regarding how to remove cigarrettes and treat geriatric nicotine addiction safely from both the physical and mental health perspectives. Even sane adults have trouble quitting or find it impossible.
Is she suicidal? If someone were not geriatric I think that's how some of the these behaviors would be perceived. The psychiatric component, if there is one, I would suggest needs to be addressed by a professional. She is clearly intentionally or unintentionally very self-destructive.
What would a nursing home do? I suggest since you are basically running a hospital for one patient, that you do what a skilled and licensed nursing facility would do. I doubt any licensed healthcare facility would provide liquor, cigarrettes, roulette tables, not to mention sugary sweets for diabetics.
Within reason they would have to provide healthcare like insulin. Diet is a huge factor and you would do well to feed her and optimal diet.
She is manipulating you. That's ok, it goes on a lot in families. I would get counseling for you. You could easily get riddled with guilt and confusion, physically and mentally exhausted and then collapse, then who will take care of mom?
You are the responsible steward of your money. With regard to any purchases the buck stops with you. Only spend your money on what you can solidly affirm a yes to when you look at yourself in the mirror. Yes, you and your conscience really do matter!
As a Catholic, I would ask a Priest how best to be merciful to all concerned throughout all of this.
Finally, the physicians hipocratic oath, "first, do no harm."
God bless you!
Now, my situation is somewhat different in that my husband still goes to the grocery store and buys some of his own stuff. However, he still wants me to be the one buying the carby food and snacks, because he can somehow justify eating them now. Go figure.
He also spends all his leisure time parked in front of the TV. If I suggest he take a walk or go to the fitness center, he says he will think about it. Right. He will sometimes go if I say I'm going, but I'm tired of being his mother and having to be the one responsible for his behavior. He ought to be doing this on his own. Besides, I am the one who does all the housework, frequently babysit my grandchildren, etc., so I don't always feel like exercising. I get enough.
My adult children say to just let it go. He is an adult and is eating himself to an early grave. I'm tired of the whole situation, and we don't have the money for assisted living care or any other kind of expensive care. I just keep praying and try not to let it worry me too much.
In the end, adults who have all their faculties are responsible for their own choices. You should consult her GP, and if he or she says there isn't much you can do, then there probably isn't.
One option you can consider is to tell her you are not going to buy her junk food or cigarettes, and if she yells at you, she will see very little of you - only what is absolutely necessary. Nobody is required to endure abuse. If that is not something you want to do, then don't let guilt get to you. Everybody is doing the best they can in bad circumstances.
I do agree that you should not control her. You always let them make their own decisions. If you do not agree, all you need to do is explain the harm. I feel it is your choice on whether to buy her unhealthy products. If you feel it is immoral, I would just tell her that you feel bad for enabling bad habits and would prefer not to do it. Some home health agencies allow caregivers to purchase these items for clients and some do not, so there is no standard. It is a personal choice for you. There is a FDA approved electronic cigarettes that you can get from the doctor. It is safe and no chemicals. Just nicotine. Ask her if she wants to try that?
Good luck.
Well, the road ends here for me, as of tomorrow she is going into a Skilled Nursing Facility...she wants to do whatever she wants...be my guest, but it won't be under my roof, in front of my child.
It didn't matter that I tried to control the amount of sweets...she managed to get her other caregiver to get them for her...so yeah, they find a way.
We can't be guilted into their self-destroying habits, we just step back and let it be. There are fights that you just can't do alone! Be strong and take care of yourself.
OK here’s my two cents. Do what’s right take care of her properly. Let her cry and be angry and such. Eventually she will start getting to feel better even though she may have her resentment towards you you’re gonna have to ride that out and as she sees her life improve hopefully she will be grateful.
I had a gentleman who really wanted things his way but as his health declined and his wife’s, he be-grudgingly gave over to me taking proper care of him. I did whatever I could to stay Doing the things he wanted to do, eating the things he wanted to eat, but ultimately he did leave it to my decision. And we broke the rules occasionally for good measure. The fun stuff had to become treats not the norm. Good luck my friend!!
Stopping smoking is a well, fill in the blank. It's so tough. Withdrawal, etc. And some people just aren't willing to go through that.
And, your money is yours. Use it how you see fit, whichever way that goes for your Mom.
It is not a matter of taking control from a parent but of exercising the choices/control that you have for/of yourself. It is always about ourselves and our choices and changes, not the choices or changes of others.
We all have restrictions on us in relationships and cannot expect any one other person to do exactly what we want. How we deal with that is our choice - we can get angry, have tantrums, manipulate and so on, or we can accept that others make their own decisions/choices and deal with that constructively.
Your mother is manipulating you to enable her to continue making her bad choices. You are feeling that pressure and also the pressure to "keep her happy." You are not responsible for her happiness.
The only person you can control is you. If you stop the enabling, you are not taking control from her, but exercising a different choice for yourself. How she responds to that is her business - her choice.
When my mother was developing vascular dementia she started making some bad choices. Mother had mental illness all her life, ranted and raved at me and other family members regularly, and generally was very difficult to get along with and always impossible to please. Years ago I realized I had to make my own call about what I thought was best and stick to it despite the flack, and that is what I did from then on. She often didn't like it, but I did what I thought was best anyway. She appointed me POA and I went against her wishes on major issues several times after that. Again, she didn't like it ,but in my view it was in her best interests and that was what I was to do as POA and a responsible daughter. It the long run these decisions proved to be best for her.
I have dealt with several loved ones with addictions. I would not encourage or facilitate their addictions as much as it was within my power to do or not do so. I would work on having a good healthy relationship with them, and respect their right to make their unhealthy choices, without involving me. Nor did I let them manipulate me. I drew those boundaries. I worked to provide a healthy enthronement/relationship as far as it was within my control. If we deny one thing, it is beneficial to provide for a healthy alternative - something they would enjoy. "Mother, no I won't do such and such, but I would be happy to do this and that with/for you."
I am happy to say that that most of my addicted family members are recovering.
Your mother is an addict - to cigarettes, and junk/sweet food. It is killing her. You might want to look up how to deal with addicts. . I wouldn't sidestep the issues, but calmly and firmly state your boundaries. She doesn't care for herself and has given up on herself. You care for her. You don't have to give up on her.
There is also (or used to be) online chat room called HAMS (with a cute little hamster logo) that discussed harm reduction. Folks chat about what they're going through and you could chat some concerns in there.
I actually had one on one in person meetings with a harm reduction substance abuse counselor (not associated to HAMS) and never looked back. I would google both local AA meetings and HAMS chat to talk to addicts about how they beat addiction, especially in old age. Basically, the two addiction approaches I'm aware of are 12 step and harm reduction.
Keep in mind breaking an addiction is profoundly stressful on mind and body. Getting medical advice from her MD, yeah or neah on intervening, I think is step one.
You are treating her as you would want to be treated. (This is how I would want to be treated too).
We don’t make perfect choices for ourselves—but it is that freedom of choice and independence that drives our happiness.
If my kids someday force me to eat a gluten-free, vegan, sugar-free or fat free diet, contrary to my wishes, I would feel very happiness-free.
I also feel that that she should be allowed to choose which doctors appointments she wants. We all know that the doctors are self-referring, and most patients don’t need to go terribly often. We could spend our whole retirement in a waiting room if we went to every recommended appointment.
https://youtu.be/wGZccD6A_KQ
What about a patch now? Most people cannot quit cold turkey, especially long time smokers.
Some facilities have smoking areas for residents, rehab patients and visitors. I’ve seen it. Not saying smoking is good but people do smoke.
Some of the professed “healthiest eaters” I know died young - of natural causes.
We we can try to prolong our lives all we want, but we will all die. That is the only guarantee.
We might as well enjoy the journey.
If it bothers you, many groceries can be bought by instacart so she can buy what she wants , have them delivered and you don’t have to.
We all have bad habits. I’m not sure the food causes this and that are always founded. My mother is 92 and has eaten junk food , chips, pop, sweets etc her entire life, smoked for 40 years. Physically she walks better than me. I’ve tried to have a decent diet , never smoked, rarely drank and got a chronic disabling disease at 35. Go figure, lol!
But if she has cancer, especially if it’s advanced, let her do what she wants to do